Some Peter Kay Jokes

[GlasgowBandit]

laugh till your sides quite literally split... 

I met a Dutch girl with  inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but  unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were  chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving  once and for all that you can't haveyour kayak and heat  it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then",I  said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said"You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt  saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The  other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her  up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local  supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got  lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke  chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he'strying to pull a fast  one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".  He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean  Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do  the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make  Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than  anything:trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of  people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up  to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I  said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in  great mood tonight because the other day I  entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........  one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and  talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a  Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I  want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you  again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world  chess champion) and there was a check table cloth. It took him two  hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll  take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis  players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a  witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two  schoolbags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this  man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an  item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load  of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts  walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out!  Wedon't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into  a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start  anything"

A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The  barmansays, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich  walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don'tserve food  in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a  club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his armand  says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who  shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and  were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament  victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office  and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open  foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the  puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One  of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a  picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells  her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her  husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've  seen Amal

[roverthtaeh]

very good

[Gryff]

Am I the only person alive who finds Peter Kay incredibly unfunny?

[snoopy1239]

Nice one, Bandit. 

Don't undertsand this one though?

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who  shot my paw."

Am I being thick?

[GlasgowBandit]

Nice one, Bandit. 

Don't undertsand this one though?

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who  shot my paw."

Am I being thick?

I thinking along the lines of Paw - Father? 3 legged word play maybe?

Not sure that was my thought though I never laughed at that one lol

[SupaMonkey]

When i was a kid, i prayed and prayed to god asking for a new bike. Then i realised that god doesn't work this way. So i nicked one and prayed for forgiveness.

[ThinkerJE]

Am I the only person alive who finds Peter Kay incredibly unfunny?

Yes.

[ifm]

I like this one:-

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

I'm pretty sure most of the one liners above are not Peter Kays though, there was a blond chap a few years back that specialised in these but i can't remember his name.

[AndrewT]

I like this one:-

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

I'm pretty sure most of the one liners above are not Peter Kays though, there was a blond chap a few years back that specialised in these but i can't remember his name.

Tim Vine - I think these jokes are all his.

[ifm]

I'm pretty sure most of the one liners above are not Peter Kays though, there was a blond chap a few years back that specialised in these but i can't remember his name.

Tim Vine!!

[ifm]

Bugger, nice one Andrew, it was driving me mad!!!!!!

I was just googling for his name when i shoulda just read here

[boldie]

Am I the only person alive who finds Peter Kay incredibly unfunny?

Yes.

nope...Peter Kay has never made a good joke in his life. the man simply isn't funny...unless you are a pensioner in a 50's holiday resort.

[AndrewT]

Am I the only person alive who finds Peter Kay incredibly unfunny?

Yes.

nope...Peter Kay has never made a good joke in his life. the man simply isn't funny...unless you are a pensioner in a 50's holiday resort.

You mean that you don't find him funny, not that he isn't funny - humour is subjective.

[boldie]

Am I the only person alive who finds Peter Kay incredibly unfunny?

Yes.

nope...Peter Kay has never made a good joke in his life. the man simply isn't funny...unless you are a pensioner in a 50's holiday resort.

You mean that you don't find him funny, not that he isn't funny - humour is subjective.

no it's not...the man isn't funny..nothing subjective about that. Garlic bread? yes, garlic bread...doesn't matter if you say it 15 times...it's still garlic bread and it's still not funny. (and to use the same jokes in your standup routine and in your TV shows simply shows you are not even creative enough to come up with new lame jokes)

Aceept it..I am right..Peter Kay is not funny, you are all wrong.

[tantrum]

Those one liners are a bit simple for my taste - something I would laugh at when 5 y.o on the outing with my grandma.