"I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart. If I stay here just a little bit longer,If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?"

I was a little startled that these were Masters first words to me on Thursday morning but i decided to enter into the spirit of it

"Certainly been sailing through stormy waters sir, aha ha ha"

only to be met with another withering look

"Jeeves, Portland and Seattle await. Oregon. Amtrak, Boeing. Seahawks. Sonics"

"Sir the Sonics left Seattle in 2008. No basketball in Seattle now. they are now the Oklahoma City Thunder. shall i leave your Lebron shirt here til you return?"

"Cheers, Jeeves"

"no problem sir"

On arrival in Seattle I decided to let the happy couple have some time touring the aircraft factory and left them with the words

"Will I see you tonight on a downtown train?"

Gill appeared to understand what i was getting at

"make sure you are wearing your handbags and the gladrags. That your Granddad had to sweat so you could buy"

and gave me a pleasant smile

"Baby?" I proferred to complete the sentence

but was met with a combination of looks that suggested i had overstepped the mark

I busied myself at the hotel and some hours later they returned. Master was all afluster

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got, Jeeves. Making your way in times of trouble, sure does help a lot Jeeves. I wanted to get away Jeeves, sometimes you've got to go where everybody knows your name Jeeves"

"sir?"

I was confused

"Cheers,Jeeves"

"Boston sir"

"no Jeeves, Seattle. Cheers. Bar. Kirstie Alley. Ted someone. Men drinking at a bar Jeeves"

"Boston sir"

"do you mean Frasier?"

"no Jeeves, he fought Ali in the Phillipines not Seattle"

"Madison Square Garden sir. Frasier sir, Kelsey Grammer, sir"

"No i didn't go to a grammar Jeeves"

"Cheers, sir"

"Yes Jeeves, Cheers."

Suddenly, as the trip seemed to go longer and longer right before my eyes, I noticed firstly that Gill had made herself scarce and secondly i had a dawning realisation. Even a Super Seniors Spin N Go at the Nugget was no longer soft enough for Master's abilities

"Shall we go and find a bar sir, something like we'd find in Boston?"

"Cheers Jeeves?"

"Cheers, sir"

"Jeeves Jeeves Jeeves!"

It was 5am. The couch had never felt more comfortable,yet here was Master, bouncing around like a septuagenerian Tigger, like a grey haired and wizened bouncy castle, only with (slightly less) hot air.

"Two big jobs today Jeeves,two big jobs"

I inwardly sighed

Outwardly,i was the model of Butler comportment

"of course sir, how can i help?"

"we're off the the airport Jeeves, Gill is coming!"

and,after he had composed himself

"and Jeeves, we are off to see the new Raiders stadium. You will have to help me find it"

I wondered to myself how it would be difficult to find a huge hole in the ground with massive cranes either side, but this was Vegas after all.

After we had picked up Gill from the airport, a task than was more difficult than it should have been thanks to Master's insistence on a constant countdown

"she'll be here in ten minutes Jeeves"

"plane has landed Jeeves"

"Where is she Jeeves?"

"do you think she will have a problem at the passport desk Jeeves?"

"hope she has remembered my beetroot, Jeeves"

"two minutes Jeeves" 

On arrival we headed off to the stadium. Apparently an ideal trip for a young couple, with Butler in tow, who had not seen each other for a few weeks

It was ok though, He's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough and Gill works in Stoke all day working for her man. She brings home her pay, for love, for love

As she said to me as we stood behind an excited Master trying to take a picture of mounds of earth

"we've got to hold on to what we've got Jeeves. It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We've got each other and that's a lot for love. We'll give it a shot"

I thought to myself that in the past few weeks "giving it a shot" hadn't been working very well and there wasn't much to "hold on to what we've got" but mine was not to reason why,merely to stand and attend to the happy couples needs

Apparently i was though not to wonder if this trip was to lead to a trip to the Wedding Chapel. Of that notion I was roundly disabused with a look so withering, from him, whilst simultaneously with a look so eager, from her, that i resolved to make sure that I would not risk starting an argument again. However by the time we were waiting for dinner later (him Fried eggs, chips and sausages) and Gill was humming the tune to

"Going to the chapel and we're gonna to get married. Going to the chapel and we're gonna to get married. Gee, I really love you and we're gonna to get married.
Going to the chapel of love."

I really did wish she would just stop before Master returned from one of his frequent (and getting ever longer) sojourns to the rest-room. At least the didn't come out wearing the Lebron shirt this time

The days and early evenings had grown long and weary. I would say late evenings but we hadn't got that far too often

A run of harsh exits, no cashes and empty pages in our notebook told its own story and morale was sapped

This morning i woke early and took Master his customary cup of tea to his bedroom

To my surprise i found him already awake and sitting in front of his dressing table, upon which sat a variety of items but notably, the photograph i have attached below

Master was looking into the mirror, pursing his lips and raising his eyebrows

I wondered why, innocently

the response i got spoke to a confused state of mind

"Masterclass Jeeves, Masterclass"

I stood and waited for more as Master(class) practiced his pout

eventually

"Daniel is starting a Masterclass Jeeves, a Masterclass. He's a Master with class Jeeves. Master of more rake and class. Class. Master. He's won $39.6m in live earnings and I can't min cash a bowl PLO8 at Binions, Jeeves"

I interrupted without thinking "I know sir" to be met with a look of such disdain i feared for my immediate health andprospects

He soon resumed full stride

"Daniel looks like this Jeeves" and pointed at the photo "I am going to copy him, see if it works. Need to practice"

Some time later as Master(Class) came into the living room, eyebrows raised and lips pursed we pondered the day ahead

Starbucks, why of course

Media centre, well yes

Binions, the Rio tournaments, Nugget, Venetian, the world was Master(class)'s Oyster. Except he didn't like Oysters much

I am currently wondering why a man with $39.6m in live earnings would want to give away his secrets,and contemplating what a partial release of tension on Master (class)'s behalf might look like, but on both matters until we get so much as a single further tournament crash on this toughest of trips, i will stay silent

[BOLD CAPITALS]

"Jeeves Jeeves Jeeves, we've made day two"

"yes sir, I know. Congratulations"

This was, after all, the fourteenth time in the hour since day 1 had ended that he had proferred this information to me, the latest such in the queue for Peppermints in which I had promised Master a latte and a chat with Sapphire.

"well we must be up early Jeeves, have to recce the containers and then prepare properly"

"Sir!" I said, straight-backed.

Later in the evening, as the charms of Sapphire waned ("Jeeves she had no interest in Aqueducts. Didn't even know who Isambard Kingdom Brunel was! Can you believe that?") his last words before turning in were

"Jeeves, here is my list. Ask all these people to come to my day 2 please. There is a viewing area. Green seats. Salubrious"

I looked at the list

It was split into two

in BOLD CAPITALS

Daniel Negraneau. (n.b N/B but not his dog)
Rafi Ashkenazi (As a courtesy Jeeves)
Mark Hughes (helped fund my trip Jeeves, Stoke's old manager)

in normal text

Stuart Rutter (easypickings for some, Jeeves)
Michael O'Leary
Warren Buffett

followed by on the other side

DO NOT INVITE


The man who sells phone chargers at the Rio
All American Dave (steamed veggies and rice, yuk!)
Doug Polk (more rake IS better, Jeeves)
Sapphire
Her friends

and i set about contacting the lucky six. Messages sent, intermediaries used, social media employed. No stone let unturned to make sure Master had the support he needed for his big day

As play began the next day the picture below showed the packed bleachers.

"Jeeves come here now!"

I stepped forward and put down my notebook

"Warren? Michael? where are they? I have defended Ryanair for over a decade Jeeves. Read 42 Berkshire Hathaway annual reports cover to cover Jeeves"

Just as i was about to reply he continiued

"Where's Mark Hughes Jeeves? And Stuart Rutter? I know he is in Vegas. and...."

He began to look doleful, with eyes resembling a bassett hound...

"and Rafi and Daniel, Jeeves?" His voice muted to a whisper, he continued almost sotto voce "Not even Daniel?"

by now his bottom lip was a quiver

"only if his dog could come Master and you specifically said not his dog"

Master turned, shoulders slumped

Fifteen minutes later we were heading back to the Rio. In silence. It seemed I had let Master down and as a consequence he simply had not been "feeling it" and this had reflected in his play

As we re-entered the suite, I ventured "tomorrow's another day sir" but before my sentence was complete the door into his bedroom had shut behind him.

"Morning Jeeves"

Master bounded into the Lounge and threw open the curtains. I had a late night (what goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas) and was still at rest on the sofa, having neglected my duties that morning but it appeared not to matter

"Jeeves, I want you to go down to Walmart, get me some gear"

"Some gear sir?"

I did not like the way this going.

"Hoops Jeeves, Hoops. I want to be a Cleveland Cavalier, I'm so Cavalier Jeeves"

I paused. Was I still dreaming. I perhaps expected a discussion about a Vauxhall Cavalier, but the Cleveland Cavaliers?

"Some of those NBA boys have amazing physiques, LeBron is a stunning physical specimen, so big and powerful, yet he seems to float across the floor. Jeeves, I am going to play hoops"

"but sir, isn't Lebron a one man team?"

Master looked at me

I continued

"wouldn't it be better to be a Warrior sir? Nice bridge in the Golden State after all"

"Jeeves, go and get me a singlet, shorts,socks and a pair of Air Nike's. I am going to rip them a new one from Point guard"   

"Sir, I.."

I as interrupted just as I was about to begin

"Jeeves I know what you are going to say. I won't hear any of it. Hoops. Hoops.Hoops"

and with that he folded his arms, jutted his jaw and stood four square in front of me

I immediately made plans for Walmart, and too a subtle look at Masters health insurance. Was Septuagenarian court activity covered i wondered?

--

Some hours later I returned, laden with sporting goods to find that plans had changed

"Jeeves we are off to Venetian Expo Hall G, home of the Deepstack Extravanganza."

"Basketball, sir?"

"Jeeves I have found something infinitely more exciting. You buy in at a freight container!!!"

The excitement this seemed to engender seemed completely out of proportion with the prospect of seeing a container

"Jeeves it starts at 4pm and you will need to join the line at 3pm."

"Sir". this was more like it, adding value for Master's life by helping him avoid a queue

As for the tournament itself my notes read as follows

"After flopping the nuts, and betting all the way, Master goes all in. The Dealer announces "ace high straight" and pushes the chips to the other player. Master leaps up and knocks over another side table, spills his latte and reaches for his spectacles and does a double take. I immediately come to the rescue and declare " there is no ace high straight" and insist that the dealer chops the pot.

Meanwhile Master is absent from the table and when I ask which direction he went I am pointed towards the restroom. I go to the rest room to find Master has had a small accident and could i please rush back and get a change of clothes before the end of the blind level. I go back and grab the first thing i find. I am sad to report it took a few minutes for Master to recover his sang-froid once positioned at his seat in a Cleveland Cavaliers Kit. Soon though his ice cool demeanour was resumed.

He exited the tournament soon afterwards"

Writing now, Master is just awakening from his slumbers. Professional courtesy forbade me from taking of picture of him at rest in his kit and i trust we will be at our venue today in normal attire.

"J-J-Jump around"

I was in the living room of the suite, and heard a commotion in the bedroom

Singing continued

"J-Jump around"

I ventured to look into the room, to find Master jumping on his king size bed as a small bundle of dollar notes fluttered around him as they rose off the bed

"Oh hello Jeeves, they were in my house of pain today!"

I paused. I wasn't quite sure I would describe 19th place for $362 as a "house of pain" but I suppose the feeling was that if you are in a desert, you don't turn down the offer of a drink however warm.

"Jeeves, Here's $362. Please iron the notes individually, catalogue the serial numbers for my notebook and return them to me for use tomorrow"

I realised, once more, that mine was not to reason why and that at least it was not socks this time

I then had to attend to yesterday's minor drama and suggested the following

"Sir,would you like some ice for your leg? It must hurt after you tripped over that side table?"

"No Jeeves, No Jeeves I am high on life. Another flag on my profile. Only 245 behind Daniel now!!"

I wondered when this mood would wear off

"Perhaps sir" (I decided to strike when the iron was hot) "if you should start a new poker side but instead of it being called Fullcontactpoker you should call yours Nocontactpoker. Just to remind you to stay away from stray poker room side tables sir"

At that exact moment it was as if time stood still. It went eerily quiet, except for the sound of the air conditioning. Master looked at me.I looked at him. He tried to form a sentence. I waited for that sentence.

Eventually he spoke

"Jeeves. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should be set up that at all detracts from Daniel's site, his sterling efforts for the poker community and his unselfish countless hours to educate them on the benefits of more rake. Nothing. Oh, and you are baby-sitting Marley tomorrow"

"M-M-Marley?"

"Yes Jeeves Marley, Daniel's Beagle Pekinese"

"Beagle Pekinese?"

"A dog Jeeves"

I understood it was a dog, but I was at that moment mentally checking the small print in my non existent contract to see if it involved dogs. Apparently there didn't seem a way out of this

"Yes Jeeves, Daniel and I are going to discuss strategy over some tofu at Daniel's favourite Vegan restaurant. You will be required from 1-3pm. Walk Marley...."

"In the heat of the day sir?"

"Jeeves, walk Marley. Doesn't matter what time it is. "

I wasn't quite sure I was used to this assertiveness, but I knew my place

"Yes sir"   

"Thanks Jeeves, you are a solidier"

"A buffalo soldier sir?"

and with that, the non-dreadlocked Masta left the room, shaking his head.....

It was a restless first night on the couch in My Master's suite, before i made arrangements for a room next door the next day

A combination of jet-lag and excitement at once more being acquainted with Master's socks (to be freshly ironed every morning, as per my hastily scribbed instructions) led to only fitful sleep but I nevertheless dozed off only to be awoken at 5.45am by the sun streaming in as Master threw open the curtains

"Morning Jeeves. Up you get. These socks won't unpack themselves! The media centre awaits"

Quite where this bonhomie had come from I was not sure,perhaps after a few days of getting A-2-K-K snapped off by 4-5-6-7 in PLO8 and losing both sides would do for that,i thought

"Later Jeeves" he paused and putted out his chest "We are off...to Binions!"

I managed a smile and a nod. Internally I wondered why of all the places in Las Vegas,all the beautifully appointed hotels and lavish cardrooms that we could visit, that we were spending the day in a venue modelled off the Haven Camping Park, Great Yarmouth 1986 but at this point it was not for me to ask

It was for me to gather up the camera, incontinence pants ("Tena for men, tenner reg fee" was what i pondered might be a useful catchphrase for a poker seniors tour) and laptop charger and follow along dutifully, one pace behind and three steps to the left. Perceptible but at the same time imperceptible.

Later as we were in repose waiting for the tournament to begin I was given a fresh task

"Jeeves, Mr Amaya wants me to record every hand as i might be doing a training video with Daniel on PLO8 tournaments for the over 70s. Apparently that is a growing market in Asia, and you can charge them lots of rake too"

I took possession of a reporters notebook and biro

"So Jeeves, write down everything I do, what the community cards are, what the betting is and what the showdown is. Oh and who I am playing against"

I pondered

"sir, don't we have to ask their permission to take their names under GDPR?"

Master looked at me

"Jeeves, I have not come 8,000 miles to be worried about GDPR. There is no privacy policy on this trip"

I raised an eyebrow and forgot not to say "not even in Peppermints sir?" to be met with a withering look which suggested to me it might be a reasonable idea to change the subject

As the tournament began i warmed to the task of transcribing the action

At the first break i handed the book to Master for his perusal

He alighted on a page where i had written as follows

"Board runs out.....

 

Master has ....

  X X

Bet 400 into 600.

It goes pot-pot behind him and he very wisely lets go, both must have boats.

Well played sir"

and i had written a clap-clap emoji, just as Meghan had showed me how to do

Master sighed

He whispered, half conspiratorially, half resigned

"Jeeves, they both had the bare deuce"

and looked at the floor, bottom lip quivering

"Shall I update my notes sir?" I proferred inwardly, thinking that i must remember NOT to write "Unfortunately Master was too nitty" and instead write

"on all the available post flop action and board texture I had to assume at least one of them would have a full house. Don't be too results orientated" as that would no doubt impress Daniel N and impressing Daniel N had suddenly seemed to be a very important factor indeed in daily life.

After all, when Master's lifetime earnings are $39,543,271 behind the pint sized Canadian genius, we had to assume that Master would play second fiddle in our burgeoning media partnership..............

It had been a long time, and I wasn't sure whether I should approach my erstwhile employer to see if he needed assistance on his annual trip to Las Vegas that I assumed he would be taking.

In the end I decided not to disturb the Duchess of Sussex and her new husband and ask them for a month off. After all this was a relatively recent appointment for me and even though I was soon tiring of conversations that began

"Did you see me in series Seven of Suits, Jeeves?"

pause, an imperceptible nod from me, after all it formed a fair part of my interview research a few months ago

she continued "the one where we are afraid that Michael will be discovered so we work with Harvey Specter to distract Louis Litt?"

I almost replied "the same as every other episode then?" but discretion got the better of me. Thirty years of training had stood me in good stead. 

but then, out of nowhere I acted on impulse. I left a note to Meghan,and hoped news that I was taking a month off wouldn't mean the former Ms Markle would lose too much of her Sparkle.

So i found myself on a flight from Heathrow to Nevada, working on the assumption that my potential employer would be at the Rio, either playing or in the media room the next morning. I planned to ambush him, insist that he would need my help, and the rest could be worked out from there.

I walked into an empty media room at 5am. Looked back row far left and saw a laptop, a latte and a few other accoutrements.  Seemed my hunch was right. I sat down and waited

I heard him before I saw him round the corner.

"Yes kevmath, Daniel is wonderful, I love how he has worked on his game to keep up with the high rollers. Has now earned $39,859,456 in live tournaments you know. The Stars group is wonderful. I have thought that for a good few weeks. More rake is better you know?"

The gentleman he referred to as Kevmath was subtly backing away, with the air of someone likely to be stuck in this room for the next few weeks and Stars' newest advocate.

Then I saw him. A slim visage somewhat changed from a year ago. Even better, not a pineapple or beetroot in sight.

Then he saw me

"W-W-What are you doing here?"

"Morning Master, I was hoping that you would need assistance for your stay. I have brought you this blue cap as a gift"

Master looked non-plussed.

"W-W-Why would i need a faded blue cap, Jeeves? I am going to be inside a casino for the next six weeks. Not going to see daylight"

"Sorry sir, I hope I may nevertheless be of some assistance?"

"Possibly Jeeves, I am on a diet and need to keep on the straight and narrow you can help me with that. Got to do daily reports to someone caled Mr Amaya too. You can help with that. Got to learn something called hold em fold em too"

He shook his head. Life was probably simpler, i thought to myself, when he was playing 1p-2p PLO8 of an evening with Brits, whilst dealing with forum queries on the absence of freerolls at 3am on a Monday.

"I suppose so Jeeves"

He paused and turned to get his camera "You can start with this, i still can't take a photo in focus"

"Yes sir".

"Sir?" I proferred as he sat down taking a sip of his latte whilst fondling his packet of ryvita which seemed to come straight out of a hand luggage bag..

"I have two complimentary tickets to Peppermints tonight. A nice man gave them to me out on the sidewalk. Shall we..."

"JEEVES!" he cried....

but I knew I had a whole day to break down his resistance....

In response to various enquiries I am sorry to have to inform you that for the first time in eight years i will not be accompanying my erstwhile Master Mr Kendall to Nevada this year.

We could not reach agreement on a suitable package. I wanted extra money to cover Oregon and dispensing 17 different mediacations twice a day.

He said no.

"Priorities have changed Jeeves, priorities have changed"

I am currently in the employ of a Brexit negotiator based in Knightsbridge. To be frank, I was looking forward to a few weeks away from Messrs Juncker and Tusk,let alone Messrs Johnson, Fox and Davis (D) but it is not to be

I wish you all the best for the future

Jeeves.

"Well done sir. A magnificent result"

My master pointed at me



"Thank you Jeeves. It was a masterclass wasn't it?"

I waited for more. Every dog has its day after all, and as the sun rose as we headed to the car park i sensed that this particular poker canine was about to bark

"I thought i did extremely well to get a good deal there Jeeves, i always did have good negotiating skills. Superb result to get first place prize money for my friend too. All down to me." 

"Yes sir, i will have to add a positive return column on the spreadsheet now sir. I didn't think we'd be needing one"

He looked at me, somewhat quizzical, but we soon moved on

"Lets get back to the hotel Jeeves, you've got two blogs to write before you go to sleep. Think it is time you tackled Howard Lederer and Super Seniors events. Maybe when i am old enough i should play one, Jeeves?"

We got in the car and it was clear that Master was high on life. We rode down the strip with windows open and 50 cent's "In da Club" blaring out of the speakers.

I inserted my earplugs as My master sang along

"Go, go, go, go go, go, go, shawty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a fuck
It's not your birthday!

You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed"

when suddenly

"BANG"

This was the result

Click to see full-size image.

and this was the culprit



"Jeeves" said my master quietly "you've had an accident"

at which point a Mexican gentlteman approached my side of the car

"Hey gringo, Es un pendejo!"

i had to think quickly. Sadly my Butler education had not included Mexican slang, so i was left to guess and make the best of the situation.

I looked across to my Master for assistance but the driver's seat was empty, the car door was open and i could just see him cowering behind a free newspaper stand across the road. Some help.

"No manches!"

"No indeed sir" i replied, somewhat lost

Now in English, the Mexican told me he would get the police. Meanwhile across the road i could see my Master trying to avoid being arrested for jay-walking. Again.

The police soon arrived and asked me for my documents. I explained i wasn't the driver and they asked where the driver was. I told them that the driver was currently in Starbucks with a grand latte and a copy of Las Vegas Review Journal whilst i extricated himself from the situation i had somehow managed to put us in despite not being the driver.

They appeared unconvinced. Meanwhile the Mexican was getting irate

"Dale cabron gringo!” but i was able to think on my feet and told the police officer

"No tiene dos dedos de frente." and winked at him. This didn't go down too well either, but you have to try anything in these circumstances

I had to explain that we didn't have any documents on us, without clarifying this was because my master fretted constantly that a previous incident some years ago which had been unresolved would be held against him. Oh yes, and there was still a jay-walking incident outstanding.

Fortunately though the police appeared more interested in my new Mexican friend and he was soon sitting in the back of their car. We were told to wait for a police highway rider to come to resolve the situation

At this point my master emerged from Starbucks

"Hurry up Jeeves, you've got two blogs to write. Sky Poker, using jay walkers as analysts, are waiting for them"

Under an hour later the next set of policemen arrived.  I recognised them from somewhere, but i couldn't place it. Perhaps it was that club i had been in the other night, by mistake.



I explained to the officers that it was not my master's fault, that he was a sensitive soul and was currently in starbucks, that i had two blogs to write and could we please go? We would produce documents if required later in the day, but the blogs had to take precedence.

After some to and fro we were allowed to leave and as i did so a young laddy thrust the following into my hand

Click to see full-size image.

Meanwhile my Mexican friend was in handcuffs. Off he went, cursing all the while.

As everyone departed the scene My Master re-emerged, as if by magic

"you could have sorted that a bit quicker Jeeves, Leeds won't be happy with you"

"No sir...." I replied, keeping further thoughts to myself

 

[Jeeves, do eyebrows arch? just tried to arch my eyebrows and Gill said i looked silly]

He's asleep and very soon he heads off to California with his fiancee. I am not required in California because, get this:

"Jeeves, I need you to carry on writing my Sky Poker, yet another chip stack challenge on soon, Vegas blog. You are staying here"

So there it is, no Amtrak journeys for me, no paddling in the Pacific and frankly i feel like a bit of a spare part but on the upside a few nights off for Peppermints and the luscious delights of Lucy and Cassandra. At the same time. Bring it on.

I thought, whilst Master is at repose, that you might like to see the annotated draft of Master's last blog

My instructions were texted to me as follows

"Jeeves, next blog cover off Jesus, non runners and the Venetian. 750 words max. submit tomorrow. Off to lose my money at the Nugget."

My attempt was as follows

Master's annotated notes are in bold italic

Fortunately we were on deadline so i was able to safely ignore his remarks as he was so keep to submit it and keep his superiors at Wellington Place happy.

As he said to me before he went

"just send it, Mr Tyrell won't care. At least he's not here this year. Did absolutely nothing last year."

"Chris "Jesus" Ferguson showed up at the WSOP, which most certainly caused an arched eyebrow or two Jeeves, do eyebrows arch? just tried to arch my eyebrows and Gill said i looked silly. Chris has been AWOL jeeves do you require leave not to play poker? and under the radar since Black Friday and most thought he'd not dare show his face again. In fact, his alleged yes jeeves, got to get it past legal partner in crime, Howard Lederer, was the favourite to break cover first, as he had recently issued an apology, seen by many as clearing the way for his return.

The whole Black Friday thing did not reflect well on any of those involved bit of an understatement Jeeves, but nice corporate speak, well done, though let's not forget, there were 3 sites involved, not one well hinted. We need to move on though, and none of us know the real facts, or who did what jeeves, move up the fence a bit, i am getting splinters. There's no shortage of finger pointing and plenty of angry folks around, and maybe deservedly, it was a bad do. jeeves, do you think i belong in Downton abbey or something? a bad do? would i really say that?

What seems to be in short supply is an understanding that these things are in the past yes jeeves forgive and forget, and in my opinion, speaking personally, there's nothing to be gained by carrying on with the hate and accusations. A little forgiveness never did anyone any harm, but it seems to be in short supply right now. thats right jeeves, you never know who you might be working with next, or who might want to give you a job

Let's be done with all the bad blood, and bring these guys back into the fold jeeves really? lets keep it real I'm really not sure what harm it would do, and there's certainly nothing good to be gained by prolonging the matter. It's history, move on, next case. ever thought of a job in politics jeeves?


Non Runners

The Rio don't have chip runners this year, and that has set the tongues well and truly wagging bit of an exaggeration jeeves. also, do tongues wag, i just tried to wag my tongue and Gill said i looked silly. The red-shirted chip runners were very useful. If you were playing cash and needed a pull up, the cry "CHIPS PLEASE" was enough to ensure you never had to leave the table, you could put cash on the table and get it changed by another player, and the games flowed better. all too frequent for me jeeves, well observed

Now players have to wander across to the cage and get the chips themselves, and cash - folding money - is not permitted on the table. It's not the worst inconvenience in the world, far from it, but it is certainly a backwards step. i know i said that these poker players are mollycoddled and should get in the real world jeeves, but well done for recognising what i really meant and writing it

So what gives? The WSOP people are all singing from the same hymn sheet - this was a directive from the Nevada Gaming Commission, and if that's true, fair enough, it's best not to mess with the regulators. The alternative theory is that the WSOP suits have decided this would be a good cost-cutting exercise. ooh jeeves, controversial

I've no idea which is the real reason nice get out, do you think anyone will believe that jeeves?, it could be either I suppose, you can pay your money and take your choice. You have to go to the cage to pay the money, though.

Venetian Poker Room, the love and the loathing

Mention of the poker room at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas is generally enough to excite some extreme views. I know, for sure, Sky Poker Ambassador Neil Channing marvellous jeeves, simply a marvellous mention is a strong advocate of boycotting the room. Why? Well, in short, the majority owner of the Venetian, Sheldon Adelson, has lobbied strongly against online poker, and advocates it be banned. Which, of course, would be a bad thing yes jeeves, it would be. no more trips to vegas for you for one thing It's easy to see Neil's point that, arguably, we should not support Mr Adelson's poker room.

Let me say this, though go for it jeeves, you know i really like the latte there and the seats are so comfortable, who needs online poker anyway?. This debate will not go away any time soon, and some of us - no names mentioned thank you jeeves, i am only 68 are not getting any younger. Whilst I don't dispute the facts, and maybe Mr Adelson is a nasty little spoilsport christ jeeves, can we take that bit out?, the fact remains that playing the Sands Poker Room at Venetian might just be the best live poker experience in the world. do you think they might comp me now?

The room is just gorgeous, in every way shape and form, and you'd be hard pressed to find a better place to play live poker, or one in a grander setting.

The tables are large, they all have auto-shufflers, the seats are plush soft leather told you jeeves, well spottted, the tables include charger points for our assorted iPad toys toys jeeves toys?, there are plasmas right around the perimeter showing live sport, and the music they play is the nuts - ELO, Salt ‘N Pepa you what jeeves?, The Beatles and Robbie Williams. What's not to like?

That's it for today, more from Las Vegas, and the World Series of Poker in a day or two. just make it convincing while i am in california jeeves, nothing too controversial next time

It was reasonably early yesterday morning when my phone rang

"Jeeves?"

a lady's voice, and she appeared to be outside. Possibly running. Possibly running fast

"Yes Madam, Jeeves here"

For a fleeting moment, i pondered whether this could really be an opportunity to miss out on the employ of my master for the next month. The last week had been rather taxing after all

"Jeeves"

I could hear the pounding of footsteps from the other end of the line

"Gill here. The future Mrs Kendall"

"Hello madam, how may help?"

"I will tell you how you can help Jeeves, JUST TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME NOW"

"Pardon Madam?"

"It's all I have had for over a week Jeeves. Phone this, Vodafone that, Pack code, sim cards, shopping centres, shop assistants. Jeeves I put my phone on silent to try to escape but he gets me on skype Jeeves. I block him on Skype Jeeves and he emails. turn off my emails Jeeves and still the messages come Jeeves"

I stayed silent for a moment while she appeared to catch her breath

she continued

"Yes Tony I know you don't like being without a phone. Yes Tony i know your £10 Pay as you go credit ran out in mid phone call to Vodafone. Yes Tony I know you've told me seventeen times today"

I waited

"Then Jeeves, I went down for the weekend and do you know what i got all night Jeeves? Do you? Jeeves?"

She was getting irate

"no madam, i do not"

"Nightmares Jeeves. He wakes up every hour on the hour shouting Jeeves"

"Madam what does he shout?"

I felt i had to ask

"Welcome to Vodafone! You will now be connected with a service adviser. Your approximate wait time is 4 minute(s) and 31 seconds. . We’re looking forward to assisting you today.

thanks for your patience - your approximate wait time is 3 minute(s) and 37 seconds.

Thanks for your patience - your approximate wait time is 3 minute(s) and 37 seconds.

Thanks for your patience - your approximate wait time is 4 minute(s) and 34 seconds.

Please wait to send your question until we connect you with one of our representatives.

Please wait to send your question until we connect you with one of our representatives. "

"all night Jeeves. No Tony I don't know why the wait time goes up the more time you spend waiting. No Tony don't know why they play muzak while you wait. I just want it over Tony. Make it stop...."

Her voice trailed away in exasperation

"Jeeves, can you make it stop?"

"Well madam, i am accompanying him to Las Vegas tomorrow, so that gives you a few weeks off"

There was an audible sigh of relief from the other end of the phone.

"Yes Jeeves. It took him over a week to sort out getting a phone Jeeves, how long is it going to take him to set a date and marry me Jeeves, how long?"

That, i felt, was a question that was somewhat above my pay grade

I had to reply something so settled for a response that seemed wholly inadequate

"Perhaps when he has finished his Sky Sports, for the Poker curious, blog on Lucy Rokach, Madam?"

"Like hell" she replied and it sounded like she resumed running

"He's just got trim Jeeves, all ready for the wedding and he's going to put it all back on Jeeves isn't he? Sticky buns? danish pastries? full english breakfasts...."

The future Mrs Kendall's voice trailed away as the prospect of a life of total abstinence followed by constant binge eating and semi-permanent Vodafone customer assistance dramas dawned on her

"I just want you to do one thing for me in Vegas Jeeves, before I arrive...."

I was happy to help, but hoped it did not involve mobile phones, or park runs.

"Of course madam"

"Make sure you burst that bloody rubber ring Jeeves"

"rubber ring Madam?"

She sounded flustered again

"San Diego Jeeves, train ride down the coast Jeeves, magical setting, the beach at twilight, a wonderful day Jeeves. Memories that will live forever"

there didn't seem much wrong with this, and i wondered where it was leading

"but he wouldnt step in the Pacific without his rubber ring Jeeves. This year, if he gets his rubber ring out when we get to the beach, I am holding you personally responsible. Hide it, break it, lose it, don't pack it but whatever you do, it does not reach San Diego. Comprendre?"

I comprendred all too well, the tone in her voice suggested i had to succeed

"consider it done Madam, consider it done. See you in a few weeks"

and there was silence at the end of the line as the pavements of Staffordshire were pounded once again.....

"It's tikay, Leave a Message"

I had tried the number i had for him for several days but had always received the same mobile phone greeting

"It's tikay, Leave a Message"

"It's tikay, Leave a Message"

"It's tikay, Leave a Message"

In the end there was nothing else for it, a trip to Thames Ditton to try and establish contact with the gentleman himself to see if he wanted to avail himself of my services for his forthcoming trip to Nevada

I strode up the path that led to the front door and rang the doorbell and the hallway inside reverberated to the tune of "Hurt" by Johnny Cash.

I waited, and waited some more

Master's car was in the drive way, with its rather apt FML registration, so i thought something must be up

I peered through the net curtains and couldn't make out much. I found the side gate unlocked and walked round to the garden. There i saw piles of hedgerow, strewn across the lawn and a discarded pair of shears alongside a packed of elastoplast. Master had obviously been busy.



However no sign of Master

I looked into the kitchen, and saw a pile of wet clothes hanging out of a washing machine with a half open door. I didnt think this was a particularly appropriate way to treat Sky Poker monogrammed clothing, but i decided my priority was to find my master rather than write to Wellington place, Leeds to complain about this slovenly treatment of branded property

I was just about to give up when i heard a mournful mewling from the summer house at the bottom of the garden. I walked down towards the water's edge and looked in the hut

There unshaven sat my Master, muttering quietly and rocking himself back and forth.

"Sir it Jeeves, what is wrong sir?" I enquired, concerned for his welfare

"Bowl of rice Jeeves, Bowl of rice"

I knew the 10p PLO8 games on Sky Poker had become a tough pastime in recent months, but had no idea that masters fortunes had declined to the extent that this was all he had left.

"Its ok sir, the downswing will end soon. Vegas is just around the corner"

I tried to move the discussion, such as it was, to the reason for my visit and the prospect of two month's summer employment

"No Jeeves, look"

and from behind his back he produced a bowl of rice containing a mobile phone.

He picked up the mobile phone and, bottom lip quivering, pointed at water sloshing around behind the screen



"Twenty five years Jeeves. Twenty five years. Vodafone man and boy Jeeves. 1500 contacts. Alll...."

and his voice broke and he sobbed

"gone, Jeeves"

This was clearly a difficult predicament. After all, it was beyond reasonable consideration that anyone could extract a dry SIM Card and walk to a local high steet, purchase a phone, insert SIM card and carry on as normal.



"I have to go to a..."

he paused, as if almost unwilling to contemplate the horror he was about to utter.....

"I have to go to a..."

Again, a huge pause and a pair of doleful eyes looked up at me, seeking assistance

"You have to go to where sir?"

I prodded him along. I had forgotten that this is what it was like.

"I have to go to a Vodafone shop Jeeves"

and his head plunged into his hands

Click to see full-size image.

I thought immediately that i would regret this utterance but my instinct was to serve, as always, the needs of My Master

"Would you Jeeves? would you?"  his visage immediately brightened in the k nowledge that he wiuldnt be going through this ordeal alone

"Of course sir, Kingston high street, tomorrow morning 9.30am. Park near Bentalls and i will meet you outside?"

He nodded, gathered up his framed pictures of Tal and Hector62, and walked into the garden....

"Perhaps sir, if this goes well, i might be of assistance in Vegas from June 3rd?"

He nodded again

"Name your price Jeeves, sort this and name your price"

"That's a pack, sorry, pact, sir, thats a pact"

I also went one year when I thought they were at home & in fact they were away, marv.

We also went one year when they were away not at home sir, We.

"Jeeves, call me. Have some news"

I looked down at my cell at the perfunctory message, and I did as I was bid, to be told to leave the mad women and meet him at the Cafe Bellagio at 5pm.

a short while later i received a second message

"best bib and tucker, Jeeves. Need to make an impression"

I felt like replying that I was always in my best big and tucker, what did he think the starched shirts, tails and shined black oxfords in 45c weather was exactly? However i demurred and did as I was told and made my way past the fountains to the Bellagio where I asked for Mr Kendall

The Maitre D'omo made a puzzling remark

"Yes sir, the Kendalls are waiting for you"

I assumed it was a slip of the tongue. There was, after all, only one Kendall, and we were all grateful for that.

"JEEVES!" My master was effusive in greeting me. "Jeeves, I would like you to meet Gill"

He paused.

I proferred a hand to the lady by his side

"Jeeves Ma'am, manservant to Mr Kendall"

She looked at me with a steely glare. Clearly not a lady to be messed with and got straight to the point

"Is it you that buys him books on bridges and has him dreaming of inclined pylons? Is it? What is it with the beetroot as well? Is that your doing? Burgers, ice-creams, lattes, embassy number one and beetroot."

She paused. I wasn't quite sure where to look under the bombardment of questions. In the background a young waiter was making a sign, his thumb pressing against the top of his head as he tried to suppress a snigger

"well, I...."

I was interrupted

"and why didn't you tell him that a man of 70 shouldn't be going commando anywhere, let alone with cream linen trousers on?"

"he insisted" I half-whimpered, meekly."told me he wanted to look like Tubbs and Crockett"

"well he's certainly Tubbs after all that ice-cream Jeeves" she rejoindered

I looked at Master whose face was buried in a menu. The low fat organic page of the menu.

"Jeeves" he looked up "this is my fiancee Gill. Gill Brown"

I had a fleeting thought that I would always switch the television off when Mrs Brown came on but i could not seem to switch off this Mrs Brown and was trying to find the right form of words, instead only managing to do a passable impression of a Koi Carp at feeding time when my master saved me from possibly the wrong response

"Met a few years ago Jeeves. Matlock Jeeves. Proposed in San Diego last week Jeeves." He paused and smiled

"in the sea Jeeves. She said yes Jeeves"

Suddenly the copious amounts of seaweed and sand that had accompanied master on his return to the San Diego Hilton that night a week previously made sense  

"Congratulations sir, i take it you will no longer be needing my services on this trip sir, shall i re-contact Plinop Padpick sir?"

"no Jeeves, Gill leaves for England tomorrow. I am going to need you for my last few weeks especially once the sky poker, new and improved player rewards for players which everyone loves, people arrive and have to work Jeeves"

"Yes sir" I replied grateful that i would at least not have to listen to stories of Master Padpick hero-folding Quads in a WSOP $3k because of a tick in his opponent's right buttock cheek that he had noticed, but worried that one of said people would be Mr Channing, for whom had once spent a particularly fruitless day traipsing round the betting shops of Mayfair looking for 8/11 about a 1/2 shot because no one would expect i was a "shrewdie"

"Jeeves"

Gill was on the case again

"look after him. Better than you have been doing"

I nodded. Shit, as the young ones were fond of saying i had noticed, had just got serious