Joke!!

[henrik777]

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

Sandy

[bobAlike]

I bumped into an old mate today.

I said "What are you upto these days?"

He said "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."

"thats very noble of you, which charity drop in centre do you work at?"

"No no no, I'm a chef in the local Wetherspoons"

[henrik777]

What's the difference between Fernando Torres and Wayne Bridge?

John Terry appreciates Wayne Bridge's missus.

Sandy

[ACE2M]

I popped into the Borg supermarket the other day for some apples.

I wanted some braeburns but they only had pink ladies.

I asked an employee for some help but she didn’t know so she put out an announcement over the tannoy

‘Assistance in fruit aisle’

[gatso]

I popped into the Borg supermarket the other day for some apples.

I wanted some braeburns but they only had pink ladies.

I asked an employee for some help but she didn’t know so she put out an announcement over the tannoy

‘Assistance in fruit aisle’

that took me a very long time to get

[bobAlike]

I popped into the Borg supermarket the other day for some apples.

I wanted some braeburns but they only had pink ladies.

I asked an employee for some help but she didn’t know so she put out an announcement over the tannoy

‘Assistance in fruit aisle’

7/9

[gatso]

7/9

 

[EvilPie]

Thanks for the excuse.

Click to see full-size image.

[sovietsong]

I popped into the Borg supermarket the other day for some apples.

I wanted some braeburns but they only had pink ladies.

I asked an employee for some help but she didn’t know so she put out an announcement over the tannoy

‘Assistance in fruit aisle’

that took me a very long time to get

can you fill me i please... i feel so stupid.

[Alverton]

I popped into the Borg supermarket the other day for some apples.

I wanted some braeburns but they only had pink ladies.

I asked an employee for some help but she didn’t know so she put out an announcement over the tannoy

‘Assistance in fruit aisle’

7/9

 

[Geo the Sarge]

A man was cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland burn when a game keeper shouts. 'Dinae drink thon waatur! It's foo ae coo's keech an pish!

The man replies "my good fellow i'm English can you repeat for me", the keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands you'll get more that way"

[ForthThistle]

A man was cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland burn when a game keeper shouts. 'Dinae drink thon waatur! It's foo ae coo's keech an pish!

The man replies "my good fellow i'm English can you repeat for me", the keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands you'll get more that way"

Quality Geo...

[bobAlike]

Thanks for the excuse.

Click to see full-size image.

You should never need an excuse to post that.

[david3103]

Monday, September 19, 2011
A wife's confession
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?''
Martha said "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha said "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge". "I recall that" said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright" Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes..."

[bobAlike]

The wife bought me a lovely new rolex for my 40th birthday.
"Do you like it ?"she said.
"It's great!" I said "it will remind me of your pussy"
She laughed "is that because its exclusive and sexy?" 
"Nah, its a bit loose round my wrist!"