joke

[GlasgowBandit]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped  home.
 
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
 
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[tantrum]

 

[tantrum]

For sake of equality:

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

[marcro]

>
> An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.  However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.  Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice.  They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over
them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works  with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:
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"THAT'S how you wave a f *** ing towel, son!!"

[dik9]

 



ok

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

[dik9]

There was this couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. So the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"

She can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee (need) and then makes raking motions.

"What?" she yells. So he goes through the whole routine again.

She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch.

Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?"

She answered, "I said, 'Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.' "

[dik9]

There was this couple who had been married for fifty years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning, when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for fifty years."

"Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say - should we?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal."

[tantrum]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
 "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
 
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?