blonde poker forum

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on
the packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke
who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me
"What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."

I phoned the local builders today;
I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and
I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams

some good ones in there!

FYP

funniily enough I thought of Ed too.....

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and
I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"

some gems in there ... but that one made me LOL

Almost like real life Kev ;)

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"


 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Tim Vine jokes?

rotflmfao

 ;hattip;  Chic Murray

Tommy Cooper i think, and nice to see you posting again Rover wondered where you went.

bisatchel lol