blonde poker forum

but thought i may aswell as i treat blonde as family.

A few days ago my missus left me and took my daughter. Not sure what to do or where to turn.

Not sure whether I wanna get drunk or throw myself from a large building

The best thing to do right now is nothing mate, you will be thinking much more clearly in a couple of days, I promise.

BTW, that daughter will always need a dad.

Gulp .... DONT rush into doing anything at the moment, make contact with her and suggest a meeting in a day or 2 to talk things over.  When you get the chance to talk with her, you need to LISTEN and let her speak. keep calm and try and look at the relationship over the past few months .... good luck mate, I know where you are coming from and i know how you are feeling.  Just try to stay calm and remain rational, i know it seems impossible, but you have to do it for the sake of the little one.

Please don't drink too much or rush into anything

When things are a little bit less raw on all sides see if you can talk things through

Organisations like RELATE can help a lot if both parties are willing


I do remember when my marriage broke up, and what I felt like...every situation is different so its difficult to give specific advice...however I would urge you both to think of your daughter first and foremost in whatever you noth decide .

We wont get back together - thaqt has been made clear and in honesty although I love her my daughter will always come 1st.

I am gonna end up being a weekend dad, which is everything I dont wanna be.

My parents split up when i was young and it does make a difference IMO

Drinking is the easy way out I suppose, but seems like a good option currently - but agree it would be a stupid thing to do

Think of your daughter, and think of yourself.

Good advice from the others, so not much more I can add - except don't do anything rash whilst you're angry or otherwise emotionally charged.  You might end up regretting it.  Make all your decisions after you've had time to think about them.  If in doubt, sleep on it.

As you already know, drink's not a good idea. 

God bless fella.  Say nothing for now. It never comes out the way you want it to. remember you have friends here, when you feel low look at the folks who have posted and send them an email. We will all reply.
No drink, drugs or gambling for a while mate. Get your head clear and think ahead for you and your daughter.

Really sorry to hear that Smithy, it's certainly been a rough few months for you.

Difficult to know what to say other than to agree with the others and suggest trying to stay calm for a few days whilst you take it all in.

Your daughter's top priority but you know that already.

Hope it's helped you, in some small way anyway, just by posting it on here.

All the best, Keith

Been the worst 12 months of my life, but it will get better i am sure of that!!!!!!

Cheers guys

Really sorry to hear about your bad news Smithy, hope things get better for you soon.

People keep telling us things happen for a reason, hell knows how that's supposed to make one feel better but if it is true then things will become clear for you soon.

If the marriage has been Rocky for a while then eventually you will see how much better life is without that awful tension. Your daughter will benefit by having 2 happy parents again instead of a home full of atmosphere.

Who knows,  once you have both regained your original personalities , as these can be lost in complicated situations,  you both may remember why you fell in love in the first place and re-unite, but if not well then eventually you will realise it was for the best, but at the moment it has to be chin up.


Regards Maureen.x

I dont really know what i can say that already hasnt been said.

Just do 3 things, give your missus time, reassure your little one how much you love her and stay off the booze mate, its a depressant and it only going to make eveything worse.

And as Denis said between the people who have posted here, one of us is pretty much on here round the clock so pm one of us if your feeling low.

If pokers taught you anything it should be to keep your head up and dont do anything stupid and you will come through.

All the best.

Gareth

I can only echo what everyone else has said.

My thoughts are with you Smithy.

Smithy, as horrible as the thought of being a weekend Dad is, it is better than no Dad at all m8.

Hopefully you will take the above in the kind way it was meant.

Breakups are never easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,, time is a good healer though m8 - chin up

Feel free to PM me if you wanna rant/rave or just chat m8

that's really sad news fella,
give it time, things will improve and, as tom said,
that girl is always gonna need her daddy

No more advice to add Smithy, but just wanted to say I'm sure I speak for everyone on here when I say that we're always here to listen if you need to vent.

Claire xx

I can sympathise Smithy, time will put things into perspective, your daughter will always need you, of that there is no doubt. Try & keep positive.

I'm new around here, so I'm not sure if you want the advice of an old twonk like me - please feel free to ignore.

1) If you haven't been getting on, it's best to distance yourself, like everyone says.  When I split with my first mrs I was lost, but eventually I realised that it wasn't her I missed, it was our old relationship.  The time I was alone gave me the chance to realise what I'd done wrong ( basically being me ).  When I DID meet my current mrs, I've managed so far to keep hold of her by not making the same mistakes again.

So far that's lasted 14 years, & I wouldn't swap any of them for time with my first old lady.

2) When I started my 'new' relationship, I was in exactly the opposite situation to you.  I was the 'new' daddy, & my daughters 'proper' dad hated me for that.  He ended up not being able to talk to either me or his ex, so he lost contact with his daughter for years.  But she always missed him & when we gave her her first mobile phone a few years ago she made contact with him again.  Now it was my turn to feel let down.  But the bottom line is that she has plenty of love to go round, she never forgot her 'real' dad, & she still gets on well with me ( well as well as a teenage EMO  authority hating angel, can do ).

So it's corny to say, but time WILL get you through it, & if you offer your princess your love, she will want it, irrespective of what the future holds for her.

One other small piece of advice.

What everyone says about not drinking is true.  But when I was in trouble, it's easy to know what you should do, but sometimes you need to let off steam.  If you do decide you NEED to get ratarsed :
Don't do it at home - make sure you go to a public place where you're known.
If possible drink with a mate that will let you go as far as you need, but will stay sober enough to get you home.
If not go to a pub, stick £30 behind the bar, chat up the barmaid so she'll keep the drinks coming, & keep enough aside to order you a cab when either you get too pissed, or when the money runs out.

Don't do this more than absolutely necessary.  Don't get pissed as a crutch, but as a release.

And talk whenever you feel trapped.  To anyone.  We all obviously feel for you.  You WILL get through this.  Just dont ask too much of yourself, too quickly.

Best wishes.

Sorry to hear that Smithy. Listen to what all the others have said and give it time. If this split means you'll be a weekend dad don't worry about it too much, at least you care about your daughter enough to stick around for her, some Dads aren't like that and buggar off never to be seen again. Your little girl will be pleased she has a Dad, even if you don't see her as much as you would like. Chin up hun x

Can't add anymore to what has been great advice, well done all. My thoughts are also with you.

Geo

Sorry to hear that Boss

I've got to be serious for a minute, i think your avatar is in very bad taste.

What the hell kind of carpet is that!!! i mean what colour is it? hard to look at!

Bad news.  Chin up.
:)up

I am really sorry to hear you are going through this and my thoughts are with you. 

From what you say I feel you will always be there for your daughter and that is really important - that will be quality time, full of love.

Please know there are people here for you, and, I am sure, in other areas of your life, here to listen, to offer support, to let you know you are not alone, whether it be on this thread or by pms or email. 

Things will be so different and you will experience many different emotions which need vocalising in a safe, secure environment with friends (please try not to let things fester in your head) but you will regain "you" and you WILL get through this - you WILL find the strength to do so and who knows what the future may bring - it may bring reconciliation or, as the nun says in her excellent advice, two happier, less-stressed parents, and a new life eventually.  It is hard, but don't give up, and we are all behind you and there for you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I can assure you, I am experiencing it.

Take care, mate. All the best.

Really sorry to hear your news.

My oldest friend was in the same situation last year, he's wife kicked him out and they had only just had their second little girl nine months before.

He went off the rails for a bit and started drinking heavily and smoking cannabis and his missus used it all against him and tried to get the courts to ban him from seeing he's little girls.

He went through a bad few months, but he's now moved back to the Midlands and has just started a top sales job and seems a lot happier again, courts have told he's ex she has to give him access and he is so happy when it comes to the weekend and he gets to see he's girls.

I hope things start to get better for you as well Smithy

Take care.

Jeez Smithy, what a year..
i cant add anymore but like everyone said try and keep a clear head m8, for your daughter.
Best wishes, chin up and all.

The Blonde Family is allways here


Jason

There you go, a whole bunch of pals ready to help you Smithy.

My onlyadditional  advice is to throw yourself into your work for a while, it's a great painkiller.

Thanks Guys!!!!!!!!

I honestly didnt wanna go home yesterday from work, but left early and went and saw my mum for a cup of tea and a chat. She basically said the same as you guys and told me to keep my chin up. My old chap(step dad) sneekily gave me £250 and told me to go and have some fun to take my mind of it.

Thought about getting bolloxed but that wont sort it - so what did i do!!!!!!!!!!
I didnt wanna go home so just looked for something to keep my mind occupied

Called The Diceman and ended up playing poker till 5.45 this morning. I know some people might say gambling after the day i had was silly, but it honestly made me feel chirpier and thats all I wanted.

I popped round and saw Lottie this morning and she hadnt forgot me which was a worry, so i am a bit happier but I think their is no chance of me and Lisa having a relationship again.

OT - I was talking to The Diceman last night, who I like as he is down to earth with not a bad bone in his body and friendly to boot. He asked me if I felt Blonde was a crutch as I always post stuff on here, that maybe other people wouldnt.

I probably do but after nearly 3 years or so it feels like I know everyone and am happy posting to everyone. I told you lot before I even plucked up the courage to tell my mum and dad.

Ill be happy at BB, dont worry - I promise no sour face from Me
Sorry to be a grumpy barsteward and if I bring the general happiness of the forum down let me know

Just keep busy Smithy, no time to reflect.

Hi Smithy M8, just come to this thread, and really feel for you. You must feel lost.You seem to be doing all the right things, and bouncing ideas of us here on Blonde,is a great way to go.
Take everything one step at a time, and life will unfold as it should.None of us know what is round the corner,and I can tell you that there WILL be great things happening and great times to be had.
This advice will seem meaningless at first, but as Meny folk on here have said , time will give you better perspective on your life, at you will be able to move on.
Good luck, take it slowly, don't do anything rash.

it takes a man to do what youve done and you should be proud of yourself.,.,..,,.,.,you have some great advice from posts on here with people from experience.your little girl will allways be YOUR little girl and im sure things will work out for you.....
my dad allways gives good but strange advice...im sure he would say something like....
just think mate, things are the worst they can be at the moment they MUST only get better coz its the worst now.,.,.,.in a few days, you would have time to think and sort things out with lisa,and she might see the light im sure,she dosent really want this for your little girl,give her time and space and im sure she will come around.,.,.,and if she dont, its not the end of the world,i know people say oh you could have a leg missing or a arm or be seriously ill,just think how many people out there in the world a struggling to cope with just living and realise how lucky and gifted you have be to have what you have had,and still may have .and then you may think mmmmmmm maybe thing are not as bad as i thought,theres allways new chapters in your life, and this is just one of them times which is not one of you favourite ones,,,,think of all the good chapters,and im sure they outway the bad ones mate........i hope this may help a bit ,ive never been in this situation,but we are all sent diffrent things in our lives to test us and this is one for you...
stay positive,and relax,dont get uptight and dont go on the p155 it will still be there when your sober(with a hangover) face upto you problems and be a real BIG MAN like you have done on here with this post,you will overcome this (i feel like saying look into my eyes not around my eyes lol) you have bottle to put this up in full view,I ADMIRE YOU FOR THIS,i wish you well and good luck will be with you.......

Cheers Mate

I suppose I posted it because Blonde has become a part of my life, I am logged on everyday and stick it on in the background even if I am stupidly busy. I know that mind sound stupid but its become a routine, and more importantly a routine I love.

Things are put in front of us to test us. This is a big test, and hopefully we will all pass with flying colours.

Cant wait for BB

Smithy

Nuff said.

If you can get through this without sinking into the bottle, even occaisionally, you're a better man than I was.  And even I got through eventually.

sad news mate. if you do drown your sorrows one night, stay well away from the phone is the only advice i can give based on experience.

 4c Kc  bad news...

life can suck sometimes but before long if you follow the good advice on here i'm sure you will see some light at the end of the tunnel.

The soundest advice so far

i would agree with Tikay on this. best to keep your head down and keep busy from the minute you get out of bed til you go back to it.  whatever happens, you'll be fine and your daughter will always recognise you :) youre her dad!!

mad

Just to let you know pal that it does get better!
I was in exactly the same situation 17 years ago and because I was married to a foreign girl wasn't sure if I would ever see my daughter again.
I went the wrong way and got drunk........it lasted about a year! FFS don't do that!
Now though I have stuck at it and I have a great relationship with my daughter she is a huge part of my life and my new families life and she is now 19 years old!
Theres a happy ending in there mate you just have to write that bit for yourself!

All the best!

It's all been said, so just wanted to wish you well mate.

Very sad for you atm Smithy

I was where you are now 4 years ago,I can empathise with you

I wont go into detail, but it isnt a nice place to be where u are at now......


time is a great healer ( overused cliche ) and with support and time you will be fine

Gl to you and your family in the future

Yep time is the best healer, had a painful split (house pay out etc, thankfully no kids involved which obv makes it harder). Looking back was for the best....

Have got my little girl all day sunday - which I can't wait for. There is no chance of a reconcilliation so I have to get my head out of my ass, and get on with my life. Instead of 2 people to centre all my love and time, it is now only 1. Technically she will get twice as much now so maybe its a positive.

I had a few beers last night, but really only through boredom. I haven't drunk in months and not heavily in about 5 years(when I lived abroad) so not concerned about that.

Just gonna get stuck into work, save some pennies for Blonde Bash. That is actually 1 thing I do have to look forward to.

Hope you don't mind me saying this Smithy, but please try to stay friends with your ex, it will make life so much more pleasant for both you and your daughter in the future.

I think i have too, but its not easy.

I am moving out tonight and gonna spend a few weeks at my old dears - they are going on holiday so gonna house sit.

The hardest thing is from having a cuddle with my little girl at 5am every morning, and watching the same tweenies video every morning - to only seeing her on a sunday.

That is the bit that I am struggling

That is the real tough part to adjust to. But your precious time with your daughter will carry you through.

Red is right, if you retain good communication with you ex, it is so much easier on all, but particularly for your daughter.

Im so sorry you are having a hard time at the minute - but it will get better.  Why only sundays may I ask?  If you remain friends with your ex surely you can pop around for dinner a few nights a week.  Maybe take her out to the park a few times a week too, just for an hour or so? She will understand that this is the best thing for your child.  My kids are very happy, even though daddy lives somewhere else.  They see him still almost every day and love having a sleep over at his on a sat night.  Its quality time you will spend with your daughter... 

Good luck mate

she is only 10 months old so usually falls asleep by 6pm in the evening - I dont get home later than late - usually 8pm

I work an hour and a half away so going in my dinner hour isn't a possibility either. I could jack my job in and see her for an hour in the evening, and at lunch - but i cannot afford to do tha - especially as I quite rightly have to support Lottie

Don't do that Smithy, you're down to get the first round in at BB4 ;)
Seriously though, hope it all works out for ya. You've had a pretty bad spell of it the last few months!!!

Things have gone very much downhill i am afraid. I have now moved out of the town we were living, which means I can't see Lottie during the week.

I went out on saturday to watch the football,i walked into a pub witha few friends and at the same time she walked out. She looked at me, ignored me then started laughing outside. Not nice.

Then found out that the day after she moved out her best friend got her in touch with a male friend of hers. They had been texting constantly apparently. She can do what she wants but 1 day after we break up!!!! I thought that was pretty low

So I am now at my parents which I dont wanna be, but they are going on holiday on thursday so i get some space at least. I have literally taken my clothes and left everything else.

A quick question to all dads - I want to look after my daughter to the best of my ability and she will have everything i never had, but what do i do about money. I dont wanna pay for my ex to have nights out cos that money is meant for Lottie.

What is a appropriate amount do u think

If you're worried about her using your money for nights out why don't you agree to buy all her clothes or something like that so that you know exactly where the money is going?

My dad never paid Mum because he worried about that, and it was me and my sister that lost out in the end.

You will be ok Smithy, I'm here if you need to talk x

Smithy, if it seems she's going to be difficult about things I strongly suggest you seek legal advice before money starts changing hands, just so you are sure about where you stand with regards to access etc.

Well I give money to my ex and i know know for a fact it isnt all being spent on the kids....


but hey wot u gonna do? I have no easy answer..It's just my duty

In terms of keeping things easy between you get a lawyer's advice and even draft a letter to your ex  marking how much and when she gets money ,preferably into her bank account so u can keep tabs of it...the CSA is abandoned now,but the last thing u need is them on your case or their equivalent ( they are ruthless )...they sent me a silly bill and silly demands which quite frankly would have made me bankrupt within months.. until i could prove that money was and always had been passed over

Havne not been in this situation but i would recommend a standing order into her account even if for a small amount as that way it will be accountable later on, if needs be.

Good luck mate,

We spoke last night and again this morning and have agreed an amount. I am gonna pay her every sunday and get her to sign for it so at least I have proof I am paying for my daughter. She doesn't have a bank account hence why it has to be cash.

Today is a new day.

I am single again, reasonably good looking, earn a decent wage and have a wonderful daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe things arent so bad as I thought

Thanks Blondes

You sound pretty chirpy today, so I hope you don't mind if I trivialise everything for a second here....

Giving that this was going to happen, you've picked a perfect time to do it.

It's going to be a long hot summer.

You can take your beautiful daughter for walks in the park on those warm sunday afternoons, when all the young ladies will be topping up their tans.

WHAT A PULLING TOOL !!!!!

This  man is a player !!!

 ;danafish; ;cupcake; ;woohoo;

good point, well made Sir!

lol good point!!!!

Positives

I am now on a diet, and gonna get fit again as I weigh 21 stone - I have never been classed as fat as I am a tall lad with broad shoulders, but still it is alot and isn't healthy + If I do start looking for female company then I stand a better chance if I am not a Rick Waller impersonator.

On a good note - I am now coming to BB on Friday night(roughly 8pm prob), Saturday and Sunday. My ex has asked if its ok for her to have her on the sunday as they have a family birthday - so I will take a few days that week to spend some time so i dont miss out.
Its a new day, and I have a new life!!!!!


Better get back to work

Smithy you are gonna have many tough times and rough days over the next few months or even years. Having been through this myself and still having the odd barney with my ex (I divorced the cheating slut 4 years ago now) I know how you are feeling I can promise you. You say your ex did the dirty on you one day after leaving well I can say at least she had the decency to wait that long, if I had had as much sex when I was married as my ex wife did maybe I would still be married. The main thing is to keep it civil as possible so your little one doesn't suffer, if you get lawyers etc involved to sort out the payment side of things it will just cost you a fortune in legal fees and lead to even more ill feeling than there already is. I would suggest as part of the agreement of you paying your £x per week that she agrees to access of x weekends per month and also summer holidays etc. Make sure the £x per week also covers you for things like school clothes etc as otherwise you will be hit every month or so for new this or new that. If you can afford it why not do a couple of big poker events and enjoy your own money and have a good time- there really is plenty to do when on tour and it also has the added bonus of really pissing the ex off when you are flying out playing poker in the bahamas/vegas/australia etc ;) Remember one thing- you will be the one constant in your little ones life, her mum will probably have more than one "friend" while your little one grows up where the time she spends with you will be just yours and her time together (I have never introduced Jakob to any of my "friends" so he really does believe he is the most important thing in my life as every weekend we spend together is our time)- you can't beat regular quality time with your young un.

Great post mate!! and it helps alot

If i was to buy a house now, would my ex be able to stake a claim after we have broke up

good question..I recommend you ask your lawyer...what's fair and right isn't always the law.

Glad to see things are getting a little easier, postive thinking is the best way, even if it is heart breaking at times, i know i been there last year, after 12 years and 4 daughters i found myself alone with the kids, we never argued over when he could have the kids, i surpose i was lucky in away.
You need time alone to be yourself again and get your head sorted out, no good rushing into anything straight away, im sure you will be happy again x and as poppet said where here for ya x
chin up my son x

So you definitely coming out for a drink (or 10) on Friday night then? x

I shall be getting bolloxxxxxxedddddddd

Ahem, as the captain of your heads up team, can I remind you that alcohol at BB4 is only allowed after we win!
 :)up

He MIGHT have sobered up by then, maybe...!

Drink will benefit my poker play - i am awful!!!!!!!

lol i think i've been over merry at all blonde bashs ;)  all in good fun

Hi Smithy

Sorry to here about your situation,nothing i can add really, the blonde's have covered most of it.

I think  a really nice thing to do,would to be set up a trust fund for Lottie,dosn't have to be alot a week say £10 due to her when she is 18/21 just a thought!

Take care now

Hi I'm Poppets Mum and I have to agree with this, i did go off the rails and drank to excess and my ex would not give me any money for this reason, i played into his hands really giving him a good excuse but if he had paid for clothes and shoes the girls wouldn't have lost out in the end. Also try and keep the lines of communication open and children can often get dragged into things, i know your Daughter is young but things will be easier if you can remain on reasonably friendly terms.

Quality beats quantity anyday, good luck and see you at BB4