Cr*p Tips for Women

Manchester United Supporters: wear a strap on dildo on your head and a pink rara skirt. That way you won't need to spend a fortune every season on a new strip, but everyone will know what team you support.

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Thanks to Viz......