As Neill Channing said " I could have been someone"

I always try and read what Neil has to say about poker and life as I find his dry sense of humor irresistible. I also happen to think he plays a great game of poker (as I told him about 18 months ago).

Anyway, the title of this month’s article; I Could Have Been Someone, really caught the eye. In fact, it could very well apply to some of the thoughts that come my way every now and then. In truth, considering the number of thoughts we get every day, I’m surprised I don’t get them more often. So what are these thoughts?

The other night for example, I just happen to watch High Stakes Poker on TV. And of course, if wasn’t long before I was transformed into the Yosser Hughes character from an old TV hit, Boys From the Blackstuff. In a Scouse accent, I could hear myself think, “hey, gissa job I can do that!”. Funny thing is, when I started on the poker road seven years ago, that’s exactly how I saw myself in the future. I wanted to rule the poker world, I wanted to be someone! 2002 gave me that chance.

However, as I mentioned in some of my old posts; I lost my way somewhat. Did I say somewhat? Lets see…..somewhat. Hmm, perhaps it was a little more than somewhat. Perhaps, not only had I put the future in danger, but it left me in a state of fear that cannot be put into words. Suffice to say, everything was on the line. And by everything, I refer to the only important aspect of life; I refer to the people in our lives we love. Because ultimately, we are nothing without them. And I feared letting them down more than anything.

Looking back now, I find it difficult to recall just how immense that fear was. But I also know that without it to drive me on, I could never have overcome the self-destruct of that period. I guess therefore, having escaped that self-created hell, it’s was only natural to get such thoughts. But you know, sometimes, you go searching for one thing; only to find out that you subconsciously really wanted something else all along.

Perhaps therefore, I wasn’t looking to become someone, but simply for some sort of an identity and a purpose to my existence. I guess I must have found that when I met my wife Leah. The problem was, I didn’t know it at the time.

So when we tied the knot in one of Las Vegas’ wedding chapels‘ in May of 2003, the doubts began. In fact, I found it difficult to even speak to her for the first two days of our marriage. Leah must have wondered what the hell she had gotten herself into. After all, we had been together for almost fourteen months by then, and the relationship was getting better all the time. So why did a simple wedding ceremony change it all? Especially since I had actually enjoyed the ceremony and even found myself becoming rather emotional. Did I not love her?

The truth was, I thought I had just ruined a great relationship by getting married. I guess the old demons had returned and I simply had trouble associating love with marriage. I guess the twenty-five years of my previous marriage were not so easy to forget. Luckily though, those particular demons were cast aside and Leah and I were soon back to normal.

Almost six years down the line and the past has really been put to rest. In fact, it’s like it never existed at all. I think from all the freedoms that man can obtain, there are none better then the freedom to love and to appreciate. And the reward? A relationship that just keeps on growing and developing. So when the ‘Yosser” in me starts crying out for a job, I cant help but look at what I have and discard those thoughts as quickly as they come. The problem is, those thoughts of poker keep coming.

Who knows, perhaps the day will come when such thoughts will not be so easy to get rid of? Perhaps the day will come when the old dreams and fire return and the desire to challenge poker again will be irresistible? In the meantime, I have much to be thankful for and much to appreciate and savor. But if that day ever came, I wouldn’t be looking to become someone, just simply someone I once was - but without the demons.