Friday afternoon Humour

Hi all

Thought this make your Friday go a bit faster?
Letters to the editor that were never published

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this

summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports

Personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with

a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up

about it makes me proud to be British.

Ben Hunt

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like

to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He

hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P, Leeds

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart

disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long

and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their

minds up.

John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around

two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust

the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by

DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates

goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal

record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the

law, so will I.

P Boddington, Ringway

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well

as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as

slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a

belt.

Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the

final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct

answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson

with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer

was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises

immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst

holidaying with one's family?

Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this?

Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping

his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own

drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Alan Thakray

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia

have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never

been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland

ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with

young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns

and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on that muslim cleric Abu

Hamsa?

Les Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million

selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football

match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich

and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain,

a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it

a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about

Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies

for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail.

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try

to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis

in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he

played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the

exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope

that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of

humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly

took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this

taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I

was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown

"da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is

Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the

world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Thomas J