these are old, but still funny ......
?
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did:
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
5. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry,"
replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
10. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents."
BONUS ROUND (BECAUSE I'M FEELING GENEROUS). A woman has twins, and gives
them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is
named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Author