joke OVER 18s only some of the content can offend

[yt]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his       
deplorable infidelity.  Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off                                                                 
the man's pecker.  Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window
of the car.                                                         
                                                                     
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10     
year old daughter chatting away beside him.  All of the sudden, the 
pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then
flies off.                                                           
                                                                     
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was 
that?"                                                               
                                                                     
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a     
tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."         
                                                                     
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a         
  minute she says, "Sure had a big dick!"

[yt]

                   -(-(--_                                             
                  / ( (    \       DO-RE-MI  BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.
                 |          |                                         
                 |          |      DOUGH... the stuff...               
                 |     __  __)          that buys me beer...           
                |    /  \ /   \     RAY..... the guy that             
               /\/\ (o   )o  )    sells me beer...                 
               /c    \__/ --.     ME...... the guy...               
              (                )    who drinks the beer,             
               \_   _----------'     FAR..... the distance to my beer.
                |  /             \    SO...... I think I'll have a beer.
                | | '\_______)    LA...... La, la la la la beer     
                |  \_____)        TEA..... no thanks,               
                |_____ |                   I'm drinking beer...     
                |______/\/\       That will bring us back to...     
               /         \             (Looks into an empty glass) 
                                  D'OH!                             

[Rod Paradise]

Who was the last person to f*ck an Aussie & bring back the ashes?












Paula Yates.

Just to make you Englandshire folks happy    

[yt]

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned
to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some
research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch,        
introduced himself, and explained his mission.                        
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made
you really happy?"                                                    
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's        
daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found  
her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."                
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of    
anything else that happened that made you happy?"                    
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a          
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all
screwed it and took it back home."                                    
Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either. Let's try      
another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you
really sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed,  
and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and
said, "This one time, I got lost."                                


Great story below......it just underscores the need to carefully think    
through design decisions.                                                
                                                                          
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.  Why was that gauge used?      
 Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads  
were built by English expatriates.                                        
                                                                          
Why did the English people build them like that?   Because the first rail
lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,  
and that's the gauge they used.                                          
                                                                          
Why did "they" use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the    
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.                                            
Okay!  Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?  Well, if they tried    
to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long      
distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.            
                                                                              
So who built these old rutted roads?  The first long distance roads in        
Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The      
roads have been used ever since.  The initial ruts, which everyone else      
had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war
chariots.  Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were    
all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.                                    
                                                                              
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States          
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original      
specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and              
Bureaucracies live forever.                                                  
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's    
ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman    
chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of    
two war horses.                                                              
                                                                            
But wait, there's more!...                                                  
                                                                            
When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big    
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the  
solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory    
in Utah.                                                                    
                                                                            
The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a      
bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the  
launch                                                                      
site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the        
mountains.                                                                  
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than  
a railroad track  . . . . .                                                
                                                                            
You've got it.  A major design feature of what is arguably the world's      
most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's
ass!                                                                        




I'm just cut n pasting this shit from my folders, if anyone wants any more just say! if nobody says anything i will carry on anyway!

[yt]

There was a young lady from Leith,
Who would circumcise men with her teeth,         
It wasn't for fame,   Or love of the game       
But to get at the cheese underneath.
                                                 
There was a young actress from Crewe,           
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,             
The Bishop was quicker,  and thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you.                 
                                                 
There was a young vampire called mable,         
whose periods were always quite stable,               
at every full moon she took out a spoon,               
and drank herself under the table.                     
                                                       
There was a young plumber from Lee,                   
who was plumbing his girl with great glee,             
she said stop your plumbing,  I think someones coming,
said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!             
                                                       
A kinky young girl from Coleshill,                     
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,                   
They found her vagina,  in North Carolina,             
and bits of her tits in Brazil.                       
                                                       
There was a young man from Pitlocherie,               
making love to his girl in the rockery,               
she said look you've cum, all over my bum,   
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.             
                                             
          
                                             
There was a young girl called Molly,         
who fancied a bit in a quarry.               
She laid on her back, and opened her crack.   
And the bastard backed in with a lorry.       
                                             
There was a young man from Harrow,           
who had one as big as a marrow.               
He said to his tart, try this for a start.   
My balls are outside on a barrow.             
                                               
There was a young girl from Hitchen,           
who was scratching her crutch in the kitchen. 
Her mother said "Rose, its crabs I suppose".   
She said "bollocks, get on with your knitting"
                                               
There was a young girl from Devizes,           
who had tits of different sizes.               
One was quite small, almost nothing at all.   
But the other was big and won prizes.         

 

[TightEnd]

OK, not wanting to be too much of a killjoy, but we need an Adults only sticker on the title of this thread

Ironside/tikay?

[yt]

er yeah sorry. And me with 2 kids should know better. Delete the dodgy ones by all means.

[TheJagster]

Can they be deleted in a minute after Ive printed them out?   Ive had a sheltered life!!!!!!


LOLOLOL   

[Maroon]

yt, you got me crying with laughter, mate.

[yt]

Funny thing is these were send to me on internal email at work 6/7 years ago.
Thought everyone would know them.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Johnny, a kid 
from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for   
him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.                                 
                                                                         
Johnny was rather well endowed and curiosity got the better of the       
husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Johnny had the largest     
penis he had ever seen!!!                                               
                                                                         
The man asked Johnny, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your
dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...'                       
                                                                         
Johnny laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the       
bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"           
                                                                         
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could   
hardly wait to try it himself.                                           
                                                                             
Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it       
on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound     
confidence when his wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and     
says, "Johnny, is that you?"