blonde poker forum

>A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a
> >remote bar in the hills of Nevada.
> >
> >>
> >>    He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian
> >>    sitting in the corner.
> >>
> >>
> >>    He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who's he?" said the foreigner.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "That's the Memory Man."
> >>
> >>
> >>    said the bartender.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him
> >>    out."
> >>
> >>
> >>    So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won't know about
> >>    English football, asks
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Liverpool," replies the Memory Man.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who did they beat?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Leeds," was the reply.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "And the score?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "2-1."
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who scored the winning goal?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Ian St. John," was the old man's reply.
> >>
> >>
> >>    The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back
> >>    home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later
>
> >>    he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive
> >>    Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
> >>    same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and
> >>    more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner
> >>    decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
> >>
> >>
> >>    He approached him with the greeting
> >>
> >>
> >>    "How".#











> >>
> >>
> >>    The Memory man replied,
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Diving header in the six yard box."

brilliant LOL

LMAO superb

2 Blondes walk into a bar


You'd have thought one of them would have seen it...

A woman visited the home of her recently married son. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter in law lying on the couch, completely starkers. Soft music was playing and the aroma of sweet perfume filLed the room.

"What are you doing?" the mother asked

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the duaghter in law answered

" But you're naked!" the mother cried

"This is my love dress" said the daughter in law

"Love dress? you're naked you silly bint"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He just can't get enough"

The mother in law made her excuses and left. Whe she got home she showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, awaiting the arrival of her husband.

Finally he arrived, walked in and saw her lying there provocatively

"What are you doing?" he asked

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually

"Needs ironing" he said "what's for dinner?"

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real! It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a standstill beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he  starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a  hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve. Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town. Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar and asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other.














"Look Mick, that's the feckin eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

A Chimp walks into a pub at lunch time and orders a ploughmans and a pint.
   "wow, a talking chimp" says the barman, "That's incredible."
   "you better get used to it."says the chimp, "I'm working on the building site down the road and I'm gonna be coming in for my lunch most days."
The chimp eats his ploughmans, drinks his pint and heads off to work.

Later that day a guy comes into the pub and asks if he can leave some posters and fliers for the circus that's just pulled into town.
    "Sure,"says the barman.
    "Actually," he adds,"there was a chimp in here earlier. he could talk and everything. Maybe you'd be interested in him for the circus. He said he'd be back in every day for his lunch."
    "Damn right, heres my card. when he comes in next, tell him to give me a call."

Next day the chimp come in for his lunch and orders another ploughmans and a pint.
    "A guy from the circus was in yesterday after you left. I told him all about you and he gave me his card, told me to ask you to call him."
    "Circus you say?" Said the Chimp."wonder what the circus needs a plasterer for."

A cowboy walks into a saloon in the old wild west and asks the barman for a whiskey, he takes the whiskey, knocks it back in one go, draws his gun and shoots the left ear off the piano player.
The barman says "if i were you i'd file the sights off the front of your gun"
Cowboy shrugs, gets a file and removes the sights from his gun, then orders another whiskey, knocks it back in one go, draws his gun and shoots the right ear off the piano player.
The barman says "what you should do is remove the grips from the handle of your gun"
Cowboy shrugs, gets a skrewdriver and removes the grips off his gun, then orders another whiskey, knocks it back in one go, draws his gun and shoots the nose off the piano player.
The barman says "if i were you i'd get a big lump of grease and cover your entire gun with it"
The cowboy says "hang on, why do you keep telling me to do this stuff?"
The barman says "well, when billy the kid finishes playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse!"

Talking monkeys i can believe but talking chimps?!?!? Pleeeeaaaassee!!

One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfes the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......

OK, Matt, that is simply the funniest joke I have ever read.
Seriously.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

thanks!!!

when it was told to me it was a duck  :-\

cheers - you ever want a proper laugh, come watch me play poker!!!!!  :D :D :D

hmmm, still more plausable than a chimp - but then i'm bound to say that about my dumb cousins!!  :)

what did the mouse say when it took a viagra?











Where's that f'ing p u ssy now then

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his       
deplorable infidelity.  Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off                                                                 
the man's pecker.  Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window
of the car.                                                         
                                                                     
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10     
year old daughter chatting away beside him.  All of the sudden, the 
pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then
flies off.                                                           
                                                                     
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was 
that?"                                                               
                                                                     
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a     
tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."         
                                                                     
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a         
  minute she says, "Sure had a big dick!"

                   -(-(--_                                             
                  / ( (    \       DO-RE-MI  BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.
                 |          |                                         
                 |          |      DOUGH... the stuff...               
                 |     __  __)          that buys me beer...           
                |    /  \ /   \     RAY..... the guy that             
               /\/\ (o   )o  )    sells me beer...                 
               /c    \__/ --.     ME...... the guy...               
              (                )    who drinks the beer,             
               \_   _----------'     FAR..... the distance to my beer.
                |  /             \    SO...... I think I'll have a beer.
                | | '\_______)    LA...... La, la la la la beer     
                |  \_____)        TEA..... no thanks,               
                |_____ |                   I'm drinking beer...     
                |______/\/\       That will bring us back to...     
               /         \             (Looks into an empty glass) 
                                  D'OH!                             

Who was the last person to f*ck an Aussie & bring back the ashes?












Paula Yates.

Just to make you Englandshire folks happy     ::) :P

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned
to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some
research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch,        
introduced himself, and explained his mission.                        
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made
you really happy?"                                                    
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's        
daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found  
her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."                
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of    
anything else that happened that made you happy?"                    
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a          
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all
screwed it and took it back home."                                    
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either. Let's try      
another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you
really sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed,  
and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and
said, "This one time, I got lost."                                


Great story below......it just underscores the need to carefully think    
through design decisions.                                                
                                                                          
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.  Why was that gauge used?      
 Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads  
were built by English expatriates.                                        
                                                                          
Why did the English people build them like that?   Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,  
and that's the gauge they used.                                          
                                                                          
Why did "they" use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the    
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.                                            
Okay!  Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?  Well, if they tried    
to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long      
distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.            
                                                                              
So who built these old rutted roads?  The first long distance roads in        
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The      
roads have been used ever since.  The initial ruts, which everyone else      
had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war
chariots.  Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were    
all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.                                    
                                                                              
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States          
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original      
specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and              
Bureaucracies live forever.                                                  
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's    
ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman    
chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of    
two war horses.                                                              
                                                                            
But wait, there's more!...                                                  
                                                                            
When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big    
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the  
solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory    
in Utah.                                                                    
                                                                            
The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a      
bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the  
launch                                                                      
site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the        
mountains.                                                                  
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than  
a railroad track  . . . . .                                                
                                                                            
You've got it.  A major design feature of what is arguably the world's      
most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's
ass!                                                                        




I'm just cut n pasting this shit from my folders, if anyone wants any more just say! if nobody says anything i will carry on anyway!

There was a young lady from Leith,
Who would circumcise men with her teeth,         
It wasn't for fame,   Or love of the game       
But to get at the cheese underneath.
                                                 
There was a young actress from Crewe,           
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,             
The Bishop was quicker,  and thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you.                 
                                                 
There was a young vampire called mable,         
whose periods were always quite stable,               
at every full moon she took out a spoon,               
and drank herself under the table.                     
                                                       
There was a young plumber from Lee,                   
who was plumbing his girl with great glee,             
she said stop your plumbing,  I think someones coming,
said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!             
                                                       
A kinky young girl from Coleshill,                     
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,                   
They found her vagina,  in North Carolina,             
and bits of her tits in Brazil.                       
                                                       
There was a young man from Pitlocherie,               
making love to his girl in the rockery,               
she said look you've cum, all over my bum,   
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.             
                                             
          
                                             
There was a young girl called Molly,         
who fancied a bit in a quarry.               
She laid on her back, and opened her crack.   
And the bastard backed in with a lorry.       
                                             
There was a young man from Harrow,           
who had one as big as a marrow.               
He said to his tart, try this for a start.   
My balls are outside on a barrow.             
                                               
There was a young girl from Hitchen,           
who was scratching her crutch in the kitchen. 
Her mother said "Rose, its crabs I suppose".   
She said "bollocks, get on with your knitting"
                                               
There was a young girl from Devizes,           
who had tits of different sizes.               
One was quite small, almost nothing at all.   
But the other was big and won prizes.         

 

OK, not wanting to be too much of a killjoy, but we need an Adults only sticker on the title of this thread

Ironside/tikay?

er yeah sorry. And me with 2 kids should know better. Delete the dodgy ones by all means.

Can they be deleted in a minute after Ive printed them out?   Ive had a sheltered life!!!!!!


LOLOLOL    ;D

yt, you got me crying with laughter, mate.

Funny thing is these were send to me on internal email at work 6/7 years ago.
Thought everyone would know them.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Johnny, a kid 
from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for   
him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.                                 
                                                                         
Johnny was rather well endowed and curiosity got the better of the       
husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Johnny had the largest     
penis he had ever seen!!!                                               
                                                                         
The man asked Johnny, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your
dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...'                       
                                                                         
Johnny laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the       
bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"           
                                                                         
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could   
hardly wait to try it himself.                                           
                                                                             
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it       
on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound     
confidence when his wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and     
says, "Johnny, is that you?"