"Jeeves, how WONDERFUL to see you..."

It was 5.45am, i had still not been to bed because of "that woman" (as she had become christened since soon after arrival at McCarran) and her desire to visit every Las Vegas bar in her first 24 hours in the City, all the while accompanied. Sadie was her name, and I had finally made my excuses late in the night as her sisiter, Bridie, prepared for the Louis Vuitton shop to open next to her and her mother muttered into her glass of water "how much is your cocktail Sadie? Are you sure you want another one Sadie? make sure your money lasts Sadie"

This was the sight that greeted me at the Rio



A day away from me, and already a nice collared shirt was notable by its absence but i demurred from making a scene

Secretly, I was pleased to be away from the fairer sex and anyway I had brought Master presents

Firstly, a nice sticker that i had seen in the 7-11 on the counter

Click to see full-size image.

I stuck it on master's T-Shirt. He looked slightly uncertain, but I thought to myself that if I had been made to iron boxers every day of my employ and yet they had not been warn while stateside, the least he could do was wear my sticker to warn other tournament participants that the man next to them may be flagrante delicto with components Al Fresco.

My main present though was something of which i was very proud. No more suffering having to listen to bombastic Supermen i thought as i passed the fancy dress shop. Captain America did not seem that suitable. Nor, frankly, did Wonder Woman. Captain Britain though.....



I thought this seemed perfect.

"Sir, for your tournament later. Create a different image sir."

Master undid the package and looked askance at the outfit

I cleared my throat

"Captain Britain sir"

I produced the shield with a flourish......

"ta da...................."

Master's mouth was open, gawping once more like a goldfish. He appeared to be quite stunned at my largesse on his behalf....

"Mask sir. Gloves. Parachute. all in one latex outfit"

I paused

"perfect sir. everyone will respect your raises now. no one will call the tournament director on Captain Britain sir, will they?"

He shook his head. Put the costume down. went back to looking at his laptop quietly

at that moment my cellphone received a message

"Jeeves. Monte carlo bar now. Jaegerbombs. Sadie"

I was being called

As i went to leave i went round the other side of the table. Master was rocking gently back and forward as a folder of photographs was shown in slideshow form on the screen

Click to see full-size image.

was followed by



which was followed by



and many similar others

i could listen closely and hear him muttering to himself

"Pylons. Inclined. Aqueducts. Bridges. Dams" before repeating

"Pylons. Inclined. Aqueducts. Bridges. Dams"

"Pylons. Inclined. Aqueducts. Bridges. Dams"

"Pylons. Inclined. Aqueducts. Bridges. Dams"

I thought i would leave him to his enjoyment

"don't forget your costume sir" i called cheerily behind me as i left the room

i wasn't sure, but perhaps i saw Master shudder slightly.

"Jeeves Jeeves Jeeves come to the Venetian quick. Trebled up, might make day two"

i sent a standard response to the text request

"do we need new trousers sir?"

"no no Jeeves, i need to ask you something. something important"

I dressed and caught a cab to the front of the venetian. I resisted the urged to subtly push a gondelier into the drink as i walked past over the pont. I walked up the doric column lined corridor, in and down the escalator and turned immediate left for the card-room

Master was at a far table, and no less than three members of security were in his vicinity.

As we made eye contact, master raised an eyebrow. I asked security to move aside as i went behind the table and was met with a curt "no sir"

"why?" i enquired

"speak to the card-room manager. This..this"

i waited expectantly

"this Brit is trouble. Insubordinate"

"i just need a quick word, and he doesn't make many day twos. i slipped the security man some of Master's petty cash and he moved aside almost imperceptibly

i tapped master on the shoulder

"what IS going on sir? security?"

"Wankers"

Either master had developed a case of tourettes late in life or something had really got him very riled indeed

"Wankers Jeeves. Americans can be..."

"keep your voice down sir, we don't want to jeopardise your day two sir...."

"Jeeves i need a quick answer on something. Need you to go on secondment"

"secondment sir?"

"redsgirl, mrs red, sadie, bridie, Aunty Sue, Bella and Charmaine. Coming to vegas, staying at the nugget. Vegas virgins"

"virgins sir?"

i was met with a withering look

"i need you to look after them. shows, shopping, pampering. helping redsgirl with itineraries in triplicate to all members of the party. helping sadie with waxing underarms and keeping her away from the pai gow on the first night. mrs red needs to be escorted to the all you can eat buffets and told when to leave. Careful of Bella. Not the brightest bulb in the knife drawer, Jeeves"

"if you insist sir" even though the thought of celine dion, the caesars mall and spa treatments in the nugget made me go cold. suddenly the idea of a day two at the venetian was very appealing

Master was interrupted by another text message. he read it and relayed the gist to me

"oh and Jeeves, apparently you need to buy some ladies cycling shorts, for wearing under bikinis by the pool"

"I don't have a bikini sir" i answered, well not one i was admitting to to Master anyway

"not for you Jeeves. for the ladies."

"will my duties entail ironing Spanx sir?" suddenly a bad memory from a particularly peculiar former employ came flooding back

my question was ignored as master turned once more to A-K-J-2 single suited, which he folded with aplomb from late position

"i will send them your cell number now Jeeves. they can let you know when they are arriving at McCarran"

off i wandered. A New Day Has Come, i thought to myself, no time to think twice, thats the way it is and my heart will go on.

I was busy in the suite, vacuum cleaning the curtains with my travel vac when a text arrived from downstairs

Master had decided to perambulate the tournament floor with his camera, to take some more world class photographs

"Jeev. Buy salm shts. All cool kids hav em. Laterz dude"

I was half way through a reply that suggested that perhaps a man of 75 should not be trying to emulate the cool kids and that he didn't like alcohol anyway so what on earth was he thinking and didn't he know he would regret it when i thought better of it and simply replied

"Yes sir. I mean yes dude."

This transformation of master's life into text speak did not come naturally to me, i must say but i took to google straight away to look up "salm shts" with an eye to purchasing them for master's return

quite why my master now had a hankering for canapes i wasn't sure, let alone why all the cool kids had them, but i made a call to room service nonetheless and ordered them for that evening

another text arrived

"come down Jeev. want u to meet friendz"

Always cognisant that such networking opportunities might afford me future employment i put on my smartest uniform, rose to my full height and made my way down to the Amazon room, being careful as always not to puchase a $5,000 All american dave meal plan for the next 12 hours sustenance

i arrived in a busy room, and spotted master holding court in the distance. i walked close to them, waited for a break in the conversation and cleared my throat subtly.
Master turned

"Jeeves!" he cried effusively "come here. I want you to meet Stuart, Matt, Neil and Cos"

I looked at the rag tag bunch and the first of their number held his hand out to me

"Bopkin Hopkin. If you ever need any garden furniture custom built, Jeeves, I am your man" In his other hand he appeared to be holding a very full bag from an off-licence. He looked at me looking at the bag

"tonight's supplies Jeeves. 2 x curacao 2 x creme de menthe 6 x kopparberg and 4 x vodka. and thats just for before we go out!"

I was careful not to raise an eyebrow but inwardly was grateful for small mercies that my employer was a slightly eccentric teetotaler rather than the gentleman before me

I looked at the next man. He stuck a hand out

"Neil. Neil Giblin Jeeves, please to meet you. Jakally. Come from Belper Jeeves."

This appeared to be the most interesting thing about the man, and i moved swiftly on

"sniff sniff sniff"

the sight before me was not that becoming

An unshaven man who was not looking at all well

"Chelsea Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, chelsea, chellllllllllll" he held the first syllable of the last word

"sea sir?" i finished his chant for him  

"how did you know Jeeves?! I'm Cos. Got the flu Jeeves. No one washes their hands jeeves and i touched some chips Jeeves and now i have the novovirus Jeeves and its keeping me out of a really good open faced chinese game Jeeves and.."

I held my hand up to stop him. Already it seemed that this gentleman was rather too high maintenance for my liking and i moved on once more, wondering all the while about my master's taste in friends

The final man appeared to be Richard Fairbrass from Right said fred. In his right arm he held a dumb-bell, which he switched to his left to shake my hand

"and this Jeeves" master seemed proud "is matt"

"Hello pleased to meet you" i told him

"Strippers" he replied

"i beg your pardon?" i was taken aback

"Strip-pers" he repeated slowly, nodding slowly almost catatonically from the first syllable to the second

"well yes sir" i blustered "all in good time"

"bloody hell" said bopkin to neil "he's forgotten to take his pills again. we have to go" and with that, leading their friend gently as he muttered the one word that seemed to be in his vocabulary to every passing table

It was all deeply dippy.

"Lovely aren't they?" Master interrupted me following the progress of the four out of the room "known them for years. Gala nottingham Jeeves. the good old days"

"I have ordered the salmon for later sir"

"Coolio" responded my master

this time my eyebrow did rise a fraction, and i moved swiftly on

"see you later sir"

Back in the suite room service soon brought the salmon shots and i laid a place at the round table, alongside a slice of pineapple, two beetroots and half a tin of tomatoes.

A meal fit for a master, i thought to myself

Half an hour later the door opened and in strode my master

"Jeeves, upload this photos later and put them on my blog please. must be done before we go to mount charleston"

As i wondered who Charleston was, and did he know we were coming i heard a muffled sound from the direction of the table

"foshvbnfjhjkfwfknwklnqllkk" is an approximation

"Jeeves...." his voice trailled off as he looked at the spread before him

I decided to help

"Pineapple sir. your favourite"

he nodded

"Beetroot sir. nearly your favourite and a lovely colour, texture and taste contrast to the sweet pineapple"

he nodded more vigorously

"tinned tomaotes sir. Waitrose own brand sir. only the best for the aspiring middle class sir. red sir. thats red, yellow and purple on the same plate sir"

he nodded, the pointed at the salmon shots. his mouth opened but nothing came out



"salmon shots sir, just as you asked for in your text message"

"but..."

i remained silent waiting for the rest of the sentence

"but"

it seemed it was difficult to find the right form of words

"but"

i decided to help him out

"it was no trouble sir, happy to help. no need to thank me"

finally my master closed his mouth and sat at the table. i returned to other duties

As i did so i could not help but notice master taking several mid meal trips to the bathroom, moving sideways with his back to me on each trip. He appeared to have a salmon shot immediately on his return to the table each time, as one more was empty each time i turned to nod at master

He nodded back, a little to quickly and somewhat nervously, but all seemed to be going well

As i uploaded the photographs, one photograph struck me, but i did not know why

"Put that one up first, Jeeves"

Master had by now finished his meal and was at my shoulder

"Padpick Jeeves. Salmon Jeeves. All the cool kids have them"

and looked at me sternly

Click to see full-size image.

"Jeeves, hurry up, we need to be at the Nugget for 12.30pm. Tournament starts at 1pm"

I looked at the digital clock in Master's suite. I looked at master. Il ooked back at the clock

It was 8.37am

I put down the iron, carefully folded Master's towelling socks and asked Master if he would like to take his backpack today.

"Of course Jeeves. the black one with blue writing on the back. Must look like a touriast Jeeves so that all my opponents pigeonhole me as clueless at the table"

I just about stopped myself from telling him that no backpack was required and carefully packed him with the regular items

1. Rennies. two boxes

2. Beetroot. one jar

3. Pineapple chunks. Four. individually wrapped and placed in tupperware box

4. Reading glasses.

5. Directions to Starbucks

6. Wifi password for Starbucks

7  phone charger

8  Ipad

9  Spare trousers. Just in case things got too exciting

10 "Basketball for dummies". bookmark on the chapter about LeBron James

11 "bluff your way through conversations about baseball" bookmark on the chapter about Babe Ruth

An hour later and we were in an empty Golden Nugget card-room, entry number one into the day's tournament

"you can never be too careful Jeeves, always popular this tournament" and he settled back to reading about Mr James and Mr Ruth, no doubt intending to dazzle the septugenarians of the American midwest with his knowledge about all things American sports

The tournament began and Master was soon joined at the table in the packed cardroom by a gentleman appearing to wear a hooded pyjama top, prison issue slacks and blue beach shoes

An incongruous sight. He appeared to know my master, next to whom he sat, and i took a picture just in case we needed evidence about the eccentrically dressed gentleman later

Click to see full-size image.

As you can see i was positioned at regulation distance, three paces behind, one step to the left. Half an eye on the strange man, half an eye on the backpack. Beetroot was not easy to find in Las Vegas, after all

At the break i was introduced to the hooded gentleman

"You must be Jeeves" he said, proferring a hand in an accent unmistakably east-anglian.

"Yes sir" I replied "and you are?"

"Jeeves Jeeves this is Chompy" interjected my master. "Author, expert on eurovision, big brother, the impact of the draw on 5 furlong flat races at musselburgh and Peterborough united"

Never, i thought to myself, was one less posh likely to support the posh

"first time playing omaha high low Jeeves" said Chompy "four cards not two!"

i refrained from informing master's friend that i had won a competition just down the road in Binions last week and settled for a reply befitting my station, whilst fighting the urge to ask what on earth this man was thinking being seen in public in the top he was wearing

"really sir? four cards? sounds difficult sir"

"oh it is Jeeves" my master chipped in "i had A-A-K-2 double suited in the last level Jeeves and...."

my brain clicked into "pretend to listen, nod and wait for it to be over" mode

he continued "and i had to fold it pre-flop Jeeves because someone had entered the pot before me Jeeves"

the other gentleman chuckled "that makes you a chicken nugget, tikay" and chuckled louder

I looked at my shoes. Master stared at his friend. His friend soon stopped chuckling and just as he was about to change the subject they were called back to their table

sometime later, our fenland friend departed, inevitably not cashing. Sometime after that we had a rare treat, for which the card-room laid on a red carpet. Master was taking a trip to the cash desk, with a ticket for $450 on it. He had cashed.

Collecting the money, and reminding me to write the said return in our stakers book master reminded me that i needed to pack on our return to the suite

"San Diego tomorrow Jeeves. We are" his voice dropped to a halting whisper, his hands shook and he said "We...are...going...on..an...."

I waited until quite unexpected he repeated himself "We...are...going...on..an...."and then boomed "AMTRAK JEEVES!" and he jumped up and down squealing in paroxysms of delight waving a piece of paper in my face

when he stopped, he gave me the piece of paper

Click to see full-size image.

and inviting me to turn to the other side he said proudly

"drew it myself Jeeves" and puffed his chest out and pointed at the picture

Click to see full-size image.

and with that he nodded and strode out of the nugget, San Diego bound.

Ping Ping

It was getting rather hot behind my tikay mask at Binions

We were in level 5 of the poker tournament, and things were going well. Knocked out a few players, chip leader. Master would be so proud

Ping Ping

I decided i had better check my text messages

"Jeeves, landed late. Problems at immigration. en route to the Rio"

i opened the next one

"Meet me there asap"

i looked down at 8-9-10-3 rainbow in the small blind in an unopened pot

A perfect starting hand in PLO8.

I decided to raise. Next to me an ageing farmer from Oklahoma looked in my direction. Quite difficult to get a read off me, in a blonde wig and mask, scarf and flat cap, but he tried nevertheless

"got a hand again, son?" he drawled

it had been a long time since i had been described son

"why yes,sir" i replied

across the table a blue rinsed lady looked up from her crotcheting

"i do love your accent, sir......."

"why thank you, ma'am" i replied, taking careful note to ascertain her lodgings and contact details prior to her departure form the scene. One never knows how these trips might pan out

as i raked in the chips (he folded A-2-K-Q face up, such was the intimiadation of the mask) i turned my attention to how to reply to the text messages

i decided as follows

"winning poker tournament sir. stop. should be finished by midnight. stop. please check in. stop. i will unpack on my arrival. stop. please stop. stop"

and sent it. the habit of sending telegrams in my butler service training ran deep. Stop.

Ping Ping

it did not take long for him to reply

"I said i had trouble in immigration Jeeves. I need you"

my reply was simpler this time

"Stop"

Ping Ping

"Jeeves I am coming to Binions. not happy"

A short time later i felt a knock on my shoulder. We were on the final table, and my opponents looked rather discombobulated when the man not the mask appeared behind me.

"Just let me finish the tournament sir. Would love a latte, if you don't mind, sir?"

with just the slightest hint of a harrumph on his part, i half turned to see my master gingerly limping towards a valet, and then he gingerly limped back

"a problem sir?" enquired, as i won another pot

"problems in immigration Jeeves. I said i had $9,900 but they found another $390 Jeeves....."

i raised an eyebrow beneath the mask and waited

he cleared his throat

"full body search Jeeves. We need to get to a....."

his voice fell half an octave

"pharmacist Jeeves"

i stifled a sound

and his voice fell again

"quickly, Jeeves"

twenty minutes later, i had won the tournament and the final table players (replete with my spare masks from my butler's man bag) insisted on a photograph with myself and my master. He had the good grace to smile, despite his intense pain from both my victory and his entrance into the country

Click to see full-size image.

i took the trophy, and we exited, one grimace at a time from master, and headed somewhere exciting for our first night together in Las Vegas

Click to see full-size image.

text just sent.

Sir

As requested I am at Binions.

First in the queue for the $220 at 4pm so as to secure your entry

It is now 1.30am

Don't be late

Jeeves

The joys of modern wifi

Greetings from flight Virgin Atlantic 43

I am currently over Iceland, the advance party for the Thames Ditton raid on Nevada that starts tomorrow on this very flight when my Master embarks for his stay in Las Vegas and California

Truth to tell, i was reluctant to turn my phone back on. When i did so i had 14 - FOURTEEN - text messages from My master. to give you the first few....

"Jeeves, the Virgin flight arrived at McCarron 13.42 on Monday, 13.50 yesterday, & should land 13.39 today"

"Jeeves, The Virgin flight today landed at 13.46, and arrived at the gate at 13.52."

and then another.

"not too bad"

i replied to none, but have just received another note

"You are due to arrive today at 13.41 PDT. According to my flight algo Jeeves this will be nearer 13.52 PDT because of headwinds"

So, at the very least, on arrival i will be an expert on flight Virgin Atlantic 143 and by the time My master meets me tomorrow in the Binions poker room (where unbeknownst to him i have purchased a fair coloured wig, grown some stubble and availed myself of one of his flat caps and scarves from his ante-chamber in Thames Ditton so as to play the first two levels for him covertly) i will be able to regale him with algorhytmic tales. Its called getting my own back

So, before i return my attention once more to the charming Cassandra who is flight attending, and before i head for the Holiday Inn Express Las Vegas South for a night before queueing from 8am tomorrow outside Binions here was a quick picture i took of Master's residence on arrival for my overnight stay, replete with £50,000 in my back pocket from my unexpected return to  Budapest and back on a day trip

Click to see full-size image.

   

A modest abode and i made myself comfortable in the servant's wing on the right once i had packed for the Master's trip, cooked his fresh cod loins and tried to appear interested as we watched box sets of "Bridges and Aqueducts of Central America" on Blu-Ray. Fortunately, my master fell asleep before i did, allowing an uncontroversial exit

i have just received another message this time from my other master

"Finished day 1 of The 5k with  50,600, longggggg day Jeeves. Feel very good though, some fun hands for the blog later in the week. Had wcgrider and Martin Jacobson at the table. Day 2 tomorrowand remember to bring my £50k met. got to see john black now, you know the fella from MK who thinks he can play. Can't though."

it could, as a man between two tools, sorry stools, be a long few weeks

at this point in time the prospect of that £50k making it through night 1 at olympic gardens, Crazy horse too and the rest looks somewhat remote

"Cassandra, more champagne please......"

 

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, rinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng

"Jeeves, where are you, Jeeves.............?" the voice was high pitched, urgent and slightly panicky

"Mr Padpick, I am at Heathrow, about to get in a taxi to Thames Ditton. tikay towers awaits..."

"I need you back in Budapest Jeeves. Left my money on the bedroom window..."

"Budapest sir? I am in London"

"Yes Jeeves, am already in the taxi to the airport and i don't want to tilt the driver"

"but you are still in Budapest sir?"

"Yes Jeeves, but as i say. on the way to the airport"

"but..."

i once again was struggling for a form of words appropriate to the situation i found myself in

"but..."

no, it still wasn't coming. Finally.....

"I am in London sir"

I paused to listen to Mr Padpick stack someone in the Stars $55r in the taxi, via his mobile phone. As he did so the seminal tones of Lindisfarne's "Fog on the Tyne" came out of the mobile as the chips slid their way to my master and i heard his trademark cry, to which i had become used over months in Hungary, as he won every online tournament he entered "they're all mine all mine, chippy chips are all mine, oi!"

i carried on when he was quiet once more. my voice grew ever more plaintive.

"Budapest-London-Amsterdam-Atlanta-Des Moines-Vegas sir. You booked my itinerary sir"

"Jeeves, Budapest. collect the money, back to London. fly tomorrow as normal. See me in the Rio for the $5k Friday. Hand me the money"

"Yes, sir" and i turned round to the airline desks and prepared to compose a text message to Mr tikay

ticket purchased and i wrote

"Master, I have to return to Budapest for an emergency. will be in thames ditton this evening, not this afternoon. Please save me some pineapple chunks."

sent

and then

"DO NOT PACK"

sent in capitals to stress the importance of master not attending to his own travel requirements because they were of such a haphazard nature that i would spend days ironing on his arrival, wasting valuable spare time for peppermint-ing and gulch-ing, one of my few perks of working away

As I waited in check in a few minutes later i received a reply

"What ARE you doing, Jeeves? I am paying you from today. I am in Leeds at important meetings (they make me sit on beanbags in an open plan office Jeeves. everyone wears jeans to work Jeeves. wtf?) and i was expecting my dinner ready for me once i had negotiated the M1 and M25 on my way back. Most disappointing eeves"   

my reply was a masterclass in discretion and professional sang froid

"Mr Padpick needs help sir. Will make sure i work through the night to catch up on my octogenarian duties later"

and received no reply

At that point, the flight to Budapest was called.......

"rrrrrrrrrrrrrrring, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. rinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng"

i opened an eye and looked at the time

5.45am. On a Sunday morning

I checked caller ID

"The Master. England"

I picked up my phone, looked across the room at my current employer wearing a sportsdirect newcastle shirt lying on the floor mumbling to himself repeatedly

"John Carver best manager in the league" followed by an involuntary spasm as the words trailled off

i rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and answered "Jeeves here, at your service sir"

"Jeeves Jeeves Jeeves!"

the cadence rose as his voice became more urgent

"Jeeves my flight doesn't arrive until 2pm on Friday and for 36 of the last 39 days it has on average arrived over 93 minutes after schedule"

"right, sir. that's air travel for you sir" i replied phlegmatically "slots, headwinds"

"but Jeeves my tournament starts at 2pm"

"late registration sir? the avarage age of the contestants is 93 sir, they won't have played a hand before you arrive"

"4.15pm Jeeves. I might..."

he paused, an inflexction in his voice betraying that he was close to losing it

"i might miss (pause) the (exaggerated pause) tournament Jeeves!"

"well you are there for nearly a month sir...."

"Jeeves, its PLO8. I have an edge Jeeves. A-2-x-x and A-2-K-K only Jeeves. everyone plays too many hands. i blind down to 2 big blinds, find A-2-x-x stick it in double up and wait. Half the field dies while i am waiting Jeeves. automatic cash, starbucks on the way out of the casino, back to the rio, media centre the next morning and repeat for 30 days Jeeves"

"Yes sir" i replied, wondering where this was heading. I was of course familiar with my master's routine in Vegas

"Jeeves i need you to travel a day ahead of me and reserve me a seat in the competition. i can blind away a little while going through arrivals Jeeves. Booked you a ticket for Budapest-London-Amsterdam-Tampa-Atlanta-Des Moines-Las Vegas Jeeves"

"but..."

"its as good as direct Jeeves, see you Wednesday you can pack for me on the London layover"

"but..."

"Jeeves, buy me an extra suitcase. got some books to take to Vegas. actually get me two suitcases. one suitcase needed for Moorman's book of poker Jeeves"

"but sir, Mormons don't play poker do they? Mormons believe that returning to God requires following the example of Jesus Christ, and accepting his atonement through ordinances such as baptism. They believe that Christ's church was restored through Joseph Smith and is guided by living prophets and apostles. Not three betting a loose opener from late position and folding when you miss the flop sir"

I had, after all, watched plenty of this on my master's previous Vegas trips

"Not mormon Jeeves. Moorman"

i waited, requiring further clarification

"25 pocket fives triple crowns Jeeves. Multi-millionare essex boy, and...(pause, as if trying to find the right form of words) a friend of mine Jeeves. wrote a book Jeeves. i have to give it to someone Jeeves, mustn't lose it. needs its own suitcase"

"but what about excess baggage sir?"

"don't worry about that Jeeves, Mr Calenti is not travelling with us this time"

"yes sir"

"so Jeeves, see you Wednesday. Packing and tidying, then the thursday flight for you, straight to Binions to wait in line. should only be 24 hours or so"

"Yes sir, will be your Binions Minion"

i attempted a laugh, but was met by stony silence

Suddenly, the prospect of returning to work again for the scruffy chap from the north east muttering in his sleep about greatest managers in his lifetime seemed altogether more tempting.

To: tikayonskysportsontuesdaysatten.com

From: Jeevesisofftovegasagain.com

Subject: Las Vegas 2015

Sir

Thank you for your email which arrived as i was cooking steak (again) for my employer in Budapest. You will be glad to know he has given me leave of absence from 28th May until July to accompany you on your trip to Las Vegas and San Diego, California. It will be a relief not to have to make another voodoo doll of Mr John Carver of Ponteland for ritual disembowellling for a few weeks

I will be at your abode once more in Thames Ditton on the 27th May to pack for you

In the meantime i would be grateful if you would let me know the following

a) is your passport up to date?

b) have you booked long term car parking at Gatwick?  

c) Flights, hotels and travel itinerary ready?

d) currency ordered?

e) emergency supplies of pineapple chunks purchased from Costco?

I will be happy to help with any of these matters should they require attention.

In the meantime, please accept my feedback that I have now sent 16 texts, 14 emails and 4 twitter messages for the Sky Sports poker shows on Tuesdays, and none have been read out. I am not interested in "100 challenges" with people barely known in their own household let alone outside it and fear that your employers, expecting a man of your years to do one thing at once on air, let alone three, are a touch optimistic. Sort it out Sky.

Regards

Jeeves.

Do you require my services this year, sir, including writing your blog?

"Jeeves Jeeves Jeeves JEEVES"

I was standing in the middle of the Brasilia Room, a few paces away from my master whilst he spoke to some Sky Poker, slashed guarantees in summertime, regulars

"JJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEEEVES"

My master was screeching so loudly that the room was becoming disturbed

"Yes sir" I replied calmly

"That woman" - he pointed at a lady in a claret and blue top with a tattoo of Danny Ings' left thigh on her arm

I raised an eyebrow, I was not sure that Master should be associating with the flotsam and jetsam emanating from Lancashire cotton towns, no doubt transported here on package holidays from Manchester airport, which i have always contended would be a higher class establishment if it were renamed Cheshire (Alderley Edge and Wilmslow) Airport, but I let him continue

"That woman..."

He could barely breathe, and was stamping his feet in excitement

What could be this matter of great import

"thinks Barnstaple is near Luton"

I stood and tried to form the correct words for this stunning revelation. Years of training found the right phrase, as My master waited expectantly   

"She is mistaken sir, Barnstaple is a former river-port, civil parish and largest town of the local government district of North Devon in the county of Devon, sir. Barnstaple was formerly referred to as "Barum", from a contraction of the Latin form of the name (ad Barnastapolitum) in Latin documents such as the episcopal registers of the Diocese of Exeter. Barum was mentioned by Shakespeare, and the name was revived and popularised in Victorian times, when it featured in several contemporary novels. The name Barum is retained in the names of a football team, brewery, and of several local businesses. The former Brannam Pottery works which was sited in Litchdon Street was known for its trademark "Barum" etched on the base of its products."

My Master's mouth was agape, like a seniors goldfish who had not cashed in many poker tournaments recently

I left him hanging, so to speak, and went and introduced myself to the lady

"Burnley lady, my name is Jeeves, manservant to Sky Poker's, where are my priority points, third best analyst (BRMB Audience market research October 2013)"

"ey up" she replied with a burp.

"My master informs me that you are under the impression that Barnstaple is near Luton"

"aye" she nodded "I'm from Burnley me"

"Barnstaple is a former river-port, civil parish and largest town of the local government district of North Devon in the county of Devon, sir. Barnstaple was formerly referred to as "Barum", from a contraction of the Latin form of the name (ad Barnastapolitum) in Latin documents such as the episcopal registers of the Diocese of Exeter. Barum was mentioned by Shakespeare, and the name was revived and popularised in Victorian times, when it featured in several contemporary novels. The name Barum is retained in the names of a football team, brewery, and of several local businesses. The former Brannam Pottery works which was sited in Litchdon Street was known for its trademark "Barum" etched on the base of its products"

This time it was the lady's turn to be non-plussed, and her mouth opened and in a very rare ten seconds that followed she neither spoke, or spent a lot of her husband's money.

I looked round to catch sight of My Master

"Bruno BRUNO BRUUUUUUUUUUUNO"

He was pestering a French gentleman who had come in fancy dress as Dougall from the Magic Roundabout

"that woman "thinks Barnstaple is near Luton" and he pointed towards us

Master looked like he was struggling, so I strode to the rescue and spoke to Mr Magic Roundabout

"Bonsoir monsieur Barnstaple est un ancien port fluvial-, la paroisse civile et la plus grande ville de la district non-métropolitain du North Devon, dans le comté de Devon, Monsieur le Président. Barnstaple était anciennement dénommée.."

Just as I was hitting full stride I sensed a presence behind me, where two security guards stood. Two more were already frog-marching my master from the room. The Burnley lady was proving less malleable and a torrent of abuse rorared from her mouth

"I am a corporate lawyer" being the worst of it

I spoke to the security guards

"guys, if you ask me to leave now I will have to go back to Master's suite and listen to hours and hours of how he's got no game, how he's always the shortstack, what happened when he had short trousers at the age of 13 and if i can't change the subject I will even get the golf club captain stories, including...."

I paused for effect, looked them in the eye

"including what happened in the bunker...."

"how about when you get off shift i treat you to a few beers and some company at Peppermints, and we can forget about this"

They smiled and nodded, and we all turned round to see a very relieved man from Burnley, free for a few hours at least, as his good lady was carried out fo the room screaming

"I KNOW SEAN DYCHE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? I ONCE GOT SAM VOKES'S AUTOGRAPH ON MY FOREHEAD. I'M A CORPORATE LAWYER" to no discernible effect. 

 

"rrrrrrrrrriing riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing"

I was awoken from my slumbers by the phone in the suite

"Hello, Jeeves here. Master's residence"

"Jeeves its reception. There is a lift malfunction and a Mr Kendall is stuck. He would like to speak to you"

My spirit sapped, and I walked down the stairs, 32 floors, not wanting to risk one of the other lifts, to go to reception

I was let into the small security office behind where I saw several guards huddled round a speaker, and looking at cctv of the inside of the lift

I surveyed the scene the camera was showing

11 people. My master and a family with a child included. Only one of the occupants of the lift was agitated

My spirit sapped further

the plaintive sound of My Master's voice came across the speaker

"Jeeves are you there yet, Jeeves?"

I put on my soothing voice

"Yes sir, its all going to be ok sir"

The torrent that followed shocked the other lift occupants, but i let it reach its natural conclusion

"Jeeves this is a disgrace. this is not what Elisha Grave Otis had in mind in 1853, they even call them vertical transport systems now Jeeves. I used to install automatic doors for supermarkets Jeeves. Entrance Solution Jeeves. 11 people in this lift Jeeves and 10 of them made an exaggerated step over the small gap from foyer to lift Jeeves. Can you believe it Jeeves? I tried to talk to this man Jeeves.."

he pointed at a portly man next to him

"and he looked at the floor Jeeves. no eye contact Jeeves.and this child Jeeves"

he pointed at the six year old braced against the far wall

"pressed every button. 41 of them Jeeves. EVERY BUTTON! and he has caused us to break down and now I am stuck Jeeves and I don't want it to end like this..."

his voice trailed off and he began to quiver his bottom lip

Most of the other ten occupants of the lift looked as if they would quite like it to end here, and mercifully quickly

"sir, would you like me to sing you the song that calms you down?"

My Master looked up at the CCTV camera and nodded almost imperciptibly

I looked at the security personnel, raised an eyebrow and shrugged my shoulders at them

cleared my throat, and sang

"Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, little ball of fur. Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, purr, purr, purr”.  

this seemed to calm my Master down, so I repeated it, this time the original version that for us masqueraded as a second verse during episodes of extreme stress

"Warm Kitty, Soft Kitty, little ball of fur. Sleepy Kitty, Happy Kitty, purr, purr, purr".

"clever boy, clever boy" he muttered to himself, transporting himself to times past, where the embarrassing Otis Redding of his cheeks was not the current reality

Soon the lift was repaired, and he found himself back in his suite, hugging his Isambard Kingdom Brunel cabbage patch doll. All was right with the world at last.

 

I was woken up by the sound of loud banging on the bars of my penitentiary cell

"Jeeves, visitor"

Unshaven, dishevelled and disorientated, and that was just likely to be my visitor, I rose from my bed and made my way, handcuffed and manacled to the visitor's suite accompanied by two screws

I was sat in front of a piece of perspex, and beside and old phone and I waited

The door opened and to my surprise, it was not my Master, but a man with enormous sideburns, a big cigar, a cowboy hat and enormous cowboy boots

"Howdee Jeeves, I'm the bail bondsman. I am instructed to read you a letter from your employer. May i proceed?"

I was a trifle disappointed that said employer could not make it out to the prison but nodded nonetheless

The bondsman stood, cleared his throat and spoke in a deep southern drawl

"Jeeves, am on the final of a tournament at the Golden Nugget. Down to last boxers, no clean socks, ipad needs charging, spreadsheet is a mess, blogs behind, lady at Bluff Europe on my case for April article"

the bondsman had not drawn breath yet. He continued

"have posted your bail which i will deduct from your pay until the matter is resolved. what possessed you to take us to so near a high security prison anyway"

I bristled, inwardly

"go with the man, come to the Nugget with my special case"

It had been a while since i had seen Master's special case, brought out only when a trip to the cashiers cage was certain, to transport cash back to the hotel safe, and thence back under the bed in Thames Ditton

I signed the form, and was processed for bail and accompanied the bondsman back to the downtown area of Vegas detouring only to pick up the case 

At the Nugget, My Master met us, nodded at me perfunctorily, signed the bondsman's form and I was, temporarily possibly, a free man once more

"Jeeves" My Master whispered conspiratorailly "have you got it?"

I had risked getting plenty of things in prison, i thought to myself but ever professional, i replied

"Yes sir, as requested sir" and from behind my back produced the case

Master squealed.

"Jeeves, I have $1904 locked up, just about to do a deal. Prepare the case"

I did as required, asking the cardroom manager if he would turn off the music over the PA to aid my concentration

I unzipped the top, opened compartment three (middle, left, hidden), made sure it was facing my master and watched as he deposited the dollar bills in, before zipping it up with aplomb

"Jeeves, walk with me"

and he strode out of the Nugget, down Fremont street, pulling his case behind him

I as ever, three paces behind and one pace to the side, patrolling the scene for my eyes aware to avert any impending danger

It would have been remisss of me not to record the occasion for posterity, such is the rarity of the case beign pressed into use, and such was the amused reaction of many passers by

So here he is. Master and case, and $1904, successfully being transported back to the Rio

Click to see full-size image.

I have yet to discuss my legal defence to "loitering with intent" with My Master, I will let him savour his all too rare success for a night before raising the subject

High Desert State Prison, Sunday


It started like any other day. Up early, preparing Master's breakfast, laying out his clothes and doing deals with security staff to ensure he could get into the media centre at 4.30am to "work"

Except upon waking, I soon realised this was to be different

"Morning Jeeves, Road trip"

Despite an inner sense of dread, i was professional as ever

"Yes sir, shall I prepare a picnic and buy some China and cutlery sir? White tablecloth?"

"No need Jeeves. Hre us a cheap discreet car and we will head into the mountains, do some sight-seeing. A day off Poker. A day off Sky Poker, seems to be doing fine without me, analysis by people who can really fill five hours talking nonsense, look and learn Adrian Chiles, Jeeves"

I felt like asking Master if he could punctuate his sentences verbally, such was the torrent of excitement his words seemed to evoke in him

I set to work, asking the concierge downstairs to hire us a Ford Anglia, Austin Allegro or Sunbeam Alpine (or equivalent, the concierge insisted) for 9am and then buying supplies for the day

- travel blanket. Quite tough to find in Las Vegas in summer
- Factor 200 sun-cream
- Pop up sunglasses
- Beetroot smoothies
- shotgun. just in case

We set off for the front of the hotel on time, and on arrival outside searched for our car. Nothing looked like it was booked for us.

"where's my Morris 1100 Jeeves?"

His bottom lip began to jut out

"not that easy in Vegas sir" and as the Enterprise rent-a-car lady bounded up to us i realised that she had delivered the next best thing

Discreet, and gleaming



After securing the lady's number for future endeavours we departed, hood down the wind whistling in my Master's hair as we drove out of Vegas on I-15 headed for Mount Charleston.

On arrival, and after less than 5 minutes of looking around, Master decided he had had enough

"Drones, Jeeves"

"Yes I know sir, you do" I replied without thinking, a rare lapse in my professionalism

I didn't look across at my master, but could feel his eyes buring into the side of my head

"Creech US Air Force Base, Jeeves. Drones"

"Quite sir" I replied hiding the boredom that I was already beginning to feel "how exciting"

Half an hour later were outside the base

"Top secret military installation" read the sign, which Master took a photograph of, close up

Soon after, whirring through the air came the drones, and Master snapped each one, jumping up and down excitedly as he wrote notes in his small notebook.

"Jeeves Jeeves JEEVES" he shouted as I reclined in the front seat, feigning interest

"It's a Lockheed Martin RQ-170 Sentinel Jeeves. JEEVES"

I shouted back "Sentinel sir, RQ sir, Marvellous sir"

at that moment a jeep pulled up, and a man exited

Click to see full-size image.

I was asked for my name, my abode and what we were doing here. My master bounded towards us, and before I could warn him blurted out

"We're photographing every drone and we're from England. He's Jeeves, I'm tikay and I was voted Sky Poker's third favourite analyst in the BRMB Octover 2013 survey"

He nodded, proudly.

"This is classified territory gentlemen, said the uniformed man, you are going to have to come with us"

at that point My master appeared to panic. He ran round the front of the car, jumped in the drivers seat, started the car and shouted back to me as he drove off

"I'm too old for prison Jeeves, I'll write!!"

I was handcuffed, bundled into the back of the jeep and twenty minutes later found myself being processed



at



Frankly, I felt Ihad been let down somewhat.

When this note arrived in Master's handwriting a few hours later, my ire rose somewhat further



Though writing it on the postcard of the prison was a nice touch.

I am not quite sure yet what Master's plans are to extricate me from this situation.



If you see him touring the Rio card-room trying to wake up Seniors mid-hand, tell him to spare me a thought