Things that made you laugh

[RED-DOG]

I had to go to a really posh house to give a quote for felling a tree; I walked down the long drive and was just about to knock on the door when a huge Alsatian came out of nowhere, barking and snarling

I stood stock still to allow him to give me a once over, but he just kept on barking and stalking towards me, there was no point in trying to outrun him, so all I could do was wait and hope for the best

He came right up to me and put his front paws on my chest, I could see his white teeth gleaming and smell his fetid breath, I thought he was going to tear my throat out

At that moment, an upstairs window opened and very refined lady put her head out. She shouted to me in a shrill, upper-crust voice, “Kick his balls”

I didn’t need telling twice, I drew back my foot and let fly, planting my size 10 right in his conkers

“Noooooo!” the lady screamed, “Not those, the ones on the lawn”

[The_nun]

 

[charmaine]

 

[Rod Paradise]

 

Cracker Tom!!!

I remember the story about the 2 glasgow coppers called to a domestic... the senior one's in talking to the couple, the junior's in the hall calming down the kids... a ball rolls down the hall to him, think's I'll get the kids playing a game.. flicks it up & volleys it to them, it's their hamster in an exercise ball 

[Poppet7]

Lee Evans never fails to make me laugh!

[Sheriff Fatman]

I was trying to think of something while I was reading the thread.  Then I realised my answer is RED-DOG!

Sheriff

[suzanne]

I was trying to think of something while I was reading the thread.  Then I realised my answer is RED-DOG!

Sheriff

  My exact thoughts

[RED-DOG]

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, they're not laughing now!!

[Sheriff Fatman]

Actually, on the canine theme, some friends of my parents run a guest house in Blackpool.  For a few years they had a pet Doberman.  Very fierce looking but actually the world's most cowardly dog.

Once you'd got over the shock of meeting it for the first time it used to be quite fun watching the expressions on people's faces when they also encountered it for the first time (which in a guest house was a fairly common occurence).  There'd usually be a vicious-sounding bark from the kitchen as it heard the door open, followed by the sight of this monstrous dog bounding towards them.  Once it got to within about 8 feet of the newcomer(s), it would suddenly remember that it was scared of all humans, give a little yelp, and then run back to the kitchen even more quickly.  The people who had been brave enough to stay put would be left utterly shocked, confused and very relieved at the same time, which made for some interesting expressions on their faces!

Sheriff

[Heswall]

Once, far back in the mists of time, I had a long-term boyfriend who was somewhat eccentric (I go for eccentrics) and who had that wonderful quality of being inquisitive about the world and the way things worked.

Now, we all get sleepless nights and many men use this time to play poker or watch porn. Oh how I wished he'd used this particular sleepless night to watch porn...

I was woken up in the dead of night by a very worried man; a man who wanted me to phone the hospital right away as he feared he was dying. This isn't the sort of thing one's mind is equipped to deal with at 3am so I snapped upright and flicked the light on to find him naked and with bumps...large bumps all over his rather skinny frame. I'm not a doctor so my mind was flipping between the possibilities of bubonic plague or some odd grub picked up off a bunch of bananas from Tescos that had burrowed its way beneath his skin and was about to erupt in to a hellish infestation which would have our house quarantined until we, the occupants, had been eaten alive.

I reached out and gently prodded a bump....it moved away. Right; so that was bubonic plague out of the window as a possible diagnosis and back to the possibility of some weird banana-lurking grub.

Oh how I wish I could tell you that that I spent the next week watching men in quarantine suits sealing off the street...

No, it was my man's curiosity about the human body and not some weird grub that was the culprit. It would seem that, whilst most men would happy watch topless darts at 3am, this man had decided to see if testicles can be inflated. Naturally testicles are not like Reeboks and there is no pump mechanism so he'd happened upon the really sterling idea of making a small incision in the scrotal skin and applying a bicycle pump over the hole. After 5 minutes of pumping he'd noted that his testicles did not, in fact, appear to be anything other than red and somewhat sore so he abandoned the trial. At this point he noticed the bumps.

I can tell you that phoning the A&E at St Georges in Tooting in the night and telling the nurse "my boyfriend has blown up his balls with a bicycle pump and now has pockets of air all over his body and thinks he'll die, will he?" was not a high point for me. Neither was repeating the episode to the on-duty doctor who was ushered to the phone and who told me, between muffled bouts of laughter, that his life was in no danger.

I can now say, with some authority, that if any of you chaps should happen to feel the urge to inflate yourselves, fear not because the body will absorb the excess air in approximately 3-4 days.

For the ladies out there - let this be a lesson to you that sometimes it's better to go for the guys with the beige sweaters and a good stamp collection than the ones who are temptingly bonkers.

[dik9]

Why have I got the urge to wince and reply .............WTF?? Takes curiosity to a new level?

[The_nun]

I must have led a sheltered life....

[ACE2M]

Once, far back in the mists of time, I had a long-term boyfriend who was somewhat eccentric (I go for eccentrics) and who had that wonderful quality of being inquisitive about the world and the way things worked.

Now, we all get sleepless nights and many men use this time to play poker or watch porn. Oh how I wished he'd used this particular sleepless night to watch porn...

I was woken up in the dead of night by a very worried man; a man who wanted me to phone the hospital right away as he feared he was dying. This isn't the sort of thing one's mind is equipped to deal with at 3am so I snapped upright and flicked the light on to find him naked and with bumps...large bumps all over his rather skinny frame. I'm not a doctor so my mind was flipping between the possibilities of bubonic plague or some odd grub picked up off a bunch of bananas from Tescos that had burrowed its way beneath his skin and was about to erupt in to a hellish infestation which would have our house quarantined until we, the occupants, had been eaten alive.

I reached out and gently prodded a bump....it moved away. Right; so that was bubonic plague out of the window as a possible diagnosis and back to the possibility of some weird banana-lurking grub.

Oh how I wish I could tell you that that I spent the next week watching men in quarantine suits sealing off the street...

No, it was my man's curiosity about the human body and not some weird grub that was the culprit. It would seem that, whilst most men would happy watch topless darts at 3am, this man had decided to see if testicles can be inflated. Naturally testicles are not like Reeboks and there is no pump mechanism so he'd happened upon the really sterling idea of making a small incision in the scrotal skin and applying a bicycle pump over the hole. After 5 minutes of pumping he'd noted that his testicles did not, in fact, appear to be anything other than red and somewhat sore so he abandoned the trial. At this point he noticed the bumps.

I can tell you that phoning the A&E at St Georges in Tooting in the night and telling the nurse "my boyfriend has blown up his balls with a bicycle pump and now has pockets of air all over his body and thinks he'll die, will he?" was not a high point for me. Neither was repeating the episode to the on-duty doctor who was ushered to the phone and who told me, between muffled bouts of laughter, that his life was in no danger.

I can now say, with some authority, that if any of you chaps should happen to feel the urge to inflate yourselves, fear not because the body will absorb the excess air in approximately 3-4 days.

For the ladies out there - let this be a lesson to you that sometimes it's better to go for the guys with the beige sweaters and a good stamp collection than the ones who are temptingly bonkers.

that is bizarre and brilliant. lol

[Royal Flush]

This man is pissing himself laughing!



And looking for a  bicycle pump!

[Dewi_cool]

Why? U got a funny puncture