been a bit busy lately,new job and all that jazz,whent to a paint ball works outing good fun apart from the goggles misting up all the time,   the cource where you revisit your child hood playing cow boys and indians is divided into themed zones, egyptian tomb area, delta force area ,etc...... some of the areas where called viet cong village....london bus......
it made me wonder how many years will have to pass before they have ....dunblaine...hungerford.....londonderry......and any of the schools where some gun totting plab has played god.....
bang bang another red indian falls backwards of his horse and gets dragged along by his foot caught in his straps amid clouds of dust.

is this post a secret way for people with bondage and masocistic fetishes to get in touch with each over,it seems to be full of people announcing how they would be the first on the ropes and a complete push over.......if im wrong some pictures of good natural adult bonking beeing posted will of cource clear up the misunderstanding,clear shots of faces of cource unless obscured by bodley fluids..ty

our man is now betting in 50 pound bets he just wants to get his money back up to a grand and he can tell the mrs that the customer didnt pay it all up but has promised the rest later in the week,the wineoo has come back into the bookies and gone asleep in the corner by the raidiator the smell of urine can be detected mixed with salt and vinager crisps aftershave ,mr china man has been suffering and has started to lower his bet sizes,our man decides this is the actions of a losser ,his run of bad luck is bound to change any mineute how stupid would it be to drop his bets down to say a fiver and then hit form .
the builders come back  in from ealier in the day one of them has hit a treble and all the talk is about getting home getting changed and going out for a good drink and a visit to the indian after wards well almost all the talk is about that there is mention made of there being three parking tickets on the transit outside apparently the wardens can give a ticket every other hour on the bay outside.
the wineoo has woken up and looks at mr china man then decides to leave him alone and trys ponceing some drink money of our man,our man looks to the manager behind the counter who looks the other way finding that he has to tidy some papers ,our man gets a non commental glance from mr china gent and decides the easest action is to give the wineoo a hand full of change ,a happy winaoo exits one more time for the pub.
all the regulars have left the bookies our man is down to his last twenty all he wants to do is to double up as his mrs knows he had forty when he left home this morning so he has to have at least that when he sees her.......the wineoo returns onley now he sits on one of the three metal stools betwean our man and mr china gent ,theres onley one race left to run in the bookies some late start caused by bad weather down in norfolk .
so our man has his last twenty on a even shot on the last race out of the back of nowhere and there off....his nag is doing ok .... half way there still ok....
just a short distance thurther still doing ok ....but wait another horse is threatening to over take our mans horse ..its our mans horse    then this other nag    then our mans nag     as they come up to the last 50 yards     our man is on the edge of his seat it all hindges on this bet ....he will lie to the mrs  work week ends with his mate to make the money up ,lie about the customer delaying payment, lie about where hes been all afternoon ......just let me win this one time o lord he murmurs.........then it happens
he hears a murmur from mr wineoo as almost like a drunken ballereana he slips of his stool his legs fail to hold him up and he douse a half pirioete as he in almost slow motion slumps to the ground hitting his head on our mans metal stool legs,...our man is glued to the tv screen ...its his nag...then the other one ...then his nag,,,,he can hear the wineoo groaning at his feet but he cant take his eyes of the screen ....he can see out of the corner of his eye goth bitch gesteureing in his direction still with jefferey in her grasp ....if he looks down he knows what will happen ,so long as he holds the faith it will all turn out ok ...out of his perriferal vision he sees a pool of red liquid spreading from mr wineoo head and moveing towards his feet ...the race is neck and neck.... he cant look down ...but the blood will be all over his shoes any secound he has to look down to see where to re locate his feet to to avoid the mess........like some french noble man awaiting a pardon as the blade of madame guileteen comes whistling down to kiss the back of his neck ...our man looks down
and then for the first time in seven hours he hears mr china gent speak....thats all you fucking need ,he says.


not tbc

our man starts to get a run of bad form every bet he makes is baised on absulute faith and impeccable analisation off all revaliant infomation but every bet is comeing in just outside the money,its midday and hes 350 quid down,the warden has put a ticket on his screen which he had watched happen whielst staying in the bookies but he had rationalised that the guy looked like a missrable git and probley would not give him the chance to move his van also if he has a ticket he can stay parked there as long as he wants so realy its like a parking fee....the wineoo has been in and out two more times getting gradualy worse for wear thru drink and louder on his crusade to educate every one on whats wrong with people ....the staff behind the counter have changed shift and now there is a spotty faced twenty year old goth girl complete with a abundance of bangles lip pierciengs and lots of little coloured cotton bands around her wriest each one denoting a special friend she has swopped her colours with she is also reading some jeffrey archer fiction novel and giveing our man a almost grimace of ..what you again ,you are makeing me put my book to one side again,why dont you hurry up and loose all your money so i can get back to the real world in my exciting novel,so unlike the first cashier hours ago who had  clearly spotted he was a man of devastating vision and had uttered pleseant niceties as he had took his winnings .as people enter the bookies he hears snide comments about the van with a ticket and someone must be ..haveing it away in here to have not been able to shift it...the onley consolation is that mr china man is clearley beset by the same streak of bad luck as the pile of crumpled up looseing slips attest.our man has tacken the batterey out of his phone as he was getting calls all the time from his misses ,not that he was ansering .but now he will be able to claim his phone was playing up and he had to dash to help a mate of his who had a flooded house to deal with and he got the call then his phone must have played up...and he had asked his mate to get his office to phone his  home to say he would be a little bit late but they had obliviosley failed to do that simple task....what absolute bastards ,,when they need help o yes call on me ,but given one simple task  to do and they cant even get that right....well i wont be helping them out again in a hurry can tell you.
our man is also aware that he will have to intercept the parking ticket before his misses who douse all his accounts sees it,....but for now all he wants to do is get his original money back and get the hell out of here.

tbc

so in he goes ,spends a little time reading the raceing papers that are pinned on the walls and plans his first bets,a impecable dressed chinese man enters the bookies and douse the same as our man,then a wineoo enters greats the staff and makes free use of the tea and biscuits that are laid out for the punters .our man is betting in 3 and 5 pound bets and gaining a few quid,time passes and the wineoo is of to the pub up the road ,china man is placeing bets not saying a word to anyone  neither showing emotion when he wins or loses.a couple of locals pop in to place a bet on there way pass ,one mentions that the traffic wardens are fierce around here and who ever has got the transit had bettter watch it ,our man is 200 hundred up at this point and he can see that china man is doing even better,he will keep a sharp eye out for the warden as hes on a roll and it would be foolish to  take the time to move the van when there is so much money to be made from this lucky streak he rationalises,the china man starts betting in larger ammounts ...our man sees the sense in this strategy and increases his bet sizes also........wineoo wonders in and raids the tea and biscuit supplies whielst telling any one that wants to listen and any one that dousnt want to listen what the problem with this country is and how it was never like that when he was a young man as people had respect and if they didnt they would get what for.wineoo exits back to the pub and a group of builders enter declareing whos got the transit your about to get a ticket ,.....our man knows he should rush out and plead with warden whielst starting engine and driveing away ,,,but he has 25 quid rideing on the race on the tv screen and the race is just comeing to the last few furlongs if his horse wins its worth 275 to him stuff the 30 pound parking fine he will rush out after this race ,,,the warden has to wait 5 mineutes before they can ticket you anyway


to be continued

im reminded of a story ....which i will share with you, it has no great life changing relavance or moral sting in its tale its a true story thats all ....so dont read on if you just want slapstick quick fix stimulation ,go away now, get lost ,go watch the royal wedding or put your screen name or real name in the blonde search box and see who has been talking about you .....or worse still that no one is talking about you.....only read on if you want to ...ok



a plumer goes off to pick up 1700 pounds from a customer one friday morning,as he drives back home he passes thru a little town and there up ahead his perrifferal vision sees sticking out betwean the martins the news agent sign and greggs bakerey sign ...william hill bookmakers...
without him doing a thing his transit van swerves across the road causeing a mum on the school run to have to take evasive action to avoid a crash ,the next thing he knows hes parked his van right outside the bookies, 30 minute waiting zone ...good that will be long enouth he thinks as his missis is waiting to go shopping for a new three piece suiete in the sales with the money in his pocket,    the bookies are just opening and he approaches the door,

to be continued

get well soon glen,.....you can still buy a meat feast pizza at luton g cut it into 8 pieces to share with the rest of your poker table ,whielst keeping a 1 inch dry crust section for your self to be washed down with a refreshing glass of blackcurrant squash mmmmmm just like the old days.

met queen and prince charles in 1965,as a lad of about 9 we lived in a big rambling place near sandringham norfolk,one day a smart gent and a lad of about 14 turned up at our front gate asking for a bucket of water for there car which was pulled onto the verge a couple of hundred yards down the road,while my dad and the gent whent around the side of our house to get required water me and my brother gave the lad the third degree , what school do you go to,whos your favourite footballer,do you collect there pictures of the sides of typhoo tea packets like we do ect,
dad reappeared with bucket of water and whent with lad and gent to put it in car raidiator,telling us to wait by the gate and not to follow.
when he came back he told us all that was the queen in the car and she had thanked him for his assistance,the lad was prince charles and the gent was the chaufer.....we never did recieve any plack saying....by royal appointment water carriers to her majesty.....



if any one is at the wedding today and they see the old bint could you ask if they have finished useing it can we have  our bucket back please ,ty

im back been busy working ,but will find time to post ...
a story i heard comes to mind
a guy was telling his experiance of his first days as a solicitor haveing just qualified,so the firm he was with gave him all none important new low income clients....so there he is listening to mrs smith who is banging on that she wants a divorce ...her husbands drinking is out of control...home life is terrible ....no money....kids in clothes from charity...hes violent....shes at the end of her teather etc etc ...
all of which our new legal eagle is haveing to listen to and fein intereast and concern over the poor bints outragousley hard life,whielst secretley thinking ..shut up you moaney old bitch ...let me rob you of our fees ,and get back to trying to cop of with the new legal work experiance student in the office next door.....
still he thinks better do some work to justify fees so he asks her about how much her husband actualey drinks...to which she replies...
she didnt see him when he left for work this morning but she is sure he would have had a secret drink ,then at work he will probley have a drink she is sure he keeps in his office...then on the way home he will not  come straight home but will probley stop of with his mates and have a couple of pints...
our new legal realiseing his fee is fast disapearing as her testimony consists of her husband haveing a couple of pints only...
says...madam any man might have a couple of pints,when i leave here after a long days work i might stop at the pub down the road and have a couple of pints,its not excessive,lots of people do it....
to which she replied ...not of meathalated spirit you wont...to which he lacking experiance cracked up burst out laghing grabbed a file of papers dashed out of the room ,and some time latter when his sides stopped hurting sent the legal work experiance student in to tell mrs smith ..sorry on this occasion we dont think we can help you have you tried c a b.

i have it of good authoriety that alliens are most definatley here and  there numbers are increasing greatley communicating with there growing armies of followers and mutant of spring thru poker blogging sites.....just cast your mind back how many times have you heard absolute inane garbage reasoning being put forward to persuade people to change there views on lifes most important matters.....clearley a attempt to subvert firstley the common man then on up to goverment and finaly world dommination.... .... we must fight back all alliens poseing as internet poker sight bloggers should be rounded up and horrible probed with lots of weird shaped semi surgical looking implements....in the intereast of fair play and to appease the pc brigade it should be carried out in a big brother type reality tv setting ......keep watching the skys.

if you have heard a rumour that your employee has sold your machine ,she may have also heard a rumour  that you are on to her,from the same grapevine.
a opptuion may be to get a friend of yours who she dousnt know at all to book a treatment with her that will definatley require the machine,then once friend has seen machine your agent or yourself enters removes machine giveing soon to be ex employee a note stateing machine should not have been removed from your clinic without proper authoriety.
if employee refuses your friends booking that may meen she has already sold machine and its not retreeviable,or if she has sold it and borrows it back for booking you have chance to grab your property,

if all of the above fails orrganise a popular rebel upriseing against her with lots of posters of her being burnt and towns being tacken by firstly rebel forces then retacken by her ,you will need a no fly zone and full western media support ,might have to call in a few favours from celeb friends,im sure edna would do a smashing on the spot kate addie in down town beiruit type action report from the battlefield....whielst dick lynch is the obviouse choise for a clip of some one who is suffering because they are deprived of the essential  services the life changing machine would have bought to him,a few close up clips of dick saying...you what,youwhat....what did he say..you what,will surley melt the hardest of souls,

of cource keep ypur eyes out for a counter revolutiion when your soon to be ex employee claims that she and you are realy partners and you actualey owe her money and half the equipment etc etc

i hope this gives you a few pointers ,good luck and if you have any future probs just post and i will gladly give freely of my time and knowledge,personal intimate probs a speciality....

a jolly poker jape for april fools day
heres what you have to do ,in a worth while compertition 100 pound or more  when a player has made a small raise before the flop ....you announce ..im going to raise..then fiddle with your chips as if trying to decide how much....what you want is for the next player to act to come over the top and announce all in ...if he or she douse ..the jape is set,as confusion reigns as you havent announced how much you are going to raise ,some knowledgeable old lag will give the table the benifit of his wealth of self taught ruleings and state ...you have to put in the minimum raise at least,
you then call for a ruleing which should say ...yes you can raise the minium then pass or match the all in bet...
you then give your opponient the evel stare bussiness and state ...i know you are just makeing a move, you dont have a reel hand ....let some time pass then ask the dealer dose that put me all in ,how much is the all in bet.
when told how much ,you count out the ammount in front of you ,and count how much you will have left....then further announce ...i know your at it
you then put your orriginal raise in which is the minium you have to ,the all in players bet stands every one else folds and its back to you to act.
you now ask the all in player if i pass will they show,....do you want a caller....ect ect
then you call for the clock on your self ,when there are onley ten secounds to go you ask any player at the table ...quickley pick a number between 1 and 10, when he says 5 you say okay thats a odd number ...i call the all in  ...with 3 secounds left of your self called clock to run out ....by now you should have players from other tables railing ect....dealer announces cards on there back ...if all in is slow you say ...come on i called you...turn them other....as all in reveals there ace king suited you knod and say ...yes thats what i put you on ...then turn your aces over.
then sit back and enjoy the applause of the appreciative on lookers ,holding there sides as laughter racks there bodies at the sight of such a well exacuted april fools day joke...
true some bloggists will be straight on to there mobile phones to tell the tale with a bias spin as if you had acted badley ...but hey there not happy if there not trying to nit pick and pull the great and the good down ,ignore them

ive had a brilliant idea for a business idea to put up to investers such as dragons den ect....what i want to do is bring out a range of work out fits for work situations that will enhance the earning potential of the employees,
so for traffic wardens the work outfits will be cunningley printed sweaters and trousers that look like parts of cars ...the elbows of the sweeter would look like a wing mirror on a vauxhall or the seat of the trousers would look like the raidiator grill of a bmw ,and of cource we could have the front of the sweeter looking like a smart car reversing into a tight space.....
so with there stylish almost camelion type dress attire they will just fade into the natural urban landscape ,unseen by the ever watchful parking bay time abusers that is until they strike with there yellow windscreen condoms raiseing the blood presure of the working publick as they tear open there unlucky fortune cookie to see how much the special offer is if they pay within two weeks,
the down side is of cource that anyone would be able to run them over and swear that they didnt see them,as they thought it was a skoda trying to nick there parking space...as this would create another job oppertunity for one of our eastern european cousins....and would result in more earning for our cousins that are quick on there feet,so they can send it home to there child hood sweet heart yola in outer bruski ......realy there is no down side.....


additional outfits that are in the pipeline include the ever popular ,washed up satalite tv presenters outfit complete with the ever popular casualey thrown over the shoulder dangley scarf that says...look at me i could have been a hippie in another life,it comes complete with satchets of hair dye rangeing from smokey finger blonde right up to last swig of the pint of stella frothey blonde
a must have for the discerning airways pundits

as a little jest for the fast approaching ..april fools day...i think as a diversion to all the war and misery one has drip fed to you by the bitch media some lighter frothy,amuseing stories need to abound....
so heres what you can do....when the is next a megga roll over on the lotto,you know 50 million  region,you get the winning numbers and arrange them in any order,..forward,backward,highest first ,lowest first,ect
eventualy they will read as some ones phone number then you phone the number and innocently get there name and as much info as you can,pretending to be a window sales man with free windows for the front of there house should work.
then you get a tape recorder and tape a automated  message to play down the phone at them such as ....
GOOD DAY MR ROBERT SMITH,22 QUEENS TERRACES,,NEWCASTLE,NY1 1BG
THIS IS A PUBLIC AWARNESS MESSAGE PLEASE DO NOT HANG UP
DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU HAD USED YOUR PHONE NUMBER FOR SATURDAYS TREBLE LOTTO ROLLOVER YOU WOULD HAVE WON 50,745
MILLION POUNDS......     .......... IF YOU DO NOT RECIEVE THIS MESSAGE DO NOT PANIC AS WE SHALL BE PLAYING THIS MESSAGE TO ALL THE PROPERTYS WITHIN A FIVE MILE RADIUS OF  NY1 1BG
this has been a public information service message bought to you by,,then insert the details of your pet hate, football club,person in public office ect

job done sit back with the cosy glow of good will that comes from knowing that you have touched some ones life and made a differance.




PS....REMEMBER TO BAR THEM FROM READING YOUR PHONE NUMBER

dont be daft ,you can grow your own potatoes easly there by not risking the green grocer telling tales on you ,alturnitively you could use a cucumber cut in half and makeing two pokka dot print pads there by speeding up the printing process'