Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
S: Feet warm and wet.
F: Improper bladder control.
A: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
S: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
F: Glass empty.
A:Get someone to buy you another drink.
S: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
F: You have fallen over backward.
A: Have yourself leashed to bar.
S: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
F: You have fallen forward.
A: See above.
S: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
F: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
A: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
S: Floor blurred.
F: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
A: Get someone to buy you another drink.
S: Floor moving.
F: You are being carried out.
A: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
S: Room seems unusually dark.
F: Bar has closed.
A: Confirm home address with bartender.
S: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
F: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
A: Cover mouth.
S: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
F: You are dancing on the table.
A: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
S: Drink is crystal-clear.
F: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
A: Punch him.
S: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
F: You have been in a fight.
A: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
S: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
F: You've wandered into the wrong party.
A: See if they have free alcohol.
S: Your singing sounds distorted.
F: The drink is too weak..
A: Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
S: Don't remember the words to the song.
F: Drink is just right.
A: Play air guitar.
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