Irish Humour

>>
>>
>>>A little Irish humour - Some old, some new.
>>>
>>>
>>> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
>>> "I
>>>almost had an affair with another woman."
>>>The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>>>The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
>>>I
>>>stopped."
>>>The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
>>>not
>>>to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
>>>$50
>>>in the poor box."
>>>The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>>>over
>>>to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The
>>>priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
>>>You
>>>didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>>>The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
>>>according
>>>to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
>>>
>>>
>>> _____
>>>
>>>
>>>There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
>>>entering
>>>the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
>>>The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>>>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
>>>to
>>>me seven times."
>>>The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass
>>>and drink the juice."
>>>The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>>>The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
>>>
>>> _____
>>>
>>>
>>>A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
>>>sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
>>>beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
>>>that
>>>before, so she stayed by his side.
>>>A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
>>>The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
>>>"cute."
>>>She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
>>>The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
>>>
>>>
>>> _____
>>>
>>>
>>>Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
>>>company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
>>>asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
>>>creature?"
>>>Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
>>>animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
>>>there's
>>>no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
>>>creature."
>>>Muldoon said,
>>>"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to
>>>them
>>>for the service?"
>>>Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
>>>tell
>>>me the dog was Catholic?"
>>>
>>> _____
>>>
>>>
>>>An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
>>>ensues:
>>>
>>>Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
>>>children,
>>>grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
>>>college
>>>girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
>>>three times."
>>>Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>>>Man: "What sins?"
>>>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>>>Man: "I'm Jewish."
>>>Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>>>Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
>>>
>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
>> -
>>>----------------------
>>>A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
>>>pest-control
>>>company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
>>>her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the
>>>lover,
>>>"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
>>>The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
>>>discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
>>>"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
>>>"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
>>>"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
>>>replied.
>>>"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
>>>The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."