blonde poker forum

I liked the punchlines topic    :goodpost:  . how about one liners???







What colour does a Smurf go when you choke it?

how come evaporated milk is still there?

Angry parent " I'll take my hand OFF your face!!!!"

"If you break your leg, don't come running to me!"

" where did you lose it ?!!! "

Dont look at me in that tone of voice


Do you want a slap

Would a kick in the testicles be out of the question?

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced

im not one to nit pick, but surely thats a two liner?  8)

How many lines does it use up on the screen? On my monkey computer it's one and therefore in monkey land that's a one liner...... :) maybe the thread should have been titled something less ambe, less ambigo, less ambigus, something different!!

I've told you a million times stop exaggerating!

I'm somewhat of a b*tch myself but occasionally I like a professional to take over...please carry on...

  ;tk;         Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Boycott shampoo!  ;tracet;  Demand real poo

A specialist is someone who learns more & more about less & less until they know absolutely everything about nothing. :dontask:

"I'd never join a club that would have ME as a member."
GROUCHO MARX

 ;iagree; There's another topic for ya. "Quotes"  ;tk;







I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. ;cheerleader;

Never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few!

 I was gonna be a doctor but I had no patience ;technophobe;

Ring Ring .Ring Ring.(land line).." where are you"

Who's coat's that jacket?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching their mother-in-law. My neighbour said, "Are you going to help?" I said "No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all-nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

I was complimented on my driving today, someone left a note on my screen that said parking fine   8)

how important to u have to be before ur labeled as assinnated instead of murdered?

can u cry under water?

why is bread square and sandwich meat round?

can blind people dream?

why does donald duck walk about with no trousers, yet he wears a towel when he gets out the bath?

why does pluto walk on 4 legs and goofy on 2 (they are both dogs)

why would anyone put garlic on bread?

why does my girlfiend INSIST on paying an extra £2.50 for stuff crust when she doesnt like the crust?

and why o why when she was making chocolate chip cookies did she try and peel smarties!!

thanks for the clarification

Because goofy is a talking dog and pluto isnt.

thank you too

All talking dogs I know have two legs too

its a cartoon animal type thing, being the king of the swingers - the jungle VIP, i sometimes am privvy to some extra info. All cartoon animals who are given the ability to talk also then have the option of being able to walk on two legs if necessary - almost humanesque (usually to aid the person drawing the cartoon).......

Pluto hasnt got the ability to talk and so he remains on 4 legs........

'cause it tastes nice. :)up

that's very wise. I actually know a lot of people like that ;)

Two Canibals eating a clown one said "does this taste funny to you?"

this one was suppossed to be a chat up line. it happened in the early 90s at a prince concert in manchester. the guy said to me 'anyone ever told you you have spanner eyes?. I said no, do you mean spaniel eyes (i dont have them either). he said ' no spanner eyes, every time i look at you my nuts tighten'.......lmao. i thought it was hilarious

sosrry its not a 1 liner but funny enough to tell

Never heard that one!! LOL

The Americans are trying to make up for their late arrival in the last two World Wars by being really punctual for this one.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
a fast one".

The third time today i've been to my joke vault - great stuff - forgotten most of these - some classic tommy cooper one liners here.....

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said"Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

 So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire
at the factory that makes them.  The fire brigade have tried everything.

 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.

 So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

 You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

 The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I
said "Do you get my drift?".

 So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".

 I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.
  It was a bit choppy.

 So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with  a
red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

 But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

 Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it
will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

 So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

 You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

 So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",he said "Not you again".

 So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth.  It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You
remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

 Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

 And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

 So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a  barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".

 So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

 And an aeroplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no  salivas.

 I saw a bloke playing "Dancing Queen" on the digeredoo.  I thought "thats
abba-riginal".

Poker is 50% luck, 30% observation and 30% mathematics.

a teacher once said to me "you're about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest!"