china mug on china mug by china mug for china mug courtsy of china mug...a diary

[china mug]

as a added spice for the xmas poker player get together at luton g i think i will bring some brown paper bags big enouth to go over a persons head and some kids coloured crayons ...players will be able to colour in a face on the bags cut eye holes and wear them in the poker game after the meal .....prize for the best face bag could be free entrey to the next monthley 20,000 guarantee.....
i know iknow i should have been in marketing selling the top brands of consumerables with my winning ideas or a spin doctor for some top politacal party ....there loss ....
other party orinated games and events to get the party atmosphere going could include standing on the booking in booth and lauching youself of on to the crowd of poker players and crowd surfing to the coffee machine ............hide the raj where one player leaves the room and you hide raj with just her head showing and the player returns and you see how long it takes them to spot her ,shes not allowed to ask for kit kats during this part of the game.............pass the cans where you get 10 players in a circle and they pass 5 tins of coke a cola to each other when the music stops the players with the cola  tins have  to open them  and down it in one and thats when they find out if its a standard can or one with ten trebour mints inserted..........spot the lady where you get some one up and hypnotise them then ask them all things personal and of a sexual nature ....and of course the ever popular bobbing for sex toys....
who says the spirit of xmas is dead,with a bit of luck we could film some of the events put them to music with some forward and backward repeat spliceing of the film and launch it onto the internet to go viral and end up on shows like 8 out of 10 cats and have i got news for you ......

so for your chance to go viral make sure you attend the luton g xmas nosh.....
ideas for party games welcome

[china mug]

i was thinking of writeing a bit about the leathagy on this site but i cant be arsed....
good crack at luton final table on saturday das was pissed as a rats arse and refferring to the league stalker from the asian contanent as ...that //////bastard,whic h comeing from him seemed realy funny.....the rest of his conversations seemed to cover which furrey jumper that he has would suit which player at the table,and he has onley two a blue one and a yellow one that makes him look like a budgie......he still finishes most of his sentances with the words ...isnt it you know
on sunday dave johnson mentioned that the quality of the 1 pound bag of sweets i provide is  a bit down market for his taste buds i assured him that we will all look forward to the up market ones he will no dout be bringing in in the future......in the loo latter i walked in as dave and another guy were just finishishing a male alpha male stand of with them both aggreeing to ....just leave it there alright......the conclusion of some dissagrement they had had at the table over one of them saying that the other had played realey stupidley .......so i chipped in ..is this the one that called you a ***** dave...dried my hands and walked out.......
i have started taking photos of luton regs to make a collarge and bring it in before xmas with all the old collages for the viewing pleasure of the regs.....some girl asked me what iwas going to do with the pictures ,as if she belived i had a ulteria motive........    .........   
o well see how i do tonite....
no word as yet on any xmas get togeather for the poker players regarding a xmas nosh ,maybe they secretley louth each other and would rather poke there eyes out with hot needles or sit in a corner with there hands over there ears going laa laa laaa laaa not listing ........must be a very familar corner



ifiruledtheworldandeveyonehadtodoexactleyasisayiwouldbringbackspacesinmytyping

[RED-DOG]

china mug is the new Alex Goulder.

[china mug]

no idea who alex goulder is ,im guessing he is some one of imense popularity wit charm and charisma,and a devastating poker player ......
last night at luton das accussed me of angle shooting when he thought i was a bit slow to turn my winning hand over .....i of cource evaluated all the information of his totaly unjust acusations and replied by accusibg him of haveing a bad hair day....latter he gave me half of his pizza he didnt want which i wolfed down ,trusting that he hadnt licked his finger and rubbed it on the pizza.....i was busy takeing snaps of the regs for the xmas collarge and i now get the impression that players want to be part of it.....i got lali chandera and meathanie together for a snap and lali did his usual ...what is it for ,whty are you takeing the photos etc....then he says to me as im takeing secound snap ...youre realy sick takeing photos....i replied ,so im realy sick am i ....when they come out shall i give you a copy lali ,he said ...o yes please.....
im stomping away in the poker league  at the begging of play last night i was 16 points ahead of jason ,who when i got up for a walk about enquired from the cash game ....are you out tom ......there are about 6 players who could overtake me but they will need to win twice in the few remaining days and me to win nowt.......all of which makes for a terse false modesty appearance above the water while they paddle like duck below the water.....
i suppose i do more to make the luton g club have a feeling of comaradery ,bringing in sweefs takeing snaps to create a history of all the the regulars ,telling the ever popular line ...so who knows any jokes etcwhich all helps to confirm my position as one of the most respected and admireded players in luton ,and britain for that matter.......
so the plan is shake of the klingons and win the poker league,,,,latest bid to stop me was rated at 5 pints for anyone that knocked me out of a comp,,,,,play every game in the free month ....take the money to dtd and gentings etc and win a 15ooo plus prize.....sorted....for i am a super hero amongst poker players ....im am the domino that causes the effect .....
i am tom

whats the differance betwean a unicorn and dave johnson bringing some sweets to luton g......no differance what so ever ....we all know what it is we all know what it would look like but none of us have ever actualey seen it...

[china mug]

so here we go,new year of poker ahead ,won the league and im playing every night ....onley two small cashes so far and i need to get 600 to go to dtd for friday  allowing for 440 game and xxxssss....a tall order as its now tuesday ,but not impossible....well see
in luton g on sunday i arrived late and joined in the new table they made when they eventualey got a dealer ,it seems that dealers have been jumping ship and not looking to work at luton g as if it was part of there wedding dowriefor any lenth of time ...at least i can realie on raj .....any way joined the poker table and playing for a while then william ...talks a lot...joins my table ...i think his secound name is vermouth or simalar ,any way hes of like a ferrit talk talk talk ,betting and raiseing etc....plus hes sitting side saddle right next to me takeing 1.25 hours to eat a ale pie and veg after he ordered hot dogs for him and his girl and after ten mineutes they came back and told him ...hot dogs are of we have no rolls....which sent william into a spree of words to the table about how hard would it be to send some one down to the super market to get some rolls....my word...onley in luton g....unbelievable....my word....so he looks at the menu again and orders the ale pie for two ....all of this is without missing a beat of his voice over the poker table about every hand he is in ....its not a voice over in the david attenburgh sence more of a wikie leak on crack with opinions .....the pie meal arrives but they will bring some of the veg latter they tell him .....my word ....onley in luton ....my word....sit side saddle and scoff....
he is amassing a wall of china in chips as he steem rolls players who leave with the last thing they hear ibeing words of wisdom muffled by ale pie ////
any way a new playerjoins my table in seat 9 i look up and see this image that looks like a drag laza minnellie glareing down at the table ,o my god we have a man in drag probley post opp ....i look away and notice the rest of the table seem to be feeling awkward at the new player in seat 9 ....i decide to say some thing to break the ice so that we can all relax and move on ....im thinking of saying ...welcome to the table ,have you been playing poker long ...you know break the ice ,shod now she is talking and showing her 50 some thing clevarge ....o bloody hell it is a woman....all reverse mouth ,i turned my welcome speach into some in ane comment about poker in mid utterance...and left out the bit about we are human ,accept this tranny or what ever ,and relax ....the game gose on ////
a young lad called jammie joins our table this lad looks like he should  be delivering your news papers and knocks on the door for his xmas tip,and you would think aahh go on heres a fiver tip for you to buy a comic and a bottle of pop with....he quickley sets about  raiseing every sixth hand to 3500 to play,so much so that i declare that a 3500 raise will here by be known as a jammie just as king four off is known as the luton nuts
im trying to get will to agree to a last longest bet as i have 3200 and he has 70000 i want 50 to 1 but would take 20 to 1 ,hes not haveing any of it ...so now im telling him i will never be able to take any thing he says about poker seriousley again ,hes turning his nose up at free money,sprinkled with a few ....my words...onley in luton ....idont believe it...my word......i finished with im not suprised thast they didnt let you have a hot dog ,thats reserved for poker players,my word.........
a youngish earley thirties guy has joined my table and he and she in seat 9 are trolling his i pad looking for dates of sites with names like ...more fish ....he declares earley that he wants good oral and all his comments are a rateing score on the probability of the girls on the sites to deliver....seat 9 is acting like his mum giveing advice on no....bad picture ...why face onley,must be fat,syco,too many teath ....raj comes and deels for us so william is asking her that she must have a asian friend that could fit seat 10s requirements,hes also practising all the rude indian words he knows....raj is now adviseing seat ten also with glances at the i pad screen and comments like ...skank,desperate,skelators sistor,

so there i am william on my right still munching his ale pie sitting side saddle waiting for the rest of his vegtables to arrive...........i know belive i am deaf in my left ear as all i can hear is william in my right....

seat ten has lizza minnellie on a bad day to his left and raj to his right dealing and commenting,.....its like a panel of x factor where the judges are vibeing to top each others comments.......i did think to ask raj if maybe she had a younger sister that could service seat tens requirements....but the image of me kneeling in front of a islamic banner with my hands tied and four burley guys with tea towle wrapped heads handing the biggest butchers knife you have ever seen to there slightley built college with a casino logo peaking out under her tea towel as she leans forward and amist all the chanting about ...god is good ...asks me did i bring any kit kats......kinda put me off the idea .......
seat ten is desamating williams chips ,my chips have grown ,....william is involved in a big pot with seat ten it all hinges on wheather seat ten calls if he dose william if hes bluffing will be left chip paupered ......i ask william if i can have the rest of his ale pie and veg.....seat ten calls william mucks.....

just another day at luton ........

this year and earley in the year if i have any thing to do with it ......i must win a poker game with over 10,000 first price......a more realistic new years resalution than loseing a bit of weight.......
foriamtomthewilliamslayerthelordofallipervayevenifidoneedtogotospecsaversiamthesecretdreadofanyhonestpokerplayerthatlooksattheretableandseesmenotforthejokesbutfortheresenceofnotknowingifhessuchatwatthowcomehetakesallmychipsandwhatdosethatmakeme.......

[china mug]

couldnt manage to get up to dtd so will have to go to luton and dascimate tonites comp,......for the want of a nail the shoe was lost for the want of the shoe the horse was lost for the want of the horse the rider was lost for the want of the rider the battle was lost for the want of the battle the king was lost......all because my bloody five pound split on 28/29 came in on the neigbour 12,last night....had it won and the next bet dtd here i come ........
photo collarge should be ready for tonite for all my adouring pubic

[china mug]

got my lap top repaired so now for some blogging.....soon

[china mug]

so here i am at the goliath in coventry......tucked up in the ibis hotelwith 10 quids worth of stella and a humungus array of crisps and chocelete ,played day one wensday with one of the tickets i got from luton g in there last the longest spree[when it was good value ] 5 tickets guarenteed worth £600 and onley 22 runners at £10 chaseing them ....havent played a whole lot latley and am a bit disjointed on whos who and whos a star .still saw john the pen at the game and his nephew arron was on my table,william that talks a lot secound name versuth or something similar was on a nearby table and i was just tuneing in to listen ,blinked and he was gone,could have been a big blind move not sure,,,,got blown out at level 9 myself played badley for no good reason and got spanked....one ticket down 4 to go...i popped over to tescos for my case of bear and saw they have a carvery called ...the deck ...top tucker and onley £6 ,i even gave a 50p tip i was so impressed......couldnt help noticeing a lot of fat old wrinkles about these days i fear we in the uk are going like the yanks across the pond crap food big portions and remote control[not the deck  that was great] .....any way im sodding tired and will have to see how i fair tomorrow....
realy sad about robin williams ...mork.... funny thing is when i heard i just new that someone else would go in the next day or so ...and there she whent ...that bird that married bogart,her name escapes me at the moment.....i remember when lady diane whent just before or after i forget which mother terrisa of calcutta cashed in ...
o well enouth about death,....spotted the nibble food dispencer behind me in the poker room had a packet of crisps hanging on the edge so whoever bought fruit pastills would get free crisps with it ...paid my 80 p ...machine not working got chris the dealer from luton to sort it and he and his budy gave me the chews and kept my bonus free crisps .....bad beat or what....saw the lovely dina ,she insisted in calling me mr..... and mr...... not tom or thomas , i can onley conclude that she isnt holding a candle for me any longer...sigh....come back nina i say...
i am going to make the final table of this goliath ,the elves and pixies told me so ...night  night got to pull the ring on a bear can......will post more about what katy did next tommorrow....

[china mug]

well here we go im at coventry staying at ibis...thursday morning....of to tescos opposite the goliath venue  into  the deck big eat ass much as you like breakfast £4.95 better than ibis nearley £8.00....two breakies latter im in to the goliath saw a few luton regs adrian the pilot and samy plus a few others that if i see them for another 3 years i will learn there names...honest justine...    .....   so were playing poker at about level 2 i get a call from my mate in the motor trade so i get up from the table to chat at the end of the chat im sitting down again and the dealer says i cant be on the phone and play ...i onley just sat down before the last 2 cards were dealt ,i was tempted to auto muck no look but just like a cash table that has played for 8 hours solid and are told that this is the last round of dealing and they all chorus o no play to the hour just to get another hand in ,i tell my mate goodbye and look at the cards....ten jack of hearts,i call 150 then guy to my left min raises to 300 small blind calls big blind min raises to 600 ....i call and origanal min raiser calls...flop ace spades 79 hearts...so i have straight and flush draw all hiden ....guy bets 1200 one caller then i call guy passes, turn is a rag we all check...river 8 hearts gives me the straight flush guy checks next guy checks i bet 2400 guy folds ,guy mini dwells and calls....i have a straight flush i state ....and win
just goes to show how if i had mucked that hand or sat down a few secounds latter and missed it all would have been missed....

so on we go playing poker and its 12 levels of grimmness a=i cant get my chips to rise above 40,000 my eyes hurt from stareing at spots on cards and i am realy thinking i dont remember running ten nuns over on the way here..but thats what i must have done to deserve this ample and most generous helping of poker nothingness no cards no pots just grind grind and fear ....
then it changed level 12 we are back from a break and i have 36000 chips,i am hitting and connecting like a person that has carnal knowledge of there femail parent....im winning so many hands that i cant stack the chips quick enouth .....ends up im back for day two on saturday with 391,000 i even won the rounding up the hundreds with one chip....

into hotel managed to drive there without zig zaging around all the round abouts as my sat nav says slip road on left on roundabout and take 3rd exit then keep right ...into room into two tins of stella and a breakfast bap roll i bought up from my mates restraunt in st albans flicked thru channels ate choklate and fell asleep....woke up and my brain thought 391,000 aaaaahhhhhhhh.
into shower chat with some other pokerolics in carpark and walk into coventry town....found a cobbled street called hay lane with a pizza express ,a curry in a hurry foodie place and a place called playwrights ,i chose playwrights as it reminded me of what a old style cake shop and sandwich restraunt would have been like in the eighties a bit like the restraunt in acorn antiques without the comedy.....i order a coffee and then go for the jacket potato and chilie ,my waitress dressed in a smart busy mums black number says she will just check if there are any jackets left...comes back no just sold the last one....its 12.20 pm...clearley there is no need for jacket potatoes after such a late hour.....not
so i have nachos which come without that green stuff grackamoli or simalar and basicley look like a 12 year olds first attempt at cookerey lessons...sigh out the window i can see punters on the tables tucking into currie jacket potatoes and all sorts....now im into a neg vibe about this place i check out the table and rub my napkin in the edge groove around the border its dirty wonderful ...nice place ...loads of customers even though it was 20 woemen all chanking and 3 men that couldnt get a word in but the prices are that bit higher to make you think you are getting a premium service and its not......
i take my secound coffee outside to catch the rays and think about poker ....and as noman wisdom said ...what a lucky chappy i am...i hear all sorts of different laungueges as people pass by lots of foreign students ....a young couple spainish i think with a small dog sit down and the girl trots inside to the restraunt to get there food ,im sitting chilling ,i see the guy glance at me from two tables away then move his jacket closer to him on the spare chair...
i see a van pull up ..gainsbourgh frozen foods ,the driver hurriedley takes two tupper wares of frozen currie into the currie shop....a man drinking a pint of guinness sits at one of the tables haveing waundered in from some nearby weatherspoon type emporium ...and i think 391,000

i pop into the catheredral and see a wreath in centre display from the town of bremen and as i read some of the info boards its very thought provokeing ,good on them all
i pop down the road as this is my exercise in towns like this when at poker gigs to get some exercise to combat the 8 hours of sitting looking at the luton nuts and 2 7 off outside the coventry motor museum which has a big metel pice of art spanning a hundred yards and 60 foot tall and looks like two big metal boomerrangs leaning against each other ,i see a chav with his little group of chavete cronies and this one has a pitbull which he is exciteing to jump up and hang on to a aliminium crutch he is waveing at the dog much to the approval of his pals ,i phone 101 and arrange a visit from the police for him,into free car musiem ,out again twenty mineutes later dog and chavetes are gone matey is sitting looking hard done by and two cops are exiting area.....result
into charity shop free dvds the sort of films and music you get free in newspapers ,donation if you wish ,2 pounds well spent.
down the road the pheinex pub live rock music tonite free entry 7 to 9 ,gosport street ,looks good for some seriouse chilling before tommorrows throw of fates dice.......

so any one in coventry thats thru to day two and footloose tonight get down to the pheinex gosport street ,any luton g staff that show up im buying the drinks,apart from chris who is too loud already and has given up drinking any way,packet of crisps for him........

good luck to all regs in day two ....

[china mug]

whent to music pub free entry at 8pm discover that music starts at 10pm.....feel mugged hang about had 3 pints and a kebab from 5 doors down the road then watched 5 songs from the band girl singer has about 2 square feet to gyrate on stage with without knocking over instruments or tripping on wires....part of her performance due to the limmeted space includes sinking to her knees and doing a im going back to the womd set,twat is dancing and pulls his tee shirt over his head to make a cheastkinni  whielst swinging around his girl in a crude almost folk dance motion that would not look out of place in terry wogan  floral dance...bar maid asks if i want a drink ,ill just see if i like the music i say......sod this i decide rock group my arse a singer that is practiseing amateur yoga and a coked up twirling fork lift driver ...time for bed said zebbadee...into taxi into hotel and sleep....

then back in the room its saturday 6.30am at 12 we play day two.......
like the scene from gladiator when the romans are just about to do battle with the germainins in the forest and russell crow is prepareing himself mentally...then a lite arrow is fired ab=nd all hell breaks looseand russell is slaying and slashing left right and centre....just like that i have to do the same in the poker sence because make no mistake its not a game or a bit of fun or a chance to meet up with mates its war the price for loosers is a lonley grive home ....and just like russell i will fall from my horse and i will just have to hope that a ruddy great great dane launches to my rescue with a two outer....
the next post here will ever be
yippee im thru to final on sunday
or
some pratt who shouldnt be let out alone cracked my kings with 67 suited

and remember winning isnt everything ....its just that loseing is shit
good luck all regs

[china mug]

lucked out 79th....£610 ,better than a gold fish in a blender smoothie .......
good points
got to play a lot of poker
chatted to a lot of like minded players
 got to tell my joke on the feature table where any viewers will have heard it,the one about whats the best way for a poker player to commit suacide ...shoot himself...hang himself...no jump from a very tall building , that way if he changes his mind about killing himself half way down ....hes got the other half to change it back again ,some of the players actualey laughed

o well onto the next game of worth
shazbut
 

[china mug]

car engine is revving 70% of the time when im stuck in traffick,warning light comes on saying,,stop engine tempreture ,,clutch is chewing itself up and spraying metal fillings over engine area and the exhaust is blowing in another place,on the bright side ive got a 89p bag of iceland loolies and sweets {no kit kats} so im of to luton win the game no bissness and then hit ebay tommorrow......sorted

[china mug]

wow  whoopee yipta hooray
are all phrases that i wont be using to describe my lousy outing to luton g a month ago ,it was a £80 plus 8 some thing or rather i have bean a bit ill of late [ probly too much cafe food ] any way i whent to luton early and used the hardware cafe to eat at which ment parking in matlands car park paid my £1 ticket nice meal , now to get my pound back im into matland got to spend £5 to get the pound back grabbed some pants [not armani] and im queing up a bit bent over with stomache pain etc the que is long and the sales assistants seem bent on asking each and every customer do you want this and do you want that ,got served eventialy in to car and in to g casino just in time for a hurried start as opposed to the relaxed smooth plan i had planned ....card dead ...grind on....even more card dead....super grind on.....o look up ahead there is some thing comeing ....another portion of card dead.....im out
driveing home and the only saveing grace is a pound of the matland pants ....whoopee not
....................

into the 25/25 manager [uncle festers love child] seems to keep telling me when there is a buffet as if im some sort of buffet monster ,ive bean told by one of the entrance staff i cant take in sweets , anyway 25/25 i fell better and im getting some good stuff ,busted some poor soul with my jj making a flush on his gg and got thru to day two .......two from bubble im out ....no cash....65k pot....im walking away and some spainish card room manager is told we are on the bubble he jumps up and declares..good ..as i slope pass ......
realy down as i had enouth chips to ladder but chose to go for it and got handed my arse in a sling...

.........................................

had a go at the £80 a few days ago ,cant actualy remember much to say......no cash

..............................

spoke to uncle festers love child who wants to attract all the old regs back  dick lynch ,edna ,nean, ect i suggested a 7 card stud game with no reg fee invites for vetrans
so whats new and whats good at luton g ,  i still ask     so who knows any jokes     and declare that the dealers all hate me when i lose a crucial       young wannbees talk about variance and paul negrano   
i have a new line in joke which is to ask usaly paul
is it still love if you are the only one in the room
is it still love if its your sister
is it still love if they dont have a pulse
is it still love if they have more legs than you

incaseyouthinkthisisnotatomoriginaljustaddupthespellingmistakesoyesimbackitsasifihaveneverbeanaway.

[celtic]

Welcome back Tom.

Post more regularly please.

[Chompy]

Great stuff Bernard, keep it coming.