blonde poker forum

Hi,

I wonder if you guys can help me? I’m doing some research and I’m trying to collaborate a list of poker (or gambling but mainly poker) quotes and sayings, etc. I would appreciate it if you could help. It doesn’t matter how obvious or simple you think they are, I want to try and make sure I get as much as possible.

I would also be interested in famous poker stories, such as the dead man’s hand story etc.

Would also be interested if you know of any good web resources for things like this.

Thanks for your help.

HarlemShuffle

the only one I know is.....

"I always play AK like a fish.... BUT I will never admit it" ...... Ironside ( every time he gets dumped out of a comp by going all in with AK )  :)

There were a couple of articles about it in cardplayer in 2004. You can read them on the cardplayer website in the archive. They are by no means comprehensive but might help you.

I like "Before you critisize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you critisize them you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes."

Not strictly to do with gambling/cards but I like it.

Asking someone who is boring you with a tale of their latest outdraw to speak to the mirror coz that's the only thing in the room what'll listen.

someone has this as a sig on another forum:-

When I hear someone telling a story about how he shrewdly layed down a middle set after some intricate chain of reasoning convinced him he was beaten, my quick (but silent) reaction is "idiot".

Dan Harrington, Harrington on hold 'em.

Okay, lets all sit with our HOH1 and 2 and pick out some gems shall we...

Thanks guys. A few there I haven't heard before. I'm also interested in little quotes and sayings such as 'I'm all in', 'Chip and a chair', 'On tilt', 'The nuts', etc. etc. Don't worry if you think they are too obvious, I just want to make sure I get as many as possible.

Thanks again.

Harlem

I collected these trawling the net a while ago to use on my site and now I've saved you an hour on google. If you use them how about a link back to my site???? :)up

"You lucky river mother-F@CKER!"
" The commonest mistake in history is underestimating your opponent; happens at the poker table all the time."
"If you can't quit the best hand, you can't play."
"I play like a mullet: tight up front and loose in the back."
"Don't challenge strong players, challenge weak ones. That's what they're there for". - John Vorhaus, author of Killer Poker.
"If you're not sure, you're probably in danger" -Salvatore Allegra
"I'd rather be lucky than good" - Lefty Gomez
"Im going to 2 out you to death"
"Don't look at when a player sucks out on you with a trash hand as a loss. Think of it as an investment that will be returned with interest."
Remember these three simple words and you'll never go broke........ "Stick em Up!"
"Give me running 10's boy!!" Mike Laing - after CALLING 78K with 10-8 on a board of K22
"Phil Helmuth is a jack ass" - Anon
"When you're drawing dead, you always get there."
"If it wasn't for luck, I'd win every hand."
"If I don't make that final table, nobody's gonna remember me next year. If I do make that final table, I'm a poker legend overnight" - Dutch Boyd 2003 WSOP Main Event
"The only way to win is to play. Unfortunately, it is also the only way to lose."
"Poker: a minute to learn - a lifetime to master. Or in my case: a minute to learn - two minutes to lose" - Crutchley
"Even a blind squirrel catches the nuts sometimes." -nickylala, internet poker player.
"A pair of Aces with a low kicker is like a chick without nipples"... -Doyle Brunson
"Hey, any two can win!" -Joe Schmoe - Noob
"If you raise with 72 offsuit, you get to raise when the flops is 7-7-2, ... once in your life. If you fold 72 offsuit, you get the free time to study your opponents or the waitresses and avoid polishing the rail with your sweater ... tough decision!"
"In the poker game of life women are the rake"
"Just play every hand, you can't miss them all." -Sammy Farha's reply to, "How does he do it?"
"It's always good to get a nice dick-sucking before a tournament...it calms the senses." Alex Powers
"Hoahulf! - Hell of a hand you lucky f******."
"Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen"
"Poker is like life, most people don't learn from their mistakes they only recognise them." C.Arel
"You can't let it get you down when somebody knocks you out of a tournament playing a hand they shouldn't have played. Without these types of players, nobody would win any amount of money, so sometimes you just have to take your medicine." - T.J. Cloutier
"If you don't play 23, you can't hit 2s full of 3s."
"No bad beat can withstand the assault of laughter!"
"The lucky player is usually the player that knows how much to leave to chance."
"I don't really mind getting bad beats. Of course, 9 times out of 10, my superior cards will win. But that 1 time in 10 that someone catches lucky cards and beats me, I don't get mad. Because each of the next 9 times they think they can catch something adds another inch to my television."
"Poker is like petting a cat, you need some hands."
"I've raised with cards less attractive than what's in my toilet after I took a dump in it." - Gus Hansen
"The next best thing to playing poker and winning, is playing poker and losing."
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."


LOL :D :D

Nice one Dewi, you have gotta love Steven Wright - he's soo sublime.

Heid
xx

nicked from another forum signature:

Mike "The Mouth" Matsuow vs Phil Hellmuth:

MM: "Oh you can't play poker, you have to play cards."

MM: "Phil, you are too weak tight, I'm not afraid to push it all in with nothing."

Phil: "What happens when you get called with nothing?"

Matusow: "Who the hell cares? It's better than being blinded to death."

One from Phil Ivey's first WSOP final table.

Ivey had been playing quite tight, except for the fact he kept re-raising Phil Hellmuth.

'Every time I bet, you raise', Hellmuth said.

Ivey kept quiet, but Amarillo Slim (also at the table) said to Hellmuth, 'Why shouldn't he? You keep folding.'

'Slim, that's why I got so many bracelets - they bet, bet, bet and then boom, they got no outs', replied Hellmuth.

Slim shut him up by saying 'What's bracelets got to do with that boy robbing you all the time?' :)

Whilst waiting for a call on the river..

"Does a flush beat a straight?"

Opponent calls, speaker shows a full house.

Closely followed, no doubt, by 'Speaker starts looking for his teeth on the floor'

I should think not, this happened in Glasgow.

We settle disputes in a more gentlemanly manner.

That and Speaker was probably more concerned finding his brains on the wall.

Thanks guys. Some good stuff here. From my research I need to come up with some slogans so if anyone has any ideas I would very much appreciate it. If I use any of your ideas I will try and give you some kind of reward.  :)up

:D very nice

It's the mundane, banal, brainless ones that amuse me.

"Show one, show all". SURELY they could come up with summat slightly more original......

"I was ahead". After Oppo passes. Never heard "I was behind" yet........

"Did you hear what happened to me?". Don't wiorry, you are about to.......

"I woulda won that". But you passed pe-flop.........

I use this list to show random quotes on my own site.  I collated it from loads of different places
"Hold em is to stud what chess is to checkers.",
"The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius.",
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.",
"Whether he likes it or not, a man's character is stripped bare at the poker table; if the other players read him better than he does, he has only himself to blame. Unless he is both able and prepared to see himself as others do, flaws and all, he will be a loser in cards, as in life.",
"Cards are war, in disguise of a sport.",
"You call...gonna be all over, baby.",
"When we play, we must realize, before anything else, that we are out to make money.",
"Poker may be a branch of psychological warfare, an art form or indeed a way of life - but it is also merely a game, in which money is simply the means of keeping score.",
"Poker reveals to the frank observer something else of import--it will teach him about his own nature. Many bad players do not improve because the cannot bear self-knowledge.",
"You cannot survive without that intangible quality we call heart. The mark of a top player is not how much he wins when he is winning but how he handles his losses. If you win for thirty days in a row, that makes no difference if on the thirty-first you have a bad night, go crazy, and throw it all away.",
"Limit poker is a science, but no-limit is an art. In limit, you are shooting at a target. In no-limit, the target comes alive and shoots back at you.",
"In the absence of any mathematical explanation, one thing is for certain; if you engage in games of chance long enough, the experience is bound to affect the way you see God. Successfully draw to an inside straight three hands in a row, and you've got to be blessed. But if you're the person drawn out on, the one whose trip aces just got snapped for the third time, you will go home feeling cursed.",

"The strong point in poker is never to lose your temper, either with those you are playing with or, more particularly, with the cards. There is no sympathy in poker. Always keep cool. If you lose your head you will lose all your chips.",

"The real things to know is that folks will stand to lose more than they will to win. That's the most important percentage there is. I mean, if they lose, they're willin' to lose everything. If they win, they're usually satisfied to win enough to pay for dinner and a show. The best gamblers know that.",
"The cardinal sin in poker, worse than playing did cards, worse even than figuring your odds correctly, is becoming emotionally involved.",
"It never hurts for potential opponents to think you're more than a little stupid and can hardly count all the money in your hip pocket, much less hold on to it..",
"It's hard work. Gambling. Playing poker. Don't let anyone tell you different. Think about what it's like sitting at a poker table with people whose only goal is to cut your throat, take your money, and leave you out back talking to yourself about what went wrong inside. That probably sounds harsh. But that's the way it is at the poker table. If you don't believe me, then you're the lamb that's going off to the slaughter.",
"I've always had confidence, but I never let my ego get to the point that I think I'm the superstar, because I know that ego has destroyed many a poker career.",
"He said, 'Son, I've made a life out of readin' people's faces, and knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.",
"These two have no idea what they're about to walk into. Down here to have a good time, they figure, Why not give poker a try? After all, how different can it be from the home games they've played their whole lives? Luck. All the luck in the world isn't gonna change things for these guys. They're simply overmatched. We're (the pros at the table) not playing together, but we're not playing against each other, either. It's like the Nature Channel. You don't see piranhas eating each other, do you?",
"There are few things that are so unpardonably neglected in our country as poker. The upper class knows very little about it. Now and then you find ambassadors who have sort of a general knowledge of the game, but the ignorance of the people is fearful. Why, I have known clergymen, good men, kind-hearted, liberal, sincere, and all that, who did not know the meaning of a 'flush'. It is enough to make one ashamed of the species.",
"If, after the first twenty minutes, you don't know who the sucker at the table is, it's you.",
"I never go looking for a sucker. I look for a Champion and make a sucker of of him.",
"If you are a guy, you know you play too much poker if your wet dreams involve 'nuts' instead of breasts.",
"It is better to make people think you are a bad poker player, than to play and remove all doubt. Don't play to impress, play to win.",
"Don't get mad that you lost, get mad because you didn't win.",
"Hold'em - like life itself - has its defining moment.  It's the flop.  When you see the flop, you're looking at 71 percent of your hand, and the cost is only a single round of betting.",
"Most of the money you'll win at poker comes not from the brilliance of your own play, but from the ineptitude of your opponents.",
"The next time you get ready to tell a bad beat story, stop and ask yourself why you want to tell a losing story?"

"It can all change in one hand". From the low stack when business is being discussed. Like the big stack did not know that.

"I have most chips". By the dhip leader. There's a thing.

its not a sprint, its a marathon

do you play bingo :)

in the same vein..

its lottery time

Like the cowboys used to say (to rabbit-hunters)

There's no point looking up a dead horse's arse

im fishing for  ;whale;

thats usually when im steaming and sit down at tables i cant afford with my whole bankroll and end up losing in the first hand....lol

"Where's the buffet?" Tom McCready

does my bum look big in this?.........................lmao

okay maybe i took that a bit too far....

"you hold the candle while i shave the chicken's lips" - that gets said at stoke quite often.

not sure turn round and i'll check for you

Can I have a Valet (sometimes please is said)
Whats the Guarantee?
Change the cards (never please)

and my personal favourite
"They don't do that in Junction 10 !"  GRRRRRR

The occasional "Junction 10 has gone to the dogs" cheers me right back up though :D

do you realise that you could sell a load of shirts with those sayings on them to the punters

I will have a word with AdamM :D

Thanks a lot for all your replies. Very useful. I especially like the one liners, such as the above and what Tikay wrote. It's the one liners I'm mostly interested in or stories that I can break down into one liners.

Thanks to Tikay for the ones you wrote. They are so obvious but I hadn't though of them. "I would've won that". Quality! Haha...

Can someone please explain the Junction 10 thing. Am I missing something obvious or is it something specific that you have to know about?

Thanks again all,

HarlemShuffle

"you can sheer a sheep many times, but skin him only once" amirrillo slim
" limit holdem is an science, no-limit is an art, in limit you are shooting at targets while in no-limit the targets decide to shoot back"  god knows
"Das schicksal mischt die karten und wir spielen"   fate shuffles the cards and be play

Junction 10 is walsall grosvenor, Dik9 is the cardroom manager at the Broadway casino.
It's a rivalry thing................

 Ooh eck, I must be bored. Anyway, here's my top 20 of poker quotes:


(1) Once you start thinking you have nothing left to learn, you have everything to learn. -- Steve Badget

(2) If, after the first twenty minutes , you don't know who the sucker at the table is, it's you. -- Rounders

(3) Forget about a chip and a chair, give me hand and I'll stand. -- Warren Karp

(4) There is more to poker than life. -- Tom McEvoy

(5) Even a blind squirrel catches the nuts sometimes -- nickylala

(6) You can sheer a sheep many times, you can skin him only once. -- Amarillo Slim

(7) I'd rather be lucky than good. -- Lefty Gomez

(8) Cards are war, in disguise of sport. -- Charles Lamb

(9) People would be surprised to know how much I've learned about prayer from playing poker. -- Mary Austin

(10) Omaha is a game that was invented by a Sadist and is played by Masochists. -- Shane Smith

(11) The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius. -- Big Julie

(12) In the Long run there's no luck in poker, but the short run is longer than most people know. -- Rick Bennet

(13) If you're not sure, you're probably in danger. -- Salvatore Allegra

(14) God does not play dice with the universe; he plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. -- Terry Pratchett

(15) Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren't many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person's self-delusional ability and actual ability than poker. -- Steve Badger

(16) Good moves are designed to be used against good players. A 'good move' against a bad player may well be a bad move. -- Bob Ciaffone

(17) A person should gamble every day, because think of how bad it would be to walk around being lucky and not know it. -- Robert Turner

(18) Poker is like life, most people don't learn from their mistakes, they only recognise them. -- C. Ariel

(19) All I know is, if the cards ever break even - I'm screwed. -- Rich Korbin

(20) Most of the money you'll win at poker comes not from the brilliance of your own play, but from the ineptitude of your opponent's. -- Lou Krieger

Thanks for all your replies guys. Anyone has anymore keep 'em coming.

"I just raised coz I was fed up asking for change"

When asked why you didn't pass a marginal hand....
"I wouldn't have all these chips if I passed"

"Ah f*ck."
"As if I could ever beat John Juanda with Ace f*cking deuce."
"I was up against the two luckist f*cks I've ever seen!"
Dave Ulliet aka the devilfish Ulliot after exiting the monte carlo  millions tournament.

"I don't know where phil ivey was when god was handing out emotions if that's how he looks when he wins over half a million."
Roy Brindley (after phil ivey won the Monte Carlo Millions Tournament)

"Limit poker is a science, but no-limit is an art. In limit, you are shooting at a target. In no-limit, the target comes alive and shoots back at you."
Jack Strauss

"The money?" he says. "The money is a way of keeping score."
Anon
 
"Watching fake-money poker to become better at real-money poker is like watching darts to become better at football."
Anon

Robert Turner: "A person should gamble every day, because think of how bad it would be to walking around lucky and not know it."

David "Devilfish" Ulliet: "The two things you need to be successful in poker are first, find the muck and second, don't play your own money." 

Somone said this to me the other day

"At least smile when you take my f#@king Chips"

On hitting a four outer against two sets for a gutshot the loser turned and hissed c***
the reply came "thats Mr lucky c*** to you"

When people ask me why I wear my bracelet and are rude about it I tell them I will talk to them about it " as soon as you win your own WSOP bracelet you piece of xxxx"

And if all else fails Brian, you could always take up Diplomacy as a career.

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

And Brian's sensitive Post reminds me of a real beautiful one-liner of Brian's, because it says SO much about the guy himself.

"Hi, my names Brian Wilson, & tonight I am your Table Captain".

Didn't he go out shortly after? :D

Very probably, especially if I was on his table. It particularly rankles him that I'm 2 for 0 against him. I as particularly strong against him at The Palms, when he made a move on me pre-flop when I was in the BB, &, after due consideration, I bravely called & busted him with my unsuited AA.

dont get carried away old man, until next time, show a little  :respect: 8)

 Js 4d man apologises to  Ts Th man.

Call sometimes!

I do know that is your greatest claim to fame, you need a new life old guy! :cheers: ;karabiner; ;scarymoment;