An account of Jeeves' trip to Las Vegas latterly in the service of Mr tikay.

[Jeeves]

Christmas Eve

I was looking forward to Christmas spent serving the Prew family when three days ago my mobile telephone rang. It was a softly spoken Scottish lady, sounding slightly exasperated, and not a little harrassed. In the background I heard a man shouting, and banging noises.

"Hello, is that Jeeves?"

"Yes" I replied, immediately quizzical

"My name is Mrs Bolide from Scotland and I need your help. It's Christmas in three days and I live with a man so angry and out of control that I fear I may not get through the holiday season without beheading him. Are you free currently for a short term assignment?"

"I am sorry Mrs Bolide" I replied, relieved "I am currently in the employ of Mr End"

"Oh I have spoken to Mr End" she replied "he says I can have you for a few days"

I looked across to Mr End, at that moment engaged in bolting shut and padlocking the lid to his bread bin. He looked back, and failed to hide the hint of a smile on the corner of his face.

I said I would ring Mrs Bolide back.

Several minutes later I did so, my conversation with Mr End only interrupted by his rummaging in cupboards for KitKats

"Mrs Bolide? I would be delighted to travel North of the Border for the Xmas period. See you tomorrow"

On arrival in Glasgow I was met by the lady herself. Small, dark haired and pleasant, but slightly timid especially around bald men it seemed.

She took me to the Bolide house. I was puzzled by one thing, and wondered when to bring it up. My research on the blonde poker forum had discovered that the gentleman in question had a username Boldie, yet his name was Peter Bolide. Why was this? I wondered 

I asked the question. Her reply raised as many questions as it answered

"My husband's real name is Peter Von Beckenbauer but he had it changed by deed poll before he came to Scotland. He's German see. He changed his name to Peter Bolide becuase of his love for Bolides."

"What are Bolides?" I asked, genuinely non-plussed

"Bolides are an astronmical term. Astronomers tend to use the term to mean an exceptionally bright fireball, particularly one that explodes, sometimes called a detonating fireball. Peter is a keen amateur astronomer, liking nothing more than spending hours in the attic peering out to the stars and absentmindly talking bollocks and ranting, and he chose that name to appear less Germanic than Von Beckenbauer in everyday life. When he signed up to blonde Poker he mistakenly put his name down as Boldie, and didn't have the heart to change it as the simpletons there immediately assumed it was because he was a slaphead"

"Oh" I replied, lost for words

We entered the Germanic looking mansion having exited the Germanic car and in the Germanic living room, was a tall gentleman, dressed in breeches and shiny boots. He was pacing up and down in front of a PC and I stood and watched as he dictated a reply to a minion called Helga whilst a re-run of 'Allo 'Allo played on the wall mounted Germanic HDTV Plasma above the Germanic fireplace, with a roaring Germanic fire in full flight.

"OK, not everyone is skint...in fact..let's assume all these people could easily afford it.

Spending 1000s on young kids for Christmas is still beyond belief in my humble opinion though. Again, why does a 9YO need a laptop? Why do you need to take your young kids halfway across the world to give them an "unforgettable" Christmas? Can't that be done from the home? Really?

Am I really missing something here, is that what parenting is all about? Is that honestly the best parents can come up with these days? Kid wants a PS3 for christmas and therefore he/she/it shall have it even though he/she/it isn't even into double digits age-wise yet?

I watch telly and hear parents moan about peer pressure, I look around the office and hear people moan about them being skint one month and then spending 1000s on Christmas the next because "the kids want it". I see people I know go completely nuts and throw all reason out of the window when it comes to this great overhyped holiday because they have kids.

Pillocks, every single one of them.

I understand I might be one of the few people that really doesn't like Christmas, I think it's overhyped and generally an awful, awful time of year...I also understand that most people do like it (but then a lot of people watch Big Brother and read The Sun so I don't think that that statistic really matters)...I do think that people completely lose the little bit of common sense that they have at Christmas though...and that's why it annoys me.

Just let it annoy me, I am happy that way...it makes me feel good.

I think people who spend 1000s of pounds on their kids at Christmas are idiots. You go spend 1000s of pounds on your kids at Christmas, what do you care about what I think? Honestly,....you probably don't...if you do care what I think though, that's probably because in the back of your head you are asking yourself;

"When did I become one of those assholes that spend 1000s of pounds on their kids at Christmas?"

Parents, think about it;
It is a completely natural process. I have no kids and therefore believe most parents are complete fannies when it comes to theirs. You were the same when you didn't have kids. Now you have kids and you've become an asshole about it. I can safely say you've become an asshole about it because that's what you thought about people like yourself before you had kids. This is fine, it's not a problem....you've even become one of those people that say "It's easy to say when you don't have kids yourself, your whole life changes when you have kids of your own" as if that is an excuse to become a twat and you always hated people telling you this.

Most parents are twats when it comes to their own kids. Again, this is completely understandable...and can even be commended in most circumstances. However, only very rarely is your kid as clever as you think it is. Very rarely is your kid as good looking as you think it is and very rarely is your kid as good in sports as you think it is.
You now probably need that SUV to go shopping...even though you always hated people like that.

You should drag your baby onto a plane and sit right behind me, even though you always hated it when people did that to you.

By all means, bore people with stories about what insignificant little thing your child did the other day..even though you hated it when people did that to you. (And I really LOVE to see pictures of your kids nativity play!)

Again, completely understandable and it's great..you SHOULD feel this way about your kids....but it still means you're a pillock...and almost everyone becomes one when they are a parent.

All I'm saying is that there are varying degrees of pillocks, and those that spend 1000s of pounds on a child at christmas..top the list of pillocks IMO."

He eventually paused for Germanic breath and must have sensed he had non-Germanic company. He turned round and strode towards me

"You are Jeeves Ja?"

"Yes Mr Bolide"

"Call me Petey" he said disarmingly "Did you know that Dusseldorf is the capital city of the German state of North Rhine-Westphalia. It is an economic centre of Germany. The city is situated on the River Rhine and has a high population density - the Rhine-Ruhr metropolitan area has over 10 million inhabitants alone. The city is renowned for its many events and also for its fashion and trade fairs. Every July more than 4.5 million people visit the Große Düsseldorfer Kirmes fair"

"Er, no sir" I said, struggling to get a word in edgeways

"Even better Ja, lowest concentration of children per head of adult population in Germany. These adults are sensible Ja? Not pillocks. Not parents. Sensible Germanic towel loving pragmatic and functional adults."

He stood back and admired his profile in his Germanic mirror. After a further pause he stated, definitively

"I hate children. I hate people who have children. I hate governements. I hate hair. I hate non-German cars" and walked out of the room in the direction of a kitchen I later discovered to contain a fridge full of bratwurst.

I looked at Mrs Bolide, and Mrs Bolide looked at me

I did not ask the obvious question.."How on earth do you put up with that?"

but instead, ever the professional, said

"Mrs Bolide, where are my quarters? I would like to get straight to work"

My Christmas working holiday had began.

 

[cia260895]

hey boldie is so upper class with a butler

tally ho jeeves tally ho!

[boldie]

I would like to see Jeeves go back to his towel folding duties to be honest, otherwise which chair am I gonna sit in tomorrow?

It is scary to see how well he's captured the essence of me though...can't wait to see where this goes...although I doubt he'll get much time around Christmas.

[MrsBoldie]

Dear Jeeves

Just in-case I don't get the chance over the festive period, I would just like to take this opportunity to say thank you for listening and flying up to Scotland to help me out.

I will be forever in your debt.

Mrs Bolide

[kinboshi]

Good work Jeeves.

[thetank]

To be fair to Mr. Bolide, he's probably just overstressed at the moment, what with the move from Edinburgh to Glasgow.

[boldie]

To be fair to Mr. Bolide, he's probably just overstressed at the moment, what with the move from Edinburgh to Glasgow.

Glasgow or Edinburgh, it's all the same really..except that one town is full of buckfast drinking neds and the other is full of people who think they're better than other Scottish people.

Falkirk FTW!

[Claw75]

wow - just realised I never even knew boldie's real name!

[bolt pp]

wow - just realised I never even knew boldie's real name!

vincent van vandervan?

[Ironside]

by the writing style it can only be Jenn or flopsy surely. Its way to well written to be most of blonde

i'll give you 10-1 on flopsy and 50-1 on jen

I will take £20 on each as long as you bet £40 with me at 1000-1 on it being sofa

whats the point i know its none of the 3

[booder]

update please Jeeves old boy.

[Laxie]

Jeeves is still about   

http://mosh.nokia.com/content/4F77235989507D7AE040050A453009D0

[AndrewT]

It looks like Jeeves has managed to get his old job back.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7990296.stm

[Jeeves]

I was at a low ebb. After my job with Blatch had come to a sudden end, after months of no pay and much creative accounting,  I had taken a role as Aquarium cleaner at Pets at Home, Croydon. There, amongst the guppies and the Goldfish I spent my days, reminiscing over former glories. And Blatch.

Late last Thursday evening i took a telephone call. Old habits die hard and I answered

"Jeeves speaking, butler for hire"

All I could hear was a muffled voice exclaim

"How on earth do I use this bloody thing? Maria?! Maria?! Where on earth is that girl when you need her?"

before eventually a man cleared his throat, recovered his composure and spoke

"I've lost seven stone you know?!"

I struggled to place the voice. The odd dropped "h" betrayed Southern roots, and the raspiness betrayed a man of nervous disposition and plentiful smoking

"May I ask who I am speaking to?" I proferred politely

"It's television's Tony Kendall of course Jeeves"

I was momentarily stunned. My employer at the time of my initial diary in these parts some two years ago had contacted me out of the blue.

"Hello sir, how may I help you?"

"Well Jeeves, I've lost seven stone and live on 1200 calories a day"

"Yes sir" I intoned, growing weary of the clear onset of senility in the televison personality's repetition

"Now then Jeeves, I've blagged it for another trip to Las Vegas Nevada with Sky Poker, where fish are fish and yoghurts are natural. Only I need help Jeeves, Serious help.  I'm so disorganised. Not even Mother Hen and Anneka can help me."

"What would you like me to do sir?" I asked, without thinking, immediately regretting it

"Come with me Jeeves, organise everything before hand, everything while I am there, and deliver me safe to Feltham, Middlesex afterwards"

"The stipend sir? What is the stipend" I decided to bluff, hoping he was unaware of my recent tribulations in Leicestershire

"Sky Poker, where fish are fish and the Green Room is Beige, pay me a fortune Jeeves. I'll pay you whatever you require"

Moments later we had struck a deal. I was on my way to Las Vegas, Nevada with Television's Tony Kendall once again

I meet him on Wednesday, and we fly on Thursday

I would like, should this esteemed site allow it, to record our experiences here once again

For now, I will content myself with the list of instructions provided by the Sky Poker, where fish are fish and where raked rebuys doubled the management pension pots, Relations manager himself


- 1200 calories a day until I hit the airport

- Once I hit the airport buy me fourteen non-fiction books

- and an all day breakfast. Preferably a Buffet breakfast. I love Buffets.

- Persuade police that I have not cloned my number plate and get them to cancel impending prosecution

- Read Blatch thread because if I do I might get cross

- Report back on Blatch thread

- Visit mods board, it still exists I think. I'll lend you my log-in.

- Invite Sofa King to Swansea Sky event. Get him to do those tricks. Do NOT get him to flog stolen number plates to Sky management

- Tell Mother Hen that I have a butler again and she now has time to pursue her career path to the top of Sky Poker, where fish are fish and Producers can be bolshie I've found.

- That's it.

See you Wednesday at Gatters, 7am sharp.




 

[maccol]

Welcome back!
Let the japes commence.