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How to Hunt Elephants appears to be an excerpt from an article titled
"Pachydermic Personnel Prediction" by Peter Olsen in the September 1989
edition of BYTE.




How to Hunt Elephants

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing
out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.  Professors of mathematics prove the
existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of
an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate
students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1.  Go to Africa
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
    continent alternately East and West.
4.  During each traverse
        a.  Catch each animal seen
        b.  Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
        c.  Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at  random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and
call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by
the hour to advise those who do.

Operations research consultants can measure the correlation
of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant
hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software
lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his
staff will try to ensure that  all elephants are completely
prehunted before he sees them.  If the VP sees a
nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the
vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to
prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look
for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing
the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time
selling elephants they haven't  caught, for delivery two
days before the season opens.  Software salespeople ship the
first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an
elephant.  Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them
gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

 :D

It was the desktop elephants that got me.

Fkin quality

Never a truer phrase written.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, how he got in there I'll never know!

Q-How do you know there's an elephant in your bed.
A-He's got a big E on his pyjamas pocket

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Q: How do you tell if elephants have been making love on your lawn?



A: Your grass is flat, and your bin-liners are missing.

too funny...
what a way to start a day.


so I found a continuation to the elephant book  theme:


The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 90s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"

And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

Q. How do you get 4 elephants into a mini?
A 2 in the front and 2 in the back

The height of ambition:

An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

The Elephant 'tis a pretty bird,
It flits from bough to bough.
It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree,
and whistles like a cow.

Poker players only hunt elephants when the odds suggest a sucessful hunt, although there are some poker players for whom implied odds will sometimes justify a hunt, even though the chance of success is low.

Next thing you know, some jocks will jump on an elephants back and start playing Polo !!!

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
Suddenly the penis came back, took another bread roll and just as quickly disappeared.
The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my arse can take another bread roll."