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Title: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Novice on October 13, 2010, 12:30:22 PM Nothing keeps a relationship on its toes so much as lively debate. Fortunate, then, that my girlfriend ( Louise ) and I agree on absolutely nothing. At all.
Here for your enjoyment ( I hope ) are a few things we have argued about in the 10 years we have been together. Where to sit in the cinema. On those occasions when we (a) manage to agree to go to the cinema together and, (b) go to see the same film once we're there. (No, really). The best way to hang up washing. I eat two-fingered Kit-Kats like I'd eat any other chocolate bars of that size, i.e., without feeling the need to snap them into two individual fingers first. Lou accused me of doing this, 'deliberately to annoy her'. ::) She wanted to paint the living room yellow. I, after what seemed a life time but only infact lasted a fortnight won that one. Phew. The TV Remote. It is only by epic self-discipline on both our parts that we don't argue about the TV Remote to the exclusion of all else. It does the TV Remote a disservice to suggest that it is only the cause of four types of argument, but space, you will understand, is limited so I must concentrate on the main ones. 1) Ownership of the TV Remote: this is signified by its being on the arm of the chair/sofa closest to you - it is more important than life itself. 2) On those blood-freezing occasions when you look up from your seat to discover that the TV Remote is still lying on top of the TV, then one of you must retrieve it; who shall it be? And how will this affect (1)? 3) Disappearance of the TV Remote. Precisely who had it last will be hotly disputed, witnesses may be called. Things can turn very nasty indeed when the person who isn't looking for it is revealed to be unknowingly sitting on it. 4) The TV Remote is a natural nomad and sometimes, may the Lord protect us, it goes missing for whole days. During these dark times, someone must actually, in an entirely literal sense, get up to change the channel; International Law decrees that this, "will not be the person who did it last" - but can this be ascertained? Without the police becoming involved? Lou thinks I'm vain because... I use a mirror when I shave. During this argument in the bathroom - our fourth most popular location for arguments, it will delight and charm you to learn - Lou proved that shaving with a mirror could only be seen as outrageous narcissism by saying, 'None of the other men I've been with,' (my, but it's all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that) 'None of the other men I've been with used a mirror to shave.' 'Ha! Difficult to check up on that, isn't it? As all the other men you've been with can now only communicate by blinking their eyes!' I said. Much later. When Lou had left the house. She really over-reacts whenever she catches me wearing her underwear. The Terror Of Lids: Yes, the rewards are high, but it's a game where the price of defeat is savage. Sometimes Lou, after grunting with it herself for a collection of 'hnggh's, will hand me a bottle or a jar that has a screw top along with an impatient, 'Open that for me.' If the gods lie content in the skies above England at that moment, then what follows is a rapid flick of my wrist, a delightful 'click-fshhhh' gasp of surrender, and my handing the thing back to her FEELING LIKE A HERO OF NORSE LEGEND. Generally, though, what happens is that I strain for a while and strip the skin off the palm of my hands. Then I wrap the lid in a tea towel and strain some more to equal effect. At this point I'm on to using the jamb of the door as a vice to hold the lid while I twist at the container; Lou will be saying, 'Give it back here, you'll wreck the door,' and I'll be swearing and twisting and saying, 'I'll repaint that bit in a minute.' The fear is upon me. If it's a fizzy thing, you can sometimes puncture the lid to relieve the pressure and then get it open, but you're not often that lucky. 'Give it back,' Lou repeats, reaching around me, trying to take the item from my hands. I swivel away - 'Just a minute' - and desperately twist at the lid again, now not even attempting not to squint up my face as I do so. At last, though, Lou will manage to get the thing back. This is the darkest moment. If she tries again and it remains fastened, then I am saved. 'It's just completely stuck,' I'll say, 'It is. Stop trying now. Stop. Stop it.' However, there are times - and my stomach chills now, even as I write this - when she gets it back and, with one last satanic effort, manages to spin the lid free. A slight smile takes up home on her face. Me. 'What?' Lou.'Nothing.' Me. 'No - what?' Lou. 'Nothing.' Me. 'I'd loosened it.' Lou. 'I didn't say anything. And I'll have to drag the tiny, damp shreds of my manhood away into the reclusive garage until the slight, slight smile disappears from her some thirty-six hours into the future. I have other tales about our relationship if you want to read them. But that will be for another day. Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: RED-DOG on October 13, 2010, 12:38:30 PM Brilliant! (Admit it, you love her to bits)
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: technolog on October 13, 2010, 12:48:18 PM I have other tales about our relationship if you want to read them. Yes! And I'm so glad I'm divorced! Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Hairydude on October 13, 2010, 12:56:30 PM Haha brilliant.... sounds like the best type of relationship there is!
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: the sicilian on October 13, 2010, 01:00:21 PM Nothing keeps a relationship on its toes so much as lively debate. Fortunate, then, that my girlfriend ( Louise ) and I agree on absolutely nothing. At all. Here for your enjoyment ( I hope ) are a few things we have argued about in the 10 years we have been together. Where to sit in the cinema. On those occasions when we (a) manage to agree to go to the cinema together and, (b) go to see the same film once we're there. (No, really). JUST LET HER DECIDE The best way to hang up washing. YOUR A MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS SUBJECT..LET HER GET ON WITH IT I eat two-fingered Kit-Kats like I'd eat any other chocolate bars of that size, i.e., without feeling the need to snap them into two individual fingers first. Lou accused me of doing this, 'deliberately to annoy her'. ::) TELL HER TO GET HER OWN FLIPPING KIT KAT.... AND NICE ONE ON THE ANNOYING...SMALL VICTORIES ARE THE BEST.. She wanted to paint the living room yellow. I, after what seemed a life time but only infact lasted a fortnight won that one. Phew. WELL DONE..MY EX PAINTED ONE OF THE BEDROOMS GREEN AND ORANGE...TOOK US 18 MONTHS TO SELL THE FUCKING HOUSE The TV Remote. It is only by epic self-discipline on both our parts that we don't argue about the TV Remote to the exclusion of all else. It does the TV Remote a disservice to suggest that it is only the cause of four types of argument, but space, you will understand, is limited so I must concentrate on the main ones. 1) Ownership of the TV Remote: this is signified by its being on the arm of the chair/sofa closest to you - it is more important than life itself. 2) On those blood-freezing occasions when you look up from your seat to discover that the TV Remote is still lying on top of the TV, then one of you must retrieve it; who shall it be? And how will this affect (1)? 3) Disappearance of the TV Remote. Precisely who had it last will be hotly disputed, witnesses may be called. Things can turn very nasty indeed when the person who isn't looking for it is revealed to be unknowingly sitting on it. 4) The TV Remote is a natural nomad and sometimes, may the Lord protect us, it goes missing for whole days. During these dark times, someone must actually, in an entirely literal sense, get up to change the channel; International Law decrees that this, "will not be the person who did it last" - but can this be ascertained? Without the police becoming involved? TELL HER TO GTFO... EVERYONE KNOWS NO WOMAN CAN HANDLE THAT KIND OF POWER Lou thinks I'm vain because... I use a mirror when I shave. During this argument in the bathroom - our fourth most popular location for arguments, it will delight and charm you to learn - Lou proved that shaving with a mirror could only be seen as outrageous narcissism by saying, 'None of the other men I've been with,' (my, but it's all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that) 'None of the other men I've been with used a mirror to shave.' DID SHE STOP GOING OUT WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY HAD MUTILATED THEMSELVES... REPLY WITH SENTANCES THAT BEGIN WITH ' NONE OF THE WOMEN IVE BEEN WITH REQUIRED AS MUCH MAKE UP AS YOU ' 'Ha! Difficult to check up on that, isn't it? As all the other men you've been with can now only communicate by blinking their eyes!' I said. Much later. When Lou had left the house. She really over-reacts whenever she catches me wearing her underwear. TELL HER SHES JEALOUS COS U LOOK BETTER IN IT The Terror Of Lids: Yes, the rewards are high, but it's a game where the price of defeat is savage. Sometimes Lou, after grunting with it herself for a collection of 'hnggh's, will hand me a bottle or a jar that has a screw top along with an impatient, 'Open that for me.' If the gods lie content in the skies above England at that moment, then what follows is a rapid flick of my wrist, a delightful 'click-fshhhh' gasp of surrender, and my handing the thing back to her FEELING LIKE A HERO OF NORSE LEGEND. Generally, though, what happens is that I strain for a while and strip the skin off the palm of my hands. Then I wrap the lid in a tea towel and strain some more to equal effect. At this point I'm on to using the jamb of the door as a vice to hold the lid while I twist at the container; Lou will be saying, 'Give it back here, you'll wreck the door,' and I'll be swearing and twisting and saying, 'I'll repaint that bit in a minute.' The fear is upon me. If it's a fizzy thing, you can sometimes puncture the lid to relieve the pressure and then get it open, but you're not often that lucky. 'Give it back,' Lou repeats, reaching around me, trying to take the item from my hands. I swivel away - 'Just a minute' - and desperately twist at the lid again, now not even attempting not to squint up my face as I do so. At last, though, Lou will manage to get the thing back. This is the darkest moment. If she tries again and it remains fastened, then I am saved. 'It's just completely stuck,' I'll say, 'It is. Stop trying now. Stop. Stop it.' However, there are times - and my stomach chills now, even as I write this - when she gets it back and, with one last satanic effort, manages to spin the lid free. A slight smile takes up home on her face. Me. 'What?' Lou.'Nothing.' Me. 'No - what?' Lou. 'Nothing.' Me. 'I'd loosened it.' Lou. 'I didn't say anything. And I'll have to drag the tiny, damp shreds of my manhood away into the reclusive garage until the slight, slight smile disappears from her some thirty-six hours into the future. GET ONE OF THOSE DEVICES OLD PEOPLE LIKE TIKAY USE THAT TAKE THE LID OFF FOR YOU I have other tales about our relationship if you want to read them. But that will be for another day. YES I AM DIVORCED AND HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: pokefast on October 13, 2010, 01:03:33 PM Brilliant, more please :)
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: DMorgan on October 13, 2010, 01:08:16 PM 5 stars
more please Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Nakor on October 13, 2010, 01:21:46 PM Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Novice on October 13, 2010, 01:41:44 PM Brilliant! (Admit it, you love her to bits) That reminds me of this conversation we had in February. It's Friday the 12th of February. It's early evening. Lou and I are sitting in the living room. Lou has asked me to do something the following day. Me: 'I can't, I'm afraid. I'm going into town.' Lou: 'Why? What do you need to go to town for?' Me: 'Oh, I have to get some stuff.' Lou: 'What stuff?' Me: 'Just some stuff... things.' Lou: 'What things?' Me: 'Various things.' Lou: 'What things?' Me: 'What does it matter?' Lou: 'What things?' Me: 'It's not important what specific things, is it? I have to get things or I wouldn't be cycling into town, would I? All that's relevant here is that I have to go, not the details of the individual items I need to get - there's no point wasting time giving you a big list, when the only significant point is that I need to go to town.' Lou: 'What things?' Me: 'Oh, for Christ's sake... Pizzas. I need to buy some pizzas, OK?' Lou: 'We've got pizzas.' Me: 'We've got a pizza.' Lou: 'So? How many do you need?' Me: 'Several. I want to have several in the fridge.' Lou: 'Why?' Me: 'So that we have a stock of them.' Lou: 'Why?' Me: 'So that we don't run out, obviously.' Lou: 'What would happen if we ran out?' Me: 'I'd have to go to town.' This flings itself out of my mouth while my higher brain is still racing along behind it frantically waving its arms and shouting, 'Wait! Wait!' Lou responds with just the tiniest movement of her eyebrows. Absolutely minuscule. Sufficient in size, however, to make me wonder if I could get a UN resolution to have her bombed. Me: 'I have to get other things too.' Lou: 'What things?' Me: 'What the bloody hell does it matter? Why can't I go to town if I want to, for God's sake?' Lou: 'Why are you being secretive? What are you up to?' Me: 'I'm not up to anything.' Lou: 'Yes you are.' Me: 'Like what?' Lou: 'I don't know.' Me: 'Because there isn't anything.' Lou: 'Yes there is - I can tell.' Me: 'There isn't.' Lou: 'You bloody liar.' Me: 'You bloody mad woman.' Lou: 'Tell me.' Me: 'Stop talking now.' Lou: 'Tell me.' Me: 'I...' Lou: 'Tell me.' I think we've both risen to our feet by this point (it allows for better voice projection). Me: 'OK! OK! You want to know why I need to go up town, you relentless harridan?!' Lou: ''Yes! You lying swine!' Me: 'So I can get your Valentine's Day card! So I can get your bloody Valentine's Day card and give it to you as a nice surprise. A tiny flicker. It's the merest stutter of hesitation, though, then she's back on track before the beat is really lost. Lou: 'You don't need to get me a bloody Valentine's Day card!' (I can't imagine what makes her think she's going to get away with this move - she must be getting old.) Me: 'Too bad! Because I'm getting you a Valentine's Day card! Lou: 'THERE'S NO BLOODY NEED!' Me: 'WELL IT'S GOING TO BLOODY HAPPEN - GET USED TO IT!' And, indeed, I do go to town, buy her a card. Inside I write, 'Surprise!' I gave it to her on Valentine's Day and she says, 'Thank you,' to me, through gritted teeth. (She gets me one too, by the way - it reads, "I'm not interested in a nice, normal relationship... I like ours better.") Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: RED-DOG on October 13, 2010, 02:56:51 PM ;tightend;
<Passes baton, steps quietly aside> ;shame; Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Ironside on October 13, 2010, 03:06:13 PM Blatant I have a girlfriend brag
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: EvilPie on October 13, 2010, 03:15:01 PM I had a similar conversation with my ex about her valentine's card one year.
When I finally cracked and admitted what I was up to she went mad at me for spoiling the surprise. Ever get the feeling you can't win? Brought back some memories that one :) Keep up the good work. Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Cf on October 13, 2010, 03:27:09 PM Very good.
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Girgy85 on October 13, 2010, 03:38:19 PM Top bombing!
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: outragous76 on October 13, 2010, 03:39:55 PM lol @ girgy and cf in this thread :P
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: TightPaulFolds on October 13, 2010, 03:43:43 PM Valentine's Day pizza ftw!
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Amatay on October 13, 2010, 03:53:04 PM lol, superb. more pls
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Dewi_cool on October 13, 2010, 03:54:23 PM lol, superb. more pls Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Cf on October 13, 2010, 04:00:56 PM lol @ girgy and cf in this thread :P lol, what did I say? Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Girgy85 on October 13, 2010, 04:03:14 PM lol @ girgy and cf in this thread :P lol, what did I say? Was gonna say a bit of a rub for nana there! I believe he has a GF now! Also I'm single by choice ;) Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: outragous76 on October 13, 2010, 04:06:53 PM lol @ girgy and cf in this thread :P lol, what did I say? sorry nana - thought u were single! Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Claw75 on October 13, 2010, 04:07:41 PM Also I'm single by choice ;) I'm gonna agree this is deffo true - any bloke that wants a girlfriend doesn't post pics of his turds on facebook ::) Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: TightEnd on October 13, 2010, 04:08:51 PM Very good Mr Novice welcome to blonde
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: RED-DOG on October 13, 2010, 04:18:44 PM Also I'm single by choice ;) The girl's choice.... Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Woodsey on October 13, 2010, 04:20:53 PM Also I'm single by choice ;) The girl's choice.... Owned......... :) Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Amatay on October 13, 2010, 04:26:11 PM Also I'm single by choice ;) The girl's choice.... ouch Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: TightPaulFolds on October 13, 2010, 04:38:03 PM Also I'm single by choice ;) The girl's choice.... poty haha Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Girgy85 on October 13, 2010, 04:38:28 PM Also I'm single by choice ;) The girl's choice.... ouch OBV Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Laxie on October 13, 2010, 05:47:13 PM ;yippee; ;tightend; ;yippee; rotflmfao
You've NO IDEA how much I've missed the tales of Paul and Lou!!! Please keep them up Paul. And tell Lou I was asking for her. xx Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: thetank on October 13, 2010, 06:24:17 PM Nothing keeps a relationship on its toes so much as lively debate. Fortunate, then, that my girlfriend ( Louise ) and I agree on absolutely nothing. At all. Here for your enjoyment ( I hope ) are a few things we have argued about in the 10 years we have been together. ;tightend; That's like having TT hold up without improvement vs opponets with QJ and AK Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Delboy on October 13, 2010, 06:36:34 PM Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: In Form on October 13, 2010, 10:30:46 PM I enjoyed that. You write very well.
I will be looking out for more of the same. Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Bongo on October 14, 2010, 12:09:08 AM It's kind of odd that someone else I know has a pretty similar girlfriend and writing style ;whistle;
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: 12barblues on October 14, 2010, 12:14:19 AM If you like this, you might want to try Mil Millington's 'Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About' website.
http://mil-millington.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/things.html It includes gems like arguing about the remote control, eating kitkats and hanging up washing....... Damn, Bongo beat me to it! Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Claw75 on October 14, 2010, 12:28:30 AM :(
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: gatso on October 14, 2010, 12:33:43 AM seriously, if you're going to plagiarise you should change some of the words, people can google
remember reading mil millington's stuff about 10 years ago, it was quite innovative writing back then Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: RED-DOG on October 14, 2010, 12:36:07 AM It's kind of odd that someone else I know has a pretty similar girlfriend and writing style ;whistle; (http://www.iamtrex.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/disappointed-bongo.jpg) Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Claw75 on October 14, 2010, 12:40:37 AM I don't want to believe it. I'm just gonna go with the view that lots of people argue about the same kind of things and it's a massive co-incidence.
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Jon MW on October 14, 2010, 06:18:45 AM If you like this, you might want to try Mil Millington's 'Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About' website. http://mil-millington.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/things.html It includes gems like arguing about the remote control, eating kitkats and hanging up washing....... Damn, Bongo beat me to it! I didn't want to point it out, just in case it was a massive coincidence. - however I would recommend buying the book that he wrote, it has a vaguely cop out ending but it's definitely worth the read if you can find it cheap (and obviously through the blonde Amazon link, if that still exists?) (http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41TA3CVVWQL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU02_.jpg) Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Novice on October 14, 2010, 06:41:05 AM Oh you lot are good ;busted;
I highly recommend reading the books you cant put them down. :)up Now where is the " I'll get me coat " smiley. Oh and Dawn, Lou said " Send her my love " x Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: In Form on October 14, 2010, 10:30:39 AM I enjoyed that. You write very well. I will be looking out for more of the same. -1 Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Girgy85 on October 14, 2010, 10:43:03 AM I enjoyed that. You Copy paste very well. I will be looking out for more of the same. +1 FYP Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: celtic on October 14, 2010, 11:13:24 AM Lol. What a saddo.
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Hairydude on October 14, 2010, 11:59:54 AM copied or not still made me smile
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: boldie on October 14, 2010, 12:21:27 PM Just started reading the original page.
Very funny stuff Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: TightEnd on October 14, 2010, 12:22:24 PM Not the behaviour you'd expect of a poker site mdoerator
There you go, Amateur Sherlocks..... Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: TightPaulFolds on October 14, 2010, 12:25:16 PM I really enjoyed that, copy moar!
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: DMorgan on November 03, 2010, 05:56:21 PM Sucks that its copied but still funny
Title: Re: My girlfriend and I. Post by: Redsgirl on November 07, 2010, 05:06:53 PM ;joestrummer; What a shame, I was really looking forward to more of this.
Snatch that baton back Dad, and run like the wind. |