Looking for Inspiration

As usual, the night before my first day of the big one, sleep was hard to come by. A million thoughts fill the mind as to what this day will bring. Looking for inspiration, I find an old story amongst my documents. I don’t know what, if anything, it will mean to the reade as it‘s more or less a personal message. But if it helps me today, then I’m glad I found it.

Also, I noticed recently how the Camel (Keith Hawkins) made a reference to me when he compared my performances of a few years, to those of the present. He suggested that I was perhaps running well in those days and not very well at present. In truth, although I understand how easy it is to make such assumptions, that’s not really the case as far as I am concerned. In fact, back then, I was actually playing poker and not focusing on various other projects. Anyhow, that aside, perhaps back then Keith, I had no choice but to get the results that I did. But I must also mention of the immense focus and determination that went into getting those results. Perhaps this will go someway to explaining it a touch.

I was once young and free from negative thoughts or from the impact of time
I was free to enjoy the innocence of the dreams that filled and inspired me
I was yet to be touched by circumstance or of the fate from decisions
I was free from the demands of others and of the responsibility that years bring
I was free to look to the future and ponder what the world had waiting in store
I had visions of achievement and of being pushed to the boundaries of potential

It was a time when ignorance was a blessing rather than a hindrance
For ignorance hid the pain that knowledge and understanding would bring
For I was naïve of death as I was of life, naïve of its wisdoms and its struggles.
For with struggle, there is sometimes no room for a life of quality or even love
For I remember no hugs, no kisses, no guidance and no inspiration
The battle to survive simply took over from the human need to develop and grow

But ignorance and stagnation eventually got replaced by knowledge
But it was a flawed knowledge, one of misconceptions and misunderstandings
I saw the death of my father as my fault, my blame, my private shame
The embarrassment of one day needing him, drove me to withdraw within
I closed up to the world and to the people around me, loneliness filled me
The path to uncertainty, destruction and abuse, had begun in earnest

In time, the confused and abused, became the abuser to others
I refused entry to people who needed to love me or for me to love them
For love was pain and shame, and I had no more room for either
A glimmer of hope arrives, lingers, leaves and then turns to more guilt.
New misconceptions and misunderstandings replace the old
I was no longer naïve or ignorant of the past, just of the present

I allowed guilt to rule my existence, to direct and to destroy who I once was
The destruction increased, soon, it had cocooned all those around me
I was a shell of man, hollow in feelings and thoughts, and void of direction
I tried to let go of the past, but the present tested and tortured beyond belief
For I was living a lie to myself, to my wife and to the gift of life
Nothing had value or worth, nothing brought peace or satisfaction

As the years took their toll, self-destruct replaced the pride I once felt
I was lost in desperation and spiraled towards the darkest of all existence’s
It was a lonely place, and yet, it was the only place left where I could go
But only when the abyss had been reached, could a new journey begin
In the midst of madness, I clung on to the hope for a second chance
Luck was with me as an Angel crossed my path on my first step in my new life
She understood and she guided and she taught me to feel anger again
How lucky to meet such a person, how lucky that she came into my life
How lucky she cared.

But to and fro I would go, between acceptance and denial and destruct and desire
It was my biggest battle in life, for it was a fight to gain an identity and a purpose
It was a fight to pay a debt that we all have, a debt to our dreams and our hopes
A debt to the short time that we have and to make something of our lives count
But most of all, it’s a debt to the ones in our lives that we touch and impact.

I had so much to learn, to grow, to understand but still so much to mourn

It’s been five years now since the journey began, when second chance came
The one step forward was followed by the two steps back that healing needs
It was a slow process, but the light filtered through all the madness and despair
I could see a way forward, a direction, a challenge and a hope that all was not lost
I could see a use for the competitiveness that was once abundant in a young boy
I could see a path that offered the tests that we all need to develop and grow.
I saw poker.

It’s been five years since that journey began, when second chance came
The tests came by the day, by the hour, by the minute and with each hand dealt
I had found an escape from my past, even if the new one was filled with uncertainty
It has been an incredible journey in which every emotion was forced to be faced
Sometimes, failure loomed as the size of the challenge tested me to despair
The fear of failure could destroy, but could also inspire when dreams are far away
It held me and guided me and pushed me to the limit, fear become my friend

It’s been five years since the journey began, when second chance came
It’s been five years more than expected, than hoped for, than dreamed of
I have reached highs and low’s that perhaps none of us ever truly deserve
I have found a love that I didn’t know existed or dared to hope for
And with it, comes peace, contentment and a sleep without negative thoughts

It’s been five years since the journey began, when second chance came
It’s been five years of learning, of growing and of understanding the past
There is little left to mourn now, the pain of the past had been finally numbed
Guilt no longer ruled as justification came and absolution followed
Perhaps the outcome did not even matter, perhaps the result was irrelevant
Perhaps all that we ever need as humans is for hope and sometimes….
for a second chance