blonde poker forum

Blonde joke quickies
Q: Why do blondes insist on guys wearing condoms?
A: So they'll have a doggie bag for later.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps,the other is a walrus

Q: What does a blonde say after she graduates from college?
A: "Hi, welcome to McDonalds."

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's Tipex on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the same computer?
A: There's writing on the Tipex.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies?
A. He had to -- his wife kept getting pregnant!

Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.

 :blonde:

LOL I liked them!

i was bored , and i like the blonde jokes 8)

Q.  how do u make a blonde laugh on a saturday night?

A. tell her a joke on the wednesday!.................

Q. why do blondes sleep with a ruler?

A. so they know how long they have been sleeping!............

Q. wot do u call a blonde with a GCSE?

A.  a genius!

Q.  wot do u call a blonde with 2 GCSE?

A.  a liar!

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao keep em coming.

Here is some advice for blondes


1 Before  attempting to remove stubborn stains from a  garment,  always  circle the stain in  permanent pen,
so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of  the
stain and check  that it has gone.

2 Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.  Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

3 An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

4 A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

5 Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 :dontask:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
 

 
 
 
The male response
 
 
 
 
Thingy
Male: That bit we're supposed to lick!
Female: That thing they always want us to suck! EEEuuuggghh!

Vulnerable
Male: Whatever is dangling between my legs!
Female: Feelings, full stop.

Communication
Male: Nag, Nag ,Nag!
Female: You never talk to me!

Commitment
Female: You fancy her! ( as you look at a ninety year old granny!)
Male: What woman babe? I had my eyes removed last week just to keep you happy!

Entertainment
Female: As long as I can cry!
Male: As long as it doesn't make me cry!

Flatulence
Female: Did you do that?
Male: Yess! ( just to save her blushes!)
 

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it takes the prize.
____________________

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 
 
 
 
 
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
Man says: ?But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

 
 

 
 
 
1.
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

2.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

3.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

4.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

5.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

6.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

8.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

9.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

10.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

11.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

12.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
And send this to five bright men who have the sense of humor to find this funny!
PS AT LEAST FINDING 5 BRIGHT WOMEN IS POSSIBLE!

 
 
 
 
Men are like... Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like... Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like... Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like... Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like... Chocolate. Sweet, smooth,and usually headed right for your hips.

Men are like... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night.

Men are like... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like... Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like... Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... Horoscopes. Always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like... Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they'll last.

 
 
 
 
 
 

any other e-mail Inboxes need emptying?

 ;hide;

Ahhhh - memories of the CID christmas parties....... :blonde:

I arrived late, she never knew I was there.

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Just Great

OK so I've just started going to the gym again, and I get this.... great for the motivation!!!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
>
>     Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
>     true?
>
>     A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
>     waste
>     them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
>     heart
>     will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
>     life of
>     your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a nap.
>
>     Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>
>     A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
>    Hay and  corn   And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
>     efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
>     grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
>     vegetable).
>
>     And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance
>     of  vegetable products.
>
>     Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>
>     A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
>     that  means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
>     more of  the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
> Bottoms up!
>
>     Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>
>     A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
>      one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>
>     Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
>     exercise  program?
>
>     A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
>     Pain...Good!
>
>     Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>
>     A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
>     oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
>     be bad  for  you?
>
>     Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
>     middle?
>
>     A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
>     should
>     only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
>     Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>
>     A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's
>     the best feel-good food around!
>
>     Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>
>     A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>
>     Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>
>     A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
>
>     Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
>     about  food and diets.
>
>     And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
>     intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
>     rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
>     body  thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
>     Ride!"

Who said romance is dead in Ireland!
 
These are actual advertisements from the Lonely Heart column of 'Ireland's Own', a monthly magazine which prides itself on being very quirky! Well its readers are certainly quirky and/or possessed of a good sense of humour! 
 
 
Grossly overweight Louth turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
 
Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area. 
 
Galway man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. 
 
Bitter, disillusioned Kerry man ! lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. 
 
Ginger-haired Galwegian troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. 
 
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. 
 
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. 
 
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady with chest. 
 
Devil-wor! shiper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. 
 
Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition, who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! 
 
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 pm and 11.30 pm. 
 
Optimistic Mayo man 35, seeks blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.

Is this the record for the longest posts in one thread ?

 :kiv:

Love that one!!

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
 
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
 
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
 
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
 
"To the kitchen" he replies.
 
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
 
"Sure."
 
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
 
"No, I can remember it."
 
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
 
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
 
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
 
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
 
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
 
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
 
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

I might aswell join in




A  Blondes Year in Review

January  - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February  - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in  typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw  puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on  escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make  Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
won't fit into those little  packets!!!

June  - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find  a lake with a slope.


July - Lost breast stroke swimming  competition.....learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their  arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car  swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of  California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for  4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh  108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no  "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!

What a  year!!

 ;tk;

Kool Aid = ;yellowcard;

911 = ;yellowcard;

 :redcard: for being too Yankee.

 ;iagree;


Oops, Should've edited it.

erm ?? Lemsip ?

and no 99 button on her phone ???

Hmm... Doesn't work

 :dontask: rotflmfao