Business deal advice....

OK, so Mr Jacob (or is it Mr David?) didn't reply to my second e-mail. I obviously didn't approach him with the tact and decorum required and it looks like I may have blown my chances of shaking hands on the business deal

Perhaps a woman's touch is needed. Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow as they say.....

Dear Mr Jacob,

I am writing on behalf of my husband Peter Staker.

I know he has spoken to you recently concerning a business arrangement. I read the details of the proposal from your email and found it very exciting!

You sound like a wonderful attractive man and I would love to help you out if I can. If I am honest my husband can be a little distant at times. He is always attending his TOTE ALK UNTS meetings and tending to his carrier pigeon, "Speckled Jim." He says there is nothing going on but I find all sorts of strange purchases on his credit card. I mean what is a "pigeon strap-on" anyway?

He often fails to pay me the attention I deserve, spending hours in his pigeon loft doing press-ups apparently and I sometimes wonder if he would rather smoke a packet of cigarettes and stroke his bird than make love to me.

I am a woman with needs, both material and sexual and if we can help each other out in any way, then please let me know!

Yours hopefully and lovingly,

Penelope Staker x

PS I have enclosed a picture so you might better know me. I'd love to see one of you. I don't want to offend you but I have some more raunchy ones if it won't offend your humanity xxx
[picture of pretty girl attached]

BINGO. Mr Jacobs is quickly back on the case with a swift, if brief, reply....

Dear One.

Thanks for your sad response to me but i will not contact you if you can not say thing that sound very good to me or in the intrest of this transaction pls . let me know your intention clearily.

I wait to hear from you and God bless you and your family.

From Jacob David

Ok, so it's not exactly Mills and Boon, but from small acorns mighty oaks will grow. Let's try and clarify things for our new Ivorian friend and perhaps get his mighty oak to grow! I think him and penelope could get on really well!

Mr Jacob, or may I call you David.

I am so sorry that you did not understand. Please, I yearn to talk to a man who can help me.

I have a small amount of money set aside if that is of use to you. Probably not seeing as you are a multi millionaire but I also bake an extraordinary spongecake and in my youth was voted Miss South Acton Estate, a prestigious title in these parts!

I long to meet a man who sounds as honest and approachable as you. The fact that you have 6.5 million dollars and could keep me in gucci handbags and prada accessories for several years is of little consequence.

I don't wish to moan but my husbands antics worsen. Last night I was doing my evening job as a table dancer in my place of employment, "Megajugs", but was forced home when disaster struck.

A rowdy group of boys calling themselves "londites" or similar entered the establishment and started to throw peanuts at me, yelling "check out the norks on that!" and "that's the first big pair I've seen all day!" The worst offender was a man in a wheelchair (the others called him copperside i believe.)

I was obviously shaken up by this so I rushed home, only to walk in on my husband lying in our bed with his pigeon, Speckled Jim, shouting obscenities such as "F** yeah Jim, you like that don't you!".

He looked shocked on seeing me but claimed nothing was going on. When I enquired as to why Jim was dressed in small suspenders and a tiny bra, he told me this was the standard uniform for the great pigeon race and he was merely relaxing Jim to prepare him for the race.

This sounds reasonable but something is going on, I just know it! I tell you Mr jacobs I feel ready to cry and simply walk out on my husband into the arms of another man with whom i can share my love, life, bank details, scanned copy of my passport, address, postcode and any other personal details he may require.

Please tell me you can help. I have no one else to turn to!

Yours lovingly,

Penelope Staker xx

PS My husband does not know I am writing to you. He told me you have become a TOTE ALK UNT? Is this true? Are you really a TOTE ALK UNT? It doesn't matter to me either way. I still long to hear from you........... I have enclosed a further picture of me so you may admire my grandiose norks...I hope you like it x

[attached picture of girl with top off]

Much more subtle this time, I'm sure you'll agree. There's no way he won't write back, no way......