The poker tournament had finished

Master min-cashed

I won it.

Master next spoke to me the following morning, our communication in the twelve hours previous had been a mixture of grunts, nods and signs from him to me to which responded professionally and diligently whilst all the time awaiting a hastily scribbled P45

As I awoke the following morning Ipicked up two flyers that had been put under the door



I hurried to hide that one

Click to see full-size image.

but as I bustled to remove that from view My master strode behind me

"Jeeves, let me look"

I turned round slowly, and with a heavy heart handed over the flyers

Master's eyes lit up and his hands began shaking.

"W-W-World of C-c-c-c-concrete Jeeves? A convention Jeeves. Today Jeeves"

"Sir, it appears so but you have the $5 PLO8 to play at the Tropicana, drinks are free. Fun and sunshine assured sir"

The thought of a day on the front row of an audience at a concrete convention next to a slobbering Master filled me with dread

"Once in a lifetime opportunity Jeeves, we must Jeeves. Tell my stakers there is a change of plans. Oh, and as you won that tournament yesterday you are paying the event fee"

"but..."

A firm hand was thrust in the direction of my face as he cut me off and then moved towards the television. The news item was even worse news for me



Later that day, we entered the convention center

I tried to get waylaid on the way in...



but Master was having none of it and dragged me through hall after hall of displays

Click to see full-size image.

My feet were sore, but I knew that it was soon time for the speeches. What neither I or master expected was what happened next.

"Ladies and Gentlemen.." a man in a high-vis jacket stood on stage and his voiced boomed via sound system across the hall, "unfortunately our keynote speaker has been delayed, do we have a volunteer to talk about concrete?"

I sat completely still. An awful feeling of dread spread across my body. The crowd murmured.

Next to me, i could sense a stirring and confirming my worst fears my Master stood and walked up to the stage

A smattering of applause rang through the room as My master shook hands with hi-vis and went to the podium

I could barely look

"Good morning, my name's tikay and I love concrete.."

applause

and then silence, the room slightly uneasy as My master searched for the right words to describe his 47 year love affair with the World of Concrete.

I quickly googled wikipedia and went up to the stage and whispered in a rather panicky master's ear

"concrete is a composite material composed of water, coarse granular material (the fine and coarse aggregate or filler) embedded in a hard matrix of material (the cement or binder) that fills the space among the aggregate particles and glues them together."

He cleared his throat

"Good morning, my name's tikay and I love concrete. Concrete is a composite material composed of water, coarse granular material (the fine and coarse aggregate or filler) embedded in a hard matrix of material (the cement or binder) that fills the space among the aggregate particles and glues them together. I also won the Bluff Europe Award for UK Poker personality earlier this year, but the trophy was perspex, not concrete..."

A silence filled the air again. On the big screen behind the podium an image was displayed, of My master in less tense times, as the convention staff had clearly been busy in the pause in the speech



My master left the stage

"poker, sir?"

"Tropicana, Jeeves"

As we exited the hall, the three young ladies I saw on entrance handed me their number. Or so I thought. I turned over the piece of paper to see



I expect that is Master's next Las Vegas trip sorted then

"Morning Jeeves"

Across the other side of the room I looked at my watch. 3.30am. I groaned inwardly. Years of training had attuned my body clock to the vicissitudes of travelling between time-zones but despite his advancing years it was all too obvious that my master was struggling to adjust to Las Vegas time

"Morning Sir" I replied far more jauntily than I was feeling

"I'll just make your breakfast sir. Three lattes, six sugars, five sticky buns and a pack of rennies"

"Thank you Jeeves, just off to the media centre for half an hour. Will be back just after four"

I busied myself ironing socks while the kettle boiled. I placed the rennies in order (one before breakfast, one after bun two, one after bun four and one at the end of the nutritious meal) and waited

Soon there was a knock at the door. There were three men. In the middle was my master, looking at the floor. Either side of him two security guards, guns holstered and pectoral muscles the size of a small island, held an arm each

"This man staying here?" one of them asked

"Why yes, Anthony Kendall of Thames Ditton surrey, formerly of Ilkeston Derbyshire. Sky Poker's fourth best analyst (BRMB audience survey October 2013) and the best mis-clicker of his generation. He is staying here"

The other guard looked at me suspiciously.

"Caught him trying to enter the media centre. Put in the wrong passcode 14 times, triggered a whole hotel lock-down"

My Master looked up sheepishly

"thought i could remember the code from last year Jeeves"

I looked at him. Tempting as it was to deny all knowledge of him, as I knew the combination to his safe and the contents meant I could do a lot of damage in Peppermints that evening, the momentary loss of mental professionalism passed and I made excuses on his behalf as ushered my master to the sofa

"Sorry officers, its his age. Jet-lag. Age. Won't happen again."

The security guards surveyed the scene. Ironing board with socks on. Breakfast tray with rennies, latte and sticky buns. Sheet hanging from the ceiling. Master's Thomas the Tank engine kimono draped on an unmade bed. They looked at each other, eyebrows raised and beat a retreat backwards, shutting the door behind them

"Bun sir?"

My master nodded and was quiet whilst he ate

His sang froid soon restored he soon outlined the plans for the day

"Orleans Casino. Pot Limit Omaha competition 1pm Jeeves"

"Yes sir, would you like me to accompany you?"

"Yes Jeeves, you have to keep Redsimon and oldkingcole away from me. All Redsimon does is talk about Billy Davies and how he was badly treated. All oldkingcole does is talk about repairing watches. Jeeves, its important. Redsimon goes one way, I go the other"   

"Yes sir, shall I prepare your flask and a picnic, and take your blanket just in case its a bit chilly around the ankles sir?"

My Master looked at me oddly. I couldn't quite tell what he was thinking, but that was probably just as well


--

On arrival at the Orleans there didn't seem to be too many people. I decided to be brave

"Sir, this is our fourth trip together"

Master nodded

"I have never played poker on any of these trips"

Master half-nodded

"I wondered if.."

I was interrupted

"Jeeves no...."

at that precise moment a senior looking man in a suit approached us

"Two more entries, fantastic" and shouted to the room "TWO MORE ENTRIES!!!"

An assortment of Vegas grinders, cowboys and redsimon looked up, like basking sharks at the sight of a shoal of krill

"but..." this time My Master was interrupted

"TWO ENTRIES".

we were by now at the front of the queue by the cage

Master looked at me. I spoke to the lady

"Two entries for your 1pm competition please. He's paying"

If I was being sacked in the morning, I might as well go down in flames 

I spoke to the person behind me in the queue

"its ok, he's staked. Not his money, so he can afford it"

Master looked furious but no doubt wary of making his second scene of the day demurred and handed over the bills to the teller

--

I spent the day alternating between waiting for A-A-K-K and replenishing Master's cup from the flask, and occasionally straightening his travel blanket. I also caused some consternation by my method  of never once tabling my cards until the other(s) had. Seemed sensible to me. Let them go first. I would pick my cards up, look at them, look at the board, put one card (no good) down on the table, then another (no good), then, still 1 at a time, the two winning cards. 

To Master's astonishment, and the general bemusement of the rest of the table around me we found ourselves both in the competition with a few minutes left in the day, and one place off securing a dual Vegas cash

There was quite a discussion on the three tables "we want to play down to the money, all agree?" followed by much nodding of wise heads & general agreement.

So the TD man agreed, provided every single player agreed.

Every single player DID agree - except one. Me.

What is the point of having rules and regulations is you don't stick to them? I argued

"My whole working life has been about routine, rules and respect for authority. Why is the poker world different? Anyway My Master..."

I pointed at my Master who looked as if the ground should swallow him up, and quickly

"has to get some sleep, he always has a horlicks at midnight by the latest and I have to read him his bedtime story. Tonight its Isambard Kingdom Brunell and building the Clifton Suspension bridge, the unauthorised biography"

I noticed the odd stifled chortle in the midst of an uneasy silence

I decided to stand my ground

"the sheet says we stop after Level 12, so I refuse".

I didn't have many chips, but the principle was key.

My Master was by now red faced

"Jeeves not only should you not have played this tournament, but you've complained about everything, non-stop, for nigh on 12 hours."

I waited, as I sensed there was more

Master affected a comical voice "blinds go up in 5 minutes Dealer, don't forget". His voice returned to normal "Every level Jeeves. Every level"

At that point With 1 minute to go to end of Level, that Automated Tourney Software announcey voice thing  rung around the room

"BEEP BEEP BEEP - THIS IS THE LAST HAND OF THE LEVEL, NEXT HAND BLINDS GO UP" 

I cleared my throat

"Bllinds up, gentlemen, end of the day's play I think"

As we travelled back from the Orleans, in silence, you could cut the atmosphere with a travel blanket.

It was 90 minutes or so after had first stepped into the suite at the Rio. I had busied myself unpacking, preparing my quarters behind a hastily made partition (upturned sofa, spare bed-sheets secured from ceiling) when I was surprised by the door opening

It was my Master, followed by four men in face paint

"Who on earth did that Cowboy think he was Jeeves, calling me an old man?"

I said nothing, had learnt it was best to let the rant take its natural course

""You ever going to play a hand, old man?" ""I always respect you Old Man"

He paused, in high dudgeon

"I'm not old Jeeves. 47 isn't old these days"

"Is it a break in the tournament sir?" I thought had better change the subject

"No Jeeves, out Jeeves. Decided to come back Jeeves so you could write my blog. Didn't have any plans did you?"

My plans were actually well advanced



but duty obviously had to come first, so replied matter of factly

"no sir, just beetroot to pickle and your socks to iron"

"good Jeeves, open up Wordpress my good man"

The elephant in the room had still not been addressed. Why exactly were Kiss in his suite, standing around looking like spare parts?  

Click to see full-size image.

As I downloaded the images from the camera to accompany the first blog entry, realised that I should be grateful for small mercies. Gene, Eric, Paul and Tommy were at least dressed, if looking somewhat non-plussed, unlike earlier



I transcribed the blog, and edited it judiciously. Then raised the inevitable question in a way that I thought showed consderable tact

"Would your guests like something to drink sir?"

"Guests?" My master looked genuinely surprised and jumped with a fright when he turned round. He ran behind me and breathed heavily

"Jeeves, don't tell them the safe combination whatever you do. That first edition of excavators of the Americas is priceless. Jeeves, helllllllllllp"

It was a pitiful cry and it was left to me to resolve the situation

"Hello gentlemen" I said to the front man, who I discovered was a Mr Gene Simmons "can we help you with anything? Wrong room perhaps"

"No, we don't think so" said Gene "We were doing some promotion on Fremont street ahead of our show tonight and that gentleman walked out of Binions..."

he pointed at my Master, barely visible but holding on to my waistcoat tight. he continued

"he took a photo of our bare bottoms, walked past and said "old man, old man, old man" in a soft voice so we followed. In our experience in Las Vegas, that's an invitation for Crazy crazy nights and well times are hard. We need the cash"

Suddenly it was all becoming clear. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but what was currently happening in Vegas needed to get out of suite 2604 of the Rio Hotel and convention center, and quick.  

"I think there may have been a misunderstanding" I said to Kiss. "He's old, he sometimes knows not what he does. Let me compensate you for your time"

I handed them four Sky Poker stress reliever balls, two branded packs of cards, two card protectors and a signed photograph of Ryan Spittles, smiling.

This seemed to appease them and they left the room smiling and one simpering over the photograph

My master emerged from my waistcoat, stood up straight and said

"Thanks Jeeves, that was a sticky spot. But never call me old again"

and he lay down on the bed and fell asleep, it was left to me to send the blog, and send off the first Bluff Europe article that my master thought he had sent in may but had actually been sitting in "Drafts"

Only 28 days to go.

"Hello sir, this way sir"

The stewardess beckoned my Master to his left as we boarded the flight to Las Vegas

I followed a pace or so behind

"Hello sir, that way sir"

The stewardess beckoned me to my right, and the middle of a row at the back of the plane

"goodbye sir" I cried as I was chaperoned to the tail, but I received no reply as Master was already past the curtain and into his area of the plane for the next nine hours

Some hours later, as we arrived in Vegas I rose to be at the front of the queue to disembark and waited in the galley area for the doors to open. From the other side of the curtain came a man who looked somewhat familiar, and appeared to be muttering repeatedly

This was the man, and this was pretty much how he looked



This man seemed keen to get off the plane. We made eye contact, and he blurted out the following

"Concrete, planes, trains, cement, beetroot. Concrete, planes, trains cement and bloody beetroot"

I didn't know what he meant or what to say

"Nine fucking hours of concrete, planes, trains, cement and fucking beetroot"

It suddenly became clear as from behind the curtain burst my master

"Ahhhhhhhh Jeeves, great flight wasn't it isn't it?"

I nodded

"lovely food wasn't it isn't it?"

I nodded, but only to keep him happy, for my food was not of such quality

"Have you met Mr Boatman, Jeeves? Lovely travelling companion. Won a bracelet last year, going to do it again Jeeves"

Boatman looked at me. I looked at the floor. Master continued

"Lovely fellow Jeeves. Barney would you like to share our taxi to the Rio? We're going the freeway route, especially for the feel of the tarmac at 60mph under the back axle Barney. "

As master finished his sentence the whole plane's attention could not help be drawn to the sight of Mr Boatman on his knees banging at the emergency exit sobbing

"let me off let me off" and as the door swung open he bolted for customs in arrivals, a trail of dollar bills floating behind him as they fell out of his manbag such was his speed to depart the scene

"He must be feeling ill Jeeves"

"Quite sir, Quite" i replied as followed my Master through to the arrivals hall and joined the queues

Later, as he left me at the Rio to check in while he went to Binions, it struck me that whilst life may not always be a box of chocolates, occasionally you can strike lucky. For while I had spent nine hours sandwiched between elements of a stag party from Bolton going to Vegas for a week I had managed to escape nine hours of worse

For that, I decided to be thankful

Click to see full-size image.

Click to see full-size image.

After all, some people were not so lucky

Click to see full-size image.

the question was, how to avoid it for the next month?

I think I may have found the answer on that long flight

Click to see full-size image.

Monday, Departures

The weekend phone call was breathless and excited

"Jeeves Jeeves, meet 3.45am Monday morning on my front drive. You can pack up the car and drive us to Gatwick. Breakfast, flight, straight to Binions for me. Straight to hotel check in for you. Are you excited Jeeves.....?"

I paused, considering my response. The easy answer was "yes" but the practical complexities of the arrangements at hand were uppermost in my mind

"but sir, the flight is not until 11.25am. Did you really mean meet at 3.45am? It's under an hour to Gatwick..."

"be right back Jeeves, got to wee"

I waited, still pondering my question

"Back Jeeves. Jeeves we have to be there early. Traffic jams, parking spot to find, breakfast to have. Can never be too careful"

A month of this awaited me, and  decided the path of least resistance was probably correct at this early stage. A sulking master was an unhappy master, so demurred

"Yes sir, quite sir. 3.45am sir. see you then sir"

the phone went down and we then saw each other for the first time in a year on the drive of Master's Thames Ditton mansion (14 bedrooms, one in use) at 3.41am this morning

Master had already packed the boot of his BMW, with the apposite registration number YE12 FML, and was standing astride his stone statue of a Games of Thrones dragon, one of two that adorned the area surrounding his front door. He was tapping his watch impatiently.



I opened the boot, and put my rucksack in and I drove to Gatwick "faster Jeeves faster" master implored as we headed M3,M4,M23 down to the airport

On arrival I followed as my training taught me, one step to the left and three paces behind

"Cafe Rouge, Jeeves. Breakfast. Here have this"

He thrust a tattered copy of a French phrase book into my hand and I must have looked quizzical as he clarified

"French restaurant, Jeeves, you need to order my breakfast. You'll need it"

My mouth opened and closed, but like a stunned goldfish no sound came out

On arrival at the Cafe we found a table and Master handed me a scribbled list

Click to see full-size image.

"Four sausages. Three rashers of bacon. Two fried eggs, baked beans, black pudding, fried bread. Lattes x 3."

I looked up, and could see he was looking at me expectantly. I turned the page over

"nothing green. Ask for family pack of rennies"

I beckoned over a waitress and cleared my throat

My master nodded encouragingly.

"Je voudrais Quatre saucisses. Trois tranches de bacon. Deux œufs frits, des fèves au lard, boudin noir, pain frit. Trois lattes et un pack famille de Rennies s'il vous plaît"

I said to the lady

Master sighed contentedly.

"You what mate? Come again?" said the lady and shouted across to a colleague

"Ere, Chantal, some french geezers wanna order, come and help"

I looked at my boss who had the good grace to look a little sheepish, but he hid behind his tablet, tapping away....I was committed though, so as Chantal wandered across I felt had no choice but to repeat my opening gambit



" Bonjour, Je voudrais Quatre saucisses. Trois tranches de bacon. Deux œufs frits, des fèves au lard, boudin noir, pain frit. Trois lattes et un pack famille de Rennies s'il vous plaît"

"look mate, I'm from Crawley and she's from 'Aywards' Eath. Not got a scooby what you want. Show us on the menu"

I looked at the menu. Written in English. I looked across at Master who had slunk so low he was now hiding beneath the table while I struggled on

I cleared my throat

"We would like Four sausages. Three rashers of bacon. Two fried eggs, baked beans, black pudding, fried bread. Lattes x 3. Oh and a family pack of rennies please. and would like a black coffee"

because a black coffee was all my budget would stretch to given my daily stipend

Chantal looked at me. She tried to look at my Master, who was still under the table trying to hold his breath for long enough so as not to be visible until we were alone

"Can do all of that mate. Cept the Rennies. Tell your mate that there's a boots over there" and she pointed past the Dixons retail  and Hermes scarf outlet to the Boots across the room

A mumbled sound came from below the table "thank you"

I looked at Chantal. Chantal looked at me. We shared a raised eyebrow, as she had come to the realisation of what I was having to deal with

A month's trip lay ahead, and it was not the most auspicious start.....    

To Jeeves@butlersforyou.com

From Concreteisawonderfulthing@tikay.com

Jeeves

Absolutely delighted you will be joining me in Las Vegas, bro*. Enclosing a short check-list of items I need for our stay, and jobs to be taken care of. Please work through the list and if there are any problems let me know. Cheers dude**

- Buy audiobook of Desert Island discs
- Purchase casualwear from "SportsDirect" to show support for Mr Ashley. Mens size M. and L. and XXL. Cover all stages of the dietary ups and downs
- Book Ski Lodge for tea. 35 miles from Vegas, Jeeves. You will walk there.
- Book Grand Canyon for the day. Don't want anyone else there whilst I am pondering its majesty. Also because my legs look very white in these shorts
- Speak to Mere Novice about staking accounting. Seems to be struggling. See if he needs a hand
- Tell my neighbour I have fixed my fence twice and if he is still not happy, mediate accordingly
- Take pictures of coots and moorhens on Thames at bottom of garden. Print out and laminate for affixing to my bedstead in Vegas hotel  
- Prepare letter of complaint to Sir Beardy Jumper, in advance, in case Monday's flight is at all delayed
- Work out what a GIF is and how to post it. Tell me.
- Find out how to stop Mr Red-Dog from pestering me about concrete.

We leave at 11.30am Monday Gatwick North terminal, Virgin Atlantic flight to McCarran. I'm in Upper. You aren't. See you for breakfast, and then once through customs in Nevada. I intend to be playing at Binions immediately on arrival, there's a smashing $5 PLO8 Deepstack I've got on the stake that I want to play. Not sure I've really got the game for it, mixing it with those 70 year old kids anymore but it should play slow and I might get lucky

You will unpack, pen my blog entry, deal with correspondence then the evening is yours. Tuesday morning 9am we go again, like Mr Gerrard said so iconically then ironically***

Regards

tikay


* that's right isn't it, all the kids seem to say it?

** Has anyone ever called you a dude, Jeeves?

*** Captain of Liverpool FC, an association football team Jeeves

Good morning

I have received the following message this morning by electronic communication

To: Jeeves@butlersforyou.com

From tikayis47yearsold@hotmail.com

Subject: Las Vegas trip May-June 2014

Jeeves,

I am holidaying in Las Vegas again this year. I leave next Monday. Bit disorganised as usual. Haven't unpacked from last year and the jar of beetroot we brought back had leaked all over my sky poker, not sending me out there this year, polo shirts

Are you available to accompany me for the month? All travel paid, usual stipend. Usual duties plus book-keeping on my package (staking package), booking sight-seeing trips, tournament reports made to look like i wrote them (no mentions of that Ryan Spittles allowed, I am the TOP Sky Poker analyst no matter what anyone else says).

see you for breakfast at gatwick on the morning of the 26th?

what say you?

tikay

[sharplea k minus 9 1 minus 10]

the odd one out, not one of the ten unanswerables was....

k. Is there an afterlife?


acidmouse      e   1      
ant040489      c   1      
tomsom      g   1      
stribling      f   1      
ironside      j   3      
redsgirl      j   3      
dwh103      j   3      
Longines      pass   0      
david3103      pass   0      
minttrav      pass   0      
sharplea      k   minus 9      1 minus 10


sharplea      7
longines      12
ironside      14
mint trav      14
david3103      16
acidmouse      17
tomsom      18
dwh103      23
redsgirl      26
ant040489      26
stribling      34





May the RSQ Lord have mercy on all our souls

Goodnight.

buck pal???

Jeeves, standards are dropping..

Click to see full-size image.

Internet search engine Ask Jeeves compiled what it called a top 10 of "unanswerables" in the past decade, in 2010. The list is based on some 1.1 billion queries made on the site since its launch in 2000.

There are 11 Questions below, Name the one that is not in the 10 unanswerables

a. What is the meaning of life?

b. Is there a God?

c. Do blondes have more fun?

d. What is the best diet?

e. Is there anybody out there?

f. Who is the most famous person in the world?

g. What is love?

h. What is the secret to happiness?

i. Did Tony Soprano die?

j. How long will I live?

k. Is there an afterlife?

Points: Normal scoring AND -10 points for getting the correct answer

One question to go

There is ten points off if you name which answer was NOT in the ten unanswerables

Only ONE person got the correct answer, to lose ten points.........

Click to see full-size image.

visual landmarks on the london marathon course

Click to see full-size image.

Longines      cutty sark      1      
tomsom      gherkin      1      
sharplea      canary wharf      1      
stribling      big ben      1      
ironside      tower bridge      1      
redsgirl      london eye      1      
ant040489      Royal Naval College.      1      
david3103      buck pal      2      
minttrav      buck pal      2      
dwh103      marble arch   fail   7      2+5
acidmouse      pass      0      

the course does not go near marble arch

http://static.london-marathon.co.uk/uploads/marathon-centre/coursemap_2013.pdf?oo=582&askid=174e1920-80fd-4eb8-a4f3-e7ead0ebefdb-0-uk_gsb

ironside   11               
Longines   12               
mint trav   14               
sharplea   16               
david3103   16               
acidmouse   16               
tomsom   17               
dwh103   20               
redsgirl   23               
ant040489   25               
stribling   33               

Ha, Dave is going to win. Serves him right.

Twists and turns ahead Lord Murray of Portstmouth

I see. You've already given Longines two Aces for Daryn being the same name as Darren and Anthony Hopkins being a fictional character. I guess your post means that you're about to give him another for Blackpool Tower being a landmark on the course of the London Marathon.

Only on a clear day sir, only on a clear day

Ahem

Cough

scullery Maid....

Yes

I whaled them

Are you asking for your answer to be an Ace?

Indeed I am Jeeves

The role of Ruby Finch, the dim-witted, put-upon scullery maid in Upstairs, Downstairs forever dreaming of running away with Rudolph Valentino, brought Jenny Tomasin fame worldwide.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/obituaries/jenny-tomasin-actress-best-known-for-upstairs-downstairs-6295426.html

i see

I think I will allow this, ace-ing chambermaid too and by extension maid

two points to come off acidmouse, ant, david3103

Spouses to the heir to the throne

Click to see full-size image.

Alexandra, wife of Edward VII was an excellent answer except it was over 100 years ago. The question specified in the last 100 years

Wallis Simpson married Edward Windsor after he abdicated. She was never the spouse to the heir to the throne

both fail


ant040489      diana      2
ironside      diana      2
sharplea      phillip      2
Longines      phillip      2
acidmouse      camilla      2
stribling      camilla      2
david3103      Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon      3
redsgirl      Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon      3
minttrav      elizabeth bowes-lyon      3      
dwh103      Wallis Simpson   fail   8      5+3
tomsom      alexandra   FAIL   8      5+3

overall


ironside   10               
Longines   11               
mint trav   12               
dwh103   13               
sharplea   15               
tomsom    16               
david3103   16               
acidmouse   18               
redsgirl   22               
ant040489   26               
stribling   32               


Please join me in cheering on Ironside