blonde poker forum

There has been a 2 year study by a proffesor of something from the university of somewhere to find the funniest joke ever!
This was the winner, what do you think?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

My personal favourite is this one:

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"

 rotflmfao

Tank? Fish? What are you trying to say about our favourite STT robot?

 :D

"Two fish in a tank.... " that's mine too !!

The other could be:-

Two parrots on a perch - one says to the other - "Do you smell fish ?"

 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish









(I've already got my coat)

Bloke walks into a bar and says "ouch!!"

I know i've told it before but it was a while back and its the only funny joke i know!!

One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfes the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......

Two(insert the nationality of your choice here) workers are working on a pavement one long hot sunny day.

The first one digs a big hole in the pavement and the second man immeadiatly fills it in.

A bemused bystander watches them do this for about 5 minutes and decides to approach them.

"Excuse me lads" he says"what on earth are you doing, digging holes just to fill them in, what are you achieving"

One of the workers responds"usually were a three man team but the guy that plants the trees is off sick today"

What do you do if a bird sh**s on your car?

Don't take her out again.

tank!

I expect better

How uncooth  :D

Take you'r car to the dry cleaners, not telling you again!!

Tank....If the car is made out of suede see your other thread.

(Trying to be helpful as always!)

 :D :D

I like the variations on the "My wife's gone to the West Indies...........Jamaica?.....No she went of her own accord" theme.

The two I know are:

My wife's gone to Indonesia.............Jakarta?.............No she went by plane!

and


My wife's gone to a casino in the Himalayas........Tibet?...............Well why else would she go?

Dont know where my missus is going her holidays, Alaska.

 10 cows standing in a field, which one is from the middle east?



















 coo eight

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.


"how much?" he asks the bartender.

"you're a neutron right?" says the bartender.

"yes"

"in that case there's no charge."

a termite walks into a pub and says 'is the bar tender here?'

a guy who, at this time of his life is very low, his wife has left him and taken the kids, he is in heaps of debt and living rough.
  One night after finishing his 6th can of tennants super strength, decides to pluck up the courage to jump off london bridge.
   Just as he is about to jump over, he hears sleigh bells and low and behold santa arrives on his sleigh.
     "i hope your not going to jump off this bridge to your death" santa says
   "well there is nothing left for me" the man replies, explaining to santa how his life has gone from bad to worse recently.
"don't be too hasty ive got something that may make you change your mind"  " i will grant you three wishes"
already bemused by the situation the man agrees as lets face it he has nothing else to lose!!
  the first wish of having his wife and kids back is granted by santa with a click of his fingers. The second wish of £1million in cash is granted in the same manner. Steve is thinking about his third when he says, "to be honest santa, these are the only two things that i want, ill let you have my final wish" santa thanks him and explains that nobody has ever given a wish away.

Santa then explains to the man that he is a homosexual, and given that he is on business all day, that he hasnt had much sex in a while.  "my wish, explains santa, is to bend you over the sleigh and give you a good seeing to"

the man  looks shocked however agrees as he fears that if he does not, his 2 wishes would be taken away.

So santa starts out having sex with the man, when he taps the man on the shoulder and asks,

  "sorry i didnt get your name"   

  "steve" the man replies
 
"and how old are you steve"

"36"

"   really.............  and you still believe in santa"

Snail walks into a pub, gets himself up to the bar
"Can i have a pint of your finest beer please"
Bartender picks up the snail takes him over to the door
and throws him out as far as he can.
6 months later the snail walks back into the pub and says
"What d'you do that for?"

Two elephants fall off a cliff. Boom boom!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. Feeling the cold, they lit a fire in the craft, It sank, proving once and for all, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

"Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs"

"I know, I've just cut your arms off"

A man walks into a bar and sits down at a table.

He calls the bartender over and says "look" and pulls a minature piano out of his pocket and sets it on the table.

Then he pulls a 12 inch man out of the other pocket and sets it near the piano- the little man sits down and begins to play.

The bartender is amazed and asks" wow, where did you get that?"

The man pulls a dusty old lamp out of his pocket and says " I rubbed this and wished for it"

He hands the lamp to the bartender, who rushes into the backroom, gives it a rub and says," i wish i had a million bucks"

All of the sudden, a million ducks flew out from the back of the bar......the bartender walks over to the man at the bar and says,

"hey! i just wished for a million bucks, and instead it gave me a million ducks....what's going on?"

the man replied " do you really think i wished for a 12 inch pianist??!!!!!!"

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this a joke?"

Michael Owen goes into a nightclub, he moves on to the dance floor and starts dancing with a woman. After about 5 minuites he says to her

"fancy coming back to my place for a shag"

the woman replies "you're a little forward arent you"

;applause; ;D

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

what's white and can't climb trees?



a fridge

a man walks into a bar and with a pained look upon his face asking the barman for 14 double jack daniel's. The barman a little concered for the man lines 14 jack daniel's on bar only for the man to down all 14 in 1.

after the man has downed all the drinks the barman says "how come you just downed them like that mate? is everything ok?"

the man turns round and says to the barman "mate, if you had i what i had you would down them in 1"

the barman asks nervously "what have you got mate?"

the man replies "a quid"

did you hear Mick Hucknall got caught trying to F**k a rabbit ?
Apparently he was " Holding back the ears "
But the " Bunny was to tight to mention "

Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to court to sort their divorce out.

The judge addresses Mickey.

"Mr Mouse, just to confirm the reason you have filed for divorce. You claim that Mrs Mouse looks ridiculous? "

"No I said i want a divorce because she's f***ing GOOFY!"

Lmao. Thank you very much.

Thats not funny, my fridge fell from a tree and broke it's egg

Now that's funny.  :D

What's green and hard?










A bogey in a crash helmet.

 :redcard: sarcasm

I assure you it wasn't.

It brought a genuine guffaw to my vocal cords and a sincere smile to my face.

First thing in the A.M., that's no easy task.

What's pink and hard?










A pig with a flick knife.

Why is a fat woman like a moped? They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.

and before anyone takes offence.. I am no twiggy myself

A man is on business in a small town far from home. He finishes up his meetings early for the day and decides to get a drink at the local pub. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As the barman is pouring the pint the man notices a trophy covered in dust sitting atop the liqour cabinet. He asks the bartender "What's with the trophy?" The bartender laughs and says, "Oh that, it's been here since my dad ran this pub, he said he would give the trophy to whoever could perform 'The Three Tasks'" The man is intrigued and asks what these tasks are. The bartender then says "Well task one is you must drink the flaming tornado, a drink my father invented that no one can keep down. The second is you must go out back to the alley and remove a bad tooth from a viscious dog that has been there for as long as anyone can remember. The third is you must go across the street to an old women who never married give her a night of pleasure, somehting she has never had." The man is a bit taken aback and says thanks, but no thanks. The man then proceeds to drink his pint in peace. One pint becomes two, two becomes three, and before he realises, the man is very drunk. With this drunkeness, comes bravery, and with this bravery comes an idea. The man stumbles up to the bar and announes for all to hear that he will perform the three tasks. The barman tries to dissuade him but the man is adament...he will do it. The man then calls for a flaming tornado, and the locals take notice of this and cheer the man on. The man takes a look at the drink before him, lets out a laugh and downs the drink in one go. The barman cannot believe it, the locals cheer him and chant "Task 2, Task 2!". The man then yells, "Out of my way", He then makes his way to the back alley and the viscious dog that lives there. A few moments pass, then the dog begins barking and snarling. All the locals are still in the pub and some begin doubting the man's quest. Suddenly the dog's barking and snarling turns to yelping and crying. Then...silence. The man comes back into the bar and says "Now...where is that old women with the bad tooth"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's
have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."


"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"



"No, because he's really heavy"

 A duck walks into a pub, approaches the bar and asks the barman ' got any bread?'
 'sorry no, we haven't ' replies the barman.
 'got any bread?' the duck enquires again
 ' I just told you , no' says the barman
 'got any bread?'
 'NO' shouts the bartender
 'got any bread?'
 'FFS I keep telling you, WE HAVE NO F**KING  BREAD!' screams the irritated guy.
 'got any bread?'
 'look this is the last time I'm gonna tell you, we absolutely do not have any bread'
 'got any bread?' the duck persists
 'OK I'm warning you, If you ask me if we have any bread one more time, I swear I'll nail your f**king beak to this bar'
 there was silence for a moment, then the duck enquires,
 'got any nails?'
 ' erm, no' says the barman
 'got any bread?'

I had to go to the bank earlier today.

There was a little old lady at the cashpoint. She said.........Young man can you check my balance for me?

I said.......of course I can            and pushed her over!

 I Know I shouldn't BUT...rotflmfao rotflmfao

what kind of biscuits can fly?



the wee Plane ones

Knock knock...

Who's there...

Interrupting cow...

Interrupting cow wh......

MOOOOOOOOOOO

(sorry)

One of my particluar favorites JungleCat  rotflmfao :)up :goodpost:

the other day an ice-cream man was found dead in the back of his van. On arrival the police found that he had raspberry source all over him, nuts in his ears and a flake in each of his eyes.






apparantly he topped himself

Frankie Dettori was racing a hot favourite at ascot, just as the reached the furlong marker, a pork pie came flying through the air and hit frankie straight on the nose ... a few strides later a ham sandwich was thrown and again hit him, then a few small sausage rolls and cheese sticks, more sandwiches and finally a 2 liter bottle of coke all hit him .. he ended up dropping his hands and finishing second ... when he returned to the unsaddling enclosure, the trainer was furious and demanded an explanation as to why Frankie didnt win the race ..... Frankie replied..












"sorry gaffer, we got hampered in the final furlong"