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A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

   The class suck-up, gets up straight away and says, "Last year I
   got the flu, and my mum said it was very contagious."

   "Well done" says the teacher. "Can anyone else think of a sentence?"

   Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, stands up and says,"My
  grandma says there's a nasty bug going around and it's contagious."

   "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

   Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says proudly," Our next door
   neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will  take the contagious!"

 :D

There was a cracker on the Radio up here a few years back. This (not very funny) gets kids to call his show & tell jokes.

He got a call from a kid who had one for him.

Kid: Name a vegetable that makes you cry.

DJ: An onion.

Kid: No, it's a turnip.

DJ: A turnip disnae make you cry!

Kid: You ever been hit in the baws wi a turnip?

All that was heard for over a minute was the DJ crying with laughter....

lol

 :redcard:

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Two goldfish in a tank.

One says to the other:-

"How the hell do you drive this thing?"

A teacher asks her class tell a story. The story has to have a moral to it.

Little Katy puts her hand up and says, while at nanny’s farm we went to the chicken coop and picked up all the eggs, I carried half and nanny carried the other half.

Very good said the teacher, and what’s the moral to the story
 Katy says never carry all your eggs in one basket. 

Little Johnny puts his hand up but the teacher really didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but since no one else had their hand up she had no choice, go ahead Johnny she said.

Johnny stands up and say, when my granddad was in the war he was all alone laying in his trench when he heard the voice of 3 Germans nearby, he went to load his gun but only had one bullet left, he grabbed his bottle of gin and drank it all down, jumped out the trench, shot the first one, smashed the empty bottle over the other ones head and then stuck the smashed bottle in the others face.

Very nice said the teacher, and what’s the moral then Johnny.

Well that’s easy miss, don’t f**k with me granddad when he's had a drink

 :D Bundle  :D

The teacher was doing sex education & dreading it with Wee Johnny in the class.

She explains the reproductive process & asks for examples.

Little Katy says "I saw a dog on top of another dog Miss, was that sex?"

"Yes Katy, well done".

Young Thomas says "We went a drive to the counrty Miss, and I saw a bull on a cow, was that sex?"

"Yes Thomas, good example"

Wee Johnny pipes up "I saw a John Wayne film last night Miss, and there were 4 indians on top of John Wayne, was that sex?"

"Of course not Johnny!!"

"Thought that, it'd take more than 4 indians to f**k John Wayne".

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

LOL...it had to be Andy Cameron on a sunday

Three men at work telling each other how dumb there wifes are

man A, my wife so supid shes just bought a car and can't even drive.

man B, my wife so supid shes just bought a swimming pool and can't even swim

man C, thats nothing my wifes so stupid shes bought 50 condoms for her holiday to spain and not even got a
           cock

cheeseburger walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of lager.

"sorry mate, we dont serve food".

A car battery walks into a bar and the barman says 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything!'

and I thought I told bad jokes  :D

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to My puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she Had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her

Since when exactly have men thought with their heads?


That is deffo a misread!

 ;goodvevil;

i think with my head I'll have you know....

i think till it swells and turns purple  :D

Upon  hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along!"

The cardiologists funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At the funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed
again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why
are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"I'm a gynaecologist"...

.................... STALLYON! :o

Oh. My. God! You have no shame!

true but at least you have something to hang your towel from