blonde poker forum

I thought I'd attempt to start a thread about things that made us laugh.. so I'll start!

I am sitting at the desk, chatting on the internet, Leon is in bed asleep in the same room... I look over at him and he bursts out laughing, puts his thumbs up at me and says 'HAPPY 2p DAY!!!' and starts giggling again! This is one of the many things that he has said in his sleep, I make a note so I can remind him every morning what he said to me!

Other things include:
"Can you take the cushion off of the ceiling"
"Can you see that... look... there's monkeys spinning everywhere!"
"Sophie just move you STUPID COW, its under your pillow" "What is?" "Oh for gods sake, you are so stupid, the bank is under your pillow!"

What has made you laugh??

In a simliar vein. My wife once asked me to roll over in bed to give her more room and I asked her to send me an email and I would look at it in the morning.

Thats well funny!!

I once passed out on the stairs at a party.
I had made it known earlier that I was working the next day.
At 7am, someone woke me up and asked me what time I started my shift.

Apparently I shouted "fourteen" then went back to sleep. It was very funny at the time I'm told.

Something that made me laugh yesterday was when I was on my webcam to Skippy and Leons sister started dancing in the background, I can imagine what he was thinking.. I think he'll agree that she is bonkers... and a bad dancer! :dd:

Stop feeding him those magic mushrooms ;)

My daughter Sadie to my grandchildren who were running about with a scarf

"If you don't behave I'll wrap that scarf around your neck"

Harry our 3 yr old fell into a deep sleep on the setee last night , he woke 4 hours later , waved and said " i played with water today " picked him up and noticed he had peed on the setee  rotflmfao  ( leather  phew ) bless him .

Gonna have to get Paul to post on here , theres so many things that make us giggle in our house  but my memory is crap to be honest .

My fiancee asked me something when i was in a deep sleep i told her i'd need her serial number before i could do anything... repeated a few times and i wake up to her in tears wtf had i done? lol She said id started shouting asking for a serial number else id terminate the call.

I was working in a stressful call centre at the time LOL

A few years ago, when casino's finished at 4am I worked in Cromwell Mint in London. I used to stay in London during the week and come up to Brum for my days off. The London Liner started running at 7am, and I am now on my days off.

All I remember is that when the journey started, I was on the top deck and just settled down to watch the "in flight" movie that started playing just as we left Hendon.
(let me put you in the picture a little bit, I was really knackered and I am a really heavy snorer)

My next memory is waking myself up with a big fat grunt, just as we hit spaghetti junction. To which the whole of the bus gave me a standing ovation, clapping and whistleing and the titles were coming up on the video screen. Dazed and confused, as i usually am when i wake up, I asked the lady sitting next to me what happened, she said that no one had been able to hear the video despite a traveller turning the volume up to maximum. Due to my "outrageous snorring" ;scarymoment; I nearly wet myself in the Taxi from the station, recalling everyones faces :D

One night at my local casino , i was playing on the electronic roulette, i was with my friends letti and james, james was play in a cash game. Someone had left half a credit in the machine next to me, so printed the sheet with ten pence on it, I got a pen and add some zeros to the end,lol  i went to show james who thought i really had won10k, after the laugh and joke, i went back to letti and sat down. But i had left the ticket on the side. 20 min later letti said "look hes found your ticket" well that was it we where laughing so much, trying to keep a st8 face , the man kept looking at the ticket, then put it in his pocket, and walked over to the cashier, we couldnt controll are selfs, he really thought he had a winning ticket, but it was funny the way he acted when he found it.

Laughed to myself today because I went to put something in the bin before work and my leg gave way, I was so embarrassed falling into the bin because there were loads of people around, I just carried on walking..smiling to myself!

West Ham beating Villa Again hahahahahaha

sounds like fun - where was it again?? ;)

On the bedroom wall apparently ;) He pointed them out, although, funnily enough, I couldn't see them!!

I had to go to a really posh house to give a quote for felling a tree; I walked down the long drive and was just about to knock on the door when a huge Alsatian came out of nowhere, barking and snarling

I stood stock still to allow him to give me a once over, but he just kept on barking and stalking towards me, there was no point in trying to outrun him, so all I could do was wait and hope for the best

He came right up to me and put his front paws on my chest, I could see his white teeth gleaming and smell his fetid breath, I thought he was going to tear my throat out

At that moment, an upstairs window opened and very refined lady put her head out. She shouted to me in a shrill, upper-crust voice, “Kick his balls”

I didn’t need telling twice, I drew back my foot and let fly, planting my size 10 right in his conkers

“Noooooo!” the lady screamed, “Not those, the ones on the lawn”

 :D :D :D :D

 rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

 rotflmfao rotflmfao

Cracker Tom!!!

I remember the story about the 2 glasgow coppers called to a domestic... the senior one's in talking to the couple, the junior's in the hall calming down the kids... a ball rolls down the hall to him, think's I'll get the kids playing a game.. flicks it up & volleys it to them, it's their hamster in an exercise ball  :D

Lee Evans never fails to make me laugh!

I was trying to think of something while I was reading the thread.  Then I realised my answer is RED-DOG!

Sheriff

  ;applause; ;applause; ;applause; My exact thoughts

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, they're not laughing now!!

Actually, on the canine theme, some friends of my parents run a guest house in Blackpool.  For a few years they had a pet Doberman.  Very fierce looking but actually the world's most cowardly dog.

Once you'd got over the shock of meeting it for the first time it used to be quite fun watching the expressions on people's faces when they also encountered it for the first time (which in a guest house was a fairly common occurence).  There'd usually be a vicious-sounding bark from the kitchen as it heard the door open, followed by the sight of this monstrous dog bounding towards them.  Once it got to within about 8 feet of the newcomer(s), it would suddenly remember that it was scared of all humans, give a little yelp, and then run back to the kitchen even more quickly.  The people who had been brave enough to stay put would be left utterly shocked, confused and very relieved at the same time, which made for some interesting expressions on their faces!

Sheriff

Once, far back in the mists of time, I had a long-term boyfriend who was somewhat eccentric (I go for eccentrics) and who had that wonderful quality of being inquisitive about the world and the way things worked.

Now, we all get sleepless nights and many men use this time to play poker or watch porn. Oh how I wished he'd used this particular sleepless night to watch porn...

I was woken up in the dead of night by a very worried man; a man who wanted me to phone the hospital right away as he feared he was dying. This isn't the sort of thing one's mind is equipped to deal with at 3am so I snapped upright and flicked the light on to find him naked and with bumps...large bumps all over his rather skinny frame. I'm not a doctor so my mind was flipping between the possibilities of bubonic plague or some odd grub picked up off a bunch of bananas from Tescos that had burrowed its way beneath his skin and was about to erupt in to a hellish infestation which would have our house quarantined until we, the occupants, had been eaten alive.

I reached out and gently prodded a bump....it moved away. Right; so that was bubonic plague out of the window as a possible diagnosis and back to the possibility of some weird banana-lurking grub.

Oh how I wish I could tell you that that I spent the next week watching men in quarantine suits sealing off the street...

No, it was my man's curiosity about the human body and not some weird grub that was the culprit. It would seem that, whilst most men would happy watch topless darts at 3am, this man had decided to see if testicles can be inflated. Naturally testicles are not like Reeboks and there is no pump mechanism so he'd happened upon the really sterling idea of making a small incision in the scrotal skin and applying a bicycle pump over the hole. After 5 minutes of pumping he'd noted that his testicles did not, in fact, appear to be anything other than red and somewhat sore so he abandoned the trial. At this point he noticed the bumps.

I can tell you that phoning the A&E at St Georges in Tooting in the night and telling the nurse "my boyfriend has blown up his balls with a bicycle pump and now has pockets of air all over his body and thinks he'll die, will he?" was not a high point for me. Neither was repeating the episode to the on-duty doctor who was ushered to the phone and who told me, between muffled bouts of laughter, that his life was in no danger.

I can now say, with some authority, that if any of you chaps should happen to feel the urge to inflate yourselves, fear not because the body will absorb the excess air in approximately 3-4 days.

For the ladies out there - let this be a lesson to you that sometimes it's better to go for the guys with the beige sweaters and a good stamp collection than the ones who are temptingly bonkers.

Why have I got the urge to wince and reply .............WTF????? Takes curiosity to a new level? :D

I must have led a sheltered life....

that is bizarre and brilliant. lol

This man is pissing himself laughing!



And looking for a  bicycle pump!

Why? U got a funny puncture

Great story Heswall, entertaining read.

I lauged long and hard that he felt he needed to try it for the full 5 minutes before he noticed the bumps and gave up. How long would he have gone on for otherwise I wonder?

The boyfriend sounds very innovative. I think he should get a job inventing things that they sell in that catalogure which falls out of the Sunday paper.
Who says necessity needs to be the mother of invention. Insomnia is the true bringer of all things wierd and wonderful into our lives.

Sure it turns out he wasn't onto anything on this occasion, but one day he'll stumble across a doozy that will change all our lifes for the better. Or at least come up with something we can give to folk we don't really like at Christmas.

Last night I banged my head on a sign that said in large capital letters 'MIND YOUR HEAD'.

It made my friends laugh...

Good he didnt use the hoover  ;)

I read a story once about a bloke who tried to do his on liposuction on himself with a hoover, he died from it of internal blinding.

I read that the police discovered three men eating fireworks and drinking battery acid

They charged two and let the other one off

Robert HM... just Robert HM!!  rotflmfao

This picture of my cat Chalky, he was having one of his superman dreams again!  :D

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When I read the cruise chronicles 1st post and red dog and robert hm are saying 'no you say goodbye first' etc. Made me giggle :)

I'm still waiting........

so am I

I just got back from Norwich on Sunday and My wife and I decided to treat the kids to a Mcdonalds and some ice cream as I had been away for a few days. Well it all kicked off for me when my !year old who is learning to talk got her happy meal, goes right in for the toy only to find a boys toy, then she chucks it accross the resteraunt hits a bloke on the back of the noggin whilst saying " stupid pig " ( sheas at the stage where its cute ) Unfortunately the poor bloke who got whacked with this plastic toy was munching on hus big mac at the time of impact, Needless to say said Big Mac was promptly spat all over his attractive female companion.

I was trying to appologise to the bloke but between not losing bladder control and laughing like a mental patient it was impossible.

LOL! That made me laugh, cute but funny!! :)

My cousin Anona had been shopping and when she got in the car she was showing us what she'd bought. She showed us her trainers and held one up for us to see. Leon said 'Oh they're nice, how much were they?' - Anona replied '£60, but you get two!'  :blonde: I still tease her about it now!

I don't know if any of you have seen the Vaporesse ironing water but we had a cheaper version in the house which was called something like 'Rose and Lavender'. Seeing as Leons parents got the cheap version without Vaporesse written over it Leons Dad drank some one day, when I heard about it I couldn't believe he'd drunk the ironing water! He'll never ever live that one down!

wtf is ironing water? water you put in your iron? people pay for that?

My 8 year old daughter was intrested in the poker games that i had played on the net, and would watch me, one day i was in a freeroll and had buit my stack to being chip leader with 48k, it was break time, so i made a coffee, Alanis was sat in my seat, i got distracted for a few minutes. When i got back to the game, i noticed i only had 18k left, i asked Alanis where had my chips gone, she said " you had 10 4 os so i called it all the way". Cheers Alanis. i still made the final table.

One morning i had played a game, and had to get on with some house work, Alanis wanted to do painting on the computer, i was in the kitchen when i heard " dealing flop" so i rushed into the living room to find her playing a 7stud cash game $2-$4 limit game. with a $150 bankroll. she had won me $40 in the last 2 hands! I sort of told her off,

But the best one yet was when it was a break and she played the first hand after the break, she told me she folded KK because it wasnt suited...arrrggh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I dont encourage her to play, but i know her father let her play a £1 pl stt, which she came 3rd with no help.

Standing on top of the Empire State Building last year I heard one american woman say to to her husband "Honey I cant see the empire state building from here"

Me in the bahamas - Can you tell me where the restroom is please?

Staff: "Around the corner to the left"

Several minutes later - me "sorry I cant find the restroom"

Staff: "Oh I'm sorry - I thought you wanted the ceramics class"   Anyone have any idea what that was about?

Me on second day of poker at my table "which seat is Tracey Dell please?"

dealer: seat 5

I sit down and open my chip bag

dealer "Don't open the bag, its for the players"

Me "I am the player"

Dealer "oh I'm sorry - when you asked for the seat I thought you were watching them, I didnt realise there would still be any women left in the tournament"

Laugh? - I nearly cried....

Quite fantastically typical. I hope you milked that one for it's worth.

I was too stunned.....I suppose there are male Tracy's so it was a reasonable assumption I might be a man....;-(

That made me laugh. Is this true? Do people really pay for 'ironing water'?

Yeah its just fragranced water so that when the steam comes out of the iron the clothes absorb it, not point really because clothes smell nice when they're washed anyway!

I'ts De-ironised water, the same thing you top batteries up with

Hold on your de-ironing the ironing water, do you have to pay extra for that?

stuff that .. I just use water from the tap, on the rare occasions I bother to iron anything

Er yes, but if you don't, ordinary water will discomknockerate your iron

I would suggest that replacing discomknockerated irons is more economical in terms of both finance and effort.

In fact keeping ironing to an absolute minimum (not doing any) is my prefered option.

I don't indulge in ironing enough for it to discomknockulate my iron :)

Have to keep Mrs Red busy, otherwise she gets ideas

I love that Ruth... the kings weren't suited so I folded!!  rotflmfao

Back in the days on cannboid and bongathons at uni, I was sat with my ex missus (very stoned) when we were watching the pope on news 24 talking about the Arab-Israeli conflict.

The missus comes out with "The pope isn't Jewish is he?" with the straightest face you've ever seen.

The Barons avatar and caption!

Whilst waiting for a number 23 bus in Aberdeen city centre arguing with the ex-girlfriend, who wanted to cross the road, as the bus stop said...

1,2,3,4 Queue this side
22,23 Queue other side

When I went to Disneyland Paris with my school when I was 15, anyway I'm a bit of a loud mouth and started taking the p*** out of Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee... anyway they both started chasing me, and boy... did I run! All my friends were waiting and laughing so hard at the sight of me being chased by the two huge characters!

I had to shave my hair off because i lost a HEADSUP game :dontask:

? Bit drastic was it chaffing his ears?

Watching the A-Team, Murdouch and B.A of this make me laugh

I was on holiday in Zante with a few mates when we were in our early twenties. We all hired mopeds / motorbikes and thought we were the bees knees. It was where "onespeedo" originated but that's a different story.

One of my mates had taken a more powerful bike than the rest of us because he had a bike back home. We were all sitting in a beachside bar while he was on his bike revving it loudly across the road, and generally being a bit of a twat.

As he did this, his accelerator must have stuck or his clutch slipped, he flew forward and hit a kerb, which catapulted the bike up and over a low level wall and straight into a fairly busy restaurant. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so much.

On the same holiday, you'd have thought he'd have learned his lesson, but he did exactly the same thing as we stopped near a sports stadium to watch a soccer match. All the players had parked their proper motorbikes, all gleaming and new, in a row outside the ground. The idiot went straight into them, and about 7 were all knocked over like dominoes.