Poker Jokes

[Colchester Kev]

OK I will start the ball rolling, but I know you lot can do better...lets have all your Poker/gambling jokes in here ......I will start the ball rolling with ..............

          A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching."

[Colchester Kev]

this is a good one ..........


Did you hear the one about the woman who hit her husband on the head with a rolling pin?
Suffering from a sudden headache, her husband asked her, "What was that all about?"

"I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it." She replied

"That's the name of a horse I got a hot tip on." He replied

Accepting his explanation she apologizes for whacking him.

A few days later, she nails him on the head again, even harder.

When he regains consciousness, he asks "Why on earth did you do that?"

"Your horse phoned."

[RED-DOG]

Bioke outside card room with sign that reads, NEED MONEY FOR FOOD AND RENT. "If I give you money, a woman says, you will just play poker with it" "no I wont, says the man, I have money for poker, I need money for food and rent

[snoopy1239]

Gambler gets home late 1 night. Wife stands in the doorway and demands to know where he's been.

Bloke says, 'Bad news darling. I lost u in a poker game. You're gonna have to get your stuff together.'

Wife says, 'You idiot! How did u manage that?'

'Well, it wasn't easy,' he replies, 'I had to fold a royal flush.'

[Colchester Kev]

LOL  now who said that Tikays jackets belongs in this thread ?

[Junior Senior]

An elaborate bluff!  - The best poker joke i ever herad:

Two couples were playing poker one evening.  John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"  Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.  She then told him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "did he give you $500?"
   
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". 

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
   

   >>> > Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[K9sixtwo]

Excellent Junior .....LOL

Think Colchester Kevs is the best so far though

[AdamM]

red dogs is the one I'll be circulating

[snoopy1239]

Hey. I tried my best. 

[RED-DOG]

NEWS JUST IN.....a man in a Nottingham casino was beaten to death with a thesaurus, witnesses said they were shocked stuned surprised taken aback amazed.....

[ariston]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway..." she giggled " I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.


(ruru gets the credit for this one).

[Junior Senior]

nice one Ariston, but i am sure you'd be greatful for anything you can get these days - lol 

[ariston]

I have the best form of contraception there is- its called my face 

[snoopy1239]

Do you still have her number?