blonde poker forum

As Jimmy Greaves once said, it's a funny old game. Here are a few pointers for any newbies out there.

(i) If you are a new player, be prepared for a physical battle. You may find grown men barging passed you in order to grab a crucial seat at the new table. This seat will prvent them from paying a couple of hundred in blinds. How big is their stack? About 10K.

(ii) Don't attempt bluffs. They are impossible and only work against people with even worse cards. Whenever a bluff is shown, you will find that your opponent will always say, 'You were ahead anyway.'

(iii) Remember that poker is more important than life itself. Often, players are willing to risk life and death to reach a $20 rebuy tournament. It's 8.30, you're tootling along on the motorway, a car whizzes past at 140 mph. He's a poker player!!

(iv) Don't worry about the traffic coming home. At 4am, the only people on the road are truckers and poker players.

(v) There are 11 left in a big comp. You move all-in with your aces. An opponent calls and turns over pocket kings. Don't expect any support from the remaining players. Incredibly, they may want your aces to lose. In the unlikely event of them standing up, you will hear a deathening sigh as everyone sits back down. If justice doesn't prevail and the sheer force of 10 players simultaneously willing a king to hit is too much for the dealer, be prepared to hear a deathening cheer and a loud shout of 'FINAL!!!'. In these situations, consolidation is rare. Whilst you are left on your own wondering if the poker fairiers are real or not, they will be too busy picking their seat numbers to offer any condolencies. 

(vi) Beware! Players say good luck and sorry when they mean 'I hope I win' and 'I'm glad I outdrew you'.

(vi) Poker players are the most pessimistic people around. Whenever you move all-in, it is customary to stand up, put on your coat and get ready to walk out the door. Don't worry if you have aces, you still need to prepare to exit the room.

(vii) Poker is the only game that has a magic button which forces the dealer to give you better cards. Therefore, if you are on the button, just raise without looking at your cards.

(viii) There's a loud buzzer that signifies a raise in blinds. As long as the cardroom manager is across the other side of the room, a whole table is allowed to pretend they didn't hear it. After a couple of hands, you may find the player on the button informing everyone that the buzzer has sounded and the blinds have gone up. The table will continue to protest their ignorance, even though the cardroom manager had boomed, 'ANTIS UP!!!'.

(ix) If your luck is down, why not ask for the deck to be changed? The cardroom manager will then bring you the magic deck. In extreme cases, if the magic deck doesn't change your luck, it may not be powerful enough. You can then ask for yet another new deck.

(x) You are advised to bring ear-plugs. An evening is not allowed to pass without one petty argument taking place.

 ;D

Oops. Two number 6s.

 :P

Go all in, they'll hold up!

(xi) you will quickly learn the expression "they were sooted" is the international excuse used when questioning as to the logic behind the absolutely disgraceful calls leading to the inevitable cracking of your aces, closely followed by "i had pot odds", "i was on the big blind" and "you made it too cheap".

Myself and a friend of mine were sat in the final of a small comp last week and my friend inevitably raised on the button, the bb looked in deep thought and then 2 minutes later showed A4 of diamonds, face up as if he'd passed KK. my mate laughed and said of they were off suit ud need a spedometer  to measure how fast uve mucked em. 

also i think the funniest things in small re buy comps are the bad beat stories, i love hearing them, it makes me piss my pants. They are exagerated the next time they were told. the Ace that fell went from the flop to the turn and then to the river, and the pot goes from a decent pot to the biggest of the night, and they would have always won the comp if thier KK would have held up.


This is becoming quite a rant........  in a comp last week i raised pre flop with AQ the flop came AA4 i checked he bet turn 7 i check called again
the river was a blank and i check raised all in, the player then said " we'll there's only 2 more aces in the deck whats he chances of him having one" "i call" he called with 10 4 os i just said unlucky. he said " O you did have one"  I said u were really unlucky there were only 2 more in the deck.

its worth just turning up to these events for the entertainment value! + if u play a tight aggressive game u will final 8/10 times,


p.s i really enjoyed that post Snoopy.
                             

I had a funny one the other day:-
i'm in the bb with Q3 off, no raise and 3 limpers. Flop A K 10 rainbow, checks all round. Turn is the J, i check and one fella raises 200. the rest fold and i call, river is a blank and with no flush out i know i've got the nuts. He raises 1500, and i see no point in reraising and say "i call, i've got the same queen as you"
He replies "i ain't got a queen"!!!!!!!
Unbelievable.

Great post snoop, you've been hiding your light under a bushel. It seems we have endless talent on here

Talent? Snoopy's a Notts boy, that's why........

My absolute favorite bad call excuse was at my old stomping ground Annabelles in coventry

I was deep into the competition. Well, I say deep, they only make three tables, four if the valet and the car park security man play, but everyone re buys like mad and so the last dozen or so players tend to have big stacks and the game can go on a bit

So, we finally get down to eleven, bubble time. I was comfortable, with average chips when, in middle position I find Ako in the box. I put in a healthy raise and get one caller, an old bloke with a long suffering face, and a set of those false teeth that try to continue the conversation after their owner has stopped speaking.

The flop came K94 rainbow, I raise and again he calls. Now Im wondering if hes hit a set or is slow playing aces or some other skulduggery, I know nothing about his game, Ive never seen him before and have just moved on to his table

The turn card is the A. Im not altogether sure Im ahead but decide, this is it. Im all in I say, pushing my chips to the centre of the table, Call he says, and beats me into the pot. He turns his cards face up, J4

Of course the river card is a 4 and Im on my way, but before I go I have to ask, How can you call me?  I just want to get home he says, through teeth moving out of sync, like a badly dubbed movie, And let me dog out before it craps in the kitchen

i thought he had cats??

Great story Mr. Dog.

I feel as though I can see those teeth !

 ;D

there are great ones every night  I play in the "splash the cash" rebuy comps

Last week final table, 7 left...

I raise MP with JJ, American guy with stetson and Cowboy boots (In Luton, I kid you not!), calls in next position as does the BB

Flop 9 6 4 rainbow, bb checks, I bet with my overpair

John Wayne raises and BB, the chip leader, goes all in comfortably covering both of us

I fold, he's hit a set I suppose

Jesses James calls in a nano-second 

BB turns over 99 for a set, fair enogh

Wild Bill Hickox turns over A6 suited for middle pair

His two parting comments:

" I called pre-flop because they were Sooooooted"
" I thought the chip leader was trying to buy the pot"

Please come back to my casino soon!!!

   

but occasionally stupidity becomes bad manners...

Final table again, I'm short stack in the BB looking at AK

Button raises, I re-raise all in and he can't pass

Turns over KQ

At which point a Russian gentleman in trap nine (we get em all in Luton...)  not involved in the pot pipes up "I hope the Q comes, it's coming you know, I can feel it"

I'm not happy at the discourtesy and sure enough the Q comes on the flop. No problem

And then Brezhnev says as I get up "Good, I'm guaranteed another 120 now!!!"

I'm afraid at this point I let rip with my invective

IF YOU ARE NOT INVOLVED IN A POT, SHUT THE F*** UP PLEASE

Thank you, rant over, good morning to you all   

I was playing golf with my dad the other day and as usual we were talking about the previous Thursday game at Gala and recounting stories of happenings at the table and i told him one of my favourite bad play / misunderstanding of the game stories in recent times.  Were down to 2 tables and and a youngish leicester bloke (probably his 2nd ever comp) has jabbered, talked and rivered his way through to these relatively late stages and is in every pot with all sorts of hands telling the table how he knows what we all got and how he's gonna make the final - he can feel it!

The action comes to him and he puts in a raise - a complete rock who by now has had enough of his jabberings and bad play comes over the top with an all in re-raise for exactly the same amount of chips as the newbie.  Now leicester newbie bloke has easily enough chips to pass but tells the table that he thinks "this is a 50:50 situation" and "its time to gamble" he thinks a little longer and then says "he's probably got jacks" - he then calls. 

The rock, which i put on Aces minimum actually turns over J-J - wow! i think what an amazing read this newbie has put on mr Gibraltar.  The table all wait for newbie to turn over his cards but by now we know from his jabberings and read on the rock that he must have either A-K, A-Q or Q-K.  Anyway newbie proudly flips over..... wait for it................. 8-8!

The table all stunned give a groan in unison and say to him  - but you said he probably had jacks and you were 50:50? - the newbie, completely deadpan and totally believing what he is about to say turns to the main ring leader of the ribbings to defend himself and says "yeah! - i am fifty fifty! - i could hit my 8 or he could hit his jack! - fifty fifty! - the table sigh and no-one can be bothered to explain the fundamentals of poker odds to the fella and wait for him to dissappear but an eight on the flop - sees mr rock on the first boat back to Gibraltar and mr leicester newbie telling his travel companions how he hasn't lost a fifty fifty al night! - wow!

Hahaha thats Probably one of the funniest stories ive heard

You all must have been Gutted to see that * come, total ego boost for the Cretin

We have one player who will never play with cards with red or brown backs, and moans continuously about them.



Any other barmy superstitions?

This one was a killer:

sitting to the left of a complete newbie one Thursday night. I'd been as patient as could be, honest

There's a pot with a lot of limpers, he makes up the small Blind, having been told his options for the 62nd time

I check in the BB with trash

Flop

AA7

Newbie looks a bit uneasy and whispers to me

" I need to ask you some questions"

"I'm sorry it will have to be after the hand"

"No, no, I need to ask It's important!"

" Please, wait"

by this time the whispering has gone and the whole table is hanging on his every word....

"I'm going to ask anyway....how many cards do you need to win a hand of poker and what happens if you have four Aces?"

No one answers

I'm almost crying with laughter, the rest of the table is in uproar. Anyway he makes a minimum bet

Four limpers fold quicker than anyone I've ever seen but his semi-rookie mate directly to the right of newbie ponders

and asks for a ruling........

It's not rookie night, and the cardroom manager calls the rookie for a moodie (can only check/call rest of hand)

Matey calls!!!

It's checked down

Rookie turns over AA for quads, surprise surprise

Matey turns over 77 for a boat Sevens and Aces

Pandemonium!

in the break matey is asked why he called

the answer


" i'm not good enough to fold a full house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

stories are great guys..especially the old guy wi the teeth

mine i`m still wondering about it and forgive me if i dont explain properly.
 i`m even stacked with 2 other guys at a table and the rest are low stacked. i`m late position and nearly all have folded so i raise with pocket 3`s(trying to buy the pot). sb folds and bb flat calls.
flop comes k 3 A rainbow. I raise as its not the kind of table to trap on...they all bet mad!. one guy folds and bb calls.
turn is a A giving me fh. I bet out large approx 50% of stack as i am not sure if he`s holding pocket A and he flat calls again.
river is a 3 so i call all in which he calls quicker than a quick thing from quicksville.
we turn and he shows A Q off suit giving him set of aces.

he then starts ranting like a maniac about players playing crap cards and having no idea...now i`m still pretty novicey but he flat called a fishing raise from me and then i catch the flop. On review he`s never ahead and is not trying to bet me off the pot at any stage. If he had been trying to trap me it backfired.

i told him this and got another mouthfull(and also mentioned he was unlucky to run into quad 3`s)..i then put him out with ak on the next hand to another diatribe - i never knew some of those big words he used on me but i`m sure they questioned my lineage.

Am i a diddy for playing pocket 3 aggressively or is he just one of the foam at the mouth types

if its me i`m going back to poker school

No on the quad 3's hand you did fine. nice hand

he didn't re-raise you pre flop or post flop so never found out he was losing

 

Thanks tight end...i thought i had played it ok and ok ended up with 2 decent hands where i was top....sometimes i just never seem sure how to play small pockets but generally treat them as dangerous as i`ve had to fold them too often to overcards.

that aside the guy was a ranter so i ended up giving as good as i got on principle...whilst still smiling..nice to be nice in life ;D


and i`d have gotten up and left the quad aces table as these guys are just mad and bad enough to kill me with laughter - stage whispers its the stuff of carry on movies ;D ;D

i suppose most of flat call the lowish pocket pairs and throw them away to a raise pre-flop or if not hitting a set post flop

However, and this is in the "don't try this at home" category, I did see ElBlondie recommending via Grandad that he might flat call his pair in early position and then re-raise a raiser representing AA/KK!

No, I'm not that good either!

I once played a hand with 7 limpers in, flop A K J rainbow.
All check and turn is Q, again all check and river is 10.........no flush draw anywhere so,
I announce ALLIN and push my stack in the middle, amazingly 3 people fold.
I thought it was funny, not even newbies either!!

ifm thats uncanny....saw something similar meself. i wasnt in the pot but just as you called it happened and one guy/gilr goes all in and other person folded.
asked him why he folded and the answer was....wait for it.....he might have had a higher kicker card than me....

was too stunned initially to say anything but when explained it to him the groan was like something from a  dodgy dutch movie ;D

This was definitely a potential inclusion, but 10 was such a rounded number.  :D

However, considering I accidentally wrote two 6s, maybe I should have gone up to 20. - I think there's plenty more.  8)

I've got a lucky urinal at the Gala.

Sometimes I'm forced to queue up for it even when all the others are free.  :-[

I don't think there's much wrong with how you played it. On an agressive table, sometimes betting into some1 isn't a bad idea, especially if he's called a raise and the flop comes with a king and a bullet. You will often be treated to a reraise. If you'd checkraised then he may have folded up and not even seen the ace on the turn.

That's the beauty of the game I guess, there's are lots of ways of playing hands and there isn't always just the 1 correct way.

I was once at a table in the Gala when Kim Costa was narrating a brisk anecdote.

Kim said that he had a m8 once who had just gone out of a comp and was seeking feedback on his hand.

The fella said, 'Listen to this and tell me if I played it wrong or not. I was under the gun with Ace 7 --

Kim stops him there in mid flow and says, 'You played it wrong.'  8)

Just goes to show, doesn't matter how the rest of the hand played out, if he hadn't been so attached to his raggy ace, then he'd still be in the comp.

 :)

Sage words by Kim Costa...

i suppose its the "if i`d stayed in bed he never would have beat me" way of thinking

too many variables and they all play out differently...damn i`m beginning to sound like that wee fat baldy giuy out the orange advert..
time for a valium ::)

Blimey, what a terrific thread, and those teeth, still talking after the bloke had stopped, real tea spluttering stuff.

Small pairs? I kinda thought the whole idea of calling with baby pars was to hit a set, and get handsomely paid, they are useless in any other scenario. Ignore his rantings, there are too many bad losers out there.

TightEnd. Who might Grandad be, pray tell me?

sorry, it's great uncle bulgaria next time then