blonde poker forum

A 400 pound alligator.  

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTnRSyRWhIeNCb-Vkrz8voLjDqlt3uP7j13_FgvsTKOjZP73_CP)

You have a knife, plus access to whatever the terrain gives you

(http://i01.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/245/813/399/399813245_504.jpg)i  

You are both in a 1 acre area, which contains some water

(http://www.crocodilesoftheworld.co.uk/conservation/images/shutterstock_55579336.jpg)

Neither can leave until the other is dead

(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/04/28/article-1174358-04B500B1000005DC-480_634x341.jpg)



Do you win or lose?

I win, and I have a nice new handbag.

lose, he has a nice big lunch

Lose....

Even if you are lucky to get on his back, quick enough to administer enough stabs, and get off again, he will still have you....that skin is mighty hard to stab.

Just guessing like.

Big?

You are going to be in SO much trouble.

you've lost me!  the question is if i would win? 

What kind of attitude is that?
You two and Matt deserve to be eaten.

Alligators are a bit soft, so we win.  Salt water croc we lose, freshwater croc easy win.

Honesty is one of my values.  I'm not much of a fighter, I would give it a go but doubt i would be quick or strong enough. 

Surely lose, even if you managed to stab both of its eyes out they still have a very good sense of smell?

Win or lose, I'll drink the booze.

We don't have to use brute force or speed, we're going to bide our time, fashion a rope from plaited bark, make noose to slip over its jaws and then stab it in the soft bits.

I'm assuming the alligator isn't smart enough to know the rules of this game so we have a massive advantage unless he's absolutely bloody starving already.

They aren't evil creatures and they won't attack unless hungry or threatened so I'm pretty confident this only ends one way and that way doesn't look good for the alligator.

Pretty sure I'd win.

I once made a desk tidy for a GCSE project out of pine and a lot of glue. This feels ambitious.

I'd climb a tree and my only chance would be forming a Tal-Alligator Alliance.

(http://i.imgur.com/PFp0djw.gif)

Haha!
I am aware that my faith in my own abilities sometimes verges on delusional, but I genuinely think I could take out an alligator, mostly for the reasons Evilpie points out.
If it were a lion or a grizzly though I think I'd probably use the knife on myself to save having to listen the sound teeth make on a human skull.

If it comes down to waiting it out surely we're going to starve to death before the alligator? Or we have to drink the dirty creek water and lose to some water borne illness?

We have the best weapons of all, a big brain and the power to reason.

We don't use the knife you stab the alligator, we use it to construct a simple pitfall trap with sharpened stakes at the bottom.

Stabbing it in any 'soft' bits will have no effect. You will have to get it in the back of the head, straight into the brain.

Is Mr Gator just going to sit nice and quiet while we dig this pit?

I've watched Swamp people you know, and that doesn't seem likely!

If he is happy to sit tight for that week I'm digging though, i'm in!

I'd climb a tree and starve to death.

Actually, I'm no tarzan, I'd probably injure myself falling from the first branch and he would slowly walk up and eat me.

I like Red's thinking, something other than stabbing it.   Ideally I'd not want to touch it at all!   

Not sure if I'd win or not but I certainly wouldn't give up if one of us has to go.

We've only got an acre to work with so we're going to have to be very careful watching our back whilst the trap is under construction.

An acre is about 4000 square metres so if we assume a square(ish) area that's only about 65m x 65m

The trap is going to have to be reasonably deep for the alligator to impale himself on our stakes and the stakes are going to have to be firmly embedded to not fall over on impact. This is going to take time to construct properly.

I don't like the thought of being at the bottom of a deep pit burying stakes whilst there's an alligator roaming within 30 metres!! If he falls in with us we're done for!!

I'd just do a Steve Irwin and make a lassoo of sorts out of some of my clothes, then try and lassoo it around its mouth as best as I could using a stick until I can get in close enough to tie it better. Wouldn't be straight forward, but with a bit of patience it could be done. Game over once the mouth is out of action...

surely you win or die trying

a human can last a long time without food, albeit with a serious lowering of ability as time progresses

but without water we wont last very long at all

water is the alligator's home, but we need it to survive, so either we go into the water with the knife plus any other offensive/defensive tools we have made and take the alligator on when we have as much energy as we can, or we try and secure an area where we can safey get water while working on a better plan of attack.

for me it'd be a case of find the alligator, and try and get something in it's mouth, jammed down it's throat as far as i can get it, so preferably a good sized tree branch that i'd sharpened with the knife, perhaps even putting a backwards facing fork into it so that if i were able to get it into it's throat it would jam there, that way the alligators main weapon was disabled and i'd hopefully be able to then use the knife to dispatch it quickly, not for it's sake, but for my own

All in all, i think it's reasonably easy win for the human, like red said, we have a brain that thinks much better than a gator's.

interesting idea though, more details of the water depth and surroundings, what time of day it starts, are we expected to try and locate and fight a dark skinned creature at night etc etc etc

Good idea. Not heard much about him lately, what is he up to these days?

Popped his clogs a few years back unfortunately, freak accident with a stingray in the wild.

Killed by the very thing he was stalking?

Gotcha.

lol not a chance I'd go into the water to get him out. I'd rather use myself as bait by the waters edge to tease him out rather than go in with him lol. But agree, win or die trying...

How many things had he stalked before he got done? Huge odds for him, reckon I'm evens at the very worst  :)

Win for me, watch way too much animal channel growing up.

Trick is to get underneath him be creating a suitable trap and providing bait!

:-)

There is no way I'm getting dead here. That said, we need a lot more info if we are going to formulate a decent plan.

How much water is there? where is it? What shape / depth?

Is the ground soft or hard, grassy or rocky?

Are there boulders?

Is there any flint?

What shape is the land, what forms the borders?

Are there trees? How big / what type / are they climbable?

Are we wearing a belt, boots with laces?

Is there other useful flora/fauna?

I think the pit/trap won't work as it will fill with water as you are near the water table. If I found some string I would fashion a spear with the knife. With no string then I am wittling a lot of long staves and jamming them into it's mouth down it's throat. Reckon I am a 1/5 favourite with that plan.

If no pit trap I'm making a 10ft spear to jam into it's throat. That way I don't have to get close.

Here is the explanation, as i want to know the plan

the area is square. It is bordered by 12 foot high fencing all round

about 1/4 of the area is a kidney shaped lake. At its deepest, it would come up to your waist

In the diagonal corner to the lake is a wooded area of mature trees. you can climb them, and rest in them

the wooded area was bigger but part of it has been cleared, and the tree trunks and branches chopped down lie in a pile between wood and water

the area in between is grassland. Damp and soft.completely flat

there are no boulders.


Grylls-Dog, over to you

do we start on land or in the water?

what time is it?

moon state?

are we healthy?

have we eaten recently?

you enter the fray, the gate is shut behind you.

you do not know where the alligator is

its midday. its hot

there is no artificial lighting, when the sun goes down, thats it til morning

you are healthy.

you had 3 shredded wheat for breakfast

there are no food sources in the area but there is no contamination or health risks in the water

Is there a flushing toilet?

If not, have we pre-evacuated?

winner!!

Trees are in the corner? Climb 'em and jump the fence  :)up

the penalty for escaping whilst both you and the alligator are alive is death by UKIP Quotations piped into a white room, until you die

What about the 12ft f**king frog!!!

but you can drink the water, if you can find a way of safely doing so

Climb a suitable tree, hack off a stout stave, tie knife to one end, wait for alligator to approach, (drip a little blood around base of tree if necessary) then plunge your long and suitably weighty knife pointed spear into it's brain.




Or, construct a nice deadfall trap.


(http://img.wonderhowto.com/img/16/82/63408478948133/0/kill-prey-wild-with-survival-deadfall-trap.w654.jpg)

i'm back to my original plan with the exception of the following:

get high and try see the gator ASAP

assume you see it then get amongst the piles of cut up trees and branches and make something long and sharp to get down it's throat

when armed re-asses the situation

if gator is out of water and sunning itself, soaking up the warmth it needs to live, get up to it cautiously, and get that spear jammed as far down it's throat as possible then again re-asses, kill it asap if possible, or leave it to die slowly while you get a nice kip in the trees

if gator is in the water, avoid it while making your weapons, wait till morning, when it will be coldest and sluggish, then attack again with spear in throat technique

despite what films like to show, most wild animals do not hunt humans, they avoid humans. So we would be the hunter, and have to take advantage of that.

now this has gone on long enough, but it has kept me busy enough to while away a few boring hours at work

humans 1- nature 0

Next scenario?????

You're over-estimating how much space we have. It's an acre. It's just over half of the Wembley pitch to help give an idea.

A quarter of it is out of bounds as I think we can all agree we'd be toast if we went in the water.

We don't need to get high up to see the alligator. If you can't already see it then it's in the water.

They can run up to 20mph over short distances which is 9m/s. If it spots you and decides it wants you for lunch it's on you in 4 or 5 seconds!!

Unless the alligator is asleep you better forget about digging holes, climbing trees and manufacturing man-traps and focus on getting the pointy end of that knife pointing straight at it.

I wish I were Evil Pie. There's manly and there's what he just said.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Tal, am I allowed to bring my Magic The Gathering cards? If so, I might have a plan...

(https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRGX8quXJiJB2nwt6NTWZIaKiPxIjdFxYKJDTcJtSCIoz43NHNOEw)

Yeah, but Matt wasn't aware of the fact that 90% of Blonde is trained in the art of Jungle Warfare :D

One of the first computer games I ever got. On the ZX Spectrum. Even got a gun with it. Hours of fun. Immense.

(http://zxart.ee/zxscreen/size:2/border:0/palette:pulsar/mode:mix/type:standard/id:6655/filename:Jungle+Warfare_InGame.scr)

What exactly happens if you are attacked on land? I know the alligator would make short work of a person in the water, but I can't remember seeing them killing something out of it and I'm trying to imagine how it would play out.

Is it likely to charge at a person? If so, assuming it could catch you with people being more agile, would it just clamp on to your leg?
At this point you are likely to have fallen over, and you're crying, but hopefully still trying to stab it in the elusive soft bits. What does the alligator do now? Can it tear off a leg? If it can wouldn't it just eat that and then bugger off for a sleep? Or, is it clever enough to drag the kicking, screaming, stabbing you across three quarters of an acre into the water and finish you off?

I'm struggling here. The protection is easy enough to get around but can't see how to deal with the fact it cannot leave play.

That said Deflecting Palm should do the trick :)

So, a quick recap. So you are a Englishman looking for a mad dog You are also Ian T Botham who has had your breakfast. You then decide to smoke a Jamaican woodbine and think this dog is actually a crocodile now  .

.....then you go to Wembley to look for it. You get refused entry because, after the body search, they find your knife. *


*at this point you wake up from your drunken stupor and realise  it was only a dream brought on by reading something strange on that interweb








Is there prizes like what Vince gives out?

This is the way to tackle a crocodile - stand up in a wobbly canoe and throw a spear at it.

The highlight is at 38 mins, though the whole programme is absorbing.

YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WACGdBlj5M8

Cut a hole in the fence, wait until the alligator leaves, live happily ever after in the knowledge that it died at the hands of Farage.