On reflection - part one

When looking back at how poker came into my life, it still astonishes me at the importance and impact it has made.

At the beginning, poker had simply become just another a form of gambling to a misguided and immature young man. But later, after many years of being denied my passion for sport (football mainly), and the competitiveness that came with it; poker was to become my only outlet. And as such, was to play a far greater role in how I would develop and grow in the future. Looking back now, it‘s difficult not to feel humble and truly grateful for it has brought into my life.

At the very start of becoming a “pro” (that always makes me smile - how can one become a pro with no money?) in the summer 2000, poker was my only possible way out. Having to start again from scratch at the age of 44, I just couldn’t see how working for a living was possible. What would I do? Go back to the fish & chip trade? The one that had become my whole life? The one that I came despise? The one in which I had stagnated for almost thirty years? The one in which I had even forgotten how to write letter? No, the trade was not an option. And so when my brother Kim asked me to consider partnering with him in a new business, my knees just went. It seems that just the thought of going back to the trade, made me weak at the knees.

At the time, I should really have said yes to Kim. After all, I was broke and bordering a breakdown. Surely, the security that the business offered, would be my saving grace? But it wasn’t that simple…... Firstly, I was tired both physically and mentally. I guess the trade had finally had it’s toll on the body and I had nothing left to give. Don’t get me wrong, the trade was demanding in terms of commitment and time, but there were worse jobs, But I guess the repetitive nature the trade had destroyed too many vital joints and tendons. And trust me, in the trade; a person needs good tendons. But was that the reason I rejected Kim’s offer? In truth, it was the least of the reasons. Because it wasn’t the thought of security that could inspire me at the time. I needed more, so much more.

To the family, I must have seemed mad. I know they must all have doubted my chances. If not for any lack of a bankroll, then it would have been for my state of mind. I guess they had every right to have such fears and doubts. In fact, I knew they did. That’s why I would try and assure them that I would be alright and that I would make it. But if I was honest, I didn‘t know if I was trying to convince them or myself. Perhaps a bit of both. But perhaps, I needed convincing the most. Perhaps that is the reason why I began this journey in the manner that I did. Perhaps that’s why I would tell strangers that I was a poker player and that I was going to conquer the world. God I must have come across as a cocky so and so. But perhaps I wasn’t telling them. Perhaps I was telling myself. Perhaps I needed to hear it as often as possible. Perhaps if I believed, then I might just do it. Perhaps feeling that way, was my only hope.

But looking back now, I can’t help but smile at how I would tell the barber, the newsagent, the taxi driver etc…that I was going to be a great poker player. Later, as I joined the ranks of the pro’s, I would tell the other players. I’m not sure how I must have come across at the time, but I think that my sincerity was obvious. But either way, I now cringe at the thought of how I must have seemed to some. But you know sometimes, just every now and then; you actually go on to prove that your feelings had been justified. And when that does happen, it’s as humbling as it gets. Because sometimes, a person can have very little control on who they are or what they achieve. And so when success did come, I felt honored to be chosen; honored to be given a second chance in life. Because at the end of the day, all I really wanted was a chance to develop, to grow, to learn and to perhaps find a peace and happiness that had been so lacking. I guess the more you ask for, the more humble you get to feel.

But that side is just one part of the story. And to be truthful, the other side was as bad as it could get. During that stellar year of 2002, my personal life was again in turmoil. In fact, none of what I was achieving had any meaning at the time. I guess having to walk away from another relationship just two years after the marriage, was just too much. That in itself is another story and too long to go into. Suffice to say that I was on auto-pilot to self destruct. It would just be a case of when I would come crashing down. But more importantly, what would happen once I did?

To be continued…..