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Hello and welcome, welcome to the first in a series of tips to help you become a better poker player.

1) TAKE CONTROL
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One of my favourite hands in poker is 9 4 triple breasted suited. Before you follow this advice you need to make sure you're playing on a slightly loose wobbly aggressive distressed table from IKEA or MFI. Also you need to be the best player on the table, and the richest. And the cleverest. And the most beautiful. And the most charming. And the best poker player. And preferably the only person playing.

Anyway, here's how a hand with me in the really blind panned out at the Bicycle Casino on the 4th stage of The Tour De France last year.

I held the magical 9 of pumps and 4 of polka dots and found myself facing Linford Christie under the gun and Stevie Wonder in the big blind. The starting pistol fired and Christie was off to a false start leaving me to start the action in the really blind.

"Knocking!" I proclaimed loudly. Wonder took the bait and raised to five times the big gun. I called knowing I could break him if something good floppped.
5,6,7 would give me a powerful open ended belly bashing opportunity. 1,2,3 would give me a superb gutshot. The flops I could play were endless. Even if it came down B,&,Q or M,&,S then I'd lead out with a pot bluff and stab at the takings with the appropriate loyalty card.
Anyway as it happens it came down 9,9,9. I typed these numbers into my phone, so as to keep a suitable record of events. I'd flopped quads. It wasn't a disaster, a few sessions down the gym would turn my flopped quads into nice taut quads. Too many days and nights in smoky back rooms had taken their toll. The turn came down as a melon with a bonus on it. Wonder blindly whacked the button and it came down SUPER SKILL STOP. I was in trouble, if he hit the MEGA STREAK my wads of quads could be doomed, but he was playing blind remember. He stopped it on £6+repeat, enough to keep him in the pot. He re-raised that+VAT and a VAT of fat and a fat phat cat. The final river number was 69.
House! shouted Edith who was playing in bent over double position.
It turned out she'd got a full bingo card, enough to knock my nines off the hi-score table.
"Fuck this!(TM)" I proclaimed wisely, sagely (I'm a seasoned pro) and insanely. At this point the pit boss, Pete, removed the pitiful pot from Pat the pitbull terrier. Also the police arrived enraged that another quad flopping poker pro had dialled them erroneously. I soon found myself in 5 star luxury police accommodation. The bread and water was of top quality. but the amenities were fairly shit. The only TV channels available were closed circuit video footage of chavs hanging around the local shopping precint. All in all it was well worth my time and everyone elses. I can thoroughly reccommend playing nines and fours - just don't lose your shirt!

All the best,