Those one liners are a bit simple for my taste - something I would laugh at when 5 y.o on the outing with my grandma.
Yeah...here are some funny one liners
From Ahmed Ahmed.
"An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet"
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
Rowan Atkinson
"I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese"
When was the last time you saw an Iraqi in a f***ing helicopter?
-- (UK pilot after US marines fired on his Chinook Helicopter)
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
South Park.
Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley....and the sweet thing is, the stupid a$$hole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.
Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.
and the rest is tommy cooper
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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