blonde poker forum

Dee won in tha BB hoose.

The hoosemeets have bin set the task of winning this weeks shopping boodget by not swearing for 15 minutes. They failed the task when Bolt told Big Brootha to go **** himself.

[Cut to housemates arguing in the garden][/i]

Flushy: LOL foodshortage-aments

IFM : Bolt you big twat, you've failed the task for us grrrr

BOLT: If you find the discommodious manner of my maverick nature uncomfortable, then you can go **** yourself too!

IFM: Huh?

Flushy : LOL arguments

IFM: well some of us are going to go hungry and I won't be one of them!

Flushy: LOL hungry-aments? LOL no-way-im-not-eating-aments! Insta-panic!

Nemesis: It's pretty clear we need a poll. Please vote 1) flushy goes hungry 2) Bolt goes hungry 3) someone else goes hungry 4) we eat each other

IFM: 2.

Flushy: 4.

BOLT: 5.

IFM: There's no 5 Bolt. What's wrong with you ffs.

BOLT: Anarchic choices are inevitable when I'm presented with such a facile and ultimately inconsequential decision.

IFM, Nemesis, Flushy: LOL huh?

FLushy: (aments)

PorncityUK: See anna kournikova topless at www.big****ies.com.

Nemesis, Flushy: LOL insta-ban!

rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

What he said!!!!!!!!!! and some!!!!!!!!!!!!!

literally ROTFL, blinding!!!!!

yeah to be fair i should probably treble my laughing post and maybe more, im still having a laughing fit right now!

Absolute class.  ;tightend;

Arise Lord Jungle Cat.

Top class JungleCat   rotflmfao  ;tightend; ;tightend;

 ;applause;

Your Awesome JC.

A ++. Would Read Again.

Haha great, poor flushy

Haha quality :D

Now that does lighten the mood..superb...

 rotflmfao   ;applause;

Bendigedig :)up

LOL veryfunny-aments

superb JC  :)up

 rotflmfao  ;tightend;    ;applause;

Superb as always Cat, keep 'em coming!

Absolute Class!!!!

"LOL arguments"  that was where the tea nearly came out and the office sighed again  rotflmfao rotflmfao

InstaLOL

looks like flushy has made a rod for his own back

absolute top quality

Lost me tea just reading the title!!!  Will be cleaning the computer corner for the next week...but well worth it!!!  LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

JC for Mod!

 rotflmfao rotflmfao

Am still laughing at this!!

 rotflmfao

JC's posts can walk on water  ;tightend;

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

Funniest thing I've read in bloody ages,

Top man JC

Next episode pleeeeeeeeeeeeease  ;applause; ;applause; ;applause; rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

I thiknk kev should go in if there is a food shortage, it would help his diet. Any chance of any norkage in the house as only Flushy is happy with a house full of men

A+ thread delivers

 :goodpost: ;iagree;  there must be enough action from day two by now?

Can't wait for the next instal-a-ment

pmsl

Class!!   rotflmfao

Dee two in the big brootha hoose. Big Brootha has told BOLT to inform the hoosemeets they must perform the village people song YMCA to earn this week's loogshury shopping boodget.

The hoosemeets have bin geeven a scrabble board to help pass the time.

[Cut to living room. Flushy walks in dressed in tight leather, wearing a big false moustache]

IFM: I see you're preparing for the task flushy...

FLushy: Huh what task??
 
Back in the bedroom, Bolt and Nemesis are plehhyin' scrabble.

NEMESIS : "Credible" with a double word score. 15 points. Beat that mofo.

BOLT: "Pseudoantidisestablishmentarianism" ...through a triple word score, 3 double letters and a quadruple BINGO super pwnage bonus for exceeding the perimeters of the board....598 points. whistles cheerfully

NEMESIS: I hate playing you Bolt.

[BOLT sticks out his tongue.]

[In walks the new housemate, Sofa King. He immediately walks over to the scrabble board and boots it, sending all the pieces flying]

NEMESIS: What the heck did you do that for!

SOFA KING: Sorry lads, just hate scrabble. It's rigged. Last time I played I didn't get enough commas to make a single word ALL GAME. Total bulls**t I tells ya.....

BOLT: Perhaps you should consider chanelling your belligerent behaviour into a letter to the designers, delineating your concerns in written form and promising ruthless retribution should they fail to respond to your criticism.

SOFA KING/ NEMESIS: HUH?
[IFM walks in holding a little humming machine]

IFM: Right, I've had it with BOLT so I've designed this little machine to help us understand what the f*** he's on about. It's called the ASBO ANALYZER and translates the garbage he talks into common or garden every day talk. Let's see what he just said.

  IFM Presses button on the machine

MACHINE: Look geezer, just send them dongs at mattel a le-uh right tellin em you'll kick s**t out of em unless they f****in' sort it, RIGHT!

BOLT: I find the machinations of your ingenious invention most curious. Its amusing transposition of vocabulary leaves me breathless, bewildered and in awe of its capacity for conversion!

IFM: *sigh!* Presses button

MACHINE: Works like a treat! SWEEEEEEET BRUV!

[Flushy walks into the room, mincing along]

NEMESIS: I see you've been practicing your walk for the task flushy.

Flushy: Huh, what task?

Oh this could run and run .... TOP STUFF  rotflmfao ;yippee; rotflmfao ;yippee; rotflmfao ;applause; ;applause;

Wonderful!!

 ;tightend; ;tightend; :D

Brilliant stuff, can we extend the ban?   rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Got my day off to a right cheerful start..tx..

Brilliant!  ;tightend; ;tightend; rotflmfao rotflmfao

Executive Proposal - this MUST go in Best of blonde.

All those in favour, say......

Hi

 ;tightend; rotflmfao

Insta-ayeaments

agree

(http://www.snazzycat.com/oscommerce/catalog/images/silver_alphabet_beads_letter_I.gif)

Do we get to vote on friday who is to be evicted back to Blonde?

Sheer class!!

Geo

aye


(still say there needs to be some norkage in there though)

AYE

With her current avatar, surely the nun must be sent in

Fucking hilarious, quality stuff. I vote for extending the ban so we can get more updates.

(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:100uJbeMn0rSrM:http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/65/Eye_iris.jpg)

Deffo for best of blonde. 

What would make this thread even better would be if one of the photoshop whizz kids could add some illustrations.....

Excellent...

I thought that was a binary dice for a second...

 ;popcorn; ;tightend; ;applause;

Aye

Dee Three In the Beeg Brootha hoose. A new hoosemeet has been sent into the hoose. The uther hoosements are gathered in the living room to greet them...

Nemesis: Oooh hope they've sent us in a nice hot chick like Isabelle Mercier!

IFM: As long as it's not that Vicky Coren. I mean she's knocking on a bit these days. Talk about over rated!

SOFA KING: Knocking on? She's 26 isn't she?

IFM: EXACTLY!


[Doors open and in walks Indestructable Ed]

Ed: Hi GUYS I'm Ed! [slowly turns to face the nearest camera. Flicks hair]
You may remember me from such gameshows as Casino Casino and The Weakest Link. [winks]


Flushy/Nemesis/IFM/SofaKing: *sigh* HI Ed

Bolt: wotcha mate

[housemates all turn and face BOLT]

Flushy/IFM: Huh?

Nemesis: Sorry Bolt? No "Salutations" ? No "congratulations for the supplementation of our social syndicate?" What's wrong with you man?

Bolt: DONT KNOW geez, feel a bit ill like. Got banged on the bonce by the big lad, Sofa King, when we was playin scrabble...

Sofa King: Well we were playing in the kitchen and he was takin the piss! I had some blank tiles so managed to finally get a word p,,,i,,n and he said  "commiserations, i cannot assent to the veracity of such a declaration. You have exceeded the boundaries of taste and correct grammar and as such I must dismiss your invalid invocation"

Load of b*****cks obviously. I used IFM's ASBO ANALYZER and it said "Pull the other one you muppet, it's got bells on son" so I lost it and twatted him on the head with a nearby mustard jar!

Flushy: LOL condiments!

Ed: Ahhh, yes this is quite common behaviour. On the previous game shows I've been on, often contestants get a little narky with each other. I remember when I was on 15-1, I was telling another contestant about the time I was on Countdown when I told Carol Vorderman a funny story about when I was on Eggheads, when another contestant had a pop at me for "showing off" Haha AS IF!

IFM: Ed, you're not even looking at us.

Ed: [completely facing camera] Yep some people are just too wrapped up in their own affairs to notice how many gameshows I've been on.

[sounds of booing and shouting are heard from outside]

[IFM, Nemesis, Flushy and BOLT rush into the garden, leaving Ed talking to the camera]

[Loud jeering and angry shouting is heard from beyond the garden wall]

RANDOM VOICE : BOO, Get IFM OUT. Coren's HOT, IFM's NOT!

RANDOM VOICE [shouting]: IFM sucks more than a toddler and it's not even close.

IFM: What the heck have I done?

TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT: HOOSEMEETS, THIS EES BEEG BROOTHA. A LARGE MOB FROM HENDON HAS GATHERED OOOTSIDE THE HOOSE. PLEASE GET INTA THE HOOSE WHILE WE SORT IT OUT.

Flushy: LOL Mobaments!

Nemesis: Oops IFM, you should never have had a pop at Vicky!

Bolt: Those nob-jockeys want a rumble, they'd better be tooled up to the eyes, cos I'm in the mood to crack some skulls geezer. [picks up nearby stick and repeatedly bashes into palm of his hand]

"BRING IT ON YOU SLAAAAAGSSSS"

[Large rock is thrown over the wall and lands on bolt's head]

BOLT [EYES SPINNING]

NEMESIS: You ok pal?

BOLT: Hmm, I would conjecture that the acute contusion received by the propulsion of the lapidarian projectile has precipitated a regression to my previous verbose state.

IFM: *sigh* Presses button on ASBO ANALYZER.

MACHINE: Bang on the 'ead 'as sorted me right out guv!

RANDOM VOICE: NEIGH NEIGH A WIBBLE A WIBBLE NEIGH.

BOLT: It would appear we are under imminent threat of assault by a psychotic, equine assailant. Prudence would suggest retreat to our humble domicile as our most desirable recourse.

IFM: [Presses button on ASBO ANALYZER]

MACHINE: F***ING LEG IT, HERE COMES CRAZY HORSE!

[Large four-legged mammal, frothing liberally from its mouth is propelled over the wall into the garden and runs at the housemates]

IFM/ NEMESIS/ BOLT/ FLUSHY: RUNNNNNNNNNNNN

[Housemates run into the house, slamming the glass door behind them. They look out into the garden and see the horse's foaming mouth pressed up against the glass]

IFM: Maybe he fancies a round of golf?

Flushy: LOL condiments!

Genuine LOL moment .....  rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Wot he says.

Made me laugh out loud in my office.  I'm now getting some funny looks.

rotflmfao

I keep fearing that this will get less funny as it progresses.

I keep being wrong.

Surely the arrival of a savage horse into the garden means Sark is nearby!

Quality Rod.......Quality

The best BY FAR.

I thought this was so funny....

SOFA KING: Knocking on? She's 26 isn't she?

IFM: EXACTLY!

Until I read tjhe rest - the whole thing is superb-ament.

Absolutly top stuff.......xxxxxxx

Really really good. Mightily impressed with your work JC.

 We should do a real Blonde BB online and let ppl vote for small amounts. Obviously to give to charity, or to fund the BlueSQ boys gambling addictions.

da iawn ;applause; ;applause; ;applause;

Top class  rotflmfao

keeps getting better  ;hattip; ;applause; ;tightend;

I'm hooked, can't wait for tomorrow's installment  ;thankyou;

LOL Compliments.

lol..class...top top class!

dont tell.,im trying to get out tonight ive just put my cammo on youd think i was a plant.,.,.,.,,,.,.,.crazy horse thinks im a mare and he looks like he wants some fun.,.,.,.,.,.,.,
picture of ram to follow




class thread btw

its not just talk ram is really a crazy horsey/rammy/cowy/girly/lumberjacky/
hey hes just crazy ok.,.,.,,.,and he keeps looking at me.,.,.,
oh yeah.,.,.and hes been tango-d

The scariest picture i have ever seen, and i have seen one of tikay sleeping!!!

Written by Jungle Cat
Illustrated by sofa---king
Who could ask for more?

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Illustrated by sofa---king .,.,what does this mean???
i feel like that kid on the adds.,.,.with a triangle on his head.,.,

Brilliant stuff   ;tightend;

more more

Sheer brilliance,

Hope you'll still be contributing from Cyprus SK

Geo

Whats going on in the house.  Can i smuggle a food parcel in for flushy.

Woohoo I made it in the house.
 :dd:

I haven't been around this week as I have been in Scotland (no tv cameras) and Brum for Sky (definite tv cameras)  ;whistle;

I will post more, but first I must fill in my application for the new tv show Food Poker ( I jest not  :D )

DEE FOUR IN THA BEEG BROOOTHA HOOSE.  2 NEW HOOSEMATES MATT "demon" MYSTERY721 and TOTALISE HAVE JOINED THE UTHERS IN THA HOOSE. BIG BROOTHA HAS GIVEN THE HOUSEMATES SOME CARDS AND POKER CHIPS TO ORGANISE A POKER GAME. THA WINNER OF TONIGHT'S GAME WILL CHOOSE HOW TO SPEND THE GROUP'S SHOPPING BOODGET.



[Nemesis and Matt Mystery721 are talking alone in the bedroom. ]

Nemesis: I hope you're not thinking of playing in the big game tonight...

MATT MYSTERY721: [thinking] He's as close to a friend as there is in this place

MATT MYSTERY721: Ya. After coming 14th in the ladbrokes league, I've gotta be a big favourite.

NEMESIS: Matt, you shouldn't play these guys. They'll chew you up, take the food out of your mouth.

MATT MYSTERY721: So you say...

NEMESIS: What say we get outta here, grab some coffee, ride over to that soft scrabble game with Sofa King in the garden - Bolt's not going near it since his hayfever kicked in, he sneezes in 8 syllables - hell on his nostrils?

MATT MYSTERY721: It's not a pipedream. Listen I never told anyone this but I was in the Dog and Duck one time, it's late and Sonny Chan, the guy who finished 13th in the ladbrokes league, walks in. The whole place stops and everyone's looking over, me, Tipsy Ted, the bored barmaid - everyone. He sits at the table with a deck of cards and some chips. You know what I did? I sat down with him. I had to know.

Nemesis: What happened?

MATT MYSTERY721: We play a 50p heads up game and I just decide I don't care about the money, I'm just gonna outplay this guy. Played tight for an hour, then I win a pot

Nemesis: What with Aces? flopped a set?

MATT MYSTERY: Rags I had nohting. He riased, I re-raised, he calls. Flop comes AKK I bet, he raises, trying to bully me like I'm some fucking tourist, I reraise. He moves towards his chips, looks me in the eye, looks at his cards, had a little chuckle and said "only against you mystery" and folds Aces face up. He asks "did you have it?" "I'm sorry Sonny I don't remember", but I was a bit pissed and while sweeping up the chips I accidentally kncoked over my cards and showed my pocket Kings.

Nemesis: LOL yes very very well played.

MAtt Mystery: Yeh he had out but never got to see another card. Sweet.

Nemesis: So did you have the chip lead and go on to win.

MM721: Nah he still had me outchipped 15-1 and he won when I passed my BB despite being allin cos there was no way I was playing AK to a raise. But I knew I could cut it with the best.




TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT: COULD FLOOSHY AND TOTALISE PLEASE COOM TO THE DIARY ROOM.

[FLUSHY PUTS DOWN HIS MARMITE ON TOAST and glass of vodka red bull AND ENTERS THE DIARY ROOM with TOTALISE]

BEEG BROOTHA: Hello flushy and TOTALISE. Could you go into some detail on the poker strategy you will be employing tonight?

TOTALISE: I intend to study my opponents, see their patterns. Do they steal from position? Are they aggressive? Can I bully their blinds? Have they got a tell? What sort of hands do they like? Am i getting the correct odds? What's the tournament position? Is flushy distracted by a scissor sister's song coming on his I-pod? What's my table image, is it time to graduate my aggression increasingly according to the blind to average stack ratio? For starters....

BEEG BROOTHA: thanks and you flushy?

Flushy: LOL donkaments. Insta-push, insta-ship.

BEEG BROOTHA: Thanks.


[Housemates are gathered at the table for the game]

Beeg Brootha: Shoofle oop and deal!

IFM: Right I'm leaving the Asbo Analyzer switched on next to BOLT so he doesn't try and bamboozle us. GOOD LUCK ALL.

HOUSMATES: GOOD LUCK

BOLT: Bon chance, may a veritable abundance of positive prosperity befall you all.

AA MACHINE: GOOD LUCK GEEZERS.

[IFM deals from the button, mystery posts the small blind and nemesis the BB]

Flushy: insta-call
 
BOLT:   I care to relocate the requisite number of chips from within the confines of my  stack, beyond the extremeties of the line demarcating the area betwixt the arena of the game and my own meagre assemblage of tokens.

AA MACHINE: I call.

TOTALISE : I RAISE 200.

IFM: IM ALLIN

MYSTERY: PASS

NEMESIS: IM ALLIN

FLUSHY: VALOOOOOOOOOO...IM ALLIN

BOLT: Whilst committing such an enormous extent of my stack to a hand at such an early stage of proceedings seems to sit uncomfortably with my notions of appropriate SNG strategy and chip stack conservation, nonetheless I feel obliged to do so, as I currently am in possession of an exceptional holding.

AA MACHINE: F**K it, IM ALLLLLLIN YOU SLAGS.

TOTALISE: *SIGH* Variance. I call.

[Players turn their hands over TOTALISE has AA, BOLT HAS AA, NEMESIS HAS KK, IFM HAS KK, Flushy has 52s. IFM deals the cards, the board comes 346s and Flushy takes down the monster pot witha  straight flush.]

TOTALISE/ NEMESIS/ IFM: FFS RIGGED!

BOLT: Flushy, I find the nature of your call to be thoroughly reprehensible. There was neither the need nor the requirement to gamble so foolhardedly. I must cast doubt upon the dubious background of your parentage, and suggest some sort of canine association to be prevalent in your ancestry.

AA MACHINE: Fu**ing b****rd, son of a bitch.

[Flushy has 10,000 chips to mystery's 2000. 10 rounds of 50 100 later with flushy moiving in eveyr hand flushy has 11500 to mystery's 400]

[Flushy posts BB, mystery posts sb. Mystery min riases to 200.]

Flushy: LOL positionraise-aments. Insta-call.

Flop comes  A 9 3.

Flushy: check.

[MYSTERY bets 100. Flushy calls]

Turn is a 9.

Flushy: check-aments

Mystery: Check's good. [thinks]He's shown strength by calling my min riase and my min bet. His range is AA or 99. I have AA so Im gonna rule that out, so i guess his only holding is quads. I hope he checks it down

River is an 8.

FLUSHY: I don't think you've got a pair. INSTA-PUSH.

[mystery twiddles his chip for what seems like an hour before folding]

FLUSHY; [shows 2c4s] LOL nutlo-aments with the Jack Bauer. SHIPPETH IT.

[2 minutes later flushy wins the tournament]

Flushy: YAY I choose the food!

Nemesis: Oh no, please dont, we can't live off that flushy.

Flushy: Marmite bread vodka red bull. What more do we need. SHIP HOLLA!

Still brilliant!

I have no idea how you think these up but they are bloody good..x

Loving it

genius..each one better than the last!

So funny, truly brilliant images.

genius  ;applause; ;applause;

That Sonny Chan bit had me in tears quite literally. Utter genius :).

Quality


Mystery the legend ;tightend;

I think they should personally act out the scenes at BB5 ;applause;

 ;iagree;

Excellent.  I have sat here and chuckled for the past 20 minutes, my old dear doesn't get it she things I'm a weirdo. 

what you gonna do when  flushy gets out of the BB house this week when his bans up?

Call Ghostbusters

Put him back again maybe?

Just joking JD

i tell you what m8 im the funniest guy i know,,,but im starting to have my doubts,,,,sheer class wd 2 u ...............
as it happens im top at scrabble in real life lol.,.,.,.,scored 625 once.,.,.

Haha, no doubt mate.

625 is a v good score but BOLT from the BB house gets that in his sleep with 2 letters...

...the characters are all a bit caricatured versions of blondites(except for Flushy who is an exact representation).

I know in real life you would never twat BOLT on the head with a jar of mustard....I'm sure you'd use a classier weapon such as a bottle of heinz ketchup or tub of branston pickle.

:)

What happened to Ed - did he get evicted? :D

Think i found a tv camera in the diary room and haven't left since.  ;)

"His range is AA or 99"... I am getting funny looks in the Rio press room for doing that wheezy quiet-laugh.

 ;tightend; ;applause; ;tightend;

Absolutely excellent Jungle!

Fantastic stuff again :)up

(also, is it wrong to be slightly turned on by Sofa's drawing :dontask: ?)

its not wrong mate,
not if your a frickin horse in your speedos

Just read this..best thread ever.

time for another?