O/T Fridays funny post ;)

[londonpokergirl]

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moanig about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or pysical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Pushit!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Chistmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch  Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

[matt674]

The International Rules of Manhood

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.

But then that means that no man is ever allowed to break wind ever again?!?!?!? (unless climax is a city just north of birmingham)

The International Rules of Manhood

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex,

Can i ask how this differs to drunken human sex?

[steeley68]

londonpokergirl - you ARE obviously the spy you mention in rule 16. If you are not, how did you manage to get a hold of our 'manual', our 'holy grail', our 'bible' etc...

[thetank]

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

People actually do this?

Killing them and eating them, firm but fair.

[ACE2M]

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

People actually do this?

Killing them and eating them, firm but fair.

Recently suffered the embarresment of some home video shot by my girlfriend when the post stag night improptu singalong started in our front room. What a sorry sight we were.

[TightEnd]

Next month I am off to Sheriff Fatman's stag weekend in Riga, Latvia

Should be great. Cameras are DEFINITELY banned.

[Ironside]

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice

i have 365 birthdays a year guys if you want to treat me (i have a day off on a leap year)

[Ironside]

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

my average conversation would be

phone rings she answers "hello" i reply "he........." hangs up phone

[thetank]

Next month I am off to Sheriff Fatman's stag weekend in Riga, Latvia

Should be great. Cameras are DEFINITELY banned.

Beware the mobile telephone camera.

[TightEnd]

Good point. God forbid evidence of me dancing in a casino should ever see light of day.

[steeley68]

Good point. God forbid evidence of me dancing in a casino should ever see light of day.

 

[stallyon]

There has been a recent modification to above said rules under the 2006 act of International Rules of Manhood. Here are the recent additions.

Rule 1 : has been changed to Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. In fact, under no circumstances may any man own an umbrella unless it is a sprting umbrella and its sole purpose is for show and not to be used for protection against rain.

Rule 2 : addition of appendice (f) When catching your penis in your zip

Rule 10 : always misinterpreted as most women ake aforementioned climax. It is now deemed that a woman's climax is not as important as your own so this has been changed to read "You may flatulate in front of a woman only after she has brought you to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend."

Rule 11 : Fruity alcohol drink now extends to wine and alcopops and not just cocktails.

Rule 21: additional phrases added include:

(d) Have you lost weight?
(e) Those shorts sure do look good on you

Rule 24 : it is now seem ok to still ask for sex after admitting it was a big mistake. Ply her with more drink if she refuses.

[ACE2M]

Good point. God forbid evidence of me dancing in a casino should ever see light of day.

lol

No self respecting man would do something so stupid.

[thetank]

Can erm, my friend, still cry at Forrest Gump?

[steeley68]

Can erm, my friend, still cry at Forrest Gump?

Male or female?