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Poker Forums => The Rail => Topic started by: ifm on January 28, 2006, 06:49:49 PM



Title: Being a man
Post by: ifm on January 28, 2006, 06:49:49 PM
1, OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Lightweight. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond: "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the 'em in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk, however, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant, pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad woman?"

23, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there and I may be some time.



Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: I KNOW IT on January 28, 2006, 07:51:36 PM
Leaving the toilet seat up


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: RED-DOG on January 28, 2006, 08:23:01 PM
Being impressed by very loud or very smelly farts

(especially your own)


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: thetank on January 28, 2006, 08:27:21 PM
Assembling flat pack furniture without the instructions. Utilising a few random fixtures from your big box of miscellaneous bits in the process. Tossing the bits left over back into aforementioned box.

The only help you'll accept from women is asking them to hold a piece of wood steady for much longer than is necessary and having a cuppa brewed up for you.


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: The_nun on January 28, 2006, 08:29:50 PM
I think this is all getting a tad out of hand


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: The_nun on January 28, 2006, 08:32:44 PM
After all.. if vibrators could mow the lawn.. who'd need you....


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: Robert HM on January 28, 2006, 08:36:03 PM
 :redcard:


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: thetank on January 28, 2006, 08:39:20 PM
I love being a bloke. Great post ifm.


19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."


Fishing - Plonking your arse on a lake with yer pal and hardly saying two words to him all day. Both having a kick ass time.


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: I KNOW IT on January 28, 2006, 08:43:40 PM
Being impressed by very loud or very smelly farts

(especially your own)
except Roger Brushs'. they are lethal


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: snoopy1239 on January 28, 2006, 08:44:00 PM
I have to confess, I'm not sure that I do any of these. eek  :o :o :o


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: The_nun on January 28, 2006, 08:44:45 PM
So you dont think women can do the same aye Tank... Please don't generalise.. it has taken 41 long years of my life to be who i am now...I


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: RED-DOG on January 28, 2006, 08:47:38 PM
Taking command of the barbeque, burning everything, then pretending to enjoy it


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: snoopy1239 on January 28, 2006, 08:48:18 PM
So you dont think women can do the same aye Tank... Please don't generalise.. it has taken 41 long years of my life to be who i am now...I

But surely you're still in your thirties?!


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: Robert HM on January 28, 2006, 08:49:23 PM
After all.. if vibrators could mow the lawn.. who'd need you....

Don't come running to me when your batteries are depleted.












Call me first, make sure I'm in.


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: RFC on January 28, 2006, 08:54:52 PM
 rotflmfao rotflmfao


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: TightEnd on January 28, 2006, 08:55:31 PM


Call me first, make sure I'm in.


if she knows you have that problem, I doubt she'll call


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: thetank on January 28, 2006, 08:57:24 PM

So you dont think women can do the same aye Tank... Please don't generalise.. it has taken 41 long years of my life to be who i am now...I


Never said that women can't do the same, just saying us men do it. ruff ruff


After all.. if vibrators could mow the lawn.. who'd need you....


Just for you Nun...




[attachment deleted by admin]


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: The_nun on January 28, 2006, 08:57:47 PM
Batteries? what are they for? .. I have a genorater mate.... :D


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: I KNOW IT on January 28, 2006, 08:59:31 PM
My wife lost 2 teeth practising oral sex with the one i got her :D


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: Jim-D on January 28, 2006, 09:03:10 PM
My wife lost 2 teeth practising oral sex with the one i got her :D


 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: RED-DOG on January 28, 2006, 09:04:43 PM
We tried a 69, but I farted

She said "Thats it, I can't stand another 68 of those Ba***rds"


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: charmaine on January 28, 2006, 09:14:30 PM
After all.. if vibrators could mow the lawn.. who'd need you....
rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: thetank on January 28, 2006, 09:17:14 PM
The automatic mower still costs £1250.

Going to toil in the fields yourselves for that?  ;hide;

Ok, now you can dig at me.(If you can find me)  ;scarymoment;


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: Robert HM on January 28, 2006, 09:27:48 PM


Call me first, make sure I'm in.


if she knows you have that problem, I doubt she'll call

I was going to say "make sure I am up" but I thought some tacky minded person would read something into that comment.  8)


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: Karabiner on January 28, 2006, 09:42:37 PM
We tried a 69, but I farted

She said "Thats it, I can't stand another 68 of those Ba***rds"

Is that what they call a "sixty-eight and owe you one" ?


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: bundle on January 28, 2006, 09:50:17 PM
Ah being a man...

Walking in the door and the wife and kids are in a flap because they can't get the xmas tree lights working. The wife saying "somethings wrong with this plug" 

 "Give it here woman"  yanking the wires out the plug with your bare hands, jamming the wires into the socket and thrusting the plug in after them, and hearing the kids scream "They work they work"..

Tis all mans work


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: Trace on January 28, 2006, 09:50:50 PM
Just sat and read these and I'm still peeing myself.   Fantastic post IFM.

I have a thin piece of wood in my shed for stirring paint with, shame I haven't got any paint tho.  lol

Oh and the last one taking a paper to the loo - I just leave magazines in the loo for him now..  Poker mags  =  good poo read!  lmao

I'm sad to say I'd rather have my man than a vibrator any day....  but then again both of them together ????!!!!??!?!?!?!?!?


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: bolt pp on January 29, 2006, 03:10:51 AM
Pushing on a public door marked "pull" for five minuites, then, once you've noticed the sign, carrying on for another ten because your sure you've nearly broken it.

Trying  to pretend the cups of tea you've just made arn't burning your hands so badly you want to cry.

ALWAYS turn straight to the back of the newspaper!!!!!!!


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: Lancy Howard on January 29, 2006, 07:28:22 AM
Watching the footy or something just as manly, poker racing etc, your choice after all who OWNS the remote control ? whilst completely ignoring what she is saying to you but nodding and smiling in what you are randomly guessing are the appropriate places, then hearing something mid sentance that interests you and then making her completely repeat the whole last five minutes (making out you didnt actually hear rather than just wasnt listening) then realising the bit that interested you isnt actually all that interesting after all and instanlty reverting back to the smiling nodding but taking no notice whatsoever mode. 

Champion !


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: The Dundonian on January 29, 2006, 07:34:35 AM
"I don't need to ask anyone woman, I know where I'm going!!!"


Title: Re: Being a man
Post by: tikay on January 29, 2006, 05:21:26 PM
CLASSIC Post by ifm. He's not judst a pretty face.