Joke!!

[MANTIS01]

Boy: "Dad where does poo come from?"
Father: Faeces consists of unabsorbed water, undigested fibre, short chain fatty acids (which are a major product of fermentation), relatively low concentrations of salts, and an extremely large number of bacteria including anaerobes, lactobacilli, yeasts, and coliforms.
Boy:......and Tigger?

[GreekStein]

I liked your joak

Thank Yew.

you're willowcome

We need to get to the root of the problem to sort this out

Oakay oakay just calm down everything will be just fine and dandylion.

[GreekStein]

Paddy is in the bath. He shouts to Murphy, "Have you got any shampoo?"

"Yeah" answers Murphy, "It's by the sink".

Paddy shouts back, "I can't use that, it says for dry hair and I've just fuckin wet mine!"

[sovietsong]

Paddy is in the bath. He shouts to Murphy, "Have you got any shampoo?"

"Yeah" answers Murphy, "It's by the sink".

Paddy shouts back, "I can't use that, it says for dry hair and I've just fuckin wet mine!"

defo going to be telling people at work i made this up...

[boldie]

Anyone on here know how to use e-bay? It's doing my head in.

I was looking to buy some cigarette lighters and it said "15000 matches found"!

WTF?

[henrik777]

The love story of Ralph and Edna...
 
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
Mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
Patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
Hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
Out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
Immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
Considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
Bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
Rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
Person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
Mindedness.
 
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
Right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
Can I go home?

Sandy

[StuartHopkin]

Tom/Tony

I just dont think swear words are swear words anymore. Theyre on the telly earlier and more often, they are just becoming a normal part of most peoples vocabulary. I know Im terrible for it, and I apologise if I offend either of you.

More importantly how has one of the finest jokes of all time not made this thread.

Two nuns in the bath
First Nun:  Wheres the soap?
Second Nun: Doesnt it!

[MKKfish]

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, do you think:

a. You need more time together
b. She's a f***ing prude
c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.
 

[G1BTW]

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, do you think:

a. You need more time together
b. She's a f***ing prude
c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.
 

Saw someone doing this on the train once. 'Getting off at Crewe' took on a whole new meaning.

[G1BTW]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?"
she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the
windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says
Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

[boldie]

I have just read FHM's top grooming products of 2009. Surely they got it wrong, Haribo were not even in the top 10.

[thetank]

I have just read FHM's top grooming products of 2009. Surely they got it wrong, Haribo were not even in the top 10.

quality

[bobAlike]

I have a new chat up line that works everytime. it doesn't matter how gorgeous and out of my league they are, it's a winner & I always end up in bed with them.............. ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like cloroform to you?'

[trafficjam]

This is  a joke but I was sent this by a friend and it made me laugh:

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from the Co-op.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[trafficjam]

My First Time


It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...