blonde poker forum

I can think of two

1) The button only gets dealt one card and asks for a second. "You're too good to have two"

2) Someone folds and their cards flip up as Q3o or something. "You're folding that?" or similar...

Any others?

Someone gets back to the table just as the cards have been dealt.

"You had aces" is the usual joke, followed by "well, I always lose with them so a lucky escape" - or words to that effect.

Yup very good boshi didn't think of that one.

Player is not following the game and has been dealt his cards and doesn't realise it's his turn for action.

Someone invariably says

"What would you do if it was on you?"

There was a guy called George who was a regular at Gala a few years ago, he was an older guy and sometimes wore a hairnet a la Eena Sharples(google is your friend younger readers) and every time without fail if a six came on the flop, turn or river, he would announce "sex".

FourKing(insert card value here)

The flop comes 999 someone usually says "call the police" for some reason.

Similarly if anyone plays KJ off suit a joke about "Jack King off" ensures very little hilarity.

dealers announces the cards on a T25 flop

"it's not ten to five its [insert time]"

When someone loses with Ace King and then you hear

'Anna kornikova (sp) Looks great but never wins!'

Normally gets a couple of sniggers, and a death stare by me as it was mildly amusing in 2008.

My favourite, although it's a bit of a rarity and somewhat obscure, and as far as I know I'm the only one to have told it iis the "psycho-killer flop"  which goes..

"Psycho-killer qu'est que c'est, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa"

444               ;marks;

Yes, I remember him. "Sex", every bloody time.

If I three-bet pre-flop.

"Aces again?"

Which is ridiculous. Sometimes I three-bet with kings as well.

This actually nearly made laugh the first time I heard it.

But the by the 200th time it lost any appeal.

Haven't heard it for a while though.

After a particularly nasty outdraw occurs at the table I can never stop myself from saying 'I'm going to stick to online poker coz it's much more realistic than this'

On a similar theme, when someone gets coolered or suffers a beat someone always says "pokerstars" closely followed by "jokerstars".

There's an Indian dealer at DTD and every time he announces a bet of 'von pound, ' (Which is about a million times a night) some wag says "Very very good, one pound fish"

I dubbed him "Sexy George" but he didn't seem too enamoured with it.

At gukpt Luton 2 years ago ( when rec fish were allowed in ! ) roberto was in a hand where it all went in on the turn ,his oppo said I have ze outs ( he was French btw) , he missed on the river , I pipes up with the classic ," now you've got 2 outs " eyebrows were raised ??? " that door or that one " I said , then realised I wasn't in the hone game with mates , luckily I'm a big lad n he didn't fancy his chances

Oh my.. Forgot about this guy! Jeez,the game really was a lot easier back then wasn't it!!

The Anna Kournikova one isn't exactly funny anymore but one night some twat came out with it, which somehow led to an honest discussion about her merits as a tennis player (it was a slow night). I piped up that I couldn't recall her winning anything but that she certainly got to a few semis, to which my mate replied, "...well, she certainly gave me a few semis".

It was funny at the time. Perhaps poker jokes are just always sad.

Haven't heard this for years but was said every single time in the sheffield 1/1 games. So tilt.


Lots of love for this

Trick with this one is to look completely confused at them and effectively make them explain it to the table.

"Deuce ya bastard!!!!"

"I'm blind"

Pretty much anything Latiff has ever said gets mentioned with or without him when I play which is "fun"

Tbh, its a prerequisite of being a grinder to laugh or smile at the same shit crack x50 so I just try to smile 24/7 anyway.

A joke about food if Mitch or jakally is at the table.

Ive had this one a few times now at Dtd .
For the very few times I raise- the minimum,it's followed by
                     What a gay raise ????'''?

Yep, that's another side-splitter.

Someone manages to get a raise through with J4 and proudly flips their hand over whilst asking "whats a Jack for?". sigh.

or goes mental pre with 72 and says "how else am I supposed to play it?"

'Here comes the fish' or is that just me?

Many years ago when I was nineteen or twenty I used to play at The Mint Casino which was located above a Wimpey bar on Kilburn High Road. The poker game was run by a succession of villains including Bill Manning and Billy Falco.A bloke called "Chinese Willie" was the main dealer and I was the main fish.

When I walked up those stairs and into the club someone would always say "now there'll be a game".

Chinese willie, the dealer? Did he later become a player? Or that a different one?

Still around today, Willie Tann. Says he's known me "since I was a baby".

He's prob known tikay since he was a baby!

Afraid I'm guilty of this one.

regularly say "the value has arrived" when someone I half know joins a table I am playing at.

I shall stop.

I thought that was the standard greeting poker players gave people when they joined a table - or is it just me that gets it every time?

:dontask:

'Hello Vinny Celtic'

Thought my joke at the weekend was funny though.

:D

Which one was that Kin, you tell so many, ahem, good jokes.

Yes, I know there are so many to choose from.  I actually can't remember exactly what was said, but it was when I was introducing you to Matt, Ian, Sean, etc., and there was a few seconds Matt was quiet trying to work out who you were - and I said "don't worry, it's not Vinny".  I thought it was funny anyway. 

Oh that one, would have been funnier if Matt didn't already know me but you can't win 'em all.
;)

Yeah, but he knows Vinny as well.

Skalie really is the master of these sarcastic poker jokes :D

Gosney has a way of taking the piss out of people in away that makes them think he is paying em a compliment :)

FYP

ive kinda found a good comeback to when someone shows you a bluff in a pointless spot, tiny pot etc. i just dead pan start applauding and urging the table to join me.

Lol Ralph. Yorkshire innit.

Someone bets £10 in cash and dealer says "Octopus" (ten to call) hilarious the twentieth time its uttered...not

Good to have fun at the table tho' for us recs and pretty sure I heard or said most of these over the years.  ;ashamed;

I've not heard the old classic "two to you or toodle oo" lately.

I might have to revive it.

How does this work online Trig?

:O Gosney is NOT a miserable bastard!!!!! He's the biggest legend who's ever lived!!!!!!!

"I refuse to enter a war of witts with a man who is clearly un-armed"
"Either give me an ear exam or shut the fuck up" (after someone berated this ear doctor after a hand once lolol)

He once told me a story about him white-water rafting down the Zambezi river, which I'm not 100% sure I buy....

I saw this in Lawrence's car


(http://www.iwantthatsign.com/WebRoot/BT2/Shops/BT4029/4D91/DC44/4409/D357/C7F6/0A0C/05E7/BA9B/miserable-bastard-on-board.jpg)

Well I couldn't stop laughing at the thought of this. How many times have you done this and what has the reaction been? Even if it is just in theory that would be something I would like to do.

Those comedians who pretend to push their stack in and say "I'M ALLLLLLLLLLLL........OUT" before folding their cards. Hilarious.

Haha, never gets old.

In a home game environment I'm going to scream fold or just insta muck if I can and act all surprised. Probably not worth it in a casino tho.

Jake the older Russian guy from Gala was tremendously convincing at that.

It was so good that I used to compare it to the Beardsley step-over.

A few years back, I was sat in seat 2 on a 1/2 game at Flamingo. In seat 8 was the most unsociable grumpasaurus in Vegas. (In before you all start naming blondes) He had oversized headphones on and was the only person not playing along with the banter at this lighthearted table.

I got louder and the table joined in. He turned his music up.

I wasn't having that.

I managed to cajole the rest of the table to have a bet on what he was listening to. Then, we all stared at him.

And waited.

And waited.

He cottoned on that something was up. The dealer asked what he was listening to.

"Marvin Gaye"

Seat 5 cheered like he'd just won the cup.

Best way to wind up a miserable person ever.

I normally go for a Shaun Ryderesque "cawl the cops" here

Similarly when 666 is dealt on the flop and you get the odd "woah" or "I'll dance with the devil" if someone bets

player wins a hand and forgets to muck his hand, dealer asks for the cards, "oooh can i not keep them"

a player flops a set of 10's for example, 5 hours later the player is in a pot and the flop comes 10 x x, someone says "ooooh have you got your 10's again"

1st time I played with gosney I had no idea who it was. I actually thought it was Phil "the power" taylor, but i watched in amazement as he folded the tops of his ears into his ear holes then try and bluff someone off the nuts. Seems like a real character

Think this wins the thread.

Literally everytime these jokes are used!

When someone says "waheyyyyy" after they say any corny joke at the table, it seems to get me. Guilty pleasure.

I do too enjoy the awkward tension that arises after someone says a corny joke and it doesn't go down well, I normally start laughing, the joke teller thinks he's great and continues the awkward pursuit and now I have my short term entertainment.

This isn't a joke I hear often but it caught me completely out of the blue. I was playing in Ireland with Padraig Parkinson in a tourn and we both had to wait on an open raiser to decide what amount to put forward, middle stages of the comp, he's now taken about 20 seconds which is pretty long, was in the process of getting the chips together, picking up every denomination going.

Mr. Parkinson then said, "I think he's going to bet". Had me in stitches.

Maybe a "you had to be there", but my best laugh at the table.

These are so tilt.

Couple yesterday, 8 high flop, player leads for 8 "ohhh 8 for an 8?"

Guy sits at table with KP nuts, queue several "watch guys, he's got the nuts" comments

I LOVE dealing to Lawrence more than literally anyone. Its so funny having a neutral point of view for his hijinks. Sooooo good.

Was dealing to him once in the Goliath. He sits down and some French guy immediately starts eyeing him up. Lawrence literally hasnt looked at him, (Hes in 9, frenchie in 7) and says "You want an autograph kid or just the photo?". He then gets in a hand where he raises UTG+1 (frenchies BB) and Frenchie immediately asks what hes playing behind. Before I had a chance to reply, Lawrence replies "Wait your turn kid, all these other people might want to ask first". Then folds to Frenchie, who asks again. Lawrence raises his arm slowly, giving a full view, and immediately places it down. Frenchie goes on raging tilt and asks me to call the floor as he hasnt had a proper view. Floor actually laughs at the situation, which makes me laugh, which makes the whole table start crying with laughter. Except the Frenchie, and of course Lawrence, who looks nonplussed.

His only comment that gets old is the "If you raise my big blind, Ill seriously consider doing fuck all about it". I laughed so hard the first time I heard it, but I must have heard it 50+ times now lol.

My absolute hero <3

Not a joke but players that say something along the lines of "If you raise my blind again i'm calling not matter what cards I have"

"I need a specific flop please dealer."

One of the best ones ive heard in a while.

Quite original too!

http://blondepoker.com/forum/index.php?topic=60750.0

vnh mitchellina

i think if he can get it and is that good then why not.

love Gosney tales JK

Kinboshi punchline this one.

Players that say "Its always the flop after the hand"

Entire thread is reason why internet poker is so popular.

+1

Also, a dealer on friday night kept saying "Ten to call" and I couldn't tell if she was making that joke or not. Couldn't decide whether to be tilted or not.

With the chat switched off I guess. Being invited to "die of AIDS" is no substitute for any of the 'irritating' jokes on here.

Poker may not be a social game, but there's no reason why it shouldn't be sociable. Some of the jokes on here are more akin to catch phrases which form part of the rituals of the game and can help to generate an enjoyable atmosphere at the table. If it's enjoyable then losers reload, or re-enter, or return. If it's not enjoyable maybe they don't.

When you have a good table, then there's plenty of decent banter that more than compensates for the clichéd phrases.  That's why live poker is becoming more and more popular.

I think you're referring to the DTD effect there Kin. Live poker has been popular for years.

Nah, just that live poker has been becoming more popular across the country over the past few years.  More being offered in casinos, pubs, etc., and many moving away from online.

Casino poker has been popular for years, I rmember when I first started in the late '80s and everyday of the week there were over 100 players for the holdem comps at the Rainbow and probably 3 or 4 cash tables. Same can be said of the Grosvenor Walsall 7 years ago.

I'm not saying it wasn't popular, but now I think it's more popular.  In those days, there weren't as many places you could play were there?  Also the comps and cash games being offered were more limited?  I don't think it was as welcoming to as many people back then, although if you were there then there was definitely value ;)

Point taken and yes the value was definitely there when I was playing. Even I'm surprised why I'm not bust yet.

You've obviously got the skills to pay the bills

No, I mastered the formula of not going bust playing poker....... work hard get paid and don't lose it all ;)

Like!

I first heard this a couple of years ago from a dealer @ DTD and I still use the line when dealing in late night pub games.

After dealing the flop, look at 1st player to act and if he is stalling, say 'check or bluff....sorry, check or bet'

My money's on Harvey!

Was thinking the same.  He used to comment on a lot of the play, very annoying.

Classic Shadi line right there folks.

confirmed. lasted incredibly long in employment with the hilarious things he used to say to people!

I always enjoyed Harvey's dealing, although Jilly would have to be my favourite if only for the mutterered response to a player who asked her to "deal me some decent cards".

The gist of it being that "there's no point in dealing you decent ****ing cards because you wouldn't know what to ****ing do with them"

Ha ha, there are some great dealers right there. Harvey used to make me think I was hearing things whenever I sat seat 1 or 9.
Shadi a legend too n Jilly was comedy. Belton and Sulphurman were IMO right up there with beer and sweets too.

Whenever a pretty dealer came to the table came to the table "wow you are the 2nd prettiest person in this room" never went unsaid..... They can't have heard it before because 100% without fail always asked.

"Jason's wearing a nice shirt"

are you trolling me? Eventually I'm gonna get the hump. :)

When i was a fresh faced 18 year old, full head of hair & still loved the game I was playing a £20r @ naps in leeds.  Made the "duck on the river" joke... one old fella looked me dead in the eye & made a loud HA.  I went bright red & vowed never to make obvious jokes at the table again.

"Could you put your big chips at the front of your stack please? .. Oh..."

Was it Gosney?

Pretty sure you once informed me "Ladies always have the nuts either in there hand or in there mouth" Did make me laugh.

Pretty sure I NEVER  get tired of using that one :D

people always say 2's never lose only after they have hit their set!!  never when they bin their cards!!