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rustling up a meal for my housemate tonight, she been cooking me a few meals recently and its payback time.
Decided on stuffed chicked wrapped with parma ham, roast potatoes with goose fat. Dunno what veg to use or to use gravy or not.
Shit at cooking and any tips will be appreciated. Cheers

Should have gone for steak, everyone loves it and it's easy to cook.

Rohypnol

yep steak or Rohypnol not much between them tbh.

and if you are a shit cook why are you making something quite difficult? (unless it is a ready made meal?)

take away

Green Beans and a chicken gravy imo



but also that  ???

Jon beat me to it.

Always make a nice gravy and greenbeans win hands down.

Parsnips, green beans & asparagus (aphrodiziac) and she'll licking...


















her plate clean for hours...

Bolt on fire today

Gotta agree, green beans and Gravy

Peas, carrots and cabbage, and a beef gravy pls - compliments the chicken well.

fyp

Does the gravy not depend what the chicken is stuffed with? If it's trad stuffing fine, but any cheese/garlic type stuffing probs wouldn't need the gravy.

Green beans are a good call though.

Good point, I was using my people reading skills to guess it was just traditional stuffing though :)

Peas and asparagus. Sainsbury's do a pea & asparagus cream sauce which is v nice and would compliment the meal well. This makes the meal v sophisticated and you look cultured. Much better than gravy. FFS gravy. Fair enough if you abs never want sex with her or any of her friends then do gravy and remind her of her mother.

dont forget the chips and remember to peel the spuds unlike the alea casino (lazy gits)

stuffed with cheese and herbs

Dammit - rigged.

Might not need anything then - butter over the green beans and the cheese and herbs in the stuffing should cover it.

Green beans?  ;dingdell;

 ;cupcake;

What Jon says + a wee bit of herb butter on the chicken as you serve it if you want to be really fancy.

Chances of bedding said lady if meal is successful?

i'd probably give sprouts a miss if you have chances of intimacy later

steamed asparagus ftw

Can't you just buy her a Nando's?

Any bird that doesn't like Nando's isn't worth shagging imo.

gl with whatever you decide.

Yes, give her a traditional stuffing !

guys it rick he has no chance even if he could cook like gordon ramsey

lol, behave

Trigg phoned me .... I told him broccoli & Carrots and a nice cheesecake for afters.

did you remember to tell him to put it in a pie?

I told him to just read the fkin instructions on the back of the pre prepared chicken... and the pre prepared spuds.


I also told him to take a pic so we can mock critique his efforts.

if you're roastic tatties anyway then do some nice roast veg to go with it - peppers, courgettes, aubergines, onions (unless you're hoping for a snogathon afterwards)

How'd it go sir?

Odds? - He's still scrubbing burnt bits off the bottom of the pan.

sent kev a picture to post. Went very well if i say so myself, thanks all for help

never mind the pic, give us all the gory details!

I dare not put that pic up Trigger ... you will get slaughtered old son.

post it !

Cant, Trigger would never recover from the slaughtering he would get.

stop teasing and post it.  Trigg can take it.

^^^^^^^^^^

I smell a level.  Trigger never would have sent it if it was brutal.  Proberly looks more like a proper gourmet meal photo.  Go on.  We can take it.  It'll be painful, but I'm sure we can manage the odd compliment or two.

Errr, no.

In fairness it isn't a dog's dinner, but Rick has a lot of room for improvement in the presentation front.

yeah, but what about his dinner?

If Trigger got laid after serving her that meal, he proberly would have got it if he had bought her a bag of pork scratchings !

Cant, Jane unplugged my desktop and the phone software is on there .... I am too fkin lazy to sort it.

Start a campaign to get my desktop plugged in and I will post it.

Don't need the software.  Jane will know how to work around it on any computer that's up and running.

JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!

this

This picture sure does exist.

just do us an artist's impression on paint then Kev

The pic is on my phone numpty ... how do you suggest i get it onto a computer without software and leads.   perhaps if you talk to it for a while, it might make the jump on its own just for a bit of peace :D

Send it to someone else obv, [ ] still convinced there is a picture.

Sigh.... don't need the software, just the phone and a lead.

See what I have to work with here guys?! fml

plug my desktop back in.

Get lead.  Connect phone to computer.  Computer will auto detect phone.  Go to the 'my computer' section and you can open/find it from there.  I do it all the time with random phones/cameras and don't need any special software.  

Sighhhhhhhh.  Trust me.  Just give it to Jane.

You know that isn't going to happen in the next hour, I have a date with Jensen Ackles   ;kev;

(http://z.about.com/d/scifi/1/0/2/O/-/-/SUPE_dean_400x400.jpg)

fyp

thats ok, I have a date with Cheryl ... 773rd time today.... still havent heard the song yet.

YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiy_UsrPDs

Ok here it is ...

No gravy, 1 Veg ... and a chicken breast obviously cut with a blunt axe.

gg trigg

WTF !

LOL I did try to warn you.

lol thats not it!!!

If it is it'll be the first time on a date where the girl actually asked for rohypnol

Oh good God!!!  Kev...mark it on yer calendar.  Tonight you were right for a change!

is that jizz on the side of the plate?

Is that just the starter?

I swear that is the pic he sent ... no camera trickery involved.

Gordon Ramsey can sleep well.

[ ] Trigg had sex after this meal

fyp

you lot can gfo, i think good attempt rick.  cooking is difficult when you start out.  

lmfao

the chicken breasts came already stuffed and wrapped, the spuds came prepared and the green beans were frozen ... all the fkin idiot had to do was warm them up and he couldnt even get that right.

Even his right hand would have knocked him back after that effort !!

i wouldn't be so sure - It's almost bad enough to be deserving of a mercy f**k

yeh when you're this age and using one of these...........

(http://www.gogoblin.co.uk/public/Ideal_Gift_Pages/images/cooker1.jpg)

fyp

nah, it was clearly too dry

FYP

POTW

I tried to spare you Trigger .. this pack of bastards made me post it !!

You had a good run though .. rotflmfao rotflmfao rotflmfao

Shocking.  Truly.  Trigg...give up cooking.  Seriously.  If you want a bit, yer better off taking her to Burger King.

I also think its a shame that a man cant live with a female friend without constant referral to sex.  

No man ... repeat NO MAN ever cooks for a woman.... unless there is a very very good chance that dessert may just take place in the bedroom. FACT! ... Unless of course, you are in a relationship, in which case you dont cook cos you cant be arsed.

Trigg needn't worry about such complications now

and look at thread title 'meal for two' implies more than 'need to cook something for my flatmate'

Wonder if Aunt Bessie will initiate legal proceedings for murdering her spuds?

Oh dear, I have to admit that it didn't look quite so bad whilst on Kev's phone. Not too sure what else to say about it, I'm lost for words!

fyp

A way to a woman's heart is through her stomach







pump

You can still get out of it Trigg, knock her 1 of these up.
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2293/2933795101_066241e907.jpg?v=0)

i love when this photo gets posted. 

fair dos - next to Amatay's mess-on-a-plate Trigg's effort looks like haute cuisine :D

lol bastards, housemate is pissing herself laughing at the comments. She says "it was very nice"

did she enjoy the dinner too?

all done in fun mate, hope you scored.

pic of housemate required imo.

+1

Yeah, I want to see a pic of the housemate who thinks cheese sauce splattered all over her breast is "very nice"

Good effort. Needs gravy imo and you're from Yorkshire which makes it's absence stranger.

+2

Thread might yet deliver.

Hello KFC, you make me some things and I have a good time with this sexy lady. Is cheap and she like this thing better than this sickness of a plat.


You thank Spacefrog when you use this.

rotflmfao Spacefrog neverfails to deliver...unlike Trigg.

 ;sexybanana;

We've disowned him.

+3

think its gonna be meal x2 on tuesday. Roomies mate is coming round and i think im gonna grill some halibut baby

For the love of god don't cook anything!

Good choice, it's quite easy to do but you must find really fresh halibut preferably on the bone for the best results ;)

nah don't cook fish - will stink the place out!

get some aphrodisiacs bought trigger!!

(http://blondepoker.com/forum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=44422.0;attach=27148;image)

Trigg, Trigg, Trigg - so close yet so far  - simples, toss the beans in a little bit of oil (makes them glisten), drop a small bit of butter to melt on them (at the last minute - the melting butter looks good). Don't treat the chicken like it owes you money  - really sharp knife - slice at an angle - thin slices, put a bit of herb butter on to to melt over it (herb butter - bit of butter at room temp - chopped parsley, maybe some chopped basil - mix in, mould into a lump, put in fridge for 10 mins). Meal would have been a big success.

Close to the Force you are young Padawan.

;hattip;

got to take my hat of to you....its not often someone can outdo LittleChef, but you are da man....

Inspired by Trigger, I am going to cook Jane dinner tonight

No starter (fk that)

Rump steak
Chips
onion rings (in beer batter obv)
mushrooms
peas

Will do a cheeky peppercorn sauce for the George Blake.


Followed by Chocolate and caramel pudding and custard.

I may or may not post photos of my efforts.

Pics or it didn't happen.  Jane can show you how to take them...and upload them...and generally how to work a computer.  You just concentrate on cooking the meal.

I'm doing Shepherds pie 2nite not rocket science now but hey ho

are you making the onion rings, sauce, pudding and custard yourself?

Yeah right!  It's probably enough that he's turning the oven on.  Don't push it!   rotflmfao

forget the food of the devil and the peas and no need for any sauce other than worcster other that that grea meal choice

oh yeah remember to peel the tatties

Making the sauce, home made chips, tesco finest beer battered onion rings, will be whipping up some custard, pudding is bought.

I dont have sauce mate, Jane does... Steak should just have the horns removed and the arse wiped imo.

I've often thought about getting these, decent then?

Fk knows Dwayne, never had them before ... will let you know.

get rid of the  mushrooms IMO..you're not running a pub FFS!

what happend to a pic of the bird?

Rump Steak?

Failure already.

No meal is ever going to be acceptable with mushrooms with it, as Iron said food of the devil.

Rump is a good steak ... secret is to get small steaks, and bash the granny out of them.


Cant have a George Blake without mushrooms, anyone that doesn't have them is a peasant FACT!

Anyone who serves mushrooms with steaks should be serving fry-ups ina  shitty pub.

Really, it's just nasty!

wtf?

he's cheap.

And have a few of them ;)

fk the haters Kev - gotta have the mushrooms!

This

& rump steak is great (esp when I cook it)

I was just about to cook this huge bit of rump steak but i didnt have any cooking oil and couldnt really be arsed to go out just to get some so i came up with some concoction of all this crap i found  and it was the best steak i ever made, i know i used milk and butter from the fridge but i used some stuff from the kitchen and cant remember now what it was.

+1

Well that was a success, absolutely fkin delicious even if I do say so myself.

Got Jane to take the pics, so will let her post them ...


Now ... gonna give it 20 mins or so and knock up that custard for the dessert.

I had a croissant, a lump of brie and a bag of crisps for my dinner. I really need to learn to eat properly again.

flash ?

Still waiting in Pics of Triggers housemate and Kevs cooking skillz!

Dessert was a winner !!


Pics coming ... when I work out how to get them from Janes phone via bluetooth :D

MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm

oven chips ?

wheres the rest of the steak?

Yus ... :(

Yeah, no way those are homemade!!!

I am afraid you can score no higher than -100000000000, for having mushrooms anywhere near a meal.

That is poor Kev, no skillage

Presentation skills? not great

Bet it tasted great though

Verdict on beer battered onion rings please?

looks like you jizzed over your steaks as well...

Sighhhhhhhh no skillage !!

I cooked it didnt ! ?

I drizzled a bit of olive oil over the steaks, seasoned them with black pepper and salt ... sealed them in a hot pan for about 2 mins, then cooked them to perfection.

knocked up the peppercorn sauce ... it was a resounding success.

Beer battered onion rings are the mutts nuts ... very tasty indeed ... highly recommended.

Big plates ... and the steak was very thick, 2 lumps each was ample.

That would probably be my conclusion - bad sign when the onion rings are bigger than the steaks though

wtf - how did u "cook" them??

looks good to me

All in the timing ... Janes likes medium/well ... I like Medium rare.

Cooking steaks is an art form mate ...  :)

Look forward to pics of your tea tomoz ;)

pizza prob

mine pisses all over that shower. fkin rump steak, get some fillet in tight arse, make your own chips and leave off the mushrooms, carrots a must also

Rump and Ribeye ftw, fillet is way off the pace these days.

Oven chips - Fail
Steak - Ok, though portion seems a bit small
Mushrooms - Fail Fail Fail
Onion Rings - Ok
Peas - Personally I hate them, but fine
Presentation - Non-existent

Overall I'd give it a C-

(I get the feeling a lot of us criticising will be having to post our meals on here too lol)

That looks terrible!

Looks ok to me. Good work Kev wp.

I want onion rings now.

Scrap the mushrooms and peas imo. Otherwise decent effort mate, I'm amazed that some people are criticising you for this when everyone knows it ain't a man's job to be in the kitchen.

Poor Jane.  Sigh.  That is all.

Lol. What an awesome thread.

Kev you are truly an awful cook and your presentation's terrible but I must applaud the effort.

WD mate.

Nearly as bad as your fry up.

Far too much talk of presentation from blokes ... It was cooked well, it tasted fkin lush, but just because it wasn't set out like a Bernie inns menu pic, you slate it.


Poofs !!

This

I was told as a lad if something is worth doing then it is worth doing well..

Time for my input  :)

Although it pains me to say it (and not because Kev is twisting my arm (yet)), the meal was lovely! My steak was cooked to perfection and the meal as a whole was delicious, beer battered onion rings are a must with a steak from now on IMO!

I would mostly agree with mushrooms being the food of the devil as I'm in no way a lover of them myself, but with certain things they are simple right, steak is one of those things if they are cooked well, which again, these were.

Overall it was a resounding success, and as for presentation... well Kev's a blokey bloke - I was impressed that it wasn't chucked all in a pile in the middle of the plate in a heap (I do the arty farty presentation in this house (apparently))

Top brownie points awarded, not only for an amazing effort, but to do it on a day when Kev knows that I'm going to be tired.

Kev, thanks very much, it was most appriciated xx :-*

So we can now confirm no sex has been secured from two meal attempts. Trigg needs to bed flatemate's friend to save this thread.

or both of them to bring the thread into profit

CIA seemed impressed with his effort for himself though.

confirmed

i will be cooking for housemates friend soon, maybe in next week or so.

like quoting?

Always handy to know Jane's password eh Kev...

Can we get the cook for sex strategy right for future attempts pls. Don't cook steak & chips, include a few cans, and settle down to eat in front of the footy with a tray on your lap. This is basically just cooking for yourself and putting a bit extra in for the lady. You will get comments like "the meal was very nice" cos the woman doesn't want to deter future endeavour around the household. Creative sexy cooking and romance is needed here and will afford the best chance of returning a profit.

This really is the key to a smart woman.

My parents used to fool me when I was much younger about how I made the best tea. It was only so they didn't have to get their arses up off the sofa at 9pm and make it themselves but this is a shrewd method.

yeah that along with "go on i will time you to see how long it takes for you to go to the shop"

Really?? you got your watch ready Dad???....sigh

lol mugs!

lol Butlers FTW eh?

I've seen more appetising ready meals

I always find the Waitrose recipe cards a good resource for a successful meal.

My little sister gets like 1/100th of a second faster every day when she has to run upstairs get my laptop charger and bring it back down as quickly as possible and has done for the past 6 years.

yeah, you think that's clever now but in a few years time she'll get her revenge by marrying Stu!

Divorce him and get half his mad dimes.

the key is to find a woman that's up for it, whatever the state of the dinner. Chances are if she's not gonna put out without the dinner, a well cooked meal is going to be a waste of time and effort.

A well cooked meal is never a waste of time and effort.

I don't put out without it.

Standards which should be applauded.

Next time, win-win:
(http://comps.fotosearch.com/comp/UPC/UPC005/plate-pizza-beer_~rso23004.jpg)

What is it?

Has some one shat in jug and been sick in a frisbee

2 girls 1 cup....

Lol, same result as a badly cooked meal, less effort.  If you are gonna get laid serving up crap, you are gonna get laid phoning for a pizza.