blonde poker forum

Would anyone like to hear his advice on crapshoots?

 :o

the link is here by the way

http://www.blondepoker.com/advanced/006019.html

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo. Please please  please. No.

Its funny you should say that, I'm not connected to the main sewer, all my toilet waste goes into a septic tank.

It works like this, a large fibreglass container, shaped like a decanter and capable of holding 2000 gallons or so is buried beneath the ground and all toilet waste, liquid and solid, is piped into it. The solids sink to the bottom, and the liquid runs off through underground filters, this system works without maintenance until after about two years, the solid waste reaches the top of the tank, you know when this has occurred because suddenly, things start to get very smelly, I found myself in this situation last week

The remedy is simple, just pick up the phone and call Peggy Shitter, AKA Lang Wet Waste. I dont know who christened him Peggy Shitter, but that was the name given to me to me by a friend who scribbled a telephone number on a scrap of paper, the first time I called him I said to the lady who answered the phone, "Hello, is Mr Shitter there?"

By now we were old hands at tank emptying, this would be out third visit from Albert, as we now know him, (although he does answer to Peggy) and we waited patiently, noses wrinkled, for the sound of his tanker coming down the lane, bang on time as always, he arrived

Peggys vehicle is built on the same lines as a milk or petrol tanker, but there the similarity ends, the huge tank is festooned with valves and pipes, I think it was blue once, but any remaining paintwork is now invisible under many years worth of indescribable filth.

Albert himself is also covered in many years worth of filth, he must be immune to every disease known to man, Mrs Red makes him a cup of tea (she always smashes the cup afterwards) and he sits on the step, opens his sandwiches, and eats them with unwashed hands that are covered with brown stains, although he does stop to shake off the odd bit of used toilet paper

Breakfast over, he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, passes the cup back to Mrs Red, (who holds it at arms length like an unexploded bomb) walks over to the septic tank and lifts the lid. I dont know why, but all the family, including me, have a morbid fascination with the contents of that tank, and my daughters, Mrs Red and I all stood around in a semi circle, craning our necks and trying to look inside, at once both mesmerised and horrified. Meanwhile Peggy strolls back to his truck and begins to unroll a long flexible hose, like a firemans hose but thicker and semi rigid, connects one end to a big valve on his truck and then works the other end deep into the shyou know what, then he starts his engine, opens the valve, and the hose starts to empty the tank like a kid with a straw emptys chocolate milk shake

All was going according to plan, and as we cast furtive glances into the tank, Peggy regaled us with tales of days gone by, when this job was done by brave men who actually climbed into the tank and shovelled the stuff out, night soil they called it, and it was transported by horse and cart to local fields where it was spread on the crops

Suddenly Peggys history lesson was interrupted when the note of the engine changed, and the hose started to squirm about like a constipated snake, "Blockage" cried Peggy, and he quickly turned the big valve to the off position. "What now?" I asked, intrigued by this new turn of events, "Ill soon sort it" Peggy replied, and with that he pulled the hose from the heaving brown mass and holding it about an inch from his face, peered into it. "Cant see anything" he told me, "Ill have to get my rootler" His rootler turned out to be a long stainless steel rod with a sort of corkscrew attachment on one end, and he pushed it carefully into the hose, probing gently. About four feet in, the rootler came into contact with something solid, "Aha!" exclaimed Peggy, "there it is" Peggy spent the next twenty minutes poking, teasing, ramming and swearing at the blockage, but it wouldnt budge. "Right!" he cried, flinging the end of the hose back in to the tank and squaring his scrawny shoulders, "We'll blow the bugger out" He moved a lever on the back of the truck, and when he opened the valve again, it was set to blow instead of suck.

With hindsight, this was the point in the proceedings when the family McCready should have left Mr Shitter to do his job in peace, but it was far to interesting for that and, hands holding noses and eyes narrowed to slits, we shuffled ever closed to the action. The hose had now become a live thing, it rumbled and hissed and as the pressure inside it built up it writhed and arched its back as though in great pain. "Hmm" mused Peggy, thoughtfully stroking his chin with his germ-laden fingers, "This is a toughie, Ill just rev her up a bit" With that, he went back to the truck and opened the throttle.

What happened next will be imprinted in my mind in glorious, frame-by-frame, graphic Technicolor detail forever. The hose seemed to swell to twice its size and instead of lying on the ground, it rose up in a series of arches like the Loch Ness monster, then, with a bang like a cannon going off, the blockage came free and shot out into the septic tank with the force of a small meteorite, followed by about 90,000 pounds of evil smelling compressed air. As you can imagine, the resulting splash back was spectacular, I wasnt around when Vesuvius blew her top, but I now have a good idea what it looked like. Everyone was liberally coated with two years worth of night soil and soggy bog paper, we looked like we had been tarred and feathered

Mrs Red was the first to laugh, but soon we were all rolling about on the floor, even Peggy Shitter had to smile. The cause of the blockage turned out to be a cricket ball, how that got in there we will never know, Ive eaten some strange things in my time, but I draw the line at sports equipment

So that was the biggest crapshoot Im ever likely to see, and my advice is,
RUN AWAY!!

Red, tears are streaming down my face. That is THE funniest thing I have ever read, & I will never forget it.

The Post of the Year Comp is cancelled. This would win it by a distance.

Awesome, absolutely side splittingly awesome !!!   

Memo to self, don't sit down to read blondepoker whilst eating breakfast.

Hilarious. I laughed so much that tears ran down my legs. Good start to the day, thanks.

Fantastic bit of writing Tom, thanks very much for taking the time to share your ' shit ' stories if you know what I mean.

Great story Red-dog.

When's that book coming out ?

 ;D ;D ;D

It's the cricket ball that worries mne. How DID it get there? I mean, the whole journey, as it were, from start to finish. Does Red-Dog eat apples whole, I mused?

Red-Dog, you are a legend.

If there was a visionary publisher on this site I'm sure a best seller could be produced from Yongster's diary interspersed with Red-Dog's unique views.  What a mix!  Anyone think of a suitable title? :D

Gr8 post RED.

Now that IS mush Tikay.  ;)

This link dosnt work anymore, my 15 minutes of fame was cut short

Blonde, you owe me 4 more minutes!!  :D

first time i read that, brilliant (i liked the cup smashing bit) but what WAS the link to??

Who on earth sanctioned Tom a full 15 minutes in the first place!? :o

Jammer out.

The link was to my 'advice' on shootouts'

It has been resurrected

bump!
for the sake of hilarity!

bump...just incase someone hadn't read it yet./..top stuff.

Absolutely classic!

Cheers Boldie - hadn't read it before.  Absolute genius.   ;yippee;

 ;shitfanhit; Hilarious!

CLASS

God bless you red dog but your story telling is a class act

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!  LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Decided to spend a quiet afternoon catching up in the 'Best of Blonde'.  Well, truth be told, I was actually following up on my promise to catch up on the 'Best of Red' section.  The photo you posted earlier today reminded me of 'the promise'.  Been at it for nearly two hours now and truly delighted to have finally taken the time. 

I know this is an old thread, but it had me in fits.   rotflmfao ;tightend; rotflmfao ;tightend;

 ;thankyou;

Hadn't read this before. Absolutely hilarious! Top thread.

first time I've seen this one too - glad I wasn't eating!

what a fantastic writer you are Red.

Funny as f___, nice one Tom.

After reading Tom's Peggy Shitter story it reminded me of this:

Graham who is a friend of mine was working in Nottingham and had a couple of hours to kill before doing his next job so he decided to visit a friend of his who is a screen printer. When he arrived at his friends house he noticed that his normally heavily stickered van was no where to be seen and instead a plain white van was in the driveway, thinking that his friend may be out he got out of his car and knocked on the front door.

To Graham's delight, Derek the screen printer answered the door and invited him in for a drink, before the kettle had finished boiling Graham started to enquire about the plain white van in the driveway, it turned out Derek and his van had been involved in a rather bizarre accident and the replacement was a hired van. This is how Derek retold the details of the accident:

I was driving along the A52 very early last Tuesday morning with virtually no other cars on the road, I glanced into my rear view mirror and saw a mini coming up behind me very quickly indeed, with only a few feet to spare the mini pulled out, overtook me and sped off to about 400 or 500 yards in front. At this stage I didn't think too much about what had just happened but then I saw the mini suddenly brake and slow to a crawl, as I approached I pulled out and overtook him but within a minute or so the mini was fast approaching from behind me again. This time the mini was weaving all over the road quite badly and only just missed the rear end of my van before pulling out and overtaking me again, the near miss alerted me to slow down to about 25 mph as the mini danced from one side of the road to the other now several hundred yards in front of me again.

After this second near miss Derek described how he was now pretty miffed at the mini driver, as he continued his journey he had just about recomposed himself when he caught sight of the same mini again. The mini had pulled over and stopped at the side of the road, as Derek approached him cautiously from behind he gave him a wide berth and slowly overtook him giving the mini driver the five knuckle shuffle hand gesture as he passed. Unbelievably though within a minute of passing the mini Derek described how the mini was right behind him again, however this time as the mini tried to pass him he clipped the rear of Derek's van, this then sent the mini into a spin and ended up crashing into the side of his van before ending up wrapping it around the railings that divided the dual carriage way.

Derek pulled over and rushed to the car to make sure the driver was ok, when he opened the mini’s door the driver, who looked about 90+ years old, was shook up and slightly dazed but not badly hurt, in the rear of the mini however was a much younger looking man with blood all over him with some very nasty looking wounds to his head, body and especially his legs, there was also a lot of mangled up metal laid across him. Derek immediately went back to his van to call 999, and within a few minutes the police and ambulance had arrived, once the passenger in the rear of the mini had been carted off to hospital the police questioned Derek, in his van, about the accident before questioning the mini driver.

Several minutes later the policeman returned from questioning the mini driver, with what looked like tears in his eyes, Derek feared the worse and thought that the passenger may have died. Fortunately this was not the case and the policeman had in fact returned to Derek's van with tears from laughter rolling down his cheeks. It turned out the mini driver was indeed 94 years old and when the police officer had asked him for his driving licence the driver replied that he had been driving for more than 60 years and had never needed nor been asked for a driving licence before so he had never bothered to get one. Derek then asked about the passenger in the rear of the mini, the policeman replied that just prior to Derek seeing the mini for the first time the 94 year old driver had just ran into his passenger who was on a bicycle on his way to work the old guy was taking the cyclist to hospital when he was involved in this accident with Derek. Apparently all of the cyclist's injuries were sustained when the mini driver ran over him and the old guy had even collected his mangled bike and popped it in the back of the mini with him to take to the hospital.

Funny but 100% true, you couldn't make this stuff up could you?

LOL..  Dont tell me there are books in there as well as a cricket ball..  They are never gonna go up the pipe..!!!  LOL...

Bump, just Red's story is so funny