blonde poker forum

laugh till your sides quite literally split... 

I met a Dutch girl with  inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but  unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were  chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving  once and for all that you can't haveyour kayak and heat  it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then",I  said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said"You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt  saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The  other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her  up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local  supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got  lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke  chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he'strying to pull a fast  one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".  He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean  Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do  the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make  Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than  anything:trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of  people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up  to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I  said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in  great mood tonight because the other day I  entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........  one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and  talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a  Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I  want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you  again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world  chess champion) and there was a check table cloth. It took him two  hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll  take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis  players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a  witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two  schoolbags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this  man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an  item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load  of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts  walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out!  Wedon't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into  a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start  anything"

A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The  barmansays, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich  walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don'tserve food  in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a  club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his armand  says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who  shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and  were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament  victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office  and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open  foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the  puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One  of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a  picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells  her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her  husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've  seen Amal

very good

Am I the only person alive who finds Peter Kay incredibly unfunny?

Nice one, Bandit.  rotflmfao

Don't undertsand this one though?

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who  shot my paw."

Am I being thick?

I thinking along the lines of Paw - Father? 3 legged word play maybe?

Not sure that was my thought though I never laughed at that one lol

When i was a kid, i prayed and prayed to god asking for a new bike. Then i realised that god doesn't work this way. So i nicked one and prayed for forgiveness.

Yes.

I like this one:-

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

I'm pretty sure most of the one liners above are not Peter Kays though, there was a blond chap a few years back that specialised in these but i can't remember his name.

Tim Vine - I think these jokes are all his.

Tim Vine!!

Bugger, nice one Andrew, it was driving me mad!!!!!!

I was just googling for his name when i shoulda just read here :D

nope...Peter Kay has never made a good joke in his life. the man simply isn't funny...unless you are a pensioner in a 50's holiday resort.

You mean that you don't find him funny, not that he isn't funny - humour is subjective.

no it's not...the man isn't funny..nothing subjective about that. Garlic bread? yes, garlic bread...doesn't matter if you say it 15 times...it's still garlic bread and it's still not funny. (and to use the same jokes in your standup routine and in your TV shows simply shows you are not even creative enough to come up with new lame jokes)

Aceept it..I am right..Peter Kay is not funny, you are all wrong. :)

Those one liners are a bit simple for my taste - something I would laugh at when 5 y.o on the outing with my grandma.

how about this letter, i think its pretty funny;


Dear Granny,
                     I am sorry i missed your birthday last week. it would serve me right if you forgot mine next tuesday.

                           Love  jack

Yeah...here are some funny one liners

From Ahmed Ahmed.

"An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet"

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.

Rowan Atkinson

"I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese"



When was the last time you saw an Iraqi in a f***ing helicopter?
-- (UK pilot after US marines fired on his Chinook Helicopter)

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'

South Park.

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.

Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley....and the sweet thing is, the stupid a$$hole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.

and the rest is tommy cooper

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".  

   A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."  

   My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.  

   So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."  

   And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.  

   A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'  

   I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'  

   Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!  
  
 So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'  

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.  


I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!  

   I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.  

   I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.  

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.  

   Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.  

re the Tommy Cooper ones:-

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Fantastic_Tim_Vine_one-liners

I saw him live once.,..absolutely top class.! ad thanks for the link. i was positive I saw tommy cooper perform some of these jokes (on video or telly)..glad to be corrected.

Thanks Boldie,

Henny Youngman was one liner specialist:

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"


thanks for the link

Chic Murray:

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself.

I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it

Jethro:

I got stopped for speeding.
The policeman said: "are you the driver of this car?"
I said: "well, it's an automatic but I try to be here when I can".
He said: "you were doing 65 miles an hour".
I said: "Rubbish, I haven't been out an hour".
I told him: "this car will only get to 40 uphill".
He said: "what's wrong with that?"
I said: "I live at 56".
He said: "So, we have been drinking, have we?"
I said: "Well I don't know about you but I've had 15 pints".
He said: "I want you to breathe into this bag. It will tell me if you've been drinking."
I said: "I've got an old bag at home that will tell me that".

Class.

I feel like drowning my troubles...
... but I can't get the wife to go swimming.