blonde poker forum

Hi everyone!! Enjoy lol

Know the difference between a prayer at church and a prayer at the poker table?
R\The guy at the poker table really means it!


Know how to get a professional poker player off your front porch?
R\Pay him for the pizza.

Q What is the biggest problem for an athiest?
R\ A There is no one to talk to during an orgasm!


Sepultyra
Costa Rica!!!

I've been arrested 3 times this week for battering my wife. The copper said "Why do you keep beating her?"...I replied "It's probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and fancy footwork.

guy is walking down the street with a crocodile, police man stops him and says 'wtf are you doing' you should take that croc to a zoo, the guy agrees that its a good idea as he should be walking around the street with a dangerous toothy croc.

next day the same guy is walking down the street with the crocodile, the police man spots him and says 'i thought I told you to take him to the zoo' guy says 'i did, today we are going to the cinema'

Sovietsong
Leeds!!!

Are you here all week?

two blokes walk into a bar, there are two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling, first guy says to the bartender, 'whats the meat nailed to the ceiling all about', barman says, 'if you can get them down within 3 attempts you can drink for free all night, if you fail you have to buy the whole bar a round'.  first guy turns to the second and says what do you think?  Second guy says, steaks are too high...

Had some do-gooders at the door ask me to send clothes to the starvin Africans. They're takin the piss. If an African can fit into my clothes, believe me, he ain't starvin.

lol

My sister suffers form vertigo ... I like to phone her up and say Hi.

two facts, wheres the joke?

I went to use the cashpoint the other day and when the old woman in front of me reached the front of the queue she stood on one leg and started wobbling about a bit.  "are you ok?" I enquired, to which she replied "yes - I'm just checking my balance"

Try the fish

Here's hoping so

why does it say probation instead of newbie, when did that come in?

It's like a concentration camp

the ones in the concentration camp can't pm. once they get to 10 posts they're let out

People with less than 10 posts are on probation i think, then they become newbies on post 11. May be wrong tho.

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Why does everyone swear so much?

I was sitting at a poker table last night, a young girl was dealing. Every sentence from the players was punctuated by swear words.

Fucking this, bastard that. *****, wanker etc.

It's not like there was an argument or something, it was just normal conversation. I found it very embarrassing.

I feel the same when I think about people's wives, mothers, girlfriends and daughters browsing blonde, but I accept that my view on this is probably old fashioned and out of step.

I think that I have been thoroughly whooooshed here ???

This is the funniest joke I have heard for years, thanks for posting it.

A man is in trouble with his wife. He keeps getting drunk and coming home hours late from work.

When it happened for the fourth time in a week, his mrs said that's enough.

"If you come home drunk again, I'm packing my bags and leaving you".

Two later the man was in the boozer with his mate, totally paralytic, when he puked up all over his jacket.

"oh no, now she'll leave me for sure, she'll know I've been drinking and been sick all over my coat"

His mate had an idea..

"Act cool, and when she asks you about the jacket, say that a man was sick all over you and pull out a twenty pound note that he gave you to do the dry cleaning"

So, he goes home and sure enough the missus is furious and gets up to leave..

"no, no, no, it isn't what it seems, a man was sick all over me and gave me this twenty pound note to cover the dry cleaning bill"

"And what is the other twenty pound note for?"

"Oh, that was given to me by the man who shit in my pants"

(Stolen from the late, great Sir Clement)

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".




I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".



If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

I know i've told it before but it was a while back and its the only funny joke i know!!

One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfes the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......

Jock takes his wife to casualty.Shes got no teeth,a broken nose and two black eyes.Dr says whats happened? Jock says"she was going through the change." Dr says "That doesnt happen when they go through the change." Jock replies "It does when its in my bloody pocket."

Sandy

I got to the second last line before i realised there wasnt going to be a punchline :(

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per kilo price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig. "How about that one?"

"OK," replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it`s tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth and then declares, "This one weighs 38 kilos."

"That`s amazing," the man says, "Are you sure you can tell a pigs` weight by using that method?"

"Yep, says the farmer, we`ve used this method in our family for generations." To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 38 kilos.

"My son can do it, too," boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pigs` tail in his mouth, lets it hang and then says, "This one weighs 38 kilos." The farmer then confirms his sons` accuracy with the scale.

"My wife can do it, too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."

The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mum can`t come out right now," says the son. "She`s busy weighing the postie."

Sandy

Swearing when socialising isn't classy. I think most people would still agree about that. But there are certain bastions of life where swearing is acceptable. Joke telling is one of those imo. Waking up late for work, hitting your thumb with a hammer, and missing the ball on the 1st tee are others I can think of. Swearing in moderation and in the right situation can be very funny imo. It's the over use of swearing in the wrong situation that's embarrassing. The culmination of everyone's individual jokes with the odd swear word isn't the same as that mouthy bird. So tell us a joke pls Red.

I wasn't particularly refering to the joke thread.

Try doing a search for a swear word and see how many there are, and remember, that doesn't include the 90% or so that are in the "deleted posts" section.

OK, a joke.

Tourist: can you tell me the quickest way to Cork please?

Local: Now den, do you mean by car, or on foot sorr?

Tourist: By car.

Local: Yes, dat's the quickest way.





(You didn't say it had to be a good joke)

Paddy and Murphy are walking around looking for work when Paddy sees a sign, "Tree fellers wanted". Paddy says to Murphy, its a pitty theres only two of us.



Paddy walks into the site office carrying a flask.

Murphy: " What you got there then?"

Paddy: "Tis a new flask"

Murphy: "What's it do then?"

Paddy: "It keeps hot tings hot and cold tings cold"

Murphy: "Sowhat you got in it then?"

Paddy: "Two cups of coffee and an ice cream"

A guy comes home from work, his wife is waiting with his tea on the table, she says;

'would you mind looking at the cabinate door, it seems loose'

'what do i look like a fucking joiner?'

next day he comes home to a lovely clean house again his tea is on the table, wife says;

'after your tea would you mind having a look at the tap, its leaking?'

'what do i look like a fucking plumber?'

next day he comes home, all the washing and ironing done and she asks;

'would you mind looking at the socket, it is haning off the wall!?'

'what do I look like a fucking electrician?'

well the next day the hardworking gentleman returns home after some hard graft and all the jobs his loving wife asked him to do where sorted, he asked;

'what happened?'

'well the new neighbour came round and said he would do the work if I baked him a cake or gave him a blowjob'

'which did you do?'

'do i look like a fucking baker?'

made me chortle

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

haha

Speaking of which;

If a mute kid swears

Does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Think Fredm Wilma, Daphne, Shaggy and SCOOOBY!!!

So Katie and Peter have split up.

I just want to know who gets custody of the camera crew?

This works better out loud, but my 6 year old told me this, had me in stitches:

Knock knock
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep
An interrupti
Baa!

Two nuns driving along when the Devil appears on the bonnet.

"Quick Sister Mary! Show him your cross"

"Oi Satan! Get off my fcuking car!"

A kid is watching his grandfather take a pee:

"Hey, Granddad, my dad has got two of those things."

"What do you mean son?" says the old man.

"Well, he's got a wobbly one like that for peeing through, and a long hard one for cleaning mummy’s' teeth."

I don't know, Tom. Lack of ability to get a point across forcefully without resorting to profanities I suppose.

I do know it's reached levels on blonde which I find totally unacceptable, & last week was far & away the worst week ever.

Even today, we've had to remove stuff.

The mods - as you know - are currently soul-searching as to the answer.

Anyway, I'll be making a Statement about it shortly. It'll go down like a lead balloon.

You're right Tikay - there is too much unnecessary swearing on the forum at the moment.

I am a member of a forum dedicated to volunteer work.

Any profanities are filtered out and replaced by the euphemstic BANNED WORD, Not sure that Blonde should go quite so far, but then again...

This forum has so many abbreviations that I am sure that the members would very quickly adapt.

What happens if someone says they're from Scunthorpe?

We all chip in a few quid so they can move somewhere decent obv.

On a football forum I frequent the word becomes S****horpe!

i'll try it and let you know

Oh I looooled. Nice one baldy !

Man shouts at another, your lucky, you will never catch swine flu, swine flu only effects noses and throats, it has no effect whatsoever upon arseholes!

 ;applause; ;applause; ;applause;

Best one yet

Geo

An Ex of mine used to say that she wanted to be treated like a princess.



So I rented a limo and told the driver to crash it in a tunnel.

my dad went to rod hulls funeral.when he got back i asked him how it was. he said the service was alright but the reception was terrible

paddy's in a police line up for rape, a policeman brings in the woman at which point paddy says: "yeah that's her, moody bitch".

Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night.
She lies on the bed, spread-eagled, naked, and says, "Paddy....you know what I want....."
"Yeah....the whole fecking bed by the looks of it!"

i was playing golf recently when a thunder and serious lightning storm started right above us, my playing partner pulled out his 1 iron and held it straight up. I asked him what he was doing and rightly pointed out that not even god can hit a 1 iron.

topical! I had forgotten why it was funny ;D

why did the monkey get lost?

because the junglist massive.

apologies to all over thirtyish

Research has shown women generally have far cleaner minds than men. I'm not really surprised. Let's face it, they change them every five bloody minutes of the day!

I had a one night stand with a girl in Iceland once. Late December, it was.

Feck, I was knackered.

SKY News: David Richards,40, from Caerwys snaps photo of UFO in back garden!

Well sir if you say it's a UFO then you have identified it making it an FO, if it's landed in your back garden it's not flying thus making it an O.

So David, you have succesfully managed to take a photo of an object in your back garden.

Well done...numptie.

I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere.
Well played Wally, well played.

A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

rotflmfao

Q. why was the boy with a sausage up his nose and a mars bar in his ear not feeling well?

A. because he wasn't eating properly

Q. whats the difference between snot and broccoli

A. Kids wont eat broccoli

my six year old got given 1001 kids jokes last week, we are about 1/3 of the way through and these were the only decent ones, thanks Granny!

lol :D

a gang of lads running down the road, bloke comes out of his house to see what the fuss is about.

bloke: whats up

random runner: a lions escaped

bloke: which way did it go?

random runner: you don't think were fkin chasing it do ya?






soldier in the desert on duty approaches his sargeant and explains

soldier: "im dying for a shag, can u sort it anyhow?

sarge: camel in shed 7, ill book you in for 2pm


2pm arrives and the soldier goes in and gives the camel a right good see-ing to.
He exits the shed and his sarge approaches him

"you dirty bastard"
"what?"

"why didnt you ride it into town like the rest of the fkin lads"

ago


I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses"

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese"

Nope, that still didn't sound right,

"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi"

Ahh fuck it I thought,

"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one"

Breaking News!!!!

Ryan Giggs has just scored to give United a 5 - 3 lead....

Sandy

Someone sent me a txt last night, all it said was

'A' 'G' 'N' 'B'

I think it's bang out of order!

Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi

reds is better.  hahaha comedy

Don't you get it?  ;carlocitrone;





Tom, I think yours is good too.

how can he get reds without twigging yours? ;carlocitrone;

Sorry, don't agree with you.
Different branch of humour.

bobalike's joke > red dog's joke

They're both pretty bad, but I like them.

Leaf it out

are you seriously questioning if i got one of the simpliest jokes ever created?

I had faith 'n you

i know you did mate.  it didn't go unnoticed

Ok but any sap could get it really, well almost anyone.

I suppose I was seriously questioning why you thought Red's and my jokes were in competition?

I read it tree times before i finally got it

You were obviously barking up the wrong tree then.

I liked your joak

Thank Yew.

who said they were in competition?  i simply said red's was better. the same way bolt is better than tighty, they arent in competition but its just fact.

no offence tighty... ;)

you're willowcome

But it felt as you were attacking my innocent little joke and I feel responsible for bringing it to life on Blonde and as such I needed to stand up for it.  *g

my apologies, just my personal opinion, your joke was also wonderful

How to speak Geordie:

Now say these words.... as they are, without accent.

Ligature, Yeff, Gutter, Fierce, Lake, Appearer, Tets.

Or...

Look at you. You've got a face like a pair of tits.

We need to get to the root of the problem to sort this out

Boy: "Dad where does poo come from?"
Father: Faeces consists of unabsorbed water, undigested fibre, short chain fatty acids (which are a major product of fermentation), relatively low concentrations of salts, and an extremely large number of bacteria including anaerobes, lactobacilli, yeasts, and coliforms.
Boy:......and Tigger?

Oakay oakay just calm down everything will be just fine and dandylion.

Paddy is in the bath. He shouts to Murphy, "Have you got any shampoo?"

"Yeah" answers Murphy, "It's by the sink".

Paddy shouts back, "I can't use that, it says for dry hair and I've just fuckin wet mine!"

defo going to be telling people at work i made this up...

Anyone on here know how to use e-bay? It's doing my head in.

I was looking to buy some cigarette lighters and it said "15000 matches found"!

WTF?

The love story of Ralph and Edna...
 
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
Mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
Patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
Hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
Out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
Immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
Considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
Bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
Rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
Person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
Mindedness.
 
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
Right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
Can I go home?

Sandy

Tom/Tony

I just dont think swear words are swear words anymore. Theyre on the telly earlier and more often, they are just becoming a normal part of most peoples vocabulary. I know Im terrible for it, and I apologise if I offend either of you.

More importantly how has one of the finest jokes of all time not made this thread.

Two nuns in the bath
First Nun:  Wheres the soap?
Second Nun: Doesnt it!

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, do you think:

a. You need more time together
b. She's a f***ing prude
c. She should have sat somewhere else on the bus.
 

Saw someone doing this on the train once. 'Getting off at Crewe' took on a whole new meaning.

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?"
she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the
windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says
Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

I have just read FHM's top grooming products of 2009. Surely they got it wrong, Haribo were not even in the top 10.

quality

I have a new chat up line that works everytime. it doesn't matter how gorgeous and out of my league they are, it's a winner & I always end up in bed with them.............. ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like cloroform to you?'

This is  a joke but I was sent this by a friend and it made me laugh:

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from the Co-op.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

My First Time


It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

I read a book about the digestive system.
The ending was shit.

Sandy

If its chat up lines your after....

'you've got a kind face....  the kind i'd like to *** all over!!'

The average bloke thinks about sex once every six tits.

I just heard on the news that gangs are now using dogs instead of knives, I tried this and my toast was very hairy.

I got mugged last night. 4 big blokes battered me. During the scuffle I did at least manage to knock one out.



..........Not the best time for a wank but I thought it may be my last.

chortle

 rotflmfao rotflmfao thanks Matt, wiping tea of keyboard now. PMSL  ;D

I was enjoying a bit of anal sex with my girlfriend last night when she turned to me and said. "Hmm mmm mmhmphmm mm hmmph!"


Don't you just love Gaffer tape?

A Jamaican pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!

Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew".

Chuckle.

LOL i like this

It's also impossible to say "beer can" without sounding like a Jamaican saying bacon

Man is lying in bed after sex with his new Thai bride.  She keeps stroking his cock.

He says " Do you like my cock that much?"

She says "No, I just really miss mine"

 ;D  I'm probably going to rob that one on you , no hard feelings i hope.

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

Paddy was in a bar with 5 of his friends, it was Paddys round so he went upto the bar.

" 6 pints of guiness please" said paddy to the barman.

Barman pulls paddy 6 pints of the black stuff and puts them on the bar.

"Would you like a tray for those Paddy?" said the barman.

"No thanks" replies Paddy "Dont you think ive got enough to carry!"

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Wife says to husband, i have just been reading a magazine and it says a BULL is capable of doing it 3000 times a year,    why cant you???

Husband replies, ask the BULL if it has to sleep with the same COW every night.

a young bull and an old bull are in a field, the young bull says to the old bull 'I'm going to run over to that field and fuck one of those cows'  old bull says 'I'm going to walk and fuck em all.'

A dustman knocks on a Japanese man's door one morning, the jap says 'harro wot u waaan'?

The dustman says ' wheres ya bin' 'I bin on the loo' says Jap.

'No mate wheres ya dust bin' 'I dust bin on the loo' says Jap.

No mate 'stop messing me about wheres ya wheelie bin' 'Hokay I wheelie bin havin a wank!

Deleted with respect for Vinny.

I went to the doctors this morning. He says i've got to stop masturbating.  I asked why and he said 'because i'm examining you'

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one woman from the sperm bank, fuck me did i give her a mouthfull.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and
asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

is it OK to start posting volcano jokes yet, or should we let the dust settle first?

 rotflmfao

Blast away.

Sandy

Nice one, there's another post

Stupid fucking Icelanders, we wanted our cash, not your ash.

I can't wait until it rains!

Free Volvic

Isn't it strange how words that sound the same have different meanings for different languages. For instance in the English speaking world "Sirens"are found on loud emergency vehicles, whereas in Japan it means "be quiet".

What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the volcano?


The volcano is still blowing Ash...

Experts have warned that it could take years of work by experienced professionals to clean up after the volcano.

That's why Mum's gone to iceland.

Hats off to the Icelandic people.

First they declared themselves bankrupt...

Then they set their island on fire....

Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?


Sandy

Not original but made me laugh...

No more volcano jokes please, or I'll erupt.

Made me laugh.

Very funny

Things are bad at home right now. She says she's sick of me. Football, Rugby, Cricket, always sport on the telly. Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up. But by 9 o'clock things were 10 times worse. She hadn't potted a single red all night.

Ordered a takeaway last night. When the chinky fellow delivered it he said "twenty pound". I said "What's the name of Jordan's blind son?" He said "Halvey Price". I said "Great! there's a tenner now fook off".

lolololololol

From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo , the bus Driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers.  When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.  Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue.  Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.  Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20.  As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

Got stern looks during communion. I think it was because I was chanting, "chug chug chug!"

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a rucksack and
went up to the Lake District, walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat
on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another
5 miles and had a biscuit and then I...............

Sorry, I'm rambling...!!

I like it

Didn't laugh obv but I like it

My arms and legs are killing me. Was at a Chinese disco and it was all going smoothly until the Chinese version of YMCA came on. 

i was driving the other day when i got a call from the boss telling me i'd been promoted. in the excitement i swerved across the road, and just missed a bus coming the other way. later he phoned up again and said 'youve been promoted again', i swerved violently, just missing a lorry. third time he phones me up and says 'you've been made MD', i swerved and crashed into a tree.

the police came and asked me what happened. i said 'i careered off the road'


(c) tommy cooper

bloke comes home from work and says to wife

"d'youknow, i was chatting with the guys down the pub, and they have heard the postman has shagged all but one of the women in this street"

wife "i bet its that posh bitch from no. 54"

I went to see the doctor today as I was having hearing problems. She asked me to describe the symptoms so I said "Well, Homer is an idiot and Marge has blue hair"

I went to the doctors today cos I've been feeling a bit down lately. The bloody idiot said I was paranoid. Well that's not what he said but I know what he was thinking.

I was with my new girlfriend last night.
We were in bed and she said,
'mine was the biggest cock she'd ever had her hands on..!!'
I said,
'Your pulling my leg.'

Went to doctors, had a tiny bit of lettuce sticking out of my arse !!!




























Doc says it's the tip of the iceberg

Husband says to his wife "you should wash your knickers in Slimfast, it might make your fat arse look slimmer".
The next day when the husband was putting on his pants he notices they are covered in powder and says to his wife "have you put talc in my pants"? "no" she replies "its miracle grow"!

A taliban deserter is dying from lack of water in the desert when he comes across a jewish market stall holder selling ties. The taliban says "have you got any water?" The jewish young lad replies, "No... but would you like to buy a tie for £10?"
"effff off" said the taliban "I need water ...I should kill you but I need to drink first!" The jewish young lad  said "I will rise above your bad behaviour and tell you where you can find water. If you walk 4.2 miles west towards the sun you will find a restraunt where they serve ice cold water free of charge." Off the taliban goes, after 5 hours he comes back nearly dead and says to the jewish young lad ... "You nasty git, your brother won't let me in without a tie."
i have edited this slightly not to offend anyone .,.,.,

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves to the bees enclosure to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, the bees attack him. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

This lion wanders up to another lion and says
'What's the food like here?'



The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.

I lolled.

Three dogs sitting in the waiting room of the veterinary surgeon's got talking.

The first said "I'm here because I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the last straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed, and the vet's gonna cut my nuts off. They reckon it'll calm me down."

The second dog said "Same here. I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and when I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went too far last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch, and it looks like I'm losing my nuts too".

The third dog said "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The other two dogs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

LOLOL

A blond walks into the dry cleaners & drops off her dress, as she is leaving, the owner says, "Come again." she then replies, "No, it was toothpaste this time."

I wasn't going to post this but as your heading down a similar line..........

Girl asks her doctor how many calories does cum have? The doctor said "Sweetie if u swallow, no one cares if your fat"

You might think this is a bit weird but I've got one belly button bigger than the other! 

My wife is just like Heather Mills, she only wears half the effin' shoes she buys!

How much does a cockney charge for shampoo?

Pantene

hehe

I was engaged to a girl who worked at a petrol station. When she broke it off I was absolutely devastated.
To this day I can't drive past that garage without filling up.

lol WP

Two old girlfriends went on a girls night out and got ratarsed. As they staggered home, they had to stop at a nearby cemetary for a pee. The first woman couldn't find anything to wipe with so she took her panties off and used them. The second thought her panties were too nice to spoil and wiped herself on a paper leaf attached to nearby wreath. The next morning, while the two girls were snoring off the worst hangover, their respective husbands were on the phone:

''The girls have got to stop this drinking and clubbing, my wife came home without any pants on last night'' said the first husband.

''My wife's never going out again'', said the second husband, ''She came home with a label stuck to her arse that said : ''we'll never forget you, with love from the boys at the fire station''

 rotflmfao

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for
his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

Q: Whats a horses fav sport?




A: Stable Tennis

Please don't quit your day job

I got kicked out of HMV after asking for a Coldplay song!

I was looking for Trouble!

I went to see a football match while on holidays in japan...
At the end of the game all the players started doing martial arts,
I said to the guy next to me what's all this about?
He said it's 3 minutes of ninjary time

I went to my bosses house for dinner
His wife said how many potatoes would you like James
I said oh just the one thanks
She said no need to be polite I said ok
Just the one you stupid fat cow

I went to the doctors to day to get my balls checked out.
Whilst he was fondling my balls he said "..don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection."
I said  "What!!! I haven't got one."
"No, but I have" he replied.

I've just been to a charity football match for stroke victims.
I've never seen such a one sided game.

Not new, but made me smile this morning.


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'  The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about  "what do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
 
Throw in your washing." 

They were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "that's not funny, my brother was epileptic and died in the bath."

"sorry mate" i said "did he have a fit?"

"no" he said "he choked on a sock..."

The England team went to visit a South African orphanage. "It was good to put a smile on the faces of people who have no hope and are constantly struggling," said Joseph Umboto, aged six

Rob Green trained today and in 3 hours and 30,000 shots he didnt concede one goal! Tomorrow him and Heskey are going to train with the rest of the squad

tank posted this one on facebook the other day.  As he hasn't seen fit to share it here I make no apologies for the blatant plagiarism.

Who was the funniest dictator?

Chairman lmao

To all the women that watch the footie and shout "Bring on Joe Cole!" or "Pass it to Frank!"

Please keep quiet, you didn't hear me say "Take her from behind" during Sex And The City 2, did you?

 :D ;tightend;

I went to the bookshop earlier to get the latest edition of 'Where's Wally'...  I looked for ages, couldn't find it, asked the young girl at the counter, she could either...  We went to the manager, she said it's here somewhere, but after 2 hours, nothing...  Well played Wally, well played...

am I missing the joke here?

that I posted the joke earlier?

It's a seriously cracking joke.

I'm with you Girg.......... think there's a bit of info that I'm missing to make this funny.

Maybe the title of the book has something to do with it...

don't think there's anything missing, it's just obviously an acquired sense of humour.

[ ] I lolled

:)

I went to get some money out of the cashpoint this morning.  Little old lady in front of me was standing on one leg and wobbling about a bit - looked like she was gonna fall over tbh, so I asked her if she was ok or needed some help.  "No it's ok dear" she said "I'm just checking my balance."

LOL

Did you know it can be beneficial to hire dyslexic staff?
I found this out today when I sent my secretary an email asking her to sack my cook.

I fnid tihs psot ofnfeisve.

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub.

Barman look up and says "Is this some kind of a joke?"

yuo wnat em ot dleete pranter?

Hy sdhb gij fjne cferwer ewrgf ji erwf dwer ghjbtyyhv etytehbg mthbrt r hjgh rgh.

This World cup has turned out just like the World War, the French gave up early on, the Yanks got there in the last minute and it was left to the English to fight it out with the Germans again.

Is that you Dewi?

Gwefun sf nfdre rerd fdyrtd a awerxdwea yrtgrt ear dawef aw.

(If you could speak Welsh you'd ban me for ever right now)

Went to the zoo,only animal there was a dog in a cage.......it was a shihtzu.

hehe

what's Green and dangerous and lives under water???

A frog with a machine gun!

Syorr, wsa jstu iebng dredtera :)

Q. what do you call a cat who has just eaten a whole duck

A. a duckfilledfattypuss

defo LOL

Two particles walking down the street

The atom says "I'm an atom, what are you?"

The other says "I'm an Ion"

Atom "Are you sure?"

Ion "Yes, I'm positive"


One for the geeks

three pieces of string in a pub.  First goes up to the bar to get a round in.  "sorry mate" says the barman "but we don't serve pieces of string in here".  Empty handed the piece of string returns to his friends.  "that's bollox", says the second piece of string "let me have a go" and off he heads to the bar.  "look", said the barman, "I've just told your mate, we don't serve pieces of string in this pub, and that's final".  "Sigh, let me have a go" said the third piece of string when his friend once again returned empty handed.  The third piece of string tied himself up, ruffled his hair, and headed the bar.  "three pints please".  The barman eyed him with suspicion "are you a piece of string?".  "no.....I'm a frayed knot"

I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings...

;booder;

I lolled when I read it, but now I feel guilty for not sharing the lol on the thread. 

+1

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

Christiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"

"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the fecking floor," replied the baby.

A dyslexic friend of mine has been arrested at the World Cup for attempting to blow a Zulu's vulva.

LOLOLOLOL

I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16.
Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in our house,
something he'll grow up looking at.
Then when the appropriate time comes,
he will realize that the picture is actually of him,
Then I am going to try and convince him that he is a time traveller. 

[ ] joke

it's probably hilarious in Germany tbf

It is :)

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.


Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off." 

I organised a threesome last night...

There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?

A lift. 

haha

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

Bolide, time to concentrate on another thread methinks.

Or visit a certain type of cafe before your return

This! Or just cooler his ass for a day or two ;)

What do you call it when you climax at the end of a really dull lovemaking session? A Meh-jaculation.                                                   

fyp

have debated posting this one due to both oldness and crapness but doesn't seem to be stopping boldie anyone else......

Scotsman goes into a bakery and points to an item on display.  "is that a sausage roll or a meringue?".   "No you're right" says the baker "it is a sausage roll"

rotflmfao

News : 'British Man Plunges To Death In Ibiza'.

That toilet must have been seriously blocked.

Seriously mate where are you getting these from? I'd give up if i were you!

can someone explain this one to me?


thanks

Say "a meringue" in a Scottish accent and you might figure it out.

Bloody hell tighty even i worked that one out!

Tighty's too posh innit

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a c*&t?"
The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and fetches one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.
"You see those stars, Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a c*&t."




Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.






Sandy

What's it meant to sound like!?

Police have offered £10,000 reward for information that leads to the arrest of Raoul Moat. If he's not found by Saturday it goes up to £20,000 making it a Raoul over.

I wish people would stop posting jokes about this guy.

It's not even raoulmoatley funny.

a meh-rang, the Phonetic spelling of " A meringue"

am eye rong, the Phonetic spelling of "Am I wrong?"


Perhaps I had better stop analysing at this point

not if said in a Glaswegian accent.  If the joke was about a gentleman from Bedfordshire it would be even more crap.

FYP

it's still better than the where's wally joke tho

My stupidity apart, Claw's jokes are light years ahead of anything Boldie has posted.

Carry on Claw.

+ several

Excellent film idea

took me about 8 times saying meringue out loud to figure it out. then another couple of hours wondering how he doesn't know the difference between a meringue and a sausage roll

I gave up on that and am now wondering who raoul moat is

maybe I just shouldn't open this thread anymore but it's kinda addictive seeing how bad boldage's jokes can get

How is the "where's wally" joke not funny?

I didn't say it wasn't funny. I simply concurred with Claw's opinion that it wasn't as good as her joke.

Maybe I thought her joke was the best I'd ever heard and your's was number 2?

I'll leave that for you to work out.

hehehe..subtle way of calling my jokes "poo"...nr2, indeed :)

you and your film ideas....::)

och, there's summit rang wi yous

wi mes?

naw hen, you're brand new

When i was younger, black people constantly used to throw cherries at my head, kick ice-cream into my face and smear chocolate into my new clothes.

It was tough growing up in The Gateaux...

No, just no

Please self-ban from thread or else I will be forced into action

norrr - I actually laughed at that one!  I think it's becoming like the way you indulge someone when you feel really sorry for them :)

"Mummy, mummy, I wanna play with grandad!"

"no..........you've dug him up twice already this week!"


"Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"no..........you can flush like everyone else"



Geo

Why does Beyonce sing 'To the left, to the left?'

Because women have no rights.

PMSL    N1  Boldie

Norrrr - that one was gold.

Justice for the German one!!

list me among the gateaux/ghetto joke fans

boldie, do you have any more gags that involve puddings?

Just for you, and I'm almost ashamed to post it;



What’s a Muslim's favourite dessert?

Propheteroles

I proper LOL'd!

You hang out with kids too much  lol.

I got some jelly custard and sponge in my ears,

it made me a trifle deaf

***sick alert*****










What's the worst thing that can happen to you after having an all night long dream about eating chocolate pudding?

Waking up with a spoon up your arse.

Sandy

Boldies gattaux joke was lol

Sandy and Geo please quit with the jokes! Ta

Girgy

Brilliant.

And for tighty/gatso Am i wrong in glaswegian is amma rang? That help?

make a deal mate, I'll quit the jokes, you quit life please

Geo

All chippies in northumberland will remain closed so there will be no fishys on the dishys til the moat comes in.

Off to shoot a copper then hide in the woods, because that's how I Raoul.



Manchester City have officially bid £45m for Raoul Moat tonight.

They've no idea who he is, but they've heard everyone's after him.

Sandy

(http://img691.imageshack.us/img691/4992/kw1fr.jpg)

Lol il quit life if you quit putting ur name after every redic post you make!

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken".

So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

This duck walks into a bar,says to the barman  "got any bread ?"  sorry duck i havent says the barman, got any bread ? did you not hear me ..i havent got any bread...got any bread ? are you deaf ! i havent got any bread...got any bread ? listen to me duck ..i havent  got any fucking bread right !!..got any bread ? ..I HAVENT GOT ANY FUCKING BREAD !!!!... got any bread ? ..right you little bastard..you ask if ive got any bread once more i'll nail your beak to the bar.........got any nails ? come to think of it i havent...







































got any bread ?

greatest written joke ever

Ross was shown CCTV pictures of him putting an item in his jacket while in the "kitchen utensil" section of the store. When questioned by store detectives as to his actions, he replied "I thought it was worth the whisk"

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...















... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

Guy says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half the money and leave you."
"Great", he says, "I won 10 quid. Here's a fiver, now fuck off".

A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"This is the pig I have to f**k when you're not up for sex."
His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep."
He says: " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"

Three legged dog walks through the swings doors and into the saloon....

I'm lookin for the man who shot my paww!

Daily Telegraph: Shark swims ashore in New Jersey.

What? Where the hell did he buy that from?

Finland

His mum knitted it for him, obv.

An army Captain takes his post in Iraq, "whats this camel doing tied up outside the barracks soldier?"
Soldier replies "there are 250 men here and no women, sometimes the men get 'urges' sir!"

A month passes and the Captain starts to get urges of his own. So he puts a ladder behind the camel, gets up and shags the camel senseless.

After finishing he gets down and says "is that how the other men do it soldier?"
soldier "errrm, no sir. the men usually ride it to the brothel!"


Sandy

I met a girl in the park and asked her, "Do you like movies?"

"Not really," she huffed.

"That's a shame", I said, "Because you're about to experience strong language, extreme violence and scenes of a sexual nature."

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.

It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.

Sandy

I've taken up a new hobby, modelling wild animals from waste material.

My first attempt was a croc of shit

Should've just printed out a Cos post imo.

Sandy

Feel free to go fuck yourself

Cos

wtf? Does personal animosity have to spread to every board?

Apologies, i forgot it was either Boshi or Boldie i should have typed.

Sandy

Now that right there WAS funny!

 rotflmfao ;applause; ;hattip;

(Soz Kinfishy & Baldie...couldn't be helped. x)

Paddy had been drinking at his local  Dublin  pub all day and most of
the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says,
'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK
Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and
steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls
himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.. He takes a step towards
the door and falls flat on his face,


'Shoite,


Shoite!'


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up to the door frame.. He sticks his head outside and
takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step
out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.


'Bi'Jeeez .... I'm frockin' frocked,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No frockin' way'. He crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He
takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Frock
it' and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night ?'


Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was frockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned .. . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasaurus.

(http://www.dinosaurfact.net/Pictures/Megalosaurus.jpg)

The picuture is of megalosaurus. Megasaurus apparently isn't an actual dinosaur according to google, it's a toy.

Lesbian dinosaur is lickalotapus, obv that's not a real dinosaur either.

This made me LOL....

Man goes into a sex shop looking for a blow up doll, shop owner says:'' sure sir what would you prefer blonde, brunette, redhead?''
Man says:'' how much is the blonde one?'', owner says:''£100'', man says:'' how much for the brunette?'', ''£300'' he replies.
''Do you have any dark skinned ones'', he asks, ''yes sir we have a mueslim doll''.
''A mueslim doll fantastic'' he says, ''how much are those?'' ''£1000" he replies.
'' fuckin hell mate a £1000 why the fuck are they so expensive''
owner replies:'' they blow themselves up!!!!

.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

Sandy

ewwww

YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbEenHXmmy4.

Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…

I met Tim Vine once when I was checking in at Glasgow Airport to go to London. I asked for his autograph, and he made a joke up for me and wrote it down 'Dr Dr I think I'm turning into an airport. -Is it terminal?'
Got on the (nearly empty) plane and I'd been put right behind him and we spoke for a bit. I told him I was a big fan of Harry Hill and I had first seen him on Saturday Live, when Tim broke on to the scene also. Turns out they are best mates. He explained the story about a joke that had won Harry 'best joke' also, it was in fact Tim's joke. They had been out at a restaurant and Tim had ordered a pizza 'What you get?' 'Quattro Formaggi' 'How is it?' 'A bit cheesy'...

Tim says the joke that became number one isn't even very good, he prefers 'I'm going to Sooty's bbq. I'm gonna have a Sweepstake'.

They are all a bit like Tommy Cooper, and I know a lot of people don't like that kind of humour, I love it, surreal/stupid one liners that are a bit dumb, but who said comedy had to be clever? Harry Hill's stuff is similar.

oooOOOoooOOOooo

I went to my bosses for dinner,complete disaster,his wife said to me how many potatoes would you like ? oh i'll just have the one,you dont have to be polite she said,ok then i'll have one,you f****ng pig.

I have an image of jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes.

It's my screen saviour. 

:D I just set mine to 'hibernate' for 3 days.

(http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/0400ebba-26e4-4427-a6a5-8170afbc5670.png)

(http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/b7294f0d-c9ce-4ff7-bdac-b67a8bb49183.png)

(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/9/1/40ec8628-321b-465d-b0d2-85133785a4df.png)

A Scotsman, Englishman, and Irishman walk into a bar.

The barman says, "You're out of order!"

My wife rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 3 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."

I said, "You'll be f***ing lucky... I only ordered one controller."

But that's the right order isn't it?

Eng/Ire/Sco imo

Sco/Eng/Ire here

That just dosent roll off the tongue here in the Emerald Isle

Sports news just in...

Pakistan beaten by England by 5 wickets at Cardiff next Sunday.

according to my little black book it's deffo eng/ire/sco.  insignificant sample size tho.

Scots always come last

Wow, you have your black book in order of nationality?

Lol.

continents, sub-divided into nationality and cities

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself,

"This milk must be seriously out of date."

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in Edinburgh. 

I really tried not to giggle.....

There's something I need to tell you but it's really hard to say...

...Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead.

I love that new BUPA advert

"One day Mary felt a bump... It was cancer.

The doctor put her in a nice room and she felt better"

She still had cancer though.

They don't tell you that.

Er, it's Emma actually. And you're making brown cow in Scottish field assumptions. So there.


YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1nevt42M9Q

wheres the joke?

Haha wp

News: 'Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day.'


He needs a calmer chameleon

Is it wrong that the groan was followed up by a giggle?

guy in bed with his missus. getting a bit frisky and he tells her he wants a 'chilean miner'

'what the fk is a chilean miner? she asks

'well, work your way down to the bottom of the shaft, and dont come back up til christmas'

I'm thoroughly hacked off with people constantly knocking on my door asking for charitable donations. Last night a woman came round collecting for the local sperm bank. I gave her a right mouthful.

In a protest against radical vegetarians, on September 11th I will be burning some Quorn. 

I cant believe it! I was going to get up and fly the plane...

But I was still stuck to my fucking seat

Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all lying dead in the hospital with big smiles on their faces. The police find this suspicious so they send an officer to investigate. He asks the doctor "Why does that dead Englishman have a big smile on his face?". The doctor explains "Oh he won the lottery tonight and had a heart attack". The policeman continues to the next body "And why does that dead Scotsman have a big smile on his face?" The doctor explains "Oh he drank a crate of fine vintage Whisky tonight and died of alcoholic poisoning". The officer turns to the last body "And why does this dead Irishman have a big smile on his face?" The doctor explains "Oh he was struck by lightning tonight, when he saw the flash he thought someone was taking his photo"

Policeman pulls a scouser over for having a dog in the front seat of his car.

As the policeman approaches the car he sees the scouser smack the dog over the head.

The copper asks "Why have you just hit your dog?" the scouser replies "The bastard just ate ma tax disc"

 :D

I got text this today if it's too rude mods take it down
I thought it was very good
you have to sing it out loud

A new advert for Manchester City...
Webuyanyc***.com
Webuyanyc***.com
Webuyanyc***.com
Any any any any
Webuyanyc***.com-any race, any size, any age, any price, from 50 quid to a hundred mill!
Webuyanyc***.com!!!!!
Enter your squad number now at webuyanyc***.com!

Rather than delete it I've just edited it as it is quite funny.

And to think you normally write chit as the other word is too rude...

I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps. Absolute legend.

dear oh dear.  where do you find these 'jokes' boldie?

He makes them up obv

Most of them appear on sickipedia at some stage or other. IMO you would hate the site as it pretty much is no holds barred so i would advise you don't visit. Some is funny and some you have to ignore as it's really sick but it's not for the easily offended (or those with high morals).

Sandy

[  ] I've never seen the site
[  ] I hate it
[  ] I am easily offended
[X] everything in it's place

I'm not commenting on my morals.

quite amusing the conclusions people jump to about the character of someone they don't know :)  Quite pleasing to know I can pull the chaste thing off though :D

-1 The guy is a total tosser








At least you know where you are with him though  ;marks;

Said the actress to her friend

your read is a bit off, most of the time Claw is pure filth

I've been saving up for a sex change and, I've almost got enough money to swap my right hand for a prostitute.

Sandy

Yep, I love sickipedia..shame I can't post some of the funnier stuff on here :(

lol A+

I'll never forget the last words my Grandad said before he kicked the bucket
.
.
.
.
He said....... Grandson, how far do you think i can kick that bucket ?

Time to lock this thread now! Some of these jokes are poor now!!

This is good

Now now...

After the 1st hour in prison George Michael had a chocolate bar shoved up his arse.

Prison officers said it was just a careless wispa!

Wasn't it a Wham Bar?  ;marks;

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

finally the german posts a goodun. the old adage 'if at first you don't succeed...' proved correct

Maybe not the best adage to use when talking to a German though.

lol, 2 in a row

fantastic - boldie's found his form.  more please!

Ghostwriter imo :D
Can't be Bolide himself, he's currently in Bellahouston park waving a flag.



The Popemobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass...

but this could come down to the same thing as that joke snoopy posted (probs on the pakistan floods thread). pope trusts in god and goes out on a pushbike, gets shot, goes to heaven, whinges to god about how he put his faith in him, gets told `what the fuck more did you want me to do? I gave you a car with 4 inches of bulletproof glass ffs`

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck,





turns out I phoned dial a lama.

I once tried to get the autograph of the Actor who played "The Equaliser" but got distracted by his wife

Tuurns out I couldn't see the Woodward for Dotrice.



(one for the old timers)

From the great Rodney Dangerfield;

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price

So they glued me to a yak.

Oh dear. Now Tighty has reminded me of this gem:

What do you call a man with a tree on his head?
Edward
What do you call a man with 3 trees on his head?
Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 trees on his head?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would!!

Just been to Asda and I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread.

But when I got closer, it actually said,

"THICK CUT"

I was watching the news the other day and they were showing the floods in Pakistan.

They showed this woman, standing there in her flooded living room, crying.

I just thought; You know, if anything, you're just making it worse.

In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

Please make him stop...

+1 use ur powers mr dog!

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade. 

I invented gloves.

Okay, I'm lying but I did have a hand in it. 

Please stop with these garbage efforts!! They are not jokes IMO!!

people in glass houses.....;D

Not a joke but I did lol

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-11380834

Police so incompetent nowadays, and this is just the tip of the iceberg

How does that even look like lettuce?..what kind of shitty stuff does the BBC reporter eat?

Quite lol that the reporter dares to question the quality of police work in that one.

Blatant 'I live in Scotland but still remember what a lettuce looks like' brag post imo

(http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQEuAFDVhk1uGs0JTTkaVNXgydDX-o_6lk5oa6K5myWumHOcSQ&t=1&usg=__Yiqleb5uCGK5EtVwEgxc0CIdvYk=)

lol........is it cos? ? ? ? ?   

What do u call a man with no arms and no legs that can play the piano?

Cleaver Dick

haha, POTW, took me a minute :D :D

No. That's the man that can chop wood.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

Dear members of blonde, i really need your advice for serious problem ! I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings, if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight i hid outside behind the car when she came home she got out of some ones car and was buttoning her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the micra i noticed it... a hairline crack in the wing mirror.. Is that something I can glue or do I need to replace it . . . . ?

Better sent as a text but wanted to get the joke thread back to the top of the page where it belongs!!

The Sun: "Man sawed off two limbs to escape a fallen boiler is given a free boiler from company"

It's nice he got it for free, those boilers cost an arm and a leg!

maybe we were too hasty in calling for this thread to be unlocked

Got this txted to me, made me chuckle thought i might share.

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said "and what's your idea?"
I replied "It's a simple concept, you just put the money in the fuckin bag "  

My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything it made him more sluggish.

A Glesca burd walks into a dry cleaners and places a dress on the counter; "Ah'll come back ramorra efternin an pick it up".
"Come again?", says the assistant.
"Naw", she replies "this time its mayonnaise"

Love it.

Take That have announced that they will be playing at Wembley next year........ Ive just put £20 on them to win 3-1.

Paddy was in court for punching his wife again. The judge asks, "why do you keep beating your wife?".  Paddy says "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".

Steve Jobs is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem.
It will be rebranded as iLand

Saudia arabia doesn't like the Flintstones but abi dabi du

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam locomotive. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

Not nice to talk about tikay like that!!

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lotto?"

She says,

"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won £12 , here's £6 - now Fuck off!"  :D

(http://i724.photobucket.com/albums/ww249/mikill_thomas/unsure.gif)

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each..

Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out, "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “Its not bad this time machine; I'll have a bit of that,” so he asks,

“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and he gets a printout.
But he's just staring at it.

“Come on David,” says Barak, “What does it say?”

David replies,

“I'm buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

I received a letter of complaint today from ScrewFix.
Apparently they're not a dating agency

I got a new eastern european cleaning lady today.

It took her 5 hours just to hoover the living room!!

Turns out she was a slovac.

I got a call today from the school, complaining that my son has been lying. "He's good", I said, "I don't even have a son"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

You are the greatest

Copyright infringement soz Boldie, I posted on FB , no offence.

Lol oh dearty me.

Oh boldie how could you!

i bought a giant bottle of tip-ex yesterday ------- BIG MISTAKE !!!!!!!!

why was the avon lady chuffed ---- cause max factor !!!!!!!

a toilets been stolen from our local police station------ police have nothing to go on !!!!!!!!!!

According to researchers (in the Sport),vegetarians' sperm tastes better than anyone else's.I nearly choked on my MUNGBEAN SALAD when I read that!

I love wine so much,I often get a Semìllon.

Laughed out very loud!!

Dubai have banned the Flintstones cartoon, apprently they don't get the humour, but it's ok because Abu Dhabi Do

So apparently Snoop Dogg is carrying a brolly with him these days ...fo drizzle.

I went to a fancy dress party last night as a loaf of bread.

The fucking birds were all over me!

1st Circumlocutionist: I have in my possession an animal belonging to
                       the family Canidae, and it appears that he does
                       not possess any extra-facial olfactory organs.

2nd Circumlocutionist: Could you therefore impart to me, such
                       knowledge as may be necessary, to describe how
                       that animal circumvents the problem of
                       satisfying his olfactory senses?

1st Circumlocutionist: Unfortunately, the non-ambiguity of your
                       enquiry does not easily permit me to provide a
                       clever answer, but I am in fact thinking of
                       referring the animal to an olfactologist.
                       However, the animal does have a fairly
                       unpleasant body odour, should you be
                       interested.

aaah but did you get a duck?

Q. What's pink and hard?
A. A pig with a flick knife.

Q. What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A. A happy pit bull.

Oh dear, I actually sniggered at that.

What do you get if you cross a Great Dane with a Pedophile?

Schmeical Jackson

Q. What do you call a bear with no paw?
A. Rupert the bastard.

Soon to be Mrs Boshi (It's only a matter of time) asks Kin; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the Kin comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The Soon to be Mrs Boshi asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

I overheard a woman speaking about 'sight, hearing, taste, touch & smell.

Unbelievable! I thought, a woman talking sense??

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says
the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."

Just seen 2 gay lads having a massive argument outside pub, hope it's calmed down a bit - they looked like they were about to exchange blows...

I'm still a firm believer of chivalry.

You know, holding doors open for bitches an stuff.





After a hearty meal I still had half a sandwich left on my plate, "Do you want a box for that?" the waitress asked..

"No", I replied, "but I'll wrestle you for a cup of coffee."

What do u call a nun with a washer on her head.....

Sistermatic

Am dissapointed to find mod activity in this thread. Would have thought they'd have deleted...

FYP

Crumbs! Toasty life.

All that crumpet....

You think they'd be worried about getting a yeast infection.

I bet Girgy floured them with compliments

Doh!   ;marks;

These are pitta-ful

Easy tiger.

Bicarbonate of Sodasn't make any sense.

You mean you made a bloomer?

Apparently Girgy buttered up Marge by staring at her baps

He took her to dinner and it cost a fortune. I wonder what the baguette?

Apparently, there's this craze going round Bradford lately where
people crush pills, mix them with a bit of vodka, then inject them
into their mouths. It's called "E By Gum."

What came first the chicken or the egg, personally I am going with the egg, as in my experience birds take ages to come

Andy Gray's Resignation Letter........

 
 



I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a job that I've loved doing.
However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my friend that I was going to

tell on air next week.

You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of teenage boys.
 
One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field,
while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok sweetheart?" she says.

"Yes Miss" he replies.

"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.

"It's best I stay here Miss." he says.

"Why?" asks the Teacher.

The boy replies: "Because I'm the fucking goal keeper"
 
 Yours sincerely.
Andy Gray

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled parking space outside work this morning.

I thought to myself, "I wonder what his handicap is?"

The chicken & the egg are lying in bed, the egg lights up a cigarette & says, "Well, I guess we know the answer to THAT question"

BBC News; Bomb goes off in the center of Peshawar.

Christ, hope my naan is OK.

Did you hear about the man who attempted to eat 500 yoghurts?  He mullered himself.

I'm being investigated by the Police for stealing inflatable pool toys. Think I better lilo for a while.

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said "it's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
.......... thinking back I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day

 :)

A woman and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?"
The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."
He says, "I was talking to the duck."

I just saw a Nazi drive past me at 88 mph.

Probably going Back to the Führer.

i'm actually starting to love boldie's jokes

That's the Stockholm Syndrome kicking in.

LOL wp.

The other day I was walking down the street and a police officer offered me a sweet. When I put it in my mouth it gave me an electric shock.

It was a maltaser.

I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.

I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.

He just said I didn't have much of a case.

Some cocaine addicts get a very glossy skin. It's the charlie sheen

Little Katie was in class and shouted to the teacher, Miss, Miss, I am sorry, but I have just peed myself...  Thank you Katie, but why didnt you put your hand up?...  I did Miss, but it kept trickling through my fingers..!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

lol

'Musician Wyclef Jean shot in hand'

Should have just used a sock like the rest of us.

Do you know what floats Jay-Z's boat?

Buoyancy.

genius!

vwp

Don't encourage him FFS.

Whats pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife!

SKY NEWS- Sailor Dee Caffari has become the only woman to have sailed around the world non-stop three times.

Typical woman, can't even find a parking space for a boat.

There was this fat lady in the doorway of this nice Italian restaurant today.
I Couldn't get pasta.

I'm a fan

A Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife..."This is three horses.........." I said "That's a beautiful name. What does it mean..."? He said "Fuckin nag,nag,nag!

So Holly Willoughby has named her new baby Belle.
Bit cheesy if you ask me.

A man who died immediately after completing enormous spreadsheet "may have Excelled himself"

Just heard a digger rapping. Must be a Jay-Z B.

After his latest operation David Beckham may be forced to walk with a stick.

Well, he didn't have to marry her.

BTW I'm stealing all these from @jacques_aih on Twitter - I assume it's Boldie's secret account.

I tried to get a refund on my incomplete backgammon set. No dice

I hate street performers...

Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

A bloke stood on the corner yelling "One, two, three, five, six".I thought " That's uncalled four".

fine work mr doogan

 :dontask:

do I need to read this in a funny accent or summat to understand it?

My mate David had his ID stolen the other day.

Can't get used to calling him Dav.

with only 3 entries ,

this may be the last sheep quiz ever

Don't get it.

My son was sent home from school today for swearing.
I said to him, what did u say?..
 He replied, the C word dad.
I said it wasn't clever was it?.
He replied no dad it was c**t..!

A thief was caught after stealing some paintings from the Louvre in Paris, when his getaway van ran out of fuel.

Given bail at his first hearing, a reporter asked him on the steps of the courthouse how he forgot such a vital part of his plan.

"Simple," said the thief, "I had no Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Oh, the shame.

police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife they said
"is this your wife sir"
shocked i answered "yes"
they said " i'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus"
"i know but she has a lovely personality"

Crap, my 3 year old has figured out how to open the fridge.

We'll have to find somewhere else to keep him now.

Before this week very few people knew Faisalabad, similarly with Islamabad and Faisalabad. But we've known Westhamabad for most of the season.

Footballist prick! Ban IMO  :D

A royal wedding, 4 days off work , Man U getting beat and Bin Laden shot dead. Carlsberg don't normally do bank holidays but they did this one.

monkey is sat up a tree when she feels something at the back of her. she looks round to see a horny mouse trying to give her one. oi she shouts and the mouse runs off. "dirty little mouse she thinks so off she swings after the it. eventually she catches up with the mouse and its round the back of the elephant giving the elephant one. monkey shouts down to the elephant put despite its rather large ears the elephant is deaf. to get the elephants attention she throws down a coconut and it hits the elephant on the head. the only reaction is the elephant lets out a "uuuff". monkey throws 3 more coconuts down on the elephants head. "uuuff uuuff uuuff" but still no reaction from the dumb elephant so down she swings to the mouse. "oi mouse what do you think your game is?" the mouse replies "get lost monkey you prude. Cant you hear the elephant is enjoying this"

tl;dr

I hate being bi-polar. It's fantastic.

;D

 ;applause;

An English cat called One Two Three and a French cat called Une Deux Trois had a race to see which of them could swim the channel fastest. One two three won because Une Deux Trois Cattre Cinq.

Anyone have any luck with Olympic Stadium tickets?
I did, I got 55,000 for West Ham v Doncaster

Exclusive internet movie about super injunctions to be released soon :-

Saving Ryans Privates

Sandy

Imogen Thomas has launched a singing career to play down speculation of having an affair with a premiership footballer. She's currently doing Giggs in Manchester.

Love it

Regards

M