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Have you ever pretended to be someone your aren't?


Today, my friend phoned up and asked a favour. Her Boss had asked her to arrange for a plumber to visit a Department Store he has a contract for. He basically arranges for any work that needs doing and to keep all the pipes, electrics, etc working smoothly.  She forgot to call the plumber yesterday and didn't want to get into trouble with her Boss.  So she asked me to pretend to be a Plumber and go along to inspect a broken pipe.

I know absolutely nothing about plumbing or water leaks  :D.   Due to the fact I am a push over, I agreed.  When I got to the Store, I explained I was Graham ( the name of the plumber who was suppose to show up ) and I was from the maintenance company.  I have no idea what plumbers carry with them, so had a set of tacky looking 99p spanners and a screw driver that I had bought from ALDI on the way there.

The Lady at the Store showed me to the toilets and explained the pipe was leaking.  I didn't just go in there with no back up plan though, I had arranged to call my friend who is a plumber and he would talk me through the procedure.  Unfortunately the women stood and watched me for a few minutes and tried to make small talk.  I was thinking to myself  " Please go away....  I can't phone the guy when you are stood there looking at me ".  So I held a few pipes and did a bit of head shaking and said   " ohh,  I see the problem here love.  We have a leaking pipe ".  I forgot that is why, I had been called there in the first place  :D.  I may as well have been trying to fix a car engine as I had no idea what the hell I was looking at. There were loads of pipes and leaking water.

Eventually she went away and my mate talked me through how to fix the pipe. It went well and the leak was fixed, although I now hold the unofficial record for the slowest maintenance job performed in UK history. I think she thought I had fell asleep in the toilets. My phone battery ran out as well, but I had the main bit done by then thankfully.

Watch Rogue Traders with Matt Allright next time, I will probably be on there with my 99p spanners and confused look spread across my face.   

Anyone need a plumber? 

lol good work Sark.  I like the bit about the 99p spanners from Aldi :D

is this in any way related to the XML feeds Sark?

Good work by the way.  Did you get paid?

No, I didn't get any money.  But I had to sign a sheet. Unfortuately I forgot the name of the company I was representing. I had to make an excuse, so I could find a pay phone and call my friend and ask the company name.   

No comment about the XML's  :D

Sark, the next time you visit our planet promise you'll come and see us.

fecking classic

So you will get paid then when your pretend company invoices £200 for the work...

The friend is female in case you missed it  ;) ;ifm; ;goodluck;

Sandy

You can't make this stuff up.
 :D

Sark, you're my hero  :respect:

Send them an invoice and ask them to make it out the cheque out to Corporate Advanced System Holdings, CASH for short.

It is just a small matter of paperwork.  It doesn't matter which employee ( or fake employee ) carries out the work, just that the work gets done.  My role was to do the job she should have arranged for one of the companies workers to do.

Wow, you should go on Faking It.  Gutsy.  :cheers: I wrote sick notes to my school pretending to be my mum, but that's easy, no technical skill required...

You should get a ride out of that at least.

Id expect more than just a free ride.... you can get that for nothing north of the border.

I probably looked out of place. When she called, I had just come back from a ride on my bike.  I pulled on another shirt, but was still wearing a pair of cycle shorts and SPD clipless shoes.  The Store women must have thought  I was the Adam Heart Davis of the plumbing world.

great story loved kind thing i get involved in

Another Sark classic!

I once told my maths teacher I hadn't been able to do my homework as my mun had had a heart attack and was in hospital.  She believed me - 2 days later at the school carol concert my Mum turned up to hear me in the choir.........doh

Well done for getting away with it!

Sorry Sark, but this is way too far-fetched to believe, the others are all too gullible. 99p for a set of spanners in ALDI? - 39p MAXIMUM. You can buy a new Bathroom Suite in Aldi for 99p.

I thing its another Tikay misread, you get the 39p spanners in Lidl, the Aldi ones are indeed 99p

 :D  To be fair to ALDI, I like the store. There is some pretty good things for sale in there at decent prices.  The spanners seem to do the job and I gave them to my Uncle earlier. He seemed chuffed about the gift.  I like the scuba diving gear in ALDI as well. If I lived near the sea side and knew I wouldn't get chemical posioning, I would be tempted to buy them.  The beach near here is abit grubby to swim in though.  Maybe when I move to Spain in a few years time, I will buy them  :D

I got paid for this job today.  £41.70 .  I was surprised when I opened the envelope as I thought it was probably a Bill.  It was actually payment  :D

So funny

OMG, this is truly unique, nice one my son.

Have to say that i think you should change your name to "Jared", the main character in the TV show "The Pretender", the one about a genius who was trained to take on a character, role or job, you know, for covert black op jobs.

A bit like a modern "Joe 90" without the puppets, flashing lights and child being exposed to brainwashing and re-programming.

£40 is very cheap for a plumber, I think you've undercharged them Sark!

lol, I had no idea I was going to get anything for it. I thought I was just doing a favour so the cheque was a pleasant surprise.  It is going on my CV though


 :D Bainn

....lets just hope your friend doesn't get a British Airways contract... ;D

Wow £40 is cheap, I'm a plumber and I wouldn't get my butler to walk all the way to the west wing and wake me up for that.  ;D

sark come on. you dont swim in sand, you walk on it:) what chemicals are going into the sea at ayr/troon/ayrshire coast? i want to know as i swam it it not long ago

mad

Not sure Mad, I was just joking.   The water is too cold anyway, that's the real reason I wouldn't swim there .  There is a beach up North called Midfield Beach, it has the clearest water anywhere .  Great place to swim

Story gave me a chuckle. THANKS. Reminded me of the scene in 'Catch Me If You Can' where the kid pretends to be the new physics teacher (think it's physics) and Christopher Walken (playing 'Di Caprio's' dad) is sooooooo proud of his boy.

Nice Job, lets hope they don't call you out for a recall tho.

You near Ayr Sark? That's where my mother's from and half my family are still dotted around the west.

I am in Kilmarnock, which is fairly close to Ayr.  I was at Ayr a few days ago taking my dogs a walk.

superb stuff.

Cool...visited Kilmarnock as a kid to see family...have family in Ayr, Kilmarnock and Glasgow...need to get up that way and see what it's like through the eyes of an adult as haven't been north of the border since my early teens.

im sure you will be welcomed with open arms. some of the ayrshire coast has become very ghost townish. The coucil are trying to build it back up again. there are mansions lying empty on the north ayrshire coast giving an indication of previous wealth of the population. im sure it will go back to that. The sea-side hasnt changed a bit and still goes on for miles and in ayr itself you still have all those things that make a childhood special. amusments, candy floss, fish and chips etc
hope you enjoy your trip when you go

mad

Cheers Mad :)

I've heard that Ayr harbour has been 'developed' and is nowt like I remember. That provided a picture postcard scene and was a welcome sight for a kid from the concrete jungle that is Birmingham. 'Progress' eh!

:)

OMG how did I miss this thread....absolutely classic of our lovely Sark. I actually spluttered when I read ripples comments.

BUMP!!

Love these soft of wind ups, nice work.

Thank You for "bumping" this. First time i have read it. Truly Superb

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Bumped Thread.

THIS

  mmmmm us real plumbers don't get out of bed for less than £300

John!

How are you? And the Guv'nor? And the Kids?

BoB ?

thanks for the bump, this was incredible

Still think this should be on BoB

8 years since Madasahatstand last posted!