blonde poker forum

just to cheer up all the  cold blondes out there,
Just received this 1 made me smile ;D

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'. 

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'. 

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'. 

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!.






We can take two arseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you
be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

 

"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the Doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family suffer from this condition?"
"No" The concerned patient said.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"No, I don't work." came the reply.
"Well what do you do all day?" Asked the Doc.
"Watch porn and eat Wotsits"

:)

Whats similar between a tornado and marriage?

It all starts with lots of blowing and sucking but you usually end up just losing your house.

Manchester united manager Alex Ferguson sent scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to help united win the title.
 One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar, so Ferguson flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Old Trafford. Two weeks later Man u are 4-0 down at home to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. Ferguson gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off  Rooney, who he nearly forgot was even on the field. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for United. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me". "Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time". The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mum, "Its your bloody fault that we moved to Manchester in the first place!"

3 women, 1 engaged, 1 married and 1 a mistress decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and masks.
The engaged woman says "My man leapt on me and we made love all night long."
The mistress adds "Me too. We had wild sex all night."
The married woman sighs "My husband came home took one look at me and said what's for fucking dinner batman."

:)

A mate of mine just tried the new viagra eye-drops.  He now looks hard.

Where's the jokes?

+1

I bet they have formed another secret forum for them

An elderly couple are visiting a farm show and have a look in the prize bull tent. The first bull is a magnificient animal and it's plaque says..."Champion Bull, sired 50 calves this year". The old woman digs her husband in the ribs and says "Look at that Stanley...once a bloody week...you could learn a trick from that". The next bull is bigger and it's plaque says..."Regional Champion Bull, sired 100 calves this year". The wife pushes her husband and says "Look, twice a bloody week...you could learn a thing or two from that". The last bull is the biggest and best in show, and it's plaque says "National Champion Bull, sired 360 calves this year". She scoffs at her husband yet again "Jesus Stan...every bloody day...he certainly puts you to shame doesn't he?" Stan quips back "Yeah but to be fair love he's not shagging the same old cow every day"

A sixteen year old girl was killed yesterday in a Sledging incident.

Serves her right, Girls shouldn't play cricket.

Sandy

What's this?

(http://i369.photobucket.com/albums/oo133/cia260895/ist2_2196840-hand-gun.jpg)




























Tom thumb with a hard on...

I get given this at the security window of the all night petrol station.

(http://www.nestle.ca/NR/rdonlyres/B2D0D7B5-D1BF-4A23-B697-D624C290D51A/0/KKChk50g_May07.jpg)

ffs, I asked for a regular KitKat fatso.

There are 10 types of people

those who understand binary, and

those who don't

they could all understand it to different extents though as you work your way up the scale from No1 who doesnt even know what day vit is to No10 who has a PHD in maths

Ultimate phone prank

1. Call the childline number and say 'i've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?'

2. Operator replies 'you're through to childline'

3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE @~*%, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE !"£$%^&''. before hanging up the phone


Sandy

Yes hilarious, clog up the already overstretched lines and who knows, you may even stop a child who genuinely needs help from getting through.

Please !

If you see somebody fall over you'll probably laugh even though they might cause injury to themselves. Something can be funny even though there can be a more serious side to it. Do you actually think i know anyone who has ever tried to do that ?

You found my avatar funny but i wouldn't expect a family who were missing a kid who'd been run over to do so.

At the end of the day the thread title says it all.

Sandy

Ive done it 4 times since you posted it

You are way too lazy to look up the number !!!!

Sandy

Your avatar says "Thieves operate in this area"  ... I thought it was a fergus reference, I dont get the comparison you use above ?

And I absolutely pmsl when i see people falling over.

It's a speed camera sign that has been altered.

Never mind.

You don't like sick humour but you like anti Scottish stuff.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,
Holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at
The boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
Cheek. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed
And the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
Cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few
Seconds.
He blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me
Put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put
It on her knee. He blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out
Over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down
With a furled brow. "Well noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
More serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye,"
Said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
Anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
Three pennies?"

Sandy

That's a pretty decent one to be fair. I smiled

henrik777 redeemed imo


Rule of thumb I go by is that it's ok to be controversial, offensive, sick, or even downright perverse so long as it's funny enough. Childline prank calls are pretty hackneyed and so do not qualify. :(

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

ʎpuɐs

Use ebay.co.uk next time, not ebay.au

Was trying to support British workers and since there are more there ....

Sandy

People falling over is fecking hilarious....especially if a bucket ends up on their head.

There are three F's of funny - Fat People, Farting and Falling Over.

If a fat person farts so hard they fall over it's the golden triple crown of comedy.

I never wanted someone to fall over so much in my life, it was a bit of an anti-climax tbh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyqY4dZprOM

Sick IMHO

probably just bad timing, maybe that poster isnt aware of what happend.

I thought so too Mo.  Unlikely Bolt.

Pat and Mick walking along the road, throwing stones at the Ground.....








.....Pat Missed!

oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck i hate joke threads



off too shoot myself as the shit we are going to get in the mods rooms in next couple of days will do me in

Not at the time.

Sandy

Comedians will tell you that Tragedy + Time = Comedy

in this instance I doubt that the Time part of that equation will ever be big enough to make it balance.

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her tits are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your tits to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her tits.
"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse, didn't it?"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect', her husband said.
'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.

'i don't kill flies but i like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I am way too high!'

n1