(Points for this question. Within £10 of the actual total = 0, Within £20 = 2 points, Within £40 = 4 points, Within £60 = 8 points. Outside £60 = Number of entries plus 5)
Hi Jeeves, sorry but I need you to clarify question 8 for me. What do you mean by heir to the British throne? First in line only? Those that have become King/Queen?
First in line only. Their partner does not have to be King yet.
Reticent as I am it falls to me to defend the honour of a damsel in distress, who does not wish to set an RSQ. I blame her parents. No backbone, children these days
I was one of four joint winners.
I doubt my former employer, and joint winner last time, would be capable. Too busy polishing his contribution to British Poker award. Notice the power behind the throne received no such award. Twas ever thus.
No one wants Mr Daniel Lyndsey-Phillips to set another one either
So here I am. I have taken a day off next Monday from my current employ, with a Mr Ulliott of Humberside
The Quiz will be Monday 10th March at 8pm. Answers PMed to me by midday Monday 10th March.
The score for each question is the number of people who give that answer.
The most popular answer is the sheep.
Incorrect answers receive the sheep score plus 5 points, except for Question one where scoring is as described.
Lowest score wins.
Using Google, wiki, or other research is not allowed.
You may choose to pass up to two questions and will receive 0 points for that question.
1. Mr David Ulliott travels from Hull to DTD and back for a festival of poker. He travels by Hummer. According to the man himself, it uses a tank of petrol on the return journey. How much does it cost him (or his manservant who stands at the pump for hours while it dispenses) to fill up said Hummer?
(Points for this question. Within £10 of the actual total = 0, Within £20 = 2 points, Within £40 = 4 points, Within £60 = 8 points. Outside £60 = Number of entries plus 5)
2. Name a TV or Film in which Stephen (passable imitation of Jeeves) Fry has received an acting credit. Not a presenting credit, an acting credit
3. Give a Forename that can be used by either a Male or a Female (if I am in doubt, you will be required to provide search engine evidence of the name in male and female use)
4. Give the name of a butler in TV, film or book fiction
5. Give the title of a domestic service position as shown in either/or Upstairs Downstairs or Downton Abbey. The employment position has to appear in one of those two programmes. We all know testicle fluffers exist, but not for this answer please
6. Give the name of a country which was an Allied Power during World War One, as described by wikipedia
7. Shown below are Six famous English Stately homes. Name one
(Answers should be in the form of 7a=tikay's house, for example)
A
Click to see full-size image.
B
Click to see full-size image.
C
Click to see full-size image.
D
Click to see full-size image.
E
Click to see full-size image.
F
Click to see full-size image.
8 Give the name of a person who is or has been a Spouse to the heir to the British Throne in the last 100 years
9 Name a London Landmark that can be found on or beside the London Marathon course (has to be visible on close up TV coverage and not via helicopter only)
10 Internet search engine Ask Jeeves compiled what it called a top 10 of "unanswerables" in the past decade, in 2010. The list is based on some 1.1 billion queries made on the site since its launch in 2000.
There are 11 Questions below, Name the one that is not in the 10 unanswerables
a. What is the meaning of life?
b. Is there a God?
c. Do blondes have more fun?
d. What is the best diet?
e. Is there anybody out there?
f. Who is the most famous person in the world?
g. What is love?
h. What is the secret to happiness?
i. Did Tony Soprano die?
j. How long will I live?
k. Is there an afterlife?
Points: Normal scoring AND -10 points for getting the correct answer
I am afraid the trip has finished ignominiously, for me at least
I am currently writing at 1am from the McCarran Airport Best Western, awaiting my alarm call for the red eye flight to London via connections at Atlanta, Miami, Dakar, Paris, Amsterdam and Shannon as this is all I can afford
and the day started like any other
"Jeeves, this is the Camel"
I shook the gentleman's hand and offered him a cup of tea from the suite teasmade
"One hump or two sir. A hahahahahhaa"
The Camel looked at me with the disdain of a man used to dealing with Sky Bet, no bets for dromedaries ( however parched ) odds compilers. He shook his head. He had yet to utter a word.
"Jeeves we are going to the baseball this afternoon. Please pack for me, tidy up and print out our boarding passes ready for tomorrow. Will be back this evening for one last trip around the media centre"
"Yes sir" I said as they departed, with me trying to avoid the evil looks of the Camel.
The day passed uneventfully until at 5pm there was a knock at the door
I opened it, and before me stood two members of hotel security
"You haven't checked out and you haven't paid your bill. We need you to leave now"
I prepared my ingrained sense of British indignance and rose to my full height
"We have one more night to stay and I am sure My Master will settle the bill in the morning"
The fiercer of the two security guards began to fondle his truncheon menacingly
The good cop of the duo showed me the reservation. Indeed thenight previous was the last night.
He then showed me a letter from the bank. A card had been declined
I decided to finish packing, and when finished I transported the luggage to the foyer from where I was unceremoniously dumped on the boardwalk where I was soon undergoing a Bored walk waiting for My Master to return
I decided to ring him on his cell
"Hello hello hello Jeeves. Bottom of the sixth here. Great fun. One sec"
I heard a muffled sound as the stadium band appeared to strike up in the distance
soon, I could hear my Master singing
"and its hi-ho silver lining, everywhere you go now bbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaab-yyyyy"
I could not hear The Camel. Perhaps he had sensed it was me on the line and had clammed up in disgust
"Back now Jeeves, can't really hear you, back soon. Shot sir. Time for a sacrifice fly with a stolen base attempt off a curveball, Camel would you say?"
I obviously did not have Master's full attention. There was nothing for it but to wait
Wait I did, sitting on the Samsonites, until the taxi pulled up about 90 minutes later
"Jeeves, tomorrow man not today, what ARE you doing?"
I explained. Booking problem, truncheons, credit cards and expulsion
My Master went to reception and came back with the inevitable words
"Jeeves, you are fired"
"but....."
"Jeeves" My Master put his hand up as if to brookie no argumint and sent me on my way with a few hundred dollars to settle my stipend
Hence here I am, Best Western for the evening.
I did not book the Rio suite dates, and the credit card was not mine, yet I am fired.
Such is the lot of a 21st century manservant, in the employ of the eccentric.
Such was the lot, I should say
Goodbye all, a three hour stopover in Dakar awaits.
"Yes sir, home soon sir. Osterley, your BMW, RED-DOG. All your favourites"
"I don't mean that Jeeves, happy to stay in Vegas. I mean I have had enough of interviewing poker players"
He paused, and I could feel a tornado of emotion welling up inside
"I'm eating healthily this year tikay. Feel less tired tikay. Fruit, vegetables, macrobiotic foods. Yoga. Still in the main event. Live poker etiquette, don't tap the tank. Exercise, I'm eating healthily this year tikay"
I stayed quiet
"blah blah blah Jeeves, they all say the same things. blah blah bloody blah"
"Except Shane Warne's weave sir. He told you to get on Ashton Agar in the Ashes. My Skybet, punting for non-punters as long as they don't want any amount at any reasonable price, account has been closed now, thanks to Warney"
Ignoring me, he paced round the media centre, muttering to himself over and over again
"blah blah blah blah blah"
Eventually he stopped
"Enough Jeeves. I am going to do a report just for me. No more fruit, vegetable and plenty of exercise talk"
"Trains? Boats? Bridges? Ducks? Stock trading? Any of those sir?"
"No Jeeves. Call Dan. We are off to the ground floor"
A few minutes later, we found ourselves outside the Penn and Teller theatre once again. I wondered what "a report just for me" was to entail
"Dan, Jeeves. One of you grab the boom. One of you grab the camera. Don't care which. One take tikay, watch and learn"
and he started
"Over six thousand players....we all have the dream.....final table....great excitement...Just look over here this for me is Vegas. Starbucks sticky buns"
I stuck my hand up
"Sir, there are thousands of Starbucks all over the world. How can a Starbucks signify Vegas for you?"
A withering look ensued. Dan shuffled his feet looking down at the floor
"Shut up Jeeves" said Dan "He's the talent, lets get this done as quickly as possible"
"Jeeves" tikay mounted his high horse and put his feet in his verbal stirrups "Starbucks Sticky Buns. Be quiet, and learn"
Rarely had I heard him so assertive and I did as I was told and followed him and his collection of newly purchased buns into the media centre
We set up.
Four sticky buns side by side on the table, my Master behind
"Clubbing, drinking, Spearmint Hippo..."
I put my hand up again
"Its not called Spearmint Hippo sir"
Another withering look. A darker look from Dan, who had indeed just come from Peppermint Rhino and in the light of this I wondered why he did not want to correct the inaccuracy of the talent
"Jeeves"
I waited
"Spearmint Hippo. Its Spearmint Hippo"
"All that glitters is not Gulch sir" I proferred, rather bravely and he carried on
"Neapolitan, two stage jobbie, Apple danish, blueberry danish"
and when he finished went to a corner of the media centre and ate them one by one. Sadly this was not filmed
It is the end of a whirlygig 48 hours of interviewing the great and good of poker in the Hallways of the Rio.
Master is asleep, though will be waking soon ahead of his play in Day 2 of the WSOP Main event later
He has just received a text message
"Tokay, you are bug blond to my biltong. Hahaha I migt huv a shoave espec"
I consulted my Plinop translation page, built lovingly by myself on a google spreadsheet over the past fortnight. I am convinced it saved my Master hours
I replied as if I was My Master's voice
"Get a new buttplug son, your arse is mine"
but I deleted that, lets it fell into the wrong hands and replaced it before sending with
"Bring it on Plinop, bring it on"
Much less open to blackmail and misinterpretation
So I have spent much of the last 48 hours on camera duty whilst Sky Poker, jollies for cameramen, Dan procured subjects for interviews
Dan would message across
"Got Warne, will be with you in 5" and My Master then consults wikipedia, panics a little, asks me for suggested questions and then does the interview
My questions for Shane Warne got rejected in favour of "Who do you think will win the Ashes?"
Boooooooring.
Fortunately in XS-Peppermint-Bojangles later when we were both chest deep in g-strings and pneumatic breasts, I was able to ask Mr Warne the questions that everyone except my Master wanted asking, largely surrounding his beau Ms Hurley. Suffice to say my interest was piqued.
With some subjects though, Master has very little to work with
"So, cambridgealex, how has Vegas been for you?"
Answer, and I paraphrase "Mumble, shrug, mumble, look miserable, mumble again, shrug"
I made a note to speak to his people about media training. However his people appear to have spent the trip eating, playing OFC and losing at cash, so I will wait for a more opportune time
Anyway, while my Master played Day1a he "Lived the dream" At the end of play I "Lived the nightmare" of having to film a man with an unbuttoned and unironed check shirt interviewing my master
I made a note to speak to his people about makeovers, and to the Sky Poker, travel irons for talent, people about introducing sartorial standards into service contracts.
Finally last night, we went outside into the heat to see an RV owned by a man who looked like a cross between a Village People tribute and a chipmunk, called Daniel.
Afterwards, as My Master began suggesting to me that next year he would hire an RV and live in it in the car park or, if he could, hear a station or on a bridge or under a flyover or near the airport (the list of suitable locations went on a bit) I had to admonish him
"Sir, don't tell anyone that you want to marry them on camera. Litigious society sir, don't commit to what you can't deliver"
"and if you do sir,no more talk of ripping new arseholes this trip, please"
Master looked at me, weary. Our time together in Vegas was coming to an end, and we both knew it. I was expecting a telling off but instead
"Big day tomorrow Jeeves. Day 2a. Plinop on the Biltong to my blond. Prepare my bed, and get rid of the caterpillar door stopper ovoid thing on top of the bed as usual please"
"Yes sir" I replied and scurried ahead to make preparations.
As I looked back, My Master measured the height of the RV.
"Jeeves, work tomorrow. Going to be doing some filming now that Dan the man has arrived"
"Yes sir"
"Put out my best shirt please. Oh and i need you to be director"
"Director sir? Me?"
"Yes Jeeves, they've only sent Dan. Just about good enough to hold the camera Jeeves. Need a man with a sense of scale and pace Jeeves. You'll do"
I felt honoured and busied myself in Master's closet
Rather than pull out the "best shirt" I instead pulled out one with horizontal stripes. After a few weeks in Vegas and a few sticky buns too many, I decided that something that looks slimming was appropriate and told My Master so
"Hoops sir, Hoops. You know the camera adds ten pounds. Or should that be dollars? Ha ha ha"
Master looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow over his pince nez. He did not laugh. Merely snorted and returned to his Chapter on HotDog Eating Contest Betting patterns since 1992, written by a Mr Doyle.
We went down to the Ground floor early and I gave Master my instructions while Dan worked out where the on button was for the camera
"Master. We want your viewers to feel like they are here. Character. Stories. Nothing too eccentric"
Silence. Perhaps I was overstepping my directorial mark, after all I was working with experienced talent.
In one take, My Master delivered
"Sir, do you think we can do one without you holding a Starbucks latte?"
"Jeeves, its my prop"
"I know sir but it is rather large"
"Jeeves, I am talent. Look after talent don't take away what makes them feel comfortable. The Latte stays"
"Sir could we do a take without so much time walking in corridors? Oh, and can we lose the lobster section? Oh and the shoe shine bit? Oh and the bit about the laptops?"
Master stamped a foot, stuck his bottom lip out and looked sullen
So we stayed with the first take, as follows. Readers, I tried, really I did
"Jeeves. One take tikay. Enough. Lets go outside. Everyone will want to know about the car park"
I went to speak but the look was such that I decided to demur.
Twenty minutes later, after My Master had spent fifteen minutes driving a red Ferrari around the parking lot, the following emerged
Overnight, I need to find a way to ask My Master if I could please not be director and could I be cameraman instead? I can feel my ability to put "film director" on my CV is waning, by the hour......
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