joke OVER 18s only some of the content can offend

[doubleup]

>A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a
> >remote bar in the hills of Nevada.
> >
> >>
> >>    He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian
> >>    sitting in the corner.
> >>
> >>
> >>    He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who's he?" said the foreigner.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "That's the Memory Man."
> >>
> >>
> >>    said the bartender.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him
> >>    out."
> >>
> >>
> >>    So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won't know about
> >>    English football, asks
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Liverpool," replies the Memory Man.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who did they beat?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Leeds," was the reply.
> >>
> >>
> >>    "And the score?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "2-1."
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Who scored the winning goal?"
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Ian St. John," was the old man's reply.
> >>
> >>
> >>    The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back
> >>    home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later
>
> >>    he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive
> >>    Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
> >>    same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and
> >>    more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner
> >>    decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
> >>
> >>
> >>    He approached him with the greeting
> >>
> >>
> >>    "How".#











> >>
> >>
> >>    The Memory man replied,
> >>
> >>
> >>    "Diving header in the six yard box."

[Colchester Kev]

brilliant LOL

[Sunday8pm]

LMAO superb

[snoopy1239]

[TightEnd]

2 Blondes walk into a bar


You'd have thought one of them would have seen it...

[TightEnd]

A woman visited the home of her recently married son. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter in law lying on the couch, completely starkers. Soft music was playing and the aroma of sweet perfume filLed the room.

"What are you doing?" the mother asked

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the duaghter in law answered

" But you're naked!" the mother cried

"This is my love dress" said the daughter in law

"Love dress? you're naked you silly bint"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He just can't get enough"

The mother in law made her excuses and left. Whe she got home she showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, awaiting the arrival of her husband.

Finally he arrived, walked in and saw her lying there provocatively

"What are you doing?" he asked

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually

"Needs ironing" he said "what's for dinner?"

[ACE2M]

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real! It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a standstill beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he  starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a  hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve. Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town. Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar and asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other.














"Look Mick, that's the feckin eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

[AdamM]

A Chimp walks into a pub at lunch time and orders a ploughmans and a pint.
   "wow, a talking chimp" says the barman, "That's incredible."
   "you better get used to it."says the chimp, "I'm working on the building site down the road and I'm gonna be coming in for my lunch most days."
The chimp eats his ploughmans, drinks his pint and heads off to work.

Later that day a guy comes into the pub and asks if he can leave some posters and fliers for the circus that's just pulled into town.
    "Sure,"says the barman.
    "Actually," he adds,"there was a chimp in here earlier. he could talk and everything. Maybe you'd be interested in him for the circus. He said he'd be back in every day for his lunch."
    "Damn right, heres my card. when he comes in next, tell him to give me a call."

Next day the chimp come in for his lunch and orders another ploughmans and a pint.
    "A guy from the circus was in yesterday after you left. I told him all about you and he gave me his card, told me to ask you to call him."
    "Circus you say?" Said the Chimp."wonder what the circus needs a plasterer for."

[ifm]

A cowboy walks into a saloon in the old wild west and asks the barman for a whiskey, he takes the whiskey, knocks it back in one go, draws his gun and shoots the left ear off the piano player.
The barman says "if i were you i'd file the sights off the front of your gun"
Cowboy shrugs, gets a file and removes the sights from his gun, then orders another whiskey, knocks it back in one go, draws his gun and shoots the right ear off the piano player.
The barman says "what you should do is remove the grips from the handle of your gun"
Cowboy shrugs, gets a skrewdriver and removes the grips off his gun, then orders another whiskey, knocks it back in one go, draws his gun and shoots the nose off the piano player.
The barman says "if i were you i'd get a big lump of grease and cover your entire gun with it"
The cowboy says "hang on, why do you keep telling me to do this stuff?"
The barman says "well, when billy the kid finishes playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse!"

[matt674]

Talking monkeys i can believe but talking chimps?!?!? Pleeeeaaaassee!!

One night there was a panda who was feeling rather amorous and as there was a shortage of female pandas he decided to head down to the local red light district. He approached a few of the "locals" without much joy but eventually he persuaded one of the prostitutes to take him back to her flat. Eventually they arrive at the flat but before they begin the Panda asks for a favour.

"I'm really, really hungry - all this walking has taken it out of me, would it be possible to get something to eat first to build my stamina back up". The prostitute cant believe the cheek but eventually agrees and rustles up a plate of egg and chips. The panda wolfes the lot down, hardly pausing to chew on it.

After finishing the food they make their way to the bedroom and the panda proceeds to give the prostitute the best time of her life, she has orgasm after orgasm in a marathon session - eventually after about 5 hours the panda lets out a moan as he finishes the job. He instantly gets up, puts on his panda clothes and makes his way towards the door.

"Whoooaaaaa" the prostitute pants, still recovering. "where do you think your going, what about my money?".

"What money?" says the panda "i've finished now i'm off home". The prositiute summons up the last of her energy and walks (somewhat bow-legged) over to the bookcase where she pulls out a dictionary and flicks it open at the letter P.

"Prostitute" she starts "one who offers sexual intercourse in return for payment". The panda takes the dictionary off her, turns back a couple of pages and replies.

"Panda - Eats shoots and leaves".......

[TightEnd]

OK, Matt, that is simply the funniest joke I have ever read.
Seriously.

 

thanks!!!

[AdamM]

Talking monkeys i can believe but talking chimps?!?!? Pleeeeaaaassee!!

when it was told to me it was a duck 

[matt674]

OK, Matt, that is simply the funniest joke I have ever read.
Seriously.

 

thanks!!!

cheers - you ever want a proper laugh, come watch me play poker!!!!! 

[matt674]

Talking monkeys i can believe but talking chimps?!?!? Pleeeeaaaassee!!

when it was told to me it was a duck 

hmmm, still more plausable than a chimp - but then i'm bound to say that about my dumb cousins!! 

[action man]

what did the mouse say when it took a viagra?











Where's that f'ing p u ssy now then