parenting advice needed

[Claw75]

I know this probably isn’t appropriate for a poker forum, but I know that there are others on here who have been through relationship break ups and I would really appreciate some advice. 

Although my ex-husband and I have tried as much as possible to ensure that our split has had as little effect on our daughter as possible, of course the whole thing has turned her life upside down and she’s not coping very well.  Since we told her back in October that we were splitting up she’s withdrawn into herself.  She’s fine when she’s alone with us, but she’s become very shy in group situations, and if someone she knows says hello to her in the street she varies between ignoring them and outright panic.  My ex took her out for lunch yesterday and a classmate of hers was there with her family.  He said she had been absolutely fine and immediately looked panicked and refused to eat anything, and said she wanted to go home.  That night after he put her to bed he heard her crying into her pillow and choking back the words ‘I want my mummy’   Although she has got a couple of friends in similar family situations, I think she feels upset and jealous when she knows the majority of her friends are living with mummy and daddy, not one at a time.

We have both been aware that she has been crying and hiding it from us.  I have tried to reassure her that it’s ok to cry and be upset, and that mummy or daddy will always be there to listen to her if she wants to talk about how she is feeling.  When she does talk about how she is feeling, she just says that she wants us all to live together again.  I explain that mummy and daddy weren’t happy living together, but she says that she was happy.  It’s heartbreaking to know I can’t give her the one thing that will make her happy.  I feel so terribly guilty on a number of levels.  Firstly because in the months before the split I would frequently try to hide from her the fact that I was upset, and she, of course, could tell that I was, so I am worried that that is behaviour she has picked up from me.  On top of that is the overwhelming guilt I feel for splitting up with her dad.  I tried – I really did – to make the relationship work, but I was so unhappy.  I somehow feel now that in order to keep my daughter’s happiness intact that that is something I should have put up with and lived with at least for a few more years.  The flip side of that, and equally guilt inducing, is the fact that I am so incredibly happy in my new relationship, whilst at the same time my daughter is obviously so sad.  It makes me feel so selfish and it’s eating away at me.

I’m at a loss for what to do other than for myself and my ex to keep reassuring her that we both love her very much, and to heap praise on her at every opportunity to help her in rebuilding her confidence.  I feel like such a failure as a mother, and am so worried about the long term effect this might have on her. 

If you’ve read this far, thanks.  Would really appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been through similar.  Is it just a matter of keeping life as it is now as routine and stable for a long time (and how long – 6 months, a year, 2 years?) until she gets used to the new arrangements (it’s only been four months since we told her we were splitting – the day before I moved into my new place), or is there anything else we could actively be doing to help?

Oh, just to clarify, our daughter spends equal time with me and her dad, on alternate weeks.

[turny]

claire

how old is your daughter?

sorry to hear that youur daughter is struggling to cope with the breakup , its not unusual in a break up for the children to be affected most.

imo sharing 1 week with you then 1 week with your ex could be the root of some of the problems. she doesnt feel settled being shipped back and forwards on a weekly basis. children need to feel settled, to have a home, at the moment she has 2 homes so this may leave her a little confused.

maybe she needs to live with one of you permenantly going to stay with the other every other weekend and school holidays.she will probably enjoy it more and actually look forward to it.
obviously the abscent parent should still see her a few nights a week maybe taking her out but always dropping her back to her "home" after.
children like routine and the more settled the better.

breakups are always hardest on the kids but they adapt with time.

[Colchester Kev]

I tend to agree with Turny here ... the week on week off is a tough one to pull off, kids feel pulled and hate leaving one parent to go off to another.

As for the crying, as heartbreaking and guilt inducing as it is, its natural.  She wants her mum and dad back together and she wants "normality" to return, and im afraid to say that those feelings wont go away for a lot of years, kids always harbour the dream that somehow/someday their parents will get back together even into their teens. they just learn how to deal with them being apart.

The only thing that you can do (and fk me I know this is hard) but try your very best to remain friends with your ex, DO NOT make her feel that she cannot tell you about fun times she has had with her Dad, and vice versa ... it sounds like you get on ok with the ex, so just keep doing what you are doing and if both of you keep on reassuring her and openly talking about things with her, she will be fine....  communication between everyone is the key to leaving as few long term scars as possible.

good luck and keep going ... you can only do your best, and you have my number if you ever need to talk.

[Laxie]

Awwwww, honey...wish I was there to just give you a hug.  My parents divorced when I was 4 years old and what the lads have already said above, is spot on from what I remember as the young child.

[Geo the Sarge]

Agree that Kev and Turny have it spot on, and they've both been there.

Don't have any experience of this so can offer little advice.

Suffice to say I hope it all works out fine lady.

Geo.

[M3boy]

Clare

NOTHING you can do or say can make things better, trust me, Ive been there!

Just make sure that you BOTH do the right thing by her, NEVER contradict each other over her welfare, NEVER use her as a "pawn" in the split.

I know the above will never happen 100% of the time, but just remember those 3 things and you wont go far wrong.

I also agree that she needs a "home" and then to "visit" the other parent. This is a decision only she can make as to whom the "home" and the "visitor" is. It is one of the hardest decisions she will ever have to make. Whatever you say cannot make her feel better as she will feel that she is choosing between the two of you - yes you can both reassure her that whoever she "choses" you will both be happy with, but tbh it will not make a difference.

Things will be hard for all of you - but it will get better.

No matter how well behaved, mannered, grown up she is, there will no doubt come a time when she will play you off against each other. This is where it becomes hard for both of you - but you MUST stand together on issues concerning your daughter.

If you want any further advise or insight into what she is going through, please feel free to pm me.

It WILL get better.

[celtic]

Clare.

Me & my wife split up when my daughter had just turned 4. The way we worked it out was that she spent the majority of the time with her mum, with me having her one night during the week and one night at weekends. i.e i pick her up from school on tuesday til after dinner on wednesday, then have friday about 6ish and return her saturday around the same time. (or saturday to sunday) It has always been agreed that if i wanted to see her any extra or vice versa then that was ok too. IMO a week away for a daughter from her mother is too much at that age, but thats only my opinion and from seeing how Holly is when she is not with her mum. There is no doubt that she misses her mum more than she misses me. It has worked great for us for over 6 years now. Maybe the prob lies with the long time she spends away from u? It's only a suggestion cos its the big difference between ur situation and mine.

Good luck.

vince.

[TightEnd]

I must admit I gave a similar view privately to Claire.

Week on/week off from the Mum is a tough one for a 4-6 year old girl, just thinking back to my own daughter's relationship with her mum at that age

[M3boy]

BTW, when I said "ive been there" I meant as the child involved in a split

[Claw75]

thanks everyone, and for the PM's also.  For practical reasons (and personal ones that I don't want to go into on here) my daughter living with me practically full time isn't really an option.  As well as being what we both (me and my ex) wanted at the time, we also thought it was important that she spent equal time with us both - maybe that was an error of judgement.  It's certainly something to think about for the future when situations change, but right now I think any change from the routine she's getting used to wouldn't be favourable.

I was on a bit of a downer when I posted this this afternoon.  I should say that for the most part she's doing great - happy and getting on well in school, it's just when she has these episodes like the one that my ex told me about last night it takes over and gets me down.  She phoned me this evening (she's at her dad's atm) to tell me she's learnt to skip 'properly' with a rope today.  She sounded so excited and full of life it was difficult to imagine how worried I'd been earlier.

We'll get through it, and thanks for the advice (even though I feel a tad more guility now!)

[Dingdell]

Claire - children are very robust but just don't like to feel different from other kids and seeing friends with both parents out and about can be upsetting.

It will get better, there are some great childrens books with stories about parents separating designed to read to children and show them that it will be ok. I'd recommend getting one and introducing it to bed time reading, children relate totally to stories, and 'knowing' someone else going through it may help her. x

[Claw75]

that's a great idea Tracey - don't know why I didn't think of it.  Off to look on Amazon now.  Thanks xxx

edit: just ordered these, which look good:


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0744589258/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203373849&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Was-Chocolate-Pudding-Little-Divorce/dp/1591473098/ref=pd_sim_b_title_5

http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Mom-Dad-Separate-Children/dp/0962050229/ref=pd_sim_b_title_8

thanks again Trace

[mondatoo]

Wasn't sure to post on this topic seen as i'm quite new to blonde and don't no u personally but all i wanted to say was i went through the exact same thing when i was around that age and although i remember at the time it was upsetting for me as i got older i understood that my parents wheren't suited for each other and was just glad they were both happy with seperate people.I'm only 21 so still a young person i guess and i would say its much better for it to happen now and therefore your whole life seems to have been like this in comparison to splitting up when they're in there teens and i imagine this would be much harder.Hope i haven't offended by posting on this and hopefully i've helped a little.Hope all works out well for you and your family.

[Claw75]

Hope i haven't offended by posting on this

Not at all.  Thanks modatoo x